[lauren_helene]

I am applying the trigger icon for those who are attached to their T's, if you are feeling sensitive about that right now, you might want to exit this thread.

I am still reeling from tonight's session. I just can't make sense of this yet.

I started the session with finally letting T read the one fantasy about him and I that I wrote down back in 2006. I know it is based on the erotic transference so that isn't the issue.

He read it and we talked about how really it is about me wanting a connection with a guy in a way that I don't have with my husband right now. Okay, fine so far...

Somehow we get back on to the we won't be friends after therapy topic. This started last session because I've been thinking about the end of therapy and how we won't see each other again. I have no idea why I started this conversation last week, it isn't because I am doing better and feel therapy should end. There is some other reason I'm not getting right now.

So then I can feel tension building in me and I'm mad because he says we have a therapeutic friendship but what the heck does that mean? Here is my all or nothing thinking kicking in but we are either friends, or we aren't. If we are, then once I am healed (down the line of course) I can't see why the friendship needs to end forever.

So he's making his case and asking me if I understand why things have to be the way they are right now and then I said "fine when the time comes, I'll drop you don't worry". It all went down hill from there.

Last session he asked me if I liked him too much. Well, that is what I always hear from men so I expected him to say that eventually. I went into this again and how I don't beg anyone to be friends with me (yeah like he believes that now) and I don't want to be vulnerable to him anymore.

I said I usually pull back when I feel a guy or him for that matter pull back. Then I drop them and that is it. He asked me if that is painful and I said at first, but I always get over it. I told him that I just can't end our relationship the right way, I can't do it. Gradual tapering off of sessions and then this big good bye.

Inside I was getting more and more torn up (the session was almost over too) and I brought this all on myself! Then he said he hoped that I didn't end things like this and he was sorry he disappointed me. That was all he needed to say...then I had the meltdown and started crying...how embarrassing.

The rest is fuzzy but he talked about how perhaps I love too much then start pushing men away and then that is what happens, they go away and I'm left hurting or something like that. An abandonment/rejection sort of thing.

I guess this is the borderline in me (my words). I started to see what he was saying and understand what I was doing tonight. Luckily I apologized for being mean to him because really I do feel close to him and don't want him to go away.

I forget exactly what he said but it helped me somehow. He said something about enjoy our relationship now and laugh now with him, my husband and other in my life rather than focus on the end etc.

I had only planned tonight to finally try and go deeper and have him read the damn fantasy...the rest of what happened just seems unreal to me right now.

Who was I tonight?? Certainly not what he or anyone would want to be friends with...why do I torture myself like this?

[sunrise]

What a session.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
almeda24fan said:
Somehow we get back on to the we won't be friends after therapy topic. This started last session because I've been thinking about the end of therapy and how we won't see each other again. I have no idea why I started this conversation last week, it isn't because I am doing better and feel therapy should end. There is some other reason I'm not getting right now.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
It sounds from this post that you are preparing yourself for the end. Bringing this topic up is preparation. You're practicing how it might happen. Yet it also sounds like you don't want to follow your same old patterns--abruptedly leaving a relationship so you don't get hurt--but it's hard not to. You're giving T signs you are heading toward this. Could it be a cry for help to him to please help you not do it this way again? To help you maintain the relationship and to end it "properly" when the right time comes.?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I just can't end our relationship the right way, I can't do it. Gradual tapering off of sessions and then this big good bye.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That sounds so very painful to me too.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
how embarrassing.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I hear ya, almedafan.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Luckily I apologized for being mean to him because really I do feel close to him and don't want him to go away.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I am glad that made you feel better. As you've seen in my thread, I am struggling with whether an apology is the right thing to do. I wasn't mean to my T, so it's different. But kind of the same.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He said something about enjoy our relationship now and laugh now with him, my husband and other in my life rather than focus on the end etc.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I really agree with that view.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Who was I tonight?? Certainly not what he or anyone would want to be friends with...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">A poem I love addresses just this question. For me, according to the poem, I was the wild hog. Maybe you had a little of that too.

[Mouse_]

Almeda, Yes a very good session if not slightly painful. What i was feeling as I read it was my own pain and frustration too. That wanting something so very much but knowing we will never get it totally, never be merged with it completely, never ever be in that place of total unity again, alas what we are feeling is the pain of what we as humanbeings all have and that is "freedom from", though it should be beautfiul it is also painful a very paradoxical feeling. the only hope you can have is that when the time to end therapy comes, you will be in a place where freedom doesn't appear such a threat.

((((((((((Almeda)))))))))))))
I could have written this post a few months ago! I went through and am still going through the same thing. You might have read this, but here is a quote from an email that my T wrote me about the same thing we are experiencing:

<font color="green"> In regards to your present struggle, I'd have you recognize that this may prove the most essential part of the work you have to do - to tolerate, explore, and ultimately accept that tension between becoming absolutely attached and rejecting/fleeing. Realize that there really is nothing remarkable going on around you at this moment, so the suffering you're feeling is a pure reflection of that dynamic. Breath, be still, and realize that there really is nothing you have to do right now to be ok. </font>

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
So then I can feel tension building in me and I'm mad because he says we have a therapeutic friendship but what the heck does that mean? Here is my all or nothing thinking kicking in but we are either friends, or we aren't. If we are, then once I am healed (down the line of course) I can't see why the friendship needs to end forever.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I know EXACTLY how you feel. It feels devastating I know. I told my T that I wanted him to be my friend so he could be with me forever. He said that he wouldn't lie to hurt my feelings. I felt so rejected. He said that it could never be because he would always be the one in power. Ughhhhhh. It's excruciating, devastating, I know.

