Questions for a potential new T

Thanks, Rive, these are helpful. I just emailed one for a free 15-minute conversation, so these seem like good things to ask (though I imagine more than would fit into 15 minutes--just want to get a sense of whether she could be a good fit.


She mentioned "warm and nurturing" on her website, which sounds nice. And does work in somatic therapy (plus other modalities), which seems like it could help with some of my anxiety. I'm not sure which type specifically she does, as it sounds like some involves actual touch and other types don't (EMDR is technically somatic therapy, for example).

I have a list of other possibilities, too. I think some of those also do free consults, so perhaps I could spend the next couple weeks T shopping between my sessions (if I even go to them, as today was...not good).

HUGS LT. I'm sorry today's session didn't go well. I think that "warm and nurturing" sounds good, and hopefully you will find a therapist to see for a while or maybe make a permanent change who can help you with some attachment/transference. You got a lot of good responses on questions to ask. If you have a dx I think also asking if they have experience with OCD or whatever would be good too. Good luck! Hugs Kit

Thanks, Kit! That's a good idea to ask about OCD, as that's tied into some of the attachment stuff, I think. Plus affects other areas of my life (like my D said she dipped her dress in the toilet this morning, which totally triggered my contamination/germs anxiety).

Agreed. "warm and nurturing" is a great start. You definitely want someone who works relationally.

I really like Rive's list of straightforward questions. Once you make it past the email/phone consult stage (and think someone might be a good fit)- you can always schedule a paid consultation session- at which time you can get a little more into the nitty gritty of what you want to work on. And you can ask more specifically about what they consider to be the structure of how therapy should work (and/or what they consider to be the foundation of successful therapy).

When I did this with my current therapist he told me that all parts of me were welcome. All feelings and experiences were welcome (even if they had to do with him and/or the process of therapy). Most importantly, he stated that our relationship would be the foundation of the work. That was very different from how my previous therapist viewed therapy and the therapeutic relationship.

Not that one is better than the other, but my relational therapist is a far better fit for me and I've made immense progress with him.

Thanks, Inky. That's a good point that I could probably schedule a paid consultation session if I wasn't sure I was ready for a regular intake yet. Like if I was still deciding.

I'm glad your relational therapist that you have now is a good fit. This one included a post on attachment theory on her blog and mentioned how the therapeutic relationship itself is a big part of healing. (Meanwhile, Dr. T today complained that we'd spent too much time talking about the therapeutic relationship lately, and he only wants to to be a certain part of the focus.)

Dr T has no business 'complaining' about whatever you want to discuss in therapy... it's your therapy, not his!

I think this just highlights even more, that you would do better with a relational T. One who doesn't mind these kinds of discussions and positvely welcomes them, and more importantly, one who doesn't shame you over them. You deserve better than that LT.

Thanks, East. I did have a free 30-minute consultation today with a (female) T who is more relational. We did talk about Dr. T a bit (not by name), as she wanted to know why I was considering changing T's. And she seemed a bit horrified by some of the things I shared. So that was validating. She also said how she'd handle a client saying they loved her platonically, basically saying that it made total sense due to the nature of the relationship and was OK.

So I have a regular appointment with her Tuesday. I canceled my Dr. T session tomorrow (if nothing else, I need a bit of space from him) and am debating what to do about Friday or next week. I may keep my remaining sessions, not say anything about the other T (assuming I can manage that) until after I've had the first real meeting with her, and then try to decide what to do. In terms of, do I want to take a break and check back in with Dr. T in, say, 2 months? (I could always opt not to, if things are going well with the new T.) Formally terminate? Keep seeing both for a few weeks while I decide?

I'm pleased you've been able to get an initial appointment with another T.

I know how scary it feels to go from having had regular therapy long-term to nothing, and I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have a backup plan just in case things don't work out with potential new T. However, going back to Dr T isn't really the solution is it, because you'd just be getting more of the same.

In terms of whether you keep the remaining sessions with him, you can always say you need to take a break now, and wait until after your session with new T on Tuesday to see how you feel. Or if that doesn't seem manageable, perhaps keep the Friday and/or Monday sessions with him but steer the conversation to safer ground, like around your D for example.

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I was seeing a T that I really didn’t click with so I decided to look for another T, which is very difficult. I kept seeing T1 thinking she was better than not having any support. But after an initial consult, with whom I didn’t match up with, I felt like I was ‘cheating’ on my current T, so I told her that I was looking for a new T. She was really good about it and she knew I wasn’t happy about how my therapy was going. I was relieved and could process what I experienced as I looked at other T’s. In the end someone she had recommended worked for me.

I'm glad she was supportive of your search and that you found someone who works for you! I understand what you mean that you felt like you were "cheating" on her.

I know my T has said before that he's fine with me consulting with someone else, whether a one-time thing or to take a break and then return. But he prefers to know about it. And I did consult with people a couple times (told him after the fact once or twice and before the fact another time).

So now I'm wondering if I should tell him I am seeing someone else Tuesday or wait until after I see her? I know I'm not required to tell him, but it occurs to me that it could make things worse between us if I tell him after the fact. I mean, he probably suspects I'm looking around, as I'd mentioned Friday that I wondered if I needed to see someone else.

Maybe I'll see how things go Friday (assuming I keep that session), then I could choose to tell him Monday, as I see the new T Tuesday. So it would still be telling him in advance. Or I just don't say anything until I'm sure about what I want to do...

