Here is why I hate the phone

Here is why I hate the phone...

I called the child specialist (a therapist) working with my girls yesterday because I wanted some parenting advice. (Any time she spends on our family is deducted from the retainer we gave her.) My youngest daughter ran away yesterday morning. She is back, but I really need some guidance on how to handle this. (As you can imagine, yesterday was not a good day!) So I called the specialist yesterday morning. She has not called back.

For me, I don't call unless I really, really need it. So to not be responded to when I am in a situation like that is really hard. If I was calling someone about the new drapes I had ordered, or the photos I needed to drop off for refinishing, this would not be an issue. They would call back in a day or two--big deal. But when I call a therapist because I need help right that moment or at least later that day, it is awful to not get a call back for a few days, as if it is drapes or something.

This is not drapes!

Now here is what I think a totally new twist to phone contact. Children
I think anyone whose practice involves treating children, should acknowledge that it is not a 9-5 job and that they have some additional responsibilities to their patients. Maybe they should be allow to charge extra fees, have lower patient loads, whatever. But they need to be available in a timely manner. Days does not cut it in my book.

That's horrible that she couldn't call you back yesterday when you really wanted to talk to her. Do you have a direct number and get her voice mail, etc.? I would have called her back or called her office instead in a few hours if I hadn't heard from her, find out what the problem might be with the callback. I would have gotten slightly miffed with someone for sure :-)

I agree McKell

She just called me back. We talked for over an hour. She was soooooooo helpful. She told me she was out of town and called me back as soon as she got my message. She was very supportive and had some really good ideas about how to handle the situation with my daughter. I guess sometimes people are just not available to check their messages, and I need a little more patience. But it's still hard when they don't call back right away....

Sunrise, I'm glad she was helpful. I think I need a child specialist. My 10 year old had a COMPLETE meltdown over a bad haircut this week. I'm glad however that I was the one to ineffectively handle this one and not my husband.

((Sunny))

I remember recently when you got angry at T and wanted to hold on to your anger. Well, it's okay to be angry that this woman didn't call you back right away too. After all, it is YOUR CHILD you are worrying about!

And when it comes to our children it's even more than okay to lose patience with professionals we have engaged to help us to help them.

It seems like you are such a caring mom. I hope your daughter is better and glad she came home. I have only sons so the drama was a bit less for me.

Be well.

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mckell13 said:
I think I need a child specialist.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It really is wonderful to have her. I am sorry we must part ways once the divorce is over. She told me she could refer me to a family therapist for similar services at the end. Not sure if I could bear to take yet another person into the fold.

Thanks, MissCharlotte. I feel better indeed that she called. I did not think I was angry at her, but I am not the most in-touch-with-my-feelings person. She called as soon as she was able and I got the advice I needed. You did say something that caught my attention:
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MissCharlotte said:
I remember recently when you got angry at T and wanted to hold on to your anger.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">No, I was not angry at my T. Last week at my session, I expressed a tremendous amount of anger in session, but it was not directed at my T, but at other people and at life events. For a while after my session, I felt I should apologize to T for my angry behavior (it's highly embarrassing to me to act that way!), but I did not give in to this impulse, as my adult self felt I had the right to express anger in his presence--it was the child in me who was feeling embarrassed and needed reassurance. I am glad I stuck to my guns! Anger is hard for me. At my most recent session a few days ago, when T and I were riding the elevator up to his office together, he said something like, "I was really worried about you after you left last time." I said, "yeah, I really dropped a lot of stuff when I was here." But I did not apologize! He said, "that's what I am there for." Then the elevator came to a stop and he turned to walk out, but the door did not open, and he bonked right into the door. That seems like the sort of doofus thing I would do! So much for intense elevator convos... WARNING: do not do therapy in an elevator!

Yes, thank you, my daughter is doing better!

Hey guys , before I post my question, I want to add that I am in weekly therapy & have a VERY troubled daughter. I totally understand the fear, frustration and need to get help & questions answered quickly and effeciently.

My question is....does anybody feel that our (patients & parent of)expectations are getting too high & impractical since the advent of cell-phones & e-mail? Therapists don't have more time or energy due to these inventions. Are we being impractical & impatient to the point of being unrealistic? I do NOT have an answer for this question. I just can't help wondring if we are expecting what is not possible......thoughts?

tulips

Um, yes I am going to stick my neck out here. And I am one of those who has struggled with a need for response. But I'll have to agree with Tulips, to a degree. Technology has burdened everyone to respond quickly to everything. It just can't be done every second especially in therapy when the quality of the response is so important.

Without going into too much detail, one of the things that confused me about my relationship with T is that he gave me too many phone numbers; home, cell, office. I was unable to figure out when to use which, so I didn't. I am most comfortable jut leaving a message on his office phone. I do expect him to return the call if I need him to. I never traded e-mails and would not want to communicate with him this way. For me, it would dilute the relationship. What T and I were able to figure out was that we needed to define when I really needed a return call. We figured out that often I just needed him to acknowledge my message with a return message. It works for us, giving me the degree of validation and holding environment I need.

