Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Dear T,

I think I figured it out. I may email you tomorrow, or I may not, but I'm glad that I managed to get a hold of the vague and random thoughts that were flitting through my mind at the end of our last session.

I've been in a dark place. I think I'm still semi in the dark place, but I'm doing everything I can, and everything that K taught me to try and find my way back out. That said, I also think we need to listen to the darkness. To hear it and feel it, as uncomfortable as that is. As difficult as that is. That's what I was trying to get at on Tuesday. To simply allow/ignore the 'behaviour' isn't right. I need to be trying to communicate with the part of me that triggers this behaviour, I think. To try to listen to it. To let it speak. To let it feel. To help it to understand these feelings.

So I did an art journal page, and I went for a muddy walk in the rain and wrote a poem as I walked. I'm not sure either helped, in the short term, but I'm hoping that it will, in the long term.

They say that life's a journey,
They say enjoy the ride,
But it's hard to see the beauty,
When there's demons on your side.

I can hear the birds a singing,
I can hear the babbling brook,
But all I see is darkness,
When I dare to stop and look.

An uphill path and an unsure way,
Boots stuck in mud, if I fall i'll stay.

They say that life's a journey,
The say enjoy the ride,
I really am trying my hardest,
But I'm swimming against the tide,

The river keeps on flowing,
The path it stretches on,
........
........ (I can't remember these two lines, but I have them written down to show you on Tuesday!)

I take a breath and I feel the rain,
Yet coursing through my body is the deepest depth of pain.

I told you that you can’t and aren’t helping me right now. It was the truth and I’m glad that I did. There’s been some bad decisions made by me tonight, but I’m feeling as though I am learning more about myself and everyone else everyday. I forgive myself for doing what I need to do. I am my own person. It’s up to me how I hurt and how I heal. I don’t feel angry at you. I just feel disappointed my needs are always too much. You say you care - and I care too - enough to not want this to lay with you, if worst ever comes to worst. I don’t think it will, but allowing that space between us is probably necessary. I am all mine. I am all mine. I am all mine. I guess I’ll see you when I’ve found some peace. Maybe in a few weeks, maybe sooner.

Thank you for telling me you'll miss me next week.

I'm sorry I didn't respond.

The timing is awkward, considering the event tomorrow.

I will miss you too.

i am so nervous about seeing you later today I feel like throwing up. You're gonna kick me out forever, aren't you. I just know it.

(It's probably the best thing, but still.)

T: thank you for being such an awesome advocate for me.

*mental firework display intensifies*

Limping towards tomorrow, so that I can limp my way through it.

Grateful that I've cleared my decks in all the ways that matter, so that I can rest afterwards.

Thank you for today, and for not kicking me to the curb. I feel like I'm still coming up from the depths and I've been home for 45 minutes! I don't even remember the first half of the drive home... wowza.

Dear T,
I appreciate the validation about both D and H today. And also about the thing I witnessed between my friends 20 years ago (I really thought I'd told you about that at some point, but it's entirely possible that I hadn't. Plus, I don't expect you to remember every single incident I tell you about, unless it's something that was particularly formative or comes up frequently. But it helped that you thought I did the right thing in that moment, as it's one of those times that I've always sort of doubted in my mind. Like, it turned out OK, but it certainly could have gone another way.

It also seemed that you were completely fine with the email, like you completely understood why I reached out. So I didn't feel the need to ask/say any more about it.

Love,
LT

It is absolutely fascinating what we talked about today in relation to my job - I'm not surprised you never saw it before, my having been such a liar liar pants on fire, and all. The magnet analogy was spot on, totally resonated.

Hi R,

The event today surpassed my expectations in the most beautiful way.
I was able to find some words, even if I repeated myself.
The woman from the organisation whose forum I'm also a member of had only known me for 5 minutes, and that hug meant the world.

It seems the way through this is a lot simpler than I thought...

'Tell the damn truth.'

I‘m sorry.

