Couch 246: Choose Change

What a tease! And not in a good way. My guard was always completely down in t, so i would have taken that totally seriously

Ugh! No wonder my last FEELING in t was feeling like a cat trying to escape out an open door. I should probably therapize on that!

omg what a terrible tease!! I wonder what he would have said if you'd said that. There are certainly times when I've wished L and I could keep going for another couple of hours. Friday was decidedly not one of those times, however. I could hardly wait to flee. I hope we can continue the same momentum this week, though. Even though it's super hard work we're into, it's good too.

I always was ready to leave -the idea of staying longer seriously creeps me out

Most of the time it feels like I've been there for about 5 minutes when I see that time's almost up...

I think 40 years of 45 minutes programmed itself into my jeans.

I've gotten pretty good at being able to tell when I have 20 minutes left--which for me is ideally the cutoff for bringing up a new topic (though of course I don't always follow my own rule). I tend to keep a closer eye on the time in the last stretch, too, as I don't want him to have to say "We need to stop."

I'm worse at judging the earlier part of session. Sometimes, I feel like I've been rambling/we've been chatting a long time, but then I look at the clock to see it's only been about 10 minutes. Other times, it's more like 25.

oh i feel that so hard - i don't ever want L to have to say "we need to stop" either. too much of a reminder that it's her job I guess. so i tend to keep an eye on the clock, as she has a 2nd one facing the couch. she always says it's her job to mind the time, but then if that's true why is the 2nd clock there in my face! I think one of these times I'ma go in there and turn that clock around to face her and LET her. Although like una said I'd probably sense when time's almost up anyway just because I'm programmed too.

I have some sort of therapy-provoked condition where I start to fall asleep halfway through.

I see Visa now irregularly, but always for 30 minutes only.

H bought 3 pineapples because they were 50 cents each the day before he went out of town for a week haha. I guess he thinks i must really like pineapple...

Reminds me of the joke, "Artie chokes 3 for a dollar at Safeway." Its probably on google, its at least 40 years old!

Are pineapples as temperamental as avocados?

hahaha! thanks for the chuckle una

not quite but almost....

If you cut them up, and diced them into cubes you could freeze them. Then none would go to waste and you could add them to smoothies or pizza when you needed them.

i never thought about freezing it. but yeah, why not, i've frozen other fruit before! thanks.

ooh i love pineapple on pizza mmmmmmmmmm

So, I am having major second thoughts about going through with "the Thing" next week. I called my primary care dr after work and told them I'd like the referral he offered to another gyno after all, to get a 2nd opinion. I'm going to call gyno tomorrow morning and change my appointment to be an ask-more-questions one instead. I just don't want it and dammit it's my body (insert newly-minted assertiveness here). I want to take a little more time to explore any other possible options. H is actually in total agreement with me, he thought all along I should get a 2nd and maybe even a 3rd opinion over the next few months and not rush into it just because one dr says it's the right thing, when I feel so strongly against it.

I've used frozen pineapple from Costco in smoothies, so I imagine it freezes fine!

Hugs, Artie. I completely understand this. The only thing is, it could take you a long time to get an appointment with a new gyno, based on an experience I had. Possibly many months. Hopefully, you won't have to wait that long. Though it's good you're keeping the appointment with your regular gyno to ask questions. In case you do end up deciding to either get "the thing" or get another screening or whatever.

In my own turn of assertiveness, or at least non-people pleasing: I had a rather heavy session with Dr. T today that ended in a kind of weird place. I felt progressively worse about it after session and around 6 p.m. asked if he had anything tomorrow. He said he could do 10 am tomorrow if I felt "strongly" about it, though "Friday is better." Adding "I'm good with either call you make."

People-pleasing LT would have thought "He doesn't want to see me tomorrow. Even though I want to see him then and he offered, I will be a good girl and just wait until Friday." But I decided to read what he actually wrote and take it for what it was. He could have just not offered it at all. He explicitly said that either way was fine with him. So I took the time tomorrow. And he said he'd see me then.

I've been trying to be assertive with G about how I feel about him. I wrote him again saying that I don't feel he's engaging with me in our emails. He didn't even ask a question. Just mirroring and empathy. It's great that he seems to understand my grief, but wth do I do about it?!?! He responded interestingly... He wants me to express my anger and hatred of him to him. And for some reason, instead of just letting it all out, I was still kind and diplomatic. I'm scared of hurting him... He just comes across as delicate and kind and sensitive. I'm trying to express myself assertively, but it's hard. I wish I could just let it all out and not care. I'm still trying to protect him. From me? Idk.

I'm wearing down and lack the energy to deal with him. But I need a therapist and he's all I've got for the next 12 weeks.

It's good that you're letting him know ways that he's not being helpful. In terms of expressing anger and hate toward him--that definitely seems difficult if it's not something you're usually able to do. I'm someone who struggles with that as well. Maybe it's too soon into knowing him?

I think it would be good to talk about how you feel that you want to protect him. Maybe that's something from your past, that you learned to do that? So it's become a pattern? That could be something to explore with him maybe.

Geez who thought Henry Kissinger was even still alive?!

I didn't realize he was = and now he isn't

hey everyone! it’s been awhile since i’ve been in here.
this is me sort of replying to people; as much as i can remember!

UNA-i realized i haven’t laughed in a long time when i was laughing at your hijinx (is that a word?)

scarlet-glad to see you are back, and doing ok, despite not clicking with G. Your poor dog! I was reading it and thought it was going to not end well.
i am SO glad it has.

i know i had other things i wanted to reply to, but my brain is basically sludge at the moment. why is it when i finally start to feel some stability back in my life, does all the ***** hit the fan, just in a different way than the past 10 months? i am having lots of intense feelings and (over) reactions to things, and i feel like i am falling apart again, it’s just not physical. i say that as my pain in my feet have returned the past couple of days. which isn’t surprising, but ugh….

can't sleep... my brain won't stop... I don't know what to do about this gyno thing!! I realize what I've been doing since my gp appt on Nov 3 when he questioned the gyno's decision - instead of thinking about it for myself and researching more, every time I start to think about it, I eat, and junk I shouldn't be eating, shoving all those feelings down, and I've gained like 9 lbs in less than a month. I haven't even been talking to L about it anymore, I've been focusing on other ways in which I'm broken, and while that work is needed too, perhaps it's not where I should have been focusing right now. Ugh. I hate this. "Good little girl" Artie says just shut up and get "the Thing" like you're supposed to do but then everything else in me is like no! we don't want it! and I shove that part down with food.

I am so broken. I should just quit therapy, let the complexes completely take over, and be a good little unconscious robot with no thoughts or opinions. So the **** what.

Where's that Bob Newhart video when I need it!