Couch 246: Choose Change

Assertiveness is pretty liberating. This morning I was not in the mood for people-ing so when my sister texted asking if I was joining the family zoom call I just said "I need to take a pass this week, see y'all next week" and left it at that. I felt a fresh breeze blowing through my brain, I'm tellin' ya. Later my other sister told me I didn't miss anything. Our brother was putting on his usual show, apparently. eta: my walk did a lot more for my anxiety than watching my brother put on a show, seriously.

Proud of you, Artie!

Talked to L today. She told me two good tips for surviving this situation. 1. I'm not responsible for my safety. I AM responsible for taking one thing at a time and to use my safety plan. But it is perfectly okay to need to depend on others to keep me safe during this time. 2. I need to push through the hard times, that that is where the healing is. Ignoring or denying it not only will delay healing, but also compound/complicate things.

She is right. I need to push through and depend on G and J. It's up to them to keep me safe. I have my role and they have theirs. AND I need to show up for my sessions with G. I was planning on skipping the first few, but that won't help me. That's pushing him away, ignoring the issues, denying my need for help. Just as J and T are no longer my therapist, G also isn't. He is a support for this period of time. That's all.

I feel a lot of relief from the burden. It doesn't help the pain or grief, but it makes things more manageable. L says to remember 3 things: validate my emotions, use my skills to get in my window, and one step (or second) at a time.

This is so hard. I haven't had to suffer this much in the last 8.5 years.

9 days, 4 sessions, and one phone call left.

I love Reese's and all peanut butter products. I love miso. I love marzipan. I love marmalade. I also love non-m foods such as: melon (oh wait, no, that's an m-food); chickpeas; feta; olives; parsnips; cullen skink; Bakewell tart (almost impossible to get a good one outside of my home county Derbyshire, oh how I miss a traditional Bakewell); octopus; red cabbage; black bean burger in a brioche bun; crisps in all and any form; proper chips with too much salt and cheap malt vinegar; stovies; pistachios; pine nuts; cashew nuts; bubblegum ice cream; bubblegum; dandelion and burdock; tonic water; I will stop now because I have gravitated into beverages.

Moo, we have similar tastes! Sounds like stovies are like our michigan pasties only without the piecrust. I could live on potatoes and fish. Oh wait - i do.

I find this so hard to wrap my head around. I can't imagine thinking someone else is responsible for something as fundamental as my safety, even thinking about it makes me anxious. I don't trust anyone to look after my safety except me and it has been like this since childhood. I suppose there are situations where we hand over responsibility for our selves, like to a pilot when we fly or to the doctor when they prescribe, but ugh I find it hard to even accept those infrequent occasions. I don't know what happens to our agency if we think others are responsible for us. It is far more reassuring for me to be confident in my autonomy and control, relying on others is extremely fraught territory.

Our wedding feast will be the talk of the town for years to come.

I guess it's a relief for me because if I was the only one responsible, I honestly don't think I could keep myself safe on my own. Truly. It's way riskier to depend on myself right now than to depend on people that L trusts with my safety. Still risky. But I don't feel a loss of control. G, J, and even L don't make decisions for me. Ever. We make them together. I know the consequences of my actions, so if I harm myself, I know what G will do (i.e. call H, do a safety check). That's not taking control away from me. And even with those consequences, I can choose whether to open the front door or not.

Yeah moo, prescribing was the reason for my last flip-out. The clerk said, "not refilling" period. You mean, risking my health and happiness? I tried to stay clam, but it was there for a weekend like a stone in my shoe.

I remember sometime in my childhood vowing never to be financially dependent as i was then on my parents. I think i was pre-teen. Made having kids problematic. I had a boss at my last job who wore a purple velvet long evening gown to work. Oh, in the summer. It had a bolero jacket, so that was like a blazer, right? The idea that her nuttiness was responsible for my future made me crazy.

Yeah, so turning over my control is a no-go for me.

this is the part of Codependents Anon that i'm having such a hard time with, step 3 "made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God". i have not yet and cannot yet do it with any permanence. I have made the decision that it is needed, yes, but to actually do it? i have to do it every day, multiple times a day because I keep taking it back. And that's even shaky because half the time I don't trust myself.

