[LonesomeTonight]

I'm debating whether I should change therapists, or at least see someone else for a while (I don't know whether this will stick or not, but I also don't think I can just leave Dr. T without having someone to switch to that I feel somewhat comfortable with).

Anyway, I've found a few promising-looking options on Psychology Today (who either have current availability or a wait list). I want to reach out to them, but would want to ask a few questions to see if they could be a good fit.

I'm wondering if a couple of my potential questions could seem like too much, so thought I'd list what I was thinking of asking here. I mean, I'd probably first email to see if they have availability, then, if they reply yes, to ask them these things.

These first couple seem totally reasonable:
1. Are you accepting new clients? (obviously!)

2. Are you willing to meet clients in person with no mask if they're fully vaccinated/boosted? (some mention this in their bio; some don't; some look like they might only do teletherapy, which I don't know that I'd want.)

I think these are likely fine, too:
3. Are you open to meeting with clients twice a week?
4. Do you allow any sort of outside contact, like email, texts, or phone calls (whether paid or not)?

This is the question I'm wondering about:
5. Do you have experience working with clients who develop some form of transference for you? Is this something you feel comfortable with?

I'm not sure of the best way to word that question. Or if I should open it with "I have a tendency to develop transference for/become attached to my therapists."

Thoughts on whether to ask that? Or better ways to word it? I know there's a chance they could say "Transference happens in all relationships," which wouldn't really give me an answer.

(What I really want to ask is "Are you going to get all weird if I eventually develop platonic love feelings for you?" but I feel that would just scare them off.)

Thanks!

[velcro003]

Why I am up 6:30 is beyond me-but for the last question, maybe ask if they have experience with attachment issues. Because that is all this is. Both of my T’s philosophies use attachment in some form, as part of our therapy. I mean that in the therapy relationship, not just general attachment. Though, I truly think Dr. T has either a very avoidant attachment issue, and he has never really worked on it-well I guess this can be an “and/or” situation-but that attachment is just not what he does. Which, I think we can all agree on. I worry that you will always bump into his “issues” around attachment, in some form, and you never will get relief.

My trauma T is completely fine with me writing emails. But, it has taken over a year to feel “ok” with it. There was one week where I wrote her on a Monday, which she responded to, but never responded to a “i am not doing well” type of email a couple of days later.
This was it! I finally reached her limits. I now will have to have “the talk” about emails. I am too much, etc.

I was a wreck, waiting for our session. I got there and was absolutely terrified when I walked in the room. She started off the session as she normally did, waiting to see what I want to talk about. I was way too anxious to even think straight. I was able to tell her how scared I was to talk to her about something. Then I cried for 10 minutes (and i am not a crier), while not being able to verbalize what was wrong.

I don’t remember how we got there, but she asked if the reason I was so upset was because she never responded to that email. I hung my head in shame as I nodded yes.

Then I cried more, because I was so filled with shame for being so needy, and now she saw it. She was awesome, though. She apologized, and said things got ahead of her, and she didn’t have time to write back. That it had absolutely nothing to do with me. She said she will try harder in the future to be more timely-in which I was like “Omg, no! I am a grown adult, I absolutely need to not freak out just because you didn’t write back to one email!”

Then she said that she has always encouraged emails, and it isn’t too much, nor was I being too needy.
I still have this fear, but since that session, it has diminished greatly. True to her word, she writes back.

I went a whole week without writing to her (lol) about a month ago. I told her I was proud that I didn’t capitulate, and write her that week. She responded that she was wondering how I was doing, because she hadn’t heard from me. That I don’t need to punish
myself because I feel like I am too much.

WOW-this turned into a novel, sorry! All of this is to say is that there are T’s out there who understand attachment wounds, and aren’t scared when
they pop up.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hi Velcro. I appreciate the novel! I also will sometimes end up crying in session because I'm upset about something with Dr. T and have trouble saying it. Like the other day...at least he realized I was crying about something other than what we were actually talking about and asked me. I'm glad your T figured it out!

