Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Well that was a strange session. What was at first so insanely difficult I would go as far to say impossible all of a sudden became possible. I could feel a complete shift inside. And it happened when I gave voice to the three things that have been sitting on the figurative box. I'm not saying that opening the box will be easy, but at least it doesn't feel impossible and forbidden now. It feels possible. It feels allowed. You say 'necessary' but I'm not sure I'm ready to go that far yet.

I wasn't feeling good in the waiting room. And during our entire session. But I didn't want to use your garbage again so I just pushed through it. I wasn't tired like you thought. I was just really nauseated.

Thank you for understanding why I needed clarity regarding early June now.

The fact that you are aware of the significance means a lot.

I don't know how you had that issue and then 2 minutes later were completely focused on our session the whole time. I've had therapists bring personal problems into the sessions and you just like cleared your mind very easily. Kinda impressive.

Well here I am again L. My mom's back home from hospital, but not doing too well. She refuses to drink anything but water, even though the doctor told her if she doesn't drink water mixed with electrolytes her dehydration is going to get so bad she'll be back in the hospital again. She's lost a lot of weight, my sister said, and she was already too thin to begin with. She won't eat what the doctor told her to eat, she won't go to physical therapy to try to rebuild her strength. Sis said she's still very weak. So the dr set up home health care for her which will include some physical therapy, which is supposed to start tomorrow. I haven't talked to her since she got home (she's pretty much lost her voice from being so dehydrated I guess) but from what my sister told me today, it almost sounds like she's ready to just be done with life. I don't know. On one hand, she is being a little ornery by refusing to drink electrolytes, so if she's still got fight in her, she's not ready to go yet. But, it's also kinda how I remember my Dad acting in his last few months. I'm working on preparing myself for losing her. Well as much as anyone can prepare themself to lose their remaining parent...

I didn't get a burger today and I have a feeling you'll be mad I didn't give into my cravings. Idk. I'm trying not to die in 5 years. Not sure why you are telling me to eat fast food and are hesitant about my dietciants advice.

Hi R,

When I'm in the feelings, I don't want to stay in the feelings.
Yet staying in the feelings seems to be how they move.

I've become really good at avoidance.

I know you're aware of this.

Thank you for being with me in my truth, and reminding me that nobody can tell me what I'm feeling.

See you soon,

Lost

Maybe emailing you and telling you about the "excessive working out" I did yesterday wasn't the best thing to say in my email. But theres just stuff going on

Hi R,

On some level it's an ordinary Friday.
On another level I'm thinking about Steve, and the Liturgy of the Forsaken podcast he put together for Good Friday the first year I connected with him.

On yet another level, I've just set things in motion to delete the two social media pages for previous grief-related projects.

I did what I set out to do with both of them, and then the landscape changed.

In my conversations with the helpline, we've discussed the sense that grieving is private, and mourning is public.

It's hard for me to mourn Steve, because I shouldn't effing have to.

I feel a raindrop of relief at having made the decision, but we'll still talk about it when I see you next.

Speak soon,

Lost

i find it amazing that you really turn on a dime and quickly change tactics when something isn’t working for me-even if whatever it is you were trying to do is help, and i hate it (lol), you are completely content with trying something new and different, and seem SO patient about it all. i don’t understand how you do it.

I hate you so much that I can't even bring myself to email you and tell you how much I hate you.

Mooooooo!

Hi R,

I completely underestimated the impact of this weekend.
Looks like everything I didn't feel yesterday caught up with me whilst I was watching a replay from a grief workshop series I've been engaged in this week.

One of the practitioners started singing a chant that I usually love.

I opened my mouth to join in, and then began to cry.

Griefquake out of nowhere.

Dear T,

I wanted to tell you about the whole dream, not just the last part. Maybe I'll share Wednesday....I'll think about it.


Love,
LT

Hi R,

It's been a really rough week.
I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.
As someone who prefers not to cry...this has knocked me out.

Speak soon,

Lost

It’s so hard to get a grip on reality. Have I always looked this old? Did it just happen over night? Can I do anything to fix it? I hate it. I see my mother when I look in the mirror and it’s wrecking my head.

Dear T,

I hate how I feel so rejected that you have no availability tomorrow. I was able to talk to a friend about this, so that helped.

I've typed a couple email drafts to you, but am trying to leave them as drafts. I'm unsure what I want from you in a response (or what I could realistically get), and I feel like emailing without knowing that is a futile act. Not that I haven't done that before!

Love,
LT

It's a long time since I have been this angry and with such consuming energy. I absolutely hate you. We must be close to something.

Dear T,

Now I sort of wish I'd emailed. Just still in a bit of a "beating myself up" and self-loathing mode. But maybe you wouldn't have sent a helpful response, and I'd have felt worse or at least let down.

Oh well--I'll manage.


Love,
LT

Hi R,

Thank you for reminding me that I can ask for help when the inner weather gets especially scary.

I give myself permission to ask for the support that I need.

Speak soon,

Lost

i feel so much shame in finding so much help in chatgpt the past couple of days. i am not sure i could tell you.

Hi R,

After one normal day, the saga continues.
I have gone straight into that fear space, which manifests outwardly as anger.

I'm wondering whether my anger might actually be a form of fear.

Since Steve died, I feel as though I've lived with a constant sense of unease.

'When are you making decisions out of fear?'

Most of the time, to be completely honest about it.

I find myself constantly guarding my capacity in a way that feels stupid.

I'm young, I shouldn't think in terms of being able to do one Thing a day.

Speak soon,

Lost

Dear H,

Thank you for your patience with me when I wept through our 'conversation' this afternoon.

This morning's griefquake touched a nerve, evidently.

Take care,

Lost

Dear T,

The thing you said about even if I do things that are annoying sometimes, it doesn't mean I'm not lovable and deserving of love really affected me. I think that's why I didn't feel the need to discuss last session for longer than we did (you seemed surprised at the end that we didn't spend more time on it, but I felt awkward saying that statement was part of why--maybe I'll share Monday). I think just your seeming caring in general helped. And your admitting again that you'd likely gone too far with some of the examples last session.

Love,
LT