[SlumberKitty]

Hi all,

So I was out to dinner on Friday with my parents when I got a text from my therapist asking if I wanted to talk that night. She had missed our Tuesday session because of some medical lab work she needed to get done. I said I could talk but it would be late, around 7 PM which was fine with her.

We talked and a lot of it was about self harm because I have been very stressed and anxious for the past week and self harm is a maladaptive coping tool. I hadn't self harmed at that point but I realized in talking with her that she got really sad. So that night I felt really guilty even though I hadn't done anything.

So the next day I texted her and asked her if she was sad when I was talking about self harm. She said she was but because she hates to see me in so much pain. (I really wasn't in pain though, I was wanting to regulate distressing emotions of anxiety.)

Then a couple of hours later she sends me another text. It said "I don't intend to put pressure on you. I certainly don't want you to feel guilty or that I'm disappointed if you do self harm. I'm going to do some research and consulting to more fully understand the intensity of the pain that you deal with daily."

This kind of freaked me out because when I first started working with her I was very open about everything and she assured me that she could help me. I've been to several therapists and made some progress but y'know, still got issues. Still need help.

I texted her a picture of a book that is about self harm and then I ordered her a book from Amazon that I read years ago that is more based towards clinicians about self harm.

I'm frustrated and concerned because while I can educate her on my experiences, I really need to know that she understands this symptom and that she's got it. Like she has a plan. A therapeutic plan that she is using to help me. I think right now I am doubting her competence. I think it's good she is going to consult and do research but she admitted on Friday that she doesn't really understand. I mean, isn't being understood kind of core to therapy? EEK.

On top of the anxiety I am having about medical stuff now I am having anxiety about this. I almost want to cancel my appointment with her tomorrow because I'm freaked out about this whole topic. But that would be running away from it, instead of dealing with it.

I don't know that I can tell her that I need her to really get this and have a handle on this and come up with a plan if she didn't already have one.

I don't know what to do.

Thanks if anyone reads this far.

HUGS Kit

[ElectricManatee]

I'm sorry, Kit, this sounds really hard. Obviously I don't think it's your job to educate her, and I don't know that you would be able to anyway, given that you aren't a mental health professional or a professor. I think the way her feelings mix with your feelings and the way she chooses whatever boundaries she wants whenever she feels like it are both big red flags. Sometimes we walk away to protect ourselves when something doesn't seem right. That isn't "running away" and not dealing with things but rather recognizing that we need something different in order to properly care for ourselves.

[Taylor27]

I think by your therapist educating herself shows me that she is wanting to help you more with this. I hope tomorrow will go well for you and her. I also hope she will be able to understand. I think allot of therapist can do better at helping those struggiling with self harm. I know my trauma therapist is really understanding at first it took her awhile to understand me and experience. If she cannot help you if she can't maybe she can provide you someone who has training in this area. I do hope for the best in that this therapist will be able to help you and come up with a plan that works for you. Hugs

[ScarletPimpernel]

Education is not a bad thing. It's why therapists have continuing education classes. L is always reading, listening to podcasts, consulting with fellow therapists, taking her classes. She is also in her own therapy. These are positive things. So her wanting to educate herself more on SH is a good thing.

Still, I don't think this therapist is good for you. The fact that you keep providing her with things, often paid things and she accepts them, that she is extremely inconsistent to the point of harming you, that she discloses more information than what is helpful to you, etc.

[SlumberKitty]

I went on Psychology Today and found one therapist who takes my insurance. I read her bio. Seems okay. Doesn't specifically say anything about self harm though. I messaged her. We'll see if I get a response. I could call but I prefer the email route for the first contact. I'm not sure I really want to leave my therapist but...I don't know. Maybe I should look at options.

[East17]

It never hurts to look at options. You aren't committing yourself to anything, just making enquiries.

It's great that your T is trying to educate herself further in order to help you. But it's rather concerning if she led you to believe in the early days, that she was more experienced in dealing with self harm than she actually is.

I do get your attachment to your T, but sometimes what we want, isn't what we need.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I went on Psychology Today and found one therapist who takes my insurance. I read her bio. Seems okay. Doesn't specifically say anything about self harm though. I messaged her. We'll see if I get a response. I could call but I prefer the email route for the first contact. I'm not sure I really want to leave my therapist but...I don't know. Maybe I should look at options.

It's good you reached out to someone, Kit--it's worth seeing if she could be a good fit. (I reached out to a couple today myself.)

Regarding SH, there are also different reasons that people do it. So you'll need to be sure your T understands why *you* do it. For example, the times I've done it have been more about self-loathing and sort of punishing myself. Which sounds different from why you do it.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Originally Posted by East17

It never hurts to look at options. You aren't committing yourself to anything, just making enquiries.

It's great that your T is trying to educate herself further in order to help you. But it's rather concerning if she led you to believe in the early days, that she was more experienced in dealing with self harm than she actually is.