I get being really upset when a T doesn't respond to an email though (especially of the type that you sent)--that's happened with ex-MC, ex-T (she didn't generally respond, but there was one where I was really struggling that I thought she'd respond to), and Dr. T. And one of the "perks" of Dr. T is that his policy is to always respond to emails, though he only replies in the morning. And I sent him something Wednesday night, but still hadn't heard back by midafternoon Thursday (so followed up, and he'd just been busy). But because he *always* replied with something (even if it was "I wasn't able to reply to your email this morning; do you want me to reply later, or can we just talk next session?"), so I freaked out a bit.

I think I'd need to determine a T's email policy in the beginning, like are they OK receiving them, but won't necessarily respond (or maybe I'd have to ask for a response). Or that they may take a couple days. Just to set my expectations.

I do like your wording about whether a T has experience with attachment issues. That sounds better than what I said! So thanks.

[KLL85]

With my current T, on my first email to enquire about availability I asked the question ‘do you have experience of working through parental transference with clients and if so how would you approach that?’

I also asked ‘would you be comfortable working with someone who exhibits a disorganized attachment style and what experience do you have with treating attachment issues?’

I knew that these two questions were key to me having any chance of recovery, and he said it was actually really helpful for these issues to be acknowledged so early on. He didn’t explain his approach to the issues as he said it would be dependent on each client, but he did make it clear he was comfortable with working with them.

However there is so much tied up in transference that I overlooked with introduction questions. I really wished I had asked whether he was open to using touch in sessions. He is not open to it at all, and had I known this I may have not agreed to see him. It’s become a really massive issue for us which he is just not willing to negotiate on and is causing constant ruptured at the moment. I’m at the point where I have to consider ending sessions because it is becoming so painful, but my attachment to him won’t let me. At the beginning I knew it was probably something that would come up, but I didn’t realise just how devastatingly painful it would be.

So my advice is to ask about transference and attachment in the initial email but then follow up with more questions about things that have the potential to become a sticking point later down the line when you meet them for the first session.

[KLL85]

And as an add on, if they viewed those questions as being ‘too much’ then that tells you straight the way that they are not a good fit for you.

[Oliviab]

LT - If you haven't already filtered for these kinds of things, I would look for theoretical orientations like psychodynamic, relational, or humanist. And would steer clear of CBT or "solution-focused" therapists. You might really benefit from IFS, too.

I like the term "attachment issues," and then if you get any responses and can do a phone consult or meet-and-greet, you can talk about your anxious attachment and that you tend to get attached to therapists, but are a highly motivated and hard-working client and want to explore what comes up in the relationship, tie it back to childhood experiences, the impact on you, and how it shows up in present-day relationships outside of therapy.

I, too, don't think you'll ever get what you want or need from your current therapist. Which is not to say you haven't gotten things from this therapy. But the core needs, in my opinion, are not being addressed in this therapy.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by KLL85

With my current T, on my first email to enquire about availability I asked the question ‘do you have experience of working through parental transference with clients and if so how would you approach that?’

I also asked ‘would you be comfortable working with someone who exhibits a disorganized attachment style and what experience do you have with treating attachment issues?’

I knew that these two questions were key to me having any chance of recovery, and he said it was actually really helpful for these issues to be acknowledged so early on. He didn’t explain his approach to the issues as he said it would be dependent on each client, but he did make it clear he was comfortable with working with them.

However there is so much tied up in transference that I overlooked with introduction questions. I really wished I had asked whether he was open to using touch in sessions. He is not open to it at all, and had I known this I may have not agreed to see him. It’s become a really massive issue for us which he is just not willing to negotiate on and is causing constant ruptured at the moment. I’m at the point where I have to consider ending sessions because it is becoming so painful, but my attachment to him won’t let me. At the beginning I knew it was probably something that would come up, but I didn’t realise just how devastatingly painful it would be.

So my advice is to ask about transference and attachment in the initial email but then follow up with more questions about things that have the potential to become a sticking point later down the line when you meet them for the first session.

