Couch 246: Choose Change

It's the only mode of transportation that allows us to bring our "nail clippers"

Peas and mushrooms are a handy combo recipe so you can instruct the kids that they "must eat every mushroom and pea on the plate." Freud never takes a vacation in my house.

h has been out on 3 different jobs today, they are certainly keeping him busy lately. this is a very good thing. he just called & asked if I could have a salad waiting for him when he gets home because he hasn't had a chance to stop and eat today with the time restraints on the deliveries. And he knows I love making salads. I don't know why but salads are fun to make.

Good for him! Salads are a good habit. I crave them now. Altho mine are often very simple. Just one type of lettuce! I think its my ocd expressing itself.

I'm so disenchanted with therapy right now. He's off for another week again. It feels like he just got back. It feels like with our recent rupture he unilaterally changed the operating parameters of our relationship. I'm feeling pretty discouraged by that. He keeps reminding me that emails are for scheduling or requests for support. Not out of the blue, just when it comes up. I feel like I'd be better off completely alone and I just want to quit. Not sure how to quit by email though since emails are only about scheduling or requests for support. I hate the holidays. Bah humbug.

Hugs, NP.

I just had an insight about something. When L & I scheduled for this Friday, I reminded her it was the day after Thanksgiving and said it's okay if you end up needing to cancel (since she's done that before when we've scheduled on that day). She said "Stop taking care of me" and insisted she would be working. What just hit me was, when I said that, I actually was taking care of ME - not her - because if she works when she's not feeling up to it, then I won't get her best therapist self, and I'm greedy, that's what I want, that's what I need (and of course that's what I'm paying for besides). I wish I'd realized that at the time of the conversation. I always think of important things after the fact...

ok time to go work on my mom's christmas afghan some more.

Hugs, NP. It does sound like he changed things, from how you described the policy around email before. I'm sorry. I don't think it's right for them to unilaterally change things like that. I hope things improve with your relationship.

Morning couchies, and happy thanksgiving to those who celebrate today. I went for what turned out to be a brisk walk this morning, my outdoor thermometer says its only 48 degrees F out there which is chilly for us desert-dwellers!

I got 6 rows/rounds done on my mom's christmas afghan lastnight, so I'll probably finish it either today or tomorrow; my goal was to get it to her by her birthday (Dec 13). I might even be able to get the other one done by then too, as I've already started it. The turquoise yarn I ordered for it is supposed to get here tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving, Artie, and to everyone else who celebrates.

I subscribe to the Atlas Obscura newsletter. Today's email has the subject line "Remember when racoons were a Thanksgiving meal?" No. No, I do not remember that at all. I've never even considered that someone would eat a racoon. Apparently, Americans had a longstanding tradition of eating racoon that I was totally unaware of.

I had never heard of such a tradition, either!

Everything is always better with Feta or Goat's cheese. You could add tuna too for more protein.

I thought thanksgiving was already over as Amazon had started their black friday deals already for us, from the 17th I think.

I didn't buy anything.

Your feelings as understandable NP.

The new break can make it hard to reconnect, whilst you're still sorting through the disconnect from his leaving during the previous break.

You do have a say in this relationship too. He should not be making and changing "rules" without discussing it first.

If you want to quit via email- you just have to say you'd like to cancel any upcoming appointments you have and will be in touch to rearrange if that's what you wanted to do.

Just a note of caution, please make sure you do seek additional support if you need it, and don't try to white knuckle your way through. The holiday period can be very unsettling.

I hope you continue to stay safe NP. We're around if you need to talk.

Just finished my latest Christmas afghan:

That is gorgeous, Artie!

You make such beautiful creations....

I know the lucky recipient will appreciate it.

Thanks, Lost. When I'm feeling as unwound emotionally as I have been lately, I feel like crocheting helps keep me together, so I've been doing a LOT of it!

Thanks for the nudge.

Maybe I need to find a moment to get the watercolour paints out.

Well done Art that's fab.

Should I also PM you my address?

I just googled "existential crisis" and learned that existential OCD is a thing. "It can present in the need to ask questions over and over again, or not being able to rest until you have answers to your questions".

Huh.

I think there may possibly not exist enough yarn in the world for me to crochet myself outta this. Maybe I should start crocheting myself a cave to go live in.

My head's certainly in a weird place today. My session this afternoon should be an interesting one.

Well, a lot has happened (sorry...long post!)

L took her leave and had her baby 5 days later. Beautiful baby boy. Mom and baby are well.

I've had 2 sessions with G. Horrible. Canceled my last session with him. We are not the right fit. It's so awkward and I have this desire to protect him. He's too quiet, reserved, and passive. I think I'm reading him as fragile and therefore weak. He's also just not as available as I need him to be. J says to just depend on him for email correspondences since I've had a mostly positive experience with that. L says to trust my wise-mind and gut, that it has never steered me wrong. I think L and I focused too much on not getting attached to a substitute support therapist, that we forgot I need a little attachment to develop a connection. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet.

Then the worst of it all: my ESA, Anya. Anya is my 9 yr old Sheltie. She's the one who went with me to sessions with L. Just before L's leave she got a UTI. We gave her antibiotics and she started vomiting and became lethargic. Switched meds and thought she was fine. She wasn't. Three days after L left, Anya was diagnosed with gallbladder mucocele: basically something clogged her gallbladder, and black sludge started solidifying in there. We thought medication could help, but her symptoms worsened. One week after L left, we had to rush Anya into emergency surgery. Once in surgery they discovered her gallbladder ruptured a few days before. She had less than 50% to survive the surgery. They wanted us to pay for hospitalization for the next several days, but that would have cost us $2k a night. So we fought them, had to sign an ama, and took her home. They said she'd probably die that night. But she didn't! I had to feed through feeding tube, give meds, or clean her drainage every 2-4 hours. It was exhausting. Both L and I were communicating during our morning feedings. It's been 10 days since her surgery and she is doing great! She already had her drainage removed, she'll have her feeding tube removed Sunday and her stitches removed Wednesday. Right now we're feeding every 8 hours, and meds every 4-8 hours. She's spunky again, eating on her own, pottying, everything. Oh, and we finally figured out how the UTI and gallbladder were linked: ecoli. Somehow (we don't feed them anything raw and their diet is 95% kibble), she got ecoli which caused both infections. The ecoli didn't cause the mucocele, but it might be why it ruptured when it did.

I am coping. Thanks to L being there even while caring for a newborn, and thanks to J and H stepping up, I'm okay.

I do want to say thanks to the concern and care from those of you here. I had to step away as it was becoming toxic for me. I'll try my best to not let that get to me. I did not mean to disrespect any of you.

P.S. - I got a tattoo in the mix of all of this. A hydrangea and a peony. They represent me and L. I can't wait to show L! She knew about it and gave me her blessing.