I think we have very different definitions of safety, control, and so on. Minor elements like whether I open a door or such would not even register with me as an indication of where my locus of control was located. Having awareness that the consequences of my actions would prompt someone to instigate an intervention does not feel like autonomy to me as it necessarily relies on an other being involved/present/having an element of responsibility. There's something paternalistic about the situations which you describe and I know that this is reassuring for some people - indeed, the kind of socio-political state interventions which I sometimes support (like welfare or state education) are a version of this kind of action. But yes, for me, relief is found in the knowledge that if I am in control, I am safe.

... And zero judgement about you seeking something paternalistic at the moment - it makes sense given the changes in the therapeutic relationship which you are experiencing.

I'm still having so much anxiety too about this latest medical carp. My heart rate zooms up several times a day while I'm just sitting here at my desk working or while I'm sitting on the couch crocheting. This morning it hit 114 while I was just sitting here working. I ordered a fitness band thingie that I got last night, and have been we wearing today so it is now tracking my heart rate, so I can mention it to the doc on Friday when I go in about my anxiety. I pray it is only the anxiety causing it and not some new health issue. This does seem to be my year for health issues. Boo.

I'm still walking a lot every day, on every break from work and a couple of times in the evening and then one short little walk up & back my street after it gets dark. So at least that's one good thing.

Art look up ETF tapping for the anxiety. Brad Yates has a good channel on YouTube.

The Havering technique by Paul McKenna too. All just about feeling more safe in your body.

Whilst you have the Fitbit take notes too.

What time does it spike? Before or after watching the news for example ? How long to get back down? Is it a one off or multiple times a day?

the heart rate spikes seem to be completely random, I can't correlate them to anything. they come and go in seconds, just long enough for me to notice basically, then they're gone again. This didn't start until after the gyno told me I have to get The Thing. So I'm hoping it's just my anxiety over that. I don't know. I have my yearly physical coming up soon too so will address it then with primary doc if it's still happening then.

Speaking of The Thing (trigger for medical stuff)

good morning, hugs and head nods all around as needed/wanted/appropriate

Hugs back, Artie. I hope the heart issue is anxiety and nothing more serious than that. They always do an EKG at my physicals--not sure if they do for yours or it's just a thing my doctor does. But that would be a quick way to check your general heart rhythm. I'd definitely mention it and see if you might need a cardiologist referral. I had issues a couple years ago with seemingly random heart rate spikes (well, I also have anxiety, but they didn't seem triggered by a particular thought/situation). He had me do a 24-hour Holter monitor thing, which showed my rhythm as normal and gave me peace of mind.

What kind of wearable device did you get? I've used both Fitbit (a couple different models) and a Garmin.


In terms of the other medical thing

thanks LT. it's an Amazfit fitband. It had good reviews and was on sale. I have trouble with wearing normal watches, they always quit working on me, so wanted to try out a less expensive one first just in case I still can't wear stuff like that. If it keeps working well i'll likely get a better one that does more stuff.

yeah, they usually do an ekg at physicals at my doc too. i imagine he'll refer me to a cardiologist because of my age but we'll see. h had to wear one of those monitors awhile back - his turned out to be normal so he just checks in with cardiologist a couple times a year now.

And yes, actually

but it will be good to get it checked out anyway.

well work is done for another day, and I just filled up the candy bowl to be ready for the trick-or-treaters to start arriving a little later. The weather's pretty perfect for it today, so that's good. Every year I tell myself "next year I'ma wear a costume to hand out candy" but yet again, I do not have a costume oh well! The kids won't care, all they'll see is the candy haha

You could wear my giant undergotchies, that would be pretty scary.

My neighbors who do their christian duty by me brought me a york, a reeses bat (not bar, bat - i guess cuz im a girl? Lol) and a mini hersheys almond bar - 4 little rectangles with tiny almond chips.

They are going to start replacing our elevators tomorrow, for the next 6 to 12 weeks. Its gonna be like covid all over again.

I'm sorry about the elevators, Una...that really sucks.
Surely they have to make allowances for you to be able to access fresh air and the outside world?

Oh yeah, they will have at least one of the pair in each building operating at all times. The email they sent said just prepare for long wait times. And to try taking the stairs. Up 11 flights? Oh well, i did alwayz admire the Empire State bldg climber-runners!

But im reluctant as it is to use the elevators. A long wait is not gonna encourage me. Maybe i will make midnite trips.

I recommend rappelling down the side of the building, using the giant undergotchies as a parachute.

Scarlet, sending hugs to you. Know that you're loved and supported here, and you can reach out for support whenever you need it. (I know we aren't the same as L, of course.)