Being triggered--I hate it

That whole "triggered" phrase is one I had never heard until starting therapy. I understand it now, but don't know what to do when it happens. Today I was triggered by an email from my lawyer. I could feel myself getting very upset and anxious and reacting all out of proportion. I dashed off a very upset email in response but luckily restrained myself from hitting send. The triggering revolves around a guy on my divorce team, who I have had bad experiences with before. But what can I do about it? I am stuck with this guy. It's not like I can avoid the trigger. And I react so negatively to him that it's got to be something more than him, something more deeply embedded in me and my history. I feel embarrassed by my reaction but I can't help it. How can I stop this? Truly, he is not a bad guy. And maybe it is not even him that is the trigger, but when I hear about these people talking about me behind my back and/or keeping secrets from me, I just do not react well. And it just happens that he is usually somehow involved. It always seems like he is there when I am not in the loop and somehow what he says doesn't add up and he isn't forthcoming with me. I feel betrayed and like he wants to keep me anxious and uncomfortable. Why can't he just make things easier instead of harder? What is the point? I just sent him a check for $1200.

I have therapy tomorrow and wonder if I should talk about this. Is this something T could help me with? Or should I just suck it up and somehow get through all the anxiety that this causes? This is when I want drugs for anxiety.

What is this all about? Would it even help me to know? Am I better off learning some CBT coping strategies to deal with this?

I feel like they want me to march through Hell for arbitrary reasons, and I cannot get through it.

I would definately think talking about it with T could help.

I've always liked the Buffalo Springfield line in the song, For What It's Worth, that says, "Nobody's right if everybody's wrong." Sometimes I swap "belief systems" and arbitrarily decide I've got it wrong and the other point-of-view or way things are has the right of it. Just imagining it and trying to get into that mindset, which I've declared my own, often tells me something I didn't realize before.

I'm glad you caught yourself before you sent the email. Can you remember any specific incidents in your past where talking behind your back and others with secrets were an issue? For me, something like that would be teachers/school and my parents. Too, my father signed a note saying he'd pay my rent for me at my first apartment if I didn't and I didn't learn anything about that until I moved 13 years later. Do you have any strong memories of people working behind your back like that? Having things out in the open doesn't initially stop the triggering for me but does help me keep from compounding it. Realizing I'm working as hard as I can on my end of the problem gives me a measure of self pride and reminds me to keep my heart and mind working on my stuff.

((( sunny )))

It sounds very difficult what you are going through.

> Why can't he just make things easier instead of harder?

Can you concentrate your attention on other people who are not so triggering?

Sunrise,
I think it is good that you are not just accepting that you don't like the guy and looking at whether there is more too it. However, I would not ignore your gut feeling. I'm finding that when I have the visceral sense that something is not right there is usually good reason for it. From what you described in other posts, I think you have good reason to be angry with this team and the whole damn divorce process for that matter. LET GO and be angry :-) Sorry, LOL at myself

Sounds like you are rewinding and reviewing your interactions with him looking for a connection; but also keeping your external responses in check. I don't think this is anything to be embarrassed about! To me it shows a lot of restraint and maturity in dealing with your feelings. Embarrassing would be you sending the legal group an email saying he's a f'ing pansy who watches too many soaps and dreams of being the top gossiping hen. Or maybe recommending that he join a small-penis support group to get some balls to say stuff to your face. Opps! lets see how the censors deal with that one. Use this post if you want to write down you dislikes and the feelings (however unsupported they presently are) and see what you find. We can help you vent anonymously without any RL fallout.

Personally for the 1/2 cent that its worth, I think this would be a good think to chat with your T about, unless you have other stuff that it more important. This guy might not be worth spending your valuable T time on.

The behind your back issue is still bothering you. Although you were able to clear things up with you T, you seem still really angry with the other people involved. Maybe you've decided to focus that anger on one person. Maybe this makes dealing with the others more tolerable. MAYBE if he is truly a jerk ...and he is someone in the group who you can %#@&#!-off without hurting your situation too much--you can deliberately transfer all you anger towards him. It may make dealing with the others more bearable until you are fully untangled. I don't know if that is healthy or not--but if its OK for us to make our Ts into transitional vessels for our emotions, why not do it with some jerk?

Remember the source of the above information is an insane person.

Hi Sunny!