Thanks, KLL. I like how you worded your questions to the T.


And I hadn't thought about the touch part, so thanks for mentioning that. I'm sorry it's so painful for you with this T. I'm content with handshakes with my current T, but it was difficult for me when he wouldn't do them for a long time after returning to the office after a long stretch of teletherapy during the pandemic. We finally resumed them in September. It would be nice to find a therapist who allowed more than handshakes, but I feel like handshakes would be a bare minimum for me.

I also wouldn't want to bombard them with questions in an initial email, so like you said, asking some in a first session could be good. Rather than waiting until I'm attached or wanting/needing something that they aren't willing to give.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by KLL85

And as an add on, if they viewed those questions as being ‘too much’ then that tells you straight the way that they are not a good fit for you.

Good point!

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Oliviab

LT - If you haven't already filtered for these kinds of things, I would look for theoretical orientations like psychodynamic, relational, or humanist. And would steer clear of CBT or "solution-focused" therapists. You might really benefit from IFS, too.

I like the term "attachment issues," and then if you get any responses and can do a phone consult or meet-and-greet, you can talk about your anxious attachment and that you tend to get attached to therapists, but are a highly motivated and hard-working client and want to explore what comes up in the relationship, tie it back to childhood experiences, the impact on you, and how it shows up in present-day relationships outside of therapy.

I, too, don't think you'll ever get what you want or need from your current therapist. Which is not to say you haven't gotten things from this therapy. But the core needs, in my opinion, are not being addressed in this therapy.

Thanks, Olivia. That's a good idea to wait until a phone call or initial meeting to mention my tendency to get attached to therapists. But also including how I'm motivated and hardworking, plus the other stuff you said. Like, to also mention the positives about myself as a client!

[ArtieTheSequal]

I'm so glad you posted this LT, it looks like you're already getting a lot of helpful information. I'm also reading the answers with much interest with regards to my own t situation.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Thanks, Olivia. That's a good idea to wait until a phone call or initial meeting to mention my tendency to get attached to therapists. But also including how I'm motivated and hardworking, plus the other stuff you said. Like, to also mention the positives about myself as a client!

You definitely are motivated and committed to doing your work, I'd say.

[LonesomeTonight]

Something else that occurred to me that maybe I'd save for a phone consult or first session: I'm going to want to process some of what happened in my therapy with Dr. T. And I want to make sure they'd be OK with my taking some time to do that.

When I briefly left Dr. T a few years ago, I saw this one T a couple times. I told him that I'd likely need to process what had happened with Dr. T, and he said something like, "I don't think we should spend much time on what happened with your past therapist." It's part of what made me realize that he wasn't a good fit for me.

And Dr. T said at one point (maybe a year ago) that he felt we spent too much time discussing ex-MC in the beginning. But I needed to process that, and at the time, I was still seeing him, then the rupture happened, which I needed to process. I'm glad he didn't tell me that at the time (that we spent too much time talking about him), but it still felt weird hearing it later on. Besides, I told him from the start that I was initially consulting with him to try to deal with my transference for ex-MC! Why would he think I wouldn't have spent much time on it?

Obviously, I wouldn't want to spend *all* my time processing stuff that happened with Dr. T, but I will need to talk about it some. And if a new T has an issue with that, then they aren't the right one for me.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

You definitely are motivated and committed to doing your work, I'd say.

Thanks, Artie! You are as well.

[InkyBooky]

It's interesting- I think your current therapist has pathologized, denied and avoided your normal feelings of relational attachment (ie: feelings of platonic love, parental transference, warmth, etc) to the point that you have internalized his message and you've begun to view said feelings as problems within yourself that the "other" has to deal with, which they absolutely are not. In fact, I would argue that those feelings demonstrate your health and capacity to love and attach to significant others in your life. Many therapists would be thrilled to work with a client such as yourself. You are absolutely ready to engage, challenge yourself and grow. Your current therapist just can't meet you at your level.