Dear T,
I'm upset with my H because of how distracted he seemed when I was talking about things that were important to me. But then, I should be thankful that he's accepting as he is, even if he's distracted. So I don't know what to feel right now. I'm coming down on "I suck." Which I feel isn't what I should be taking from this.

And I'm also upset about the news from my cousin earlier. I really wish I was seeing you tomorrow. Because of the thoughts it set off in my head regarding D. But it's not at the level of "Any chance you have an opening in your few Sunday sessions?" Or even at at email level. Because it would need to be a conversation. But I still wish I was talking to you tomorrow.

Love,
LT

I have a 2nd goal to add, I'd really like to stop giving a **** what other people think of me.

I wish I hadn't said any of that stuff. My shame is really kicking in. You misinterpreted and I felt ghastly and then you threw in a cliche and then I felt alone and then I became hostile and then you floundered and then I was disconnected and then you started moving which was really annoying but at least I knew what was happening and then you felt clever because you had managed the situation and then I answered your stupid questions because doing anything else felt hopeless and then we said goodbye and now I feel shame. I hate that I can't contact you because I really really want to shove this shame back at you. You ****ing hold it. We both know you aren't as bright as me and that your teeth are rotten and that your hair is out of condition and that your whole demeanour screams daddy issues so let's get that said and then I will feel better.

The questions are infinite with this kind of experience.

What's somehow worse is that I keep asking myself whether I 'fit in' in these spaces.

Like fitting in has ever mattered to me before...

When the guy from the Samaritans asked me whether Steve was local, and I had to say no...the Critic spoke up, and if the choir remark hadn't killed the conversation, that surely would have.

I know you'll be glad I'm feeling a lot better which will be your main focus. I don't know how our food talk will go though. It seems one of the meds I take, maybe the vitamin D, changed the way I eat at least at this moment. I think in a good way because I'm eating better and more healthy things. Its kinda a lot of "rabbit food" though and not a ton of protein, but its pretty much enough quantity wise so I hope you don't have too much of an issue.

honestly, I wonder, is there even a "Me" underneath all the complexes?

and ha. i can hear you now telling me that the asking of this question comes from one of the hundred thousand million kajillion of the ****ing things that I apparently have; or, better stated that have me.

As does that last statement as well.

Maybe "I" am just one great big giant internal family of complexes and not a real person at all.

You said something about integration.

Oh.

Maybe together all of them are me.

I meant what I said, though. I'm not going to default to calling myself broken anymore. I'm going to keep on with my thinkwriting and try to understand if there's any way to excavate a "me" from underneath all the bs. Or maybe out of it.

Who am I? I wish someone would tell me because I obviously don't know how to figure that out after 60 years of life.

T: I am sorry to keep bothering you, but I don’t know how else to handle all of this.

Please ask me again.

Dear T,

I wonder if I am at the right stage in my life to be doing this work? Life is busy right now, and if I can ignore what happened and the effect that that is still having on me, I think it can be good again. I feel like I'm just too busy with everything right now to be travelling this path. It is just so much effort to feel the way I have been feeling recently and it is negatively affecting my life in lots of different ways. I'm not sure I can deal with it. But then, if not now, when? Never? After it's too late to tell the one person who is left that I really would, kind of, maybe, possibly like to know? The thing that keeps me going with this work is that I feel like I've come to far not to try to get over these last few hurdles, but I am seriously scared they are going to break me, and I can't let that happen again.

What do I do, T? What is best? (I know that only I can answer that, but I'm feeling lost)

Is that what you call support??

help. i can’t do it anymore.

Regardless of the outcome, I feel better for having acted according to my own needs and ignoring your boundaries. I am fed up with observing the boundaries of others. I need control and I feel the relief of acting unilaterally. I don't know if this will help me work with you and I don't know if I want to continue or if it's possible for me to continue, but for now I feel more centred. I suppose I don't know if you will work with this so I need to remember that too.