Thanks, East. I do feel like I should have some sort of backup plan--maybe keep looking for new T's (or have a list ready) in case it doesn't feel right with this one. She seemed great in the 30-minute consultation, and maybe this is a weird comparison, but I've been on my share of first dates that have seemed good, then the second (or third or fourth) date is like "Nope!" Or if I realize I do need a T with *some* sort of outside contact option (not necessarily email, but something like a brief phone call).

Right now, I'm thinking I'll keep at least the Friday session and do my best to just focus on D (or whatever else may be going on in my outside life). I suspect I'll start randomly crying because I'll want to talk about the relationship, but I'll keep myself from going into that topic.

Depending on how that session goes, I'll decide about Monday's.

I know I could always just email him (his favorite thing!) and say I'm taking a break for x amount of time (like a few weeks, a couple months). But I'd rather say that in person. In part so we can have a discussion about it, as he'd probably just reply to the email with "OK" or something.

This may be completely delusional of me, but I sort of hope, before I were to take a break or possibly terminate entirely, we can be on slightly better terms. I really don't want things to end this way after >5 years. Like I'd prefer it if we could have a conversation on "This relationship doesn't seem to be working for either of us right now, so it's time for me to try something else."

I partly want to be more calm and rational about it, not leaving in tears and running to another T, if that makes sense. To not be like, "What you said Monday hurt me, so I'm running away to see someone who is basically the opposite of you. Take that!"

But to be more like, "I don't think this relationship is meeting my needs or helping me right now. You've helped me quite a bit over the past 5 years, and I thank you for that. But I need a change. This is just what I need to do to help me grow and move forward. I hope you can respect that."

And maybe have him wish me well and say I'm welcome back if I change my mind. But I know I have no control over what he says.

I know it might not make sense why that difference matters to me. And maybe I can't achieve it. Maybe I'll just end up sitting in a ball sobbing, saying how he hurt me and I love him and then sort of slinking out the door, unable to look at him as he shakes my hand. But I think I need to try. For me.

Sorry, that ended up being a novel!

This sounds like the perfect thing to tell him.

Thanks! The question is, will I actually be able to do that?

I hope you'll be able to structure this ending in a way that leaves you feeling like you're aware (and unashamed) of what you need, confident that it's time for a change (even if it's painful due to your attachment to him), and that you're taking control of your own mental health and advocating for yourself as you explore appropriate next steps to continue your therapy journey with someone new.

You can be both grateful for the role he's played in your life during this time and also committed to continuing your healing with a new therapist. It's ok to do both and it's natural to have feel mixed feelings about all of it. Change and growth are hard.

Thanks, Inky. And you're right that I can be both grateful for what Dr. T gave me and also ready to move on. The good thing is, the new T, S, has said she's completely open to talking about what happened in the Dr. T relationship and helping me process that. And that she'd expect me to need to do that.

I feel that I might feel better about leaving Dr. T once I have a couple sessions with S completed (she seemed OK with my not immediately terminating and said we could spend the first session talking about how to handle that). I mean, assuming I continue to feel good about her. Then it might help me feel more like I'm moving toward someone rather than just away from someone.

I think it will also help me if I can process this with her that it's not that *I* messed up another relationship by having feelings and being too needy (email, etc.), but that it was a mismatch and that it was Dr. T who failed me.

LT I just want to comment on the no emails thing with your new T. Originally my T didn’t allow outside contact but after a couple of months he quickly realised that it may be a good way for me to express what I was feeling as I struggled so much to tell him verbally.

So for a while I would email and he would reply briefly, but it did become a massive problem because his responses were never enough for me. I either freaked out because it took him a while to reply or the words he used were never enough to soothe me.

I made the decision to stop emailing (partly because I didn’t actually realise all of these emails were being put in to my file which I didn’t like the idea of) and I have to say it has actually been a positive thing.

I’ve still written stuff down but I’ve taken it to the session which has actually forced me to talk about it more than what I would have done if I had emailed it.
I thought I would find it really hard and painful to not send him emails when I was highly distressed and not have his name keeping popping up in my inbox, but I guess it has helped me to have to sit with those feelings. It also reduced some of the anxiety and paranoia about his feelings towards me and did help with stopping misunderstandings and reduced the amount of conflict we were having. I realise emails were great on one level but a cause of so many other problems that I then had to deal with without him being present.

I still get some outside contact from him - we agreed that he would send one text between sessions to just remind me that he is still there and I am allowed to respond if I want to, but on the understanding that he won’t get in to a back and forth exchange. This had worked well, it helped me to keep some form of connection to him but in a very simple and less intense way. The problem came when he forgot to text one time and I was completely devastated and furious with him as I felt so rejected and abandoned.
But maybe that might be something future therapists are open to if it is kept very boundaried?

I ask potential therapists if they hug their clients. T and I have never hugged in 6 years and I don't really want to but when I saw my first t I once said something about a huh and she thought I wanted to hug her (that wasn't what I was saying) she got so freaked out and her response led to me feeling so hurt and ashamed and like there was so.rthing wrong with me. So now I ask that to just Guage their response.

I'm glad you are exploring options as I know it takes a lot of strength to leave. You deserve care that really centre's around helping you and healing you. Maybe you could ask a potential T what you could put in place to help you while they are away. I know DrT had an issue with the idea of something transitional and you felt hurt by the so how would this T help you manage when away?

Good luck!! My current t of 6 years is retiring early so I'm searching too. When I first met her I went in with a bunch of questions and we ended up talking g about what tasks we would do in the amazing race. Her answers told me everything lol