Attached? What do you mean?

I see so many people say "I am attached to T."

What exactly do you mean?

dependent on them
can't live without them
think about them all the time
dream about them
wish to be with them
don't want to leave them
afraid they will leave you
want to be by their side all the time
look forward to seeing them
cry as soon as its time to leave
google them and try to find out stuff about their personal lives
if you have a pic, stare at it for hours and imagine you are with them
save their voicemails/emails and listen/read them over and over
cry at night because you want them to hold you

just off the top of my head...

I cannot imagine my life without him. He is a huge part of my life in regards to support, understanding, creativity, thought, emotion, love, hate, dependency, empathy, intimacy, my darkest moments, and my funniest and most playful times.

The best part?

T told me, "The attachment is mutual."

* that i feel i can connect emotionally with him, or that it is possible some of the time...
* i actually want to see him and talk to him, again, most of the time
*i want him to like me, i want him to respect me and yeah, i want his approval
* i don't want to consider him being removed from my life, especially not suddenly
* i actually want to get closer, which is tres unusual for me
* i like to bring him little things because it tickles me to see him smile... and for me, that last point is kind of big... i dont think he even understands how big of a risk it feels like to me.

i dont think it means the same thing to anyone really. Right now i am dependent on him in ways i wish i were not, in ways i am glad i am and in ways which may not even be healthy. Getting close has meant the wake from his movements rock my own boat, you know?

I think it does mean different things to different people. I would never allow myself to become dependent on a T. I would quit and find another if I thought it was going that way.

However feeling trust and desire to express myself, is an attachment I like

For me, being attached means that T and I have a close bond. And we can often connect with each other in quite an intimate way. I trust him. He "gets me" and that makes us even closer. We know each other so well that we can talk in a kind of shorthand. All this makes me feel attached. It's actually a great feeling, very warm and comforting and secure.

You know how little ducklings will imprint on whatever walks by them during a critical time after they hatch? And then they follow that animal (usually the mama duck) or object anywhere? I kind of feel like that with my T, that I am imprinted to him, and maybe that is part of the attachment. There almost feels something biological about it all.

Usually there is always some degree of attachment/dependency when trust is involved.

And it is good to depend on your therapist for some things. I haven't read enough about dependency to really have an opinion on it.

I do think that it would make the termination of therapy more difficult and that should be a major concern of any therapist.

For me, it's complicated to define.
It means that I trust her with me- with my littles, with my memories, with my secrets. That I am letting her connect to the most vulnerable parts of me and that I can very clearly feel that connection. I picture it like a flow of electricity connecting us together and pulling us close to eachother.
It's this feeling of - hold me and please don't let me go, it would hurt too much.
Here's my heart, so fragile and barely together, please don't break it.
I need you to remain a part of my life, somehow and in some way, and I wish I could be a part of your life, somehow and in some way.
A safe bond, one I never got through the mother/daughter relationship. An unconditional relationship. A relationship and love like no other, really.

For me attachment to T means that:

<ul type="square">
[*]I ruminate about everything he says [*]I want him to understand me no matter what and I try over and over to get him to get me because his attunement is worth it.[*]he tries the same because he knows how important it is for both of us and lets me know[*]I adore him[*]I trust his judgement[*]I FEEL SAFE IN HIS PRESENCE[*]I have fantasies about him holding me[*]I never, ever miss an appointment[*]I feel lost when he is away[*]I think about him all throughout my day[*]I am healthier because of our relationship[*]I write to him and about him[*]He cares about me[*]He cares about my family[*]He cares about all of me
[/list]
Sheesh, I could go on and on forever.

Peace

i just emailed my t about the changes my MD is creating. I told t that I am glad she is apart of my healing. She wrote back "I am glad you are able to explain and express your growing trust." that's the first i've ever heard her talk about trust. just giving it time to build i bet.

I think I am attached to T - he says it's a "young" (new) attachment.

For me:
I long to be with him
I miss him when we are apart
I am willing to let him see the most vulnerable parts of me
I trust that he won't hurt me
I feel safe and loved in his presence

It's an almost painful feeling for me - very tender and vulnerable. It's something I didn't have growing up...someone who makes me feel safe and loved. We go back and forth and back and forth - my fear of letting myself be that vulnerable makes me pull back and put up walls, just as my default. And then he reaches out again and shows me that he is real, and that I can trust him, and the attachment comes back. It feels good and bad at the same time...but it feels like what I NEED, and I'm grateful that he is so solid and loving and patient and that as an adult, I'm finally getting something I've always needed, way way deep down.

Attachment to T:

Idealizing him

Wishing he were a part of my family

Accepting the fact that the timer is NOT going away, DING.
And still going back.

Never missing a session. Ding.

Being absolutely devastated when he says that he is not attached to me and never will be.

Being devastated when he gets angry at me and tells me so.

Being devastated when he takes back the hippo. Ding.

Lessens the chance of termination to zero, which helps one get better(hopefully).

As the therapeutic relationships grows and changes, the attachment is supposed to lessen, although I don't believe it.
It can't be true.

Totally enjoying your 50 minutes.

Totally despising when your 50 minutes is up. Ding.

