im not having any romantic or erotic transference... but recently i have been hit with this intensity of feeling that i am struggling with. A lot of it is prolly the whole hormone soup i am sitting in..

i KNOW he cares... i know he does... as hard as it is to comprehend and accept, i know he does. i dont have expectations beyond what is appropriate, but he pours himself into this.. he spent an hour and a half with me the other day... he doesnt come out and say emotionally charged things often, but he does say them sometimes, and he is very open if i ask him.

i can SEE that he is doing all this wonderful stuff and really BEING there for me... even through all the turmoil.

but i have been struck by this intense feeling lately.... that either he does not care, or that he will pull back. i'm not afraid of him leaving me, it's more a fear of rejection. i feel compelled to talk to him, to convince him i am doing better, convince him i am worth the effort... it's maddening

i dont understand this.... i can see that the feeling cannot be trusted.. any ideas?

[Lenny]

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MzJelloFluff said:
to convince him i am doing better, convince him i am worth the effort... .. i can see that the feeling cannot be trusted..

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The fact that you are not trusting this feeling and see the holes in it..is a sure sign of progress Mzjello.

You are certainly worth the effort...you know this.

And once you know that you are making progress,,which you should because you are,,then his opinion will lessen in value and his help will paradoxically increase in value.

It is not what he thinks that makes a differeence,,it is what you think and feel.

IMHO.

Lenny

[Kiya]

"but i have been struck by this intense feeling lately.... that either he does not care, or that he will pull back. i'm not afraid of him leaving me, it's more a fear of rejection. i feel compelled to talk to him, to convince him i am doing better, convince him i am worth the effort... it's maddening"

Jello, that is where i am at with my MD. Like she is pulling away from me and expects me to be better than I am ... so i find myself not giving her updates, only telling her things that say i am getting better so that she will not give up on me and send me away. I'm afraid if i hav enot made enough progress she will (not leave) but not be as close, not as caring.. like giving up on the surface while still attempting to care. I agree that this thought process cannot be trusted. T tells me MD cares and will not just leave me stranded. Yet the other is easier to believe.

it's easier because it's what i know.. it's my experience.. it is the rotten, crumbled and ineffectual foundation that i am operating from, the one we need to replace and rebuild.

and you know what? it %#@&#! hurts

having to turn and look and see what is broken or just plain missing, the gaps and cracks in the foundation.. and how or why they are that way... hurts hurts hurts

lenny, T says same thing about progress.. that i am learning not to trust certain feelings... he says i am doing more than i think i am. Thanks for saying so But being "worth it?" No.. that is a concept i apply to others without hesitation, but not to me

i dont ever want his opinion to matter less... but i want what i do with it to affect me less. If that makes sense. i will always want his approval, but i want to get to where not having it will not cause mental collapse... would still have weight, but not veto.

today i am feeling a lot better, i wrote out stuff, listened to the voicemails, talked myself through some as best i could... and slept properly. NEVER underestimate the power of sleep. i suffered through this more than is acceptable to me.. i need my focus and belief in myself right now... 2 wks to the end of term... and then flung out into space. Being a contemporary visual artist in the real art world is a difficult job

anyone got any confidence for sale? cheap or lease?

[MissCharlotte]

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i can see that the feeling cannot be trusted..

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I think your answer lies in this statement Jello. Trust your feelings, and see where they might fit. Maybe it's an old feeling? Sometimes T will ask me if something feels familiar, and then I explore it and realize it's something I've been struggling with forever. So, rather than mistrust yourself, go with it and see where it brings you.

Which part of yourself is feeling left out of the equation?

Peace

can you talk to him about how you feel that sometimes... and about when you felt that before...

?

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((((mz fluff)))))))))))))))

but T said to not trust the feeling... when i feel like he doesn't care, i'm supposed to challenge it, not just trust it

yeah alex... that is what we are doing... trying to unravel just where/when/how a set of dysfunctional feelings began and how they created the schema that is currently activated... something about me, him, the process.. something has activated a powerful rejection schema... i'm supposed to challenge it with the concrete, try to figure out what the exact thoughts and feelings are, then try to unravel just when were the other times i felt that way. Big job. i am SO far away from all of that yet.

he is very good with this... he is not thrilled when i dont perceive the real issue and blame him for something.. that has gotten a little old and i agree... but im not doing that so much. i see that my strong rxns are from my own schema set and not anything he is doing. Not that he never does anything to warrant some frustration.

i feel such a strong pull to call him... it's ridiculous.. i feel like an addict.

i dunno... is it wrong to want to hear the voice of someone who cares about you? esp when that someone knows you in a way no one else has and STILL cares and likes you?

[Lemon]

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MzJelloFluff said:
is it wrong to want to hear the voice of someone who cares about you? esp when that someone knows you in a way no one else has and STILL cares and likes you?

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No, I don't think it is wrong. I think it is probably really natural. I know that sometimes when I talk to my ex-H it feels really good and comfortable because we know each other so well. That said, from what you've posted in other threads, your H has done some hurtful things and your T wants to be the one to be there for you right now. I suppose we both should be working on finding other people in our lives to provide support, but that is so hard....

definitely hard... one of the reasons i decided to do something long term in therapy was to solve that. i mean, not getting very close with people wasn't working, obviously. i have long term friendships, one for over 30yrs, but none of them live close to me. Even with those friends i tend to compartmentalize more than i think is good.. meaning they get what they want or need but i end up feeling like i dont get to be fully me. i believe people wont stay or will treat me badly if they got to know the real, whole me. i want to fix that belief.. i want to work on the things which gave me that belief.

i want... even though it seems like drinking poison... i want to actually like myself, even a little. i want to try to accept myself... that over-the-top, flamboyant, outrageous side, and the deep thinking, compassionate, quiet side... and all the good and ugly in between.

[Perna]

I got a rare gift in a comment my husband made when I'd said something silly/"wrong" and we were laughing about it; I was going on about how I knew he wasn't laughing at me, he was laughing with me but he immediately corrected that and said he wasn't laughing at or with me, he was enjoying me. That made all the difference to me in the world and from then on I could see that other people enjoy my "over-the-top, flamboyant, outrageous side, and the deep thinking, compassionate, quiet side... and all the good and ugly in between" so why shouldn't I?

You see your T making this effort, caring, etc. so why not just accept it instead of fighting against it. You're worth it or he wouldn't waste his time or, he's crazy :-) It can't be both ways. If you can make that shift where you see what other people keep seeing/telling you, etc. then it gets much easier.

I think the intense feeling that your T is going to "leave"/quit with you, reject and push you away is your trying to push your own self away? If you're worth it, if it's that easy, the heel of your hand banging against your forehead with the Oh! Duh! realization will be the nicest you'll feel. I felt like I'd wasted a lot of time but the nice feelings that come too are well worth it. Having a self you enjoy talking with and being with and making jokes with and can rely on, is almost as good as having an Other.

[chaotic13]

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Jello said:
i want... even though it seems like drinking poison... i want to actually like myself, even a little. i want to try to accept myself.

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I am trying to get to this point too. It is great that your T is continually providing the concrete evidence you need to challenge your mistrusting thought pattern. I'm getting pretty good at the challenging my dysfunctional feelings, but not so good at the unraveling part, maybe because there is nothing to really unravel.