I do get your attachment to your T, but sometimes what we want, isn't what we need.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

hoo boy did I need to hear that right now! Thank you!

[Rive.]

Sorry Kit, it seems your T is out of her depth if you want support with self-harm. Also, you shouldn't have to educate her at your expense. it should be up to her to educate herself.

And frankly, merely reading books will not be enough to help her support you effectively regarding self-harm. Yes, she might gain some understanding but that is not enough to help you re formulating a plan, safety strategy etc. There also needs to be experience and specific training in order to be effective. It can be dangerous for a T who is not experienced to counsel a client who needs more specialised care or support. They can do more harm than good.

When working with clients in crisis or in distress, having good intentions (e.g. I want to help my client) is simply not enough, there needs to be proper training and expertise in place too.

[SlumberKitty]

Thanks everyone. I called the therapist that I found yesterday on Psychology Today. I had messaged her but didn't hear back. I got her voicemail so I left a message. I hope she gets back to me to at least let me know if she is accepting new patients. It looks like it from my insurance website but those are not always up to date. I am a little confused as to where exactly her office is because there's a few different addresses listed for her and the phone number on Psychology Today was different than the one on her website. I hate to leave my therapist but I'm not sure I am really getting better. So what am I doing if I am not really getting better. I feel out of my depth trying to educate my therapist. I can tell her about why I self harm but sometimes I don't even know. I need someone who knows this stuff to help me. Unfortunately there isn't a lot of therapists where I live and even less than take my insurance and I cannot afford $175 per session!

[SlumberKitty]

I called another therapist I found too on my insurance website. It said she has an office in my town but then when I called the number it said she was only taking telehealth clients. Oh well. The message said you could also text that number so I did that because who likes to listen to voicemails anymore? Anyway, I thought it best not to put all my eggs in one basket. I hope one or both of these therapists get back to me with an opening. I'd at least like to see my options. If neither get back to me, I guess I am just stuck with my therapist and I will do the best I can to educate her on what she needs to know to help me. But honestly I feel at a loss to do that. I can tell her my experiences of course, but she needs to have the ability to make a good treatment plan for me. I don't even know if I have a treatment plan currently. Sigh.

[SlumberKitty]

I looked for self harm therapist on psychology today. There are four in my state! (I live in CA--it's a big state!) and three of them don't take my insurance. I didn't look at the fourth because they aren't taking new clients.

I wish that potential therapists were quick to get back to potential clients. The wait is hard even though it hasn't been that long.

[ElectricManatee]

What about therapists who say they specialize in trauma? Are they more common?

[SlumberKitty]

Oh good grief. I sent the books I ordered for my therapist on self harm to her work address as that is the only one I have. Well the offices are locked except for Wednesday and Thursday and she doesn't know if she will be there when the delivery person comes. So she was able to get ahold of the driver to tell them this but she didn't have them redirect the package to her house! I can't redirect the package to her house and she can't talk to the delivery driver again. OMG. I am so over this.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

What about therapists who say they specialize in trauma? Are they more common?

Maybe but I don't have big T trauma. Just childhood neglect. Not like a big deal. I don't know that I need a Trauma therapist. This sucks. Pretty much remember why I just picked a name I liked last time.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Maybe but I don't have big T trauma. Just childhood neglect. Not like a big deal. I don't know that I need a Trauma therapist. This sucks. Pretty much remember why I just picked a name I liked last time.

Sooooo... In some ways little t trauma (which is a categorization that I kind of hate) can actually be worse than big T trauma because it can interfere profoundly with your developing sense of self. People (especially those who have been emotionally neglected!) tend to dismiss the impact of emotional neglect, but emotions are so core to our existence as humans that being emotionally neglected is a huge deal. Believe me, I understand this feeling that you don't need a trauma therapist, but I really really think you could benefit from one. And if I'm wrong, a "trauma therapist" can also do general everyday therapy too. (How do I know this? By blundering into therapy with a trauma therapist and discovering all sorts of things that other therapists had never seen and had never been able to help me fix.)

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Sooooo... In some ways little t trauma (which is a categorization that I kind of hate) can actually be worse than big T trauma because it can interfere profoundly with your developing sense of self. People (especially those who have been emotionally neglected!) tend to dismiss the impact of emotional neglect, but emotions are so core to our existence as humans that being emotionally neglected is a huge deal. Believe me, I understand this feeling that you don't need a trauma therapist, but I really really think you could benefit from one. And if I'm wrong, a "trauma therapist" can also do general everyday therapy too. (How do I know this? By blundering into therapy with a trauma therapist and discovering all sorts of things that other therapists had never seen and had never been able to help me fix.)

Thanks EM. I do tend to minimize it and I am not sure I really fully understand how much it has impacted me because my parents are pretty much loving now, if aloof and only quasi supportive. Maybe I will check into this and see if anything comes up. Thanks for caring!