I have an emptiness inside of me and he tells me that he cannot fill it, that only I can. Know that it does get better, although it may take awhile. I still go back and forth between devastation and being okay. Hopefully that will get better

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I brought this all on myself!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Maybe so, but it would have come up sooner or later. It has to be dealt with. YOU CAN DO THIS! We'll do it together. PM me if you need to.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Who was I tonight??

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You were a person who was hurt and angry because in a sense your T rejected you. I know it had to be done, but it still feels like rejection. My anger took a couple of months to dissipate (still lingers) and we had to work through it. It was difficult work, but I'm told that this is very healthy. This means you are getting better, even though it doesn't feel that way.

Take care of yourself, Almeda. I know exactly how you feel, exactly what you are going through. PM me anytime! Love ya'

Soliaree

why wouldnt someone want to be friends with person who was open honest vulnerable and human. I think its very appealing.

[lauren_helene]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Soliaree said:
<font color="green"> In regards to your present struggle, I'd have you recognize that this may prove the most essential part of the work you have to do - to tolerate, explore, and ultimately accept that tension between becoming absolutely attached and rejecting/fleeing. Realize that there really is nothing remarkable going on around you at this moment, so the suffering you're feeling is a pure reflection of that dynamic. Breath, be still, and realize that there really is nothing you have to do right now to be ok. </font>

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I really like what he said to you. I will keep this paragraph thanks for sharing it with me.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Soliaree said:
He said that he wouldn't lie to hurt my feelings. I felt so rejected. He said that it could never be because he would always be the one in power. Ughhhhhh. It's excruciating, devastating, I know.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is sort of what my T said regarding the power differential. He made a point to tell me that we are friends and that he does like me. I just need to put that into perspective. We are therapy friends.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Soliaree said:
I have an emptiness inside of me and he tells me that he cannot fill it, that only I can. Know that it does get better, although it may take awhile. I still go back and forth between devastation and being okay. Hopefully that will get better

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is the most painful process. I truly do love my T as a friend and it isn't transference. The erotic feelings, that is the unhealthy transference. I believe the closeness I feel towards him is genuine and real. He did agree with that and said we do have a genuine relationship...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Soliaree said:
You were a person who was hurt and angry because in a sense your T rejected you. I know it had to be done, but it still feels like rejection.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

We talked about this. He said do you think I am rejecting you? And I said of course you are by saying 'gee, I wish we could be friends but blah blah blah.

Thank you so much for caring, love ya too

[lauren_helene]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
It sounds from this post that you are preparing yourself for the end. Bringing this topic up is preparation. You're practicing how it might happen.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You know, I think you are right Sunny perhaps I did want a dry run or perhaps I pushed him away to see if he'd still be there? He is still there.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
Yet it also sounds like you don't want to follow your same old patterns--abruptedly leaving a relationship so you don't get hurt--but it's hard not to.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You are right. No I don't want to repeat the old patterns but I don't want to lose his friendship either. I guess I want it all don't I? I told him last night that he can't have me both way. I can't be vulnerable and then know at the end it is bye bye.

I need to think about that statement more...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
That sounds so very painful to me too.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Oh believe me it is. I even said to myself 'oh great' meaning what a week it is going to be until next session.

I can feel the past pulling at me. Part of me does want to kick him to the curb. That is my pattern. I want him to hurt and feel the loss of my friendship. I should realize though that it won't hurt him, it will hurt me. He'll go on and I won't.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
[b]sunrise said:[/b I am glad that made you feel better. As you've seen in my thread, I am struggling with whether an apology is the right thing to do. I wasn't mean to my T, so it's different. But kind of the same.].

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm glad I did and I asked him if he was mad at me and as usual he said no. I needed that closure but part of me still wants him to call and see if I'm okay...I know he won't though. I wish he would at least once...

[lauren_helene]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mouse_ said:
the only hope you can have is that when the time to end therapy comes, you will be in a place where freedom doesn't appear such a threat.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I hope so Mouse. I hope I don't run from him and this process before it has a chance to really work. I can feel the need to run right now. Run far away

[lauren_helene]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
esthersvirtue said:
why wouldnt someone want to be friends with person who was open honest vulnerable and human. I think its very appealing.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thank you for saying that Esther. I did let my guard down that is for sure.

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
esthersvirtue said:
why wouldnt someone want to be friends with person who was open honest vulnerable and human. I think its very appealing.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

EV I found this statement interesting. I find these qualities appealing in others but for some reason appalling when applied to myself.

Sorry, this comment just stuck out to me.

[(JD)]

(((hugs))) "Therapeutic relationship" is different, you know that. It isn't friendship, the T isn't your brother/sister, mother/father, best friend... none of those and yet... somehow... can be all of those? Your T must always be your T for you. You envision building up to say goodbye and then that's that...but why? You can always return. If you need to you will. Your T will be there, not as a friend, but as YOUR T. That's right where he needs to be for you, it's better that way.

[MissCharlotte]

(((Almeda)))

I completely understand your dilemma. As you know I have been sorting out the fine points of my relationship with T as well. (Are we all dong this?) Knowing/accepting boundaries--arggghhhhh.

In the for what it's worth category it sounds like you did achieve your goal of reading him the fantasy and going deeper--it's just that the deeper portion wasn't what you expected.

I don't understand either--why--if the end game is to separate--the goal now is to engage wholly and fully. WTF is that?

Yeah, everyone says it's not a friendship but then it feels like a cruel hoax at times, particularly if you have issues of love being given and pulled away.

((((((((almeda))))))))))

Peace

[lauren_helene]

Thanks Charlotte, I am still struggling with all of this. Part of me just wants to walk away from all of this...and him.