Asking more and more questions as you leave in order to extend the 50 minutes. Or, acting like you're looking in your purse for something for a few minutes before you get up and leave. Double Ding.

Relying on your T for his acceptance, empathy, and heavily depending on his advice.

Feeling desperate and needy and being at the mercy of your T.

Including quotes from your T in your signature line.

including hippos in your usr pic =)

I have no emotional attachment to my therapist

I just want to have sex with her and she knows that

I have a hard time understanding some of the people on here and their "attachments"....then again im a male and most of these people I refer to are women who are more inclined to the Freudian concept of transference....

do I think about her?....yes
have i done internet searches?....yes

but emotionally I dont need her..........im learning to rely on myself and my own "thing"

Brian, I don't think the attachment is necessarily a function of Freudian transference. My T and I don't practice Freudian style psychotherapy yet I am totally attached to him. (We do therapy in the humanistic psychology model.) I wonder is your sexual desire for your T a form of attachment? I cannot imagine being attached to my T without the emotional component, but hey, everyone is different, and maybe this is what "attachment" looks like for you.

so what are you going to do when therapy ends?

you know one day it will.............

your T is not your friend and never will be.....inside the walls of his office you may feel that, but at some point your brain must accept him/her for who they are.....just therapists with family and friends and lives of their own far beyond the file they keep in their drawer loaded with all our "stuff"

and yes my sexual desire is a form of attachment, but she makes it real clear that it aint gonna happen, so I can de-tach myself from that
desire so to speak

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Brian37 said:
so what are you going to do when therapy ends?... your T is not your friend

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Brian, I am healthily and strongly attached to my therapist. I am not obsessed, although there was a time earlier in our relationship when I was feeling a bit over the top. But we have settled into such a comfortable and intimate relationship. It's wonderful. You mentioned about being friends--I wonder, is that what you want? I have heard that some people in therapy want that. For me, I am not my T's friend outside of his office and I don't want to be. I am not his lover and don't want to be. I want him to be my therapist only, just like he is. It's perfect. Yes, termination will be hard, but we will work through it and take the time it deserves. My T has told me that when we are done with therapy I can still come back and see him if I need to for future issues or just for an occasional "tune-up" so I know that termination doesn't mean it's completely over. After therapy, I will continue to apply what I am learning in therapy about forming healthy attachments and bonds to other people in my life--friends, family, lovers. (I still have so far to go.) This can be such a great value of therapy--through the healthy attachment to and relationship with your T, you can learn how to do that in all of your relationships. I wish that for you too.

Brian,
Please note before you read this that this is written with major sarcasm meant to light up a gloomy situation. The questions you ask are good ones, and they are the problems many of us face. We are aware that we face these things, though, but have difficulty moving past them.

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so what are you going to do when therapy ends?

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Huh? My T isn't retiring for another 15 years. I'll deal with that then.

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you know one day it will.............

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Okay. In 15 years, get off my back man. Cut me some slack. I've got a ways to go, LOL.

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your T is not your friend and never will be.....inside the walls of his office you may feel that, but at some point your brain must accept him/her for who they are...

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Tell me more about this POINT that one must reach. This point where my brain has to accept my T for who he is? I do already. He's a perfect human being. What's not to accept?

Just because you're so flexible, Gumbo, doesn't mean that everyone else is LOL Love ya'

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your T is not your friend and never will be.....inside the walls of his office you may feel that, but at some point your brain must accept him/her for who they are..

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I don't think of T as my friend. I do accept him and think of him as my therapist. But he knows me better than most people in this world.

If I worry now about when therapy ends I won't get the benefits of deep healing that can only occur if there is a real personal attachment. When T and I decide together that it is time to end therapy then we will wind down gradually and talk through the normal grieving that takes place.

Attachment is very healing and actually the goal of the therapeutic relationship. You should try it, you may find that you like it!

The goal of therapy is to function at an optimal level. If that can be accomplish without attachment than that is fine, if it can't attachment is fine too.

Merlin,

Sorry but that goal may be your goal but not necessarily mine.

My goal in therapy is to get to know myself as a person. It can't be done without attachment, because that is how we are made.

You are right that our goals are different. That's as far as I'm going to go into your comment.

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Miss C said:
Attachment is very healing and actually the goal of the therapeutic relationship. You should try it, you may find that you like it!

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I'm just now starting to get this concept. My T has not said anything about attachment, attachment theory, that I suffer from some insecure attachment condition. However, after reading the past few links posted regarding attachment theory and therapy (Pachy and Alex_K) it seems like she has taken planned steps to create an environment that is conducive to the development a secure attachment. Maybe this is something T's do in all patient interactions; but I think in my case she has been very subtle and deliberate in her approach with me.

Attachment is like transference and a necessary part of therapy for it to be helpful. Everyone attaches to others they have relationships with just as they experience transference with bosses, husbands/wifes, friends, etc. Attachment is why one feels grief when we or a friend move or relationships break up, people die, etc. It's basically just the natural bonding between two people who spend time "working" together (and yes, mothers and babies are "working" together just like therapist and client, husband and wife, etc.).

http://www.web-research-design.net/PDF/B&amp;F2006.pdf