Therefore, instead of explicitly asking about transference I would simply say something like this:

"I'm a hard working, self-aware, and stable client who prioritizes my individual therapy and takes seriously the work required to achieve growth and understanding. I have never been late or missed an appointment (other than an actual emergency). I prefer to meet twice per week and I'm looking for a therapist who works relationally. I've gained a great deal of insight and learned useful coping skills with my current therapist, but I feel I'm ready to move on to the next stage of my therapy journey and challenge myself by delving more deeply into relational work with the right therapist."

Obviously tweak this so it fits you- but the point is to let the prospective new therapist know your strengths and that you are committed, educated and engaged in this work---and most importantly that you're looking for someone who can meet you on your level.

[ElectricManatee]

I really like InkyBooky's phrasing -- it would be like catnip for my relational therapist. I would probably suggest avoiding the word "transference" altogether because it means different things to different people. Attachment issues is much clearer. You might also ask if they have recommendations if they think they might not be the right fit for you because this is a sort of specific kind of therapy. You might make sure that they are comfortable working with trauma (especially relational trauma) to make sure you land in the right place.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by InkyBooky

It's interesting- I think your current therapist has pathologized, denied and avoided your normal feelings of relational attachment (ie: feelings of platonic love, parental transference, warmth, etc) to the point that you have internalized his message and you've begun to view said feelings as problems within yourself that the "other" has to deal with, which they absolutely are not. In fact, I would argue that those feelings demonstrate your health and capacity to love and attach to significant others in your life. Many therapists would be thrilled to work with a client such as yourself. You are absolutely ready to engage, challenge yourself and grow. Your current therapist just can't meet you at your level.

Therefore, instead of explicitly asking about transference I would simply say something like this:

"I'm a hard working, self-aware, and stable client who prioritizes my individual therapy and takes seriously the work required to achieve growth and understanding. I have never been late or missed an appointment (other than an actual emergency). I prefer to meet twice per week and I'm looking for a therapist who works relationally. I've gained a great deal of insight and learned useful coping skills with my current therapist, but I feel I'm ready to move on to the next stage of my therapy journey and challenge myself by delving more deeply into relational work with the right therapist."

Obviously tweak this so it fits you- but the point is to let the prospective new therapist know your strengths and that you are committed, educated and engaged in this work---and most importantly that you're looking for someone who can meet you on your level.

Thanks, Inky. Ex-MC's reaction also suggested there was something wrong with my love feelings (after accepting them at first), so Dr. T is just reinforcing my feeling that "my love is poison." Which I'd even talked about with him way before I shared the love feelings with him. Yet he pathologized them anyway.

It doesn't help that on Friday, he said that I'd probably hit up against boundaries with any therapist and be unhappy with them. Well, either that, or they'd have bad boundaries, and then things would get messy. Which also implies that the problem is *me*, not him or other therapists. I'm not sure he realizes that a therapist can be warm and accepting while still having good boundaries.

Thanks for saying that many T's would want to work with me (that actually made me tear up). I think you're right that I should present myself differently to them, more like what you said.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I really like InkyBooky's phrasing -- it would be like catnip for my relational therapist. I would probably suggest avoiding the word "transference" altogether because it means different things to different people. Attachment issues is much clearer. You might also ask if they have recommendations if they think they might not be the right fit for you because this is a sort of specific kind of therapy. You might make sure that they are comfortable working with trauma (especially relational trauma) to make sure you land in the right place.

Thanks, EM. I'm imagining your therapist clapping excitedly seeing an email from me.

And that's a good point on using "attachment issues." I think the problem with "transference" is that the assumption can be that it will be of the erotic type, when, yes, I've had some of that, but what's really impacted me has been the paternal or maternal kind.

Good idea on asking for recommendations, too. And to ask about their comfort with trauma (a couple that I found in my search listed themselves as being "trauma-informed," so that's encouraging).

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

It doesn't help that on Friday, he said that I'd probably hit up against boundaries with any therapist and be unhappy with them. Well, either that, or they'd have bad boundaries, and then things would get messy. Which also implies that the problem is *me*, not him or other therapists. I'm not sure he realizes that a therapist can be warm and accepting while still having good boundaries.