Here is one area that I have some difficulty using CBT. I have asked my T this too.

When looking for evidence to support or not support a 'hot thought' which it sounds like to me, the hot thought being how you feel about yourself as a result of Mr. Idiot's behavior.

What can we possibly say to ourselves that will make any difference to us.

His suggestion was to write about whether or not you can change the problem and if you can't then we chalk it up to accepting what we cannot control for our sake and not theirs.

If you can change it by doing something different such as talking with this person or killing them with kindness (not literally of course!) then do so for your sake and not his.

For example, this week, we lost about three friends in our neighborhood over a stupid argument about whether or not to improve our subdivision with the addition some recreational stuff. My hot thought is I feel like I failed my son somehow because now all of these people are not coming to his birthday party on Saturday. These were 'friends' of ours and I use the term lightly. My three year old suffers in the end and what a shame that is.

My negative self talk is why can't I just go along with the crowd sometimes for my son's sake...then I realized I am not doing him any favors by going against what I believe in just to fit in.

That was my response to my feeling of failure and it did make a difference for me. I am not the failure, I am a good friend to all of them and would never wreck the friendship over how they voted. I accept their right to think for themselves and I'm sorry they can't do the same for me.

See if my example helps you somehow. I would definitely talk about this with your T...good luck

Thank you all. The responses are so diverse and so thought-provoking.

Perna, I am trying to think of past instances of people going behind my back but am not sure I strongly remember any. The feeling I get when I hear the team has been talking crap about me behind my back is one of unfairness and helplessness. I feel like I am being infantilized, like the "elders" are discussing what is best for little sunny (nice pat on head). I feel they are saying stuff that is not true and that I have no opportunity to defend. Or they won't answer my questions straight out. I want things to be more direct and straightforward, for people to talk openly to each other. I don't get why that would be harmful.

Pachyderm, I have tried to avoid dealing with this guy and had some success. I have tried to stuff the out-of-whack reaction deep inside me and not deal with it, but then something like this happens and it comes exploding out again. And I can't avoid dealing with this person 100% of the time. And I'm wondering if that is any kind of decent solution anyway (repressing).

mckell, I loved your response. We can be two insane people together! Because that is how I feel when I shoot from 0 to 100 on the explosion scale in an instant. Where is this coming from? I read a poem from Rumi once that made me feel better about that, like this is normal behavior to be so volatile. Maybe I need to reread that to calm myself. I think you are right about my anger not being gone over this. And this dude I do not get along with is bearing the brunt of my reactions. I totally recognize this but don't know how to stop it. I don't want to dump on my lawyer as she is supposed to be on my team, and I have dumped on her before and I felt bad for that. I have wanted to dump on opposing counsel at least once, but refrained. So Mr. Idiot seems relatively "safe" as a target of all my frustration with the process, talking behind my back, etc. But I need to get along with this guy! He can make me lose a lot of money through his lack of good advice or financial misguidance. I hated writing that check to him the other day. I felt like WTF, you are no value to me at all, I can't stand you, you don't deserve my money. Grrrrrrr.

almeda, interesting what you wrote about CBT. I don't really use CBT so I am no expert, lol. But I thought maybe it would help me get through this since I am not handling it well using my own rather pathetic techniques. I actually would love to talk to Mr. Idiot and resolve our issues between us. I think this would help so much. But we seem not to be allowed to talk to each other. He has suggested it is unethical. Harrumpf! That ethics comment did nothing to endear him to me. Yes, his behavior may be outside of the scope of my control, but that doesn't help me cope at all. I tried letting it go for a while, now here it is again. All this stuff didn't disappear, just went inside me again until I was triggered and out it came again. Repression solved nothing for me.

Yes, I am going to talk to T about this today. But I can't talk to him unless he agrees our conversation will be confidential. And I'm not sure he will agree to that. I'll ask him right at the beginning of the session. If he says no, then I won't be able to speak to him on this. We'll have to talk about something else. But if that happens I know I'll sit there feeling awful he can't guarantee me confidentiality for even one session. Probably best just to leave if that happens, for what can we get done with that hanging over us? So I hope he responds favorably to the request for confidentiality. I want to give him the triggering email and go over it with him and talk about why it was so triggering. Maybe I also want T to give me a smack upside the head and tell me I'm being totally unreasonable. I would accept this from him.