Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I know it's been years but I miss my grandma so much, I feel crushed by it. Even though we weren't close since I was a child, now I have a child I just wish for her all the time. I wish she had got to meet him, I wish I had her support. She was the best.

Well, that was a tough one wasn't it. Hard, hard, hard. Yep. But, we got somewhere, didn't we. It might have taken an hour and a half, and it might have been really difficult for both of us, but we took a step, together, even if it was the smallest of steps. I'm counting that as a win.

Hopefully we will fight today.

I have a very clear intention for my session today and I feel like it's a different me than was there last over a year ago. I don't actually need you to say much at all... honestly just sit there, see me, and let me find the calm my mind needs to do a little regrouping. I do not want to talk about the unfinished-ness of our ending, that's all water under the bridge now, just be there, be calm, and see me. That's really all I need to get me through until I can figure something else out.

A flicker!

Dear T,
I hate when there's what seems to be an important insight at the end of a session, and then I have to wait until next time to talk more about it! But maybe it will be good to sort of let this marinate over the weekend. I suspect that may be why I also wish I could be formally diagnosed with ADHD, as then maybe some of this won't just feel like my weakness? But then, why is ADHD an "acceptable" explanation in my mind for me to not be able to do certain things as I'd like to, but not anxiety or OCD? (I suspect that would be one of your questions.)

I do feel I should have explained my reaction to Wednesday's session more, but maybe I didn't really need to? And I didn't want to get too deep in the weeds about that. I felt I was a bit all over the place today, with stuff about me past and present, plus stuff about D, but then it sort of seemed to all tie together at the end.

Love,
LT

I wish I knew how to screw my head back on after sessions. Rough day.

Dear T,

Thank you for saying it would be totally ok if I ever asked for a hug at the end of a session. You said that a hug would be fine, and natural...and human. But that if I don't want one that would be perfectly ok too. Maybe one day I'll consider it. Until then, it's just nice to know where you stand.

Thank you for being you.

Hey L, that was just perfect. Thank you.

I get that it's all related, I get that it's all a part of the process, but I am really wary of this becoming more about the relationship than about processing and understanding the trauma itself. But I don't feel like I can connect with you enough to do that until I know that you are there in a gentle, reassuring, compassionate way. And I don't know that yet. Because every time I feel like I'm taking a step towards you, opening up to you and (not literally) asking that from you, like last week, you respond with challenges and science. There's a time and a place for that, absolutely, but it isn't always helpful. Maybe I do literally need to ask you for that, then? Problem is, I still don't know if it's ok to ask for those things from you. I still don't know what you meant when you said "maybe what you want, isn't what you need". We need to have that conversation next week, I think. And so we cycle back to it being about the relationship.

Oh, and yes, I am willing to try and change the terminology/language that I use to describe these different parts of me. I'm not sure why though, but seeing as you clearly have problems with it (hmmm, am I being defensive here?) I am willing to try something else. Problem is, to me they are just words that so clearly sum up these different parts of me, and I have no idea what other language to use. anything else I can think of just leads me to getting stuck, and that isn't helpful. Maybe you just need to get to know my Teenage One and my Little One. Maybe the problem is you, not me.

Do you ever listen to the part of the song we both like that goes " Some men you just can't save." And ever worry about me?

How can it be that the shock feels like it's wearing off after nearly two years, and yet it feels more raw?

When I become aware of the rawness, it hurts more.

I sometimes feel like things come full circle in weird ways. And I think you'd get it since you get other things I've said.

You weren't wrong when you said that it's everywhere for me at the moment.
I was catching up with a TV series today, and now I don't think I have the wherewithal to finish it.

What could be extended references to it kept popping up.

'I can't ****ing do this any more' was the last thing I expected to shout.

I think it had stopped being about the series by that point.

Dear T,

I read something today, just now, that made me think. It said "confidence comes from the ability to self regulate. Self regulation is the ability to process life around you and respond to it rather than reacting to your emotions.
Reacting to your own emotions is exhausting and feels like a never ending cycle of stress"

This could go some way to explaining why I used to feel so confident. Why I was so confident. I didn't feel the emotions. I was cut off from the emotions. As soon as they started to come out, I lost all of my confidence, it feels, and I've never really been able to explain to myself why. Why that huge change. It felt like I had had a breakdown of sorts, but maybe it was because I was now feeling all sorts of stuff that I had never had to deal with before.

It honestly makes me question sometimes whether I was better off before, but I know I wasn't. Being cut off from myself had so many other drawbacks too. But it is hard work having emotions, especially when you can't manage them. I still have a lot more work to do on that I think.

Dear T,
I'm sure you won't have anything today. I could have made it seem more urgent, but I felt wrong doing that. I don't want to be crying wolf.

Love,
LT

Well that session on Friday did something else too - it totally jump-started my inner work again. I will be reading through the 3 pages from yesterday after I get off work today, for either more writing or simply figuring out which of the possible meanings of the dream are not accurate. I have way too much going on right now for this - which is why I don't want to get back into therapy (with anyone) right now - but at least doing it on my own, there's no pressure of a weekly session, I suppose I just needed the impetus to start working through this stuff again, and now I am.

Dear T,
Yeah, I figured. I do appreciate your asking if it was an emergency. As I imagine you'd have fit me in then. But it's not.
Love,
LT

Dear T,
This is so stupid, but I wish you would have replied to that email. Just something like, "Hope you're doing OK" or "see you tomorrow." I imagine you're just busy and/or didn't think it needed a reply. As it was technically a scheduling email. So I'm just being kind of ridiculous, I suppose.
Love,
LT

You're not being ridiculous, LT.

My dearest L, 'activated' is the understatement of the century!

Thanks, Artie.

Its like you read my mind, waterbear

I live in an apartment bldg with an elevator, and i USED to be so anxious or something about the other people in the elevator, that i HAD to make a joke. Just occurred to me that thats how i felt around my mother. Pure emotion.

So much of this lies beyond the bounds of language.
I really don't know how to bring this into the realm of words.
It's an affront to me that he is just...gone.