Having said all of that: If my child was in therapy and ran away I would expect the child therapist to call me back asap. I would also use my T as a source for brainstorming what to do.

Sunny is the mother lioness and I hear her roar most appropriately!!

I am so glad daughter is better and safe at home. What a worry.

Speaking for myself, I don't feel my expectations are that high. With my own therapist, I have never called him for phone therapy or advice, only to change appointment times. (And he often doesn't return those calls, so I am negatively reinforced for my behavior.) With the child specialist, I have never called her for advice before this crisis time, only to make appointments, etc. We have exchanged only brief, informational emails. I am not a "needy" client in the sense of being demanding outside of session, expecting phone support immediately or at all, etc. So the answer for me is no, I do not feel cell phones and email have anything to do with my situation. For me, I felt very desperate and not sure who to turn to when my daughter ran away. My own T had told me in our last session that for parenting concerns, I needed to consult the child specialist, so I did, when trouble arose. When she did not respond (for about 32 hours), I felt really let down, like I tried to do this "right" and call the child specialist for this important parenting concern, but it did not work. I was trying to think, what is my plan B? Just because the specialist did not respond, did not mean I could sit around and do nothing. I still needed help with this, and felt let down the most obvious source of support had not come through, but what should I do next? That was my mindset. I really do not feel the expectations I have of any of the professionals I work with is too high. If anything, it's too low.

I hope my post didn't indicate that I thought anyone's expectations were too high on this thread.

I don't believe my expectations were too high at all. Nor do I think Sunny's were.

I was trying to explain how I felt about our general expectations for immediate response in an age of instant technology.

Yes, MissCharlotte, very good point you raise too. I remember a writer talking about how she had her computer, laptop from her work and how fast it was, cutting edge, etc. and one weekend she had to go home and use her mother's old desktop and it took a whole minute to boot and that made her feel like it was "slow" until she thought about it?

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MissCharlotte said:
I hope my post didn't indicate that I thought anyone's expectations were too high on this thread.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Oh, no, not at all, MissCharlotte. I was just giving my answer to tulips' question: "My question is....does anybody feel that our (patients & parent of)expectations are getting too high & impractical since the advent of cell-phones & e-mail? " My expectations are not too high and they have nothing to do with email and cell phones.

I'm sorry if anybody thought I was suggesting that their expectations were too high. I kind of anticipated this reaction, but hoped that by telling you I was a patient as well as a parent of a troubled child, people would understand that I was not pointing a finger. Rather, I was questioning my OWN reactions and expectations at times.

My daughter is a heroin addict and has been addicted to drugs since the age of 14. I have had MANY panicked, anxiety ridden days in my life where I have paced holes in the carpet waiting for THE phone call. She is now 22 and still lives with us. Every single day of my life has the potential for a life-threatening event.

It would NEVER occur to me to suggest that another mother was over-reacting etc. Anybody that felt that way has my apology. My question & it WAS a question, was more something that has come to my own mind at times of crises. Am I being unrealistic because I am so used to things happening immediately? Would I have been so angry and impatient before the changes in technology? We have all become so used to having immediate responses due to e-mail, faxes and cell phones. I guess I just don't know where the line of what is truly reasonable and what is not falls anymore. I was just wondering if anyone else has thought about this.

(((Sunny))), I have been in your exact same situation several times. My mother instincts ALWAYS come first. This is how it should be. This is how mothers are wired to be. For good reason. I am very grateful that your daughter is fine and home safe. We are our children's protecters, voices & advocates. Technology will never replace this.....

tulips

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tulips30 said:
I'm sorry if anybody thought I was suggesting that their expectations were too high.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">No, no, absolutely not! tulips, you asked a question, and I answered it for me. Other people may indeed feel their expectations are too high. I am such an undemanding client (outside of session, at least ) with virtually no phone calls, vast patience for unanswered calls, etc., that I know my expectations are not too high for the professionals in my life. Other people may have different answers and believe themselves to have unrealistic expectations. But I assumed you wanted us to answer for ourselves, not others! Good question.

(Sunny) Thanks for responding to my post. I am so cautious about how other's respond to, or interpret my posts. When people write things, they have the potential to be interpreted in ways that probably wouldn't happen if talking face to face. Smilies help, but don't always solve the problem.

I have read enough of your posts over the months to know that you are not somebody I would expect to be too demanding etc. You seem down to earth and intelligent. I would have felt bad if you thought I had tried to criticize you for being a worried, caring mom. I hate the phone too for exactly the reasons you stated plus a few.

Because I have been in similar situations as a mom, I have wondered when I am "going crazy" waiting, if my expectations for quick help/advice were warranted. Until you've been a parent, you can't know how scary those times are.

To be honest, I have marveled at your patience & understanding these past few months with the different roles of your t. & all the elements you have had to keep straight. I am actually a "sunny admirer"

tulips

Thanks, tulips.