[SlumberKitty]

One of the therapists I contacted got back to me. So I have an appointment for the 20th. She said I can't see both therapists at one time. (Which I figured she would say that.) She asked me if I wanted to have a closure session with my current therapist. I said I was going to talk to her tonight. (I am not actually going to end things tonight but neither therapist needs to know that.) I don't want to end with my current therapist until I know how things go with new therapist. She says she has a few clients who self harm. So hopefully that will be a good sign. She seemed encouraging on the phone. Now I gotta wait a week.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

One of the therapists I contacted got back to me. So I have an appointment for the 20th. She said I can't see both therapists at one time. (Which I figured she would say that.) She asked me if I wanted to have a closure session with my current therapist. I said I was going to talk to her tonight. (I am not actually going to end things tonight but neither therapist needs to know that.) I don't want to end with my current therapist until I know how things go with new therapist. She says she has a few clients who self harm. So hopefully that will be a good sign. She seemed encouraging on the phone. Now I gotta wait a week.

Kit, I'm glad she got back to you and you have a session scheduled! I agree on not terminating with your current T until you meet with this one. (That's not seeing both at the same time.) If you think this one could be a good fit, then I think you could still have a termination session with the other T (if you want!) after you meet with her.

[Rive.]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Maybe but I don't have big T trauma. Just childhood neglect. Not like a big deal. I don't know that I need a Trauma therapist. This sucks. Pretty much remember why I just picked a name I liked last time.

Childhood neglect *is* trauma, Kit. Worse, research has indicated that it can have more serious consequences on one's mental health than the other types of trauma.

Your trauma is not any lesser than those other types of trauma. Your matters just as much. And it *is* a big deal..

[Rive.]

PS: And I would not end it with your therapist just yet. You are only just starting / trying this new one out. It is a trialling period - both for her to see if she can support you but also for *you* to see if you can work with her and if you can get the help you need. So I would not burn my bridges with current T yet..

And good on you for taking this step to reach out to new Ts, Kit.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I just wanted to say one thing regarding finding a good T for you: lots of Ts probably don't put "I work with self harm" or something like that, mine certainly doesn't. That's because it's mainly considered a symptom and a "bad" coping skill. The symptom part is important because at least here, they don't usually list symptoms, they list specific illnesses, like depression, BPD, DID... somebody with BPD might or might not struggle with self harm, listing every possible symptom would be a bit much. It's easier and more inclusive to say what diagnosis you work with. The "bad" coping skill is important because I've found that at least my T doesn't want to ruminate too much on those. We might have had two full sessions in total that really discuss self harm. The rest of the time, the discussion is something like me saying it's happened again, him asking very quickly to see it, and then he asks why it happened, what was going on, and we might discuss what I could have done differently. I think he does it like this because concentrating too much on the maladaptive part doesn't make it go away and doesn't give you any new resources. It's like if you were to talk about some trauma over and over while only concentrating on what has happened. It might help short term, but it doesn't really change anything.

Maybe some things you could search for apart from self harm and your own diagnosis is something like BPD or DBT? Therapists who treat BPD tend to know about self harm and they have a bunch of knowledge on how to cope/calm down. Even if you don't have BPD, if they list your issues as well as that, I think that might be beneficial for you.

[SlumberKitty]

Good point, ChickenNoodleSoup. I don't have BPD but I do have Schizoaffective Disorder, GAD, and ADHD. The last two pretty much everyone works with the first one, eh, not so much. My current therapist says it is a diagnosis she probably knows the least about. I did send my potential new therapist a few things besides her required documents, one being a superbill from my psychiatrist that lists what he has diagnosed me with, one being my medication list, and another a short "history"/things to know about me. She said she will do an intake so I hope it gives her a bigger picture of me and helps her to understand me.

[SlumberKitty]

I had a session with my current (soon to be former?) therapist last night. I told her that I am really depressed, but I didn't tell her why. I also did not tell her about the appointment with potential new T on Monday. I know I should have, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. She always says she loves me and even last night she said I am special to her. It's like how can I think about leaving that?! But I also know she isn't really helping me, no matter how loving she is to me. The loving part feels good, don't get me wrong, but I don't feel that she really understands me or really knows how to help me. I don't think we really have any goals. We just focus on what is going on the past week for me and while that can be helpful, it doesn't seem like anything good comes from it. No skills. No nothing. I'm really stressed about seeing possible future T because I need to figure out exactly what it is that I want to be working on. She asked me yesterday when she called but I wasn't really ready for the question and I didn't have a great answer. It's going to be a hard week. I really hope I don't end up self-harming to deal with the stress. I know I should probably text current T and at least tell her I am consulting with someone else but I can't seem to do that, either. Yup. I'm a big chicken.

[LonesomeTonight]

Kit, I think it's fine to not tell your current T about the upcoming appointment. It makes sense to see if you like the new T before potentially ending with this one. With the new one, maybe you can work together to figure out goals? I don't think she would expect you to know immediately what you want unless it's something really straightforward, like, "Cope with anxiety better." I hope the new one turns out to be helpful!