This is him waving a giant flag that he just doesn't get it. Because YES that's exactly what's going to happen and it's A GOOD THING! That's where the real work starts in relational therapy, when you start to have real reactions to things in a place where the person can accept your feelings and help you look at them (their origins, their impact on your body, their presence in your current life) in a non-judgmental way. Your therapist can have good boundaries and also completely empathize with the way they are currently pissing you off.

[East17]

If processing the attachment issues with Dr T with a new therapist are going to be important to you, I'd make sure to get that clarified up-front that they are ok with it. Although a very different scenario, I was assured by current T that talking about what happened with ex (deceased) T would be fine, but in reality, it has been difficult.

In thinking about what you need from a therapist; yes, you want to present the best version of your client-self, but don't forget that you are interviewing them to see if they are right for your needs. A good T should be able to handle all the messy, complex stuff, they aren't expecting you to be a model client.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

[ScarletPimpernel]

There's a quote that L and I use that goes something like "But dear one, you don't have to be perfect to feel safe". She also tells me all the time that my job is to show up, pay my fees, come as I am, and stick to our commitments (always have one last session, use my safety plan, and always wait to hear from her before hurting myself).

Personally, I think you should put it all out there, upfront, and honest. Both T and L appreciated it when I did it. Both knew what they were getting into. L said that when she read my summary of what I deal with and what I'm needing help with, my honesty attracted her to me and she not only wanted to work with me, she CHOSE me.

If you want a T who can help you with relational attachment, tell them upfront. If you want to process your relationship with Dr. T, tell them upfront. If you want emails or touch, tell them... You want to know right away if it scares or worries them. If it does, then it will probably never work out. Better to know before you start developing an attachment.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

....
This is the question I'm wondering about:
5. Do you have experience working with clients who develop some form of transference for you? Is this something you feel comfortable with?

I'm not sure of the best way to word that question. Or if I should open it with "I have a tendency to develop transference for/become attached to my therapists."

Thoughts on whether to ask that? Or better ways to word it? I know there's a chance they could say "Transference happens in all relationships," which wouldn't really give me an answer.

(What I really want to ask is "Are you going to get all weird if I eventually develop platonic love feelings for you?" but I feel that would just scare them off.)

Thanks!

What a thoughtful post, LT. Your questions - every one of them - are excellent, in my opinion. #5 is so important, and is surely a question many clients would like to ask a potential t. I know I sure would.

I love the honesty, the self-awareness, of the way you've phrased your thought in the parentheses, but yes...I suppose it may scare them off - or, worse, invite a weirdo with a huge ego.

I understand how you feel and why you're asking. And yes, for sure - ask. If the person comes back with a standard, "Everyone develops..." -I'd press on a bit with a further exploration of the question, because it's such an important one.

Of course, what I would not want to do is (as you mentioned) scare them off, thinking they have a potential stalker asking to be a client. I'm wondering if you can give a little bit of a reason as to why you're asking the question.

So: "In my experience I have developed strong attachments to my therapists. I'm wondering if that's something you have experience with, because..."

And give an idea of a reason as to why you're asking the question.

I hope this makes sense.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I don't think it's too much, rather something that you're actively struggling with and need help with and ideally should not end up like with Dr. T again. Even *if* it were a bit much (which it isn't), I'd still say send it like that, because it shows what you are struggling with. No need to omit things to a new T, just so that it comes out later and then they feel out of their depth and you're already attached.

[*Beth*]

I agree - asking how the person works with "attachment issues" is more accurate and sounds less threatening than "transference" does.

[Rive.]

How to you deal with ruptures? How do you work through ruptures with clients?

What is your training/modality?

What is your area of specialisation or speciality?

Do you have expertise in the area of attachment?

What is your policy re contact outside of sessions?

How long is a session?

How do you close your sessions?

What is your policy re touch (e.g. handshake)

How do you work with clients who are triggered in session?

[SlumberKitty]

Great questions, Rive!