I'm getting too attached to T

It has been some time since my last post here. I think I even tried to leave this place, now when the anti-depressive meds have me under their influence. Feeling a bit numb. Not too suicidal and not happy either. I miss my feelings. .... I don't know who I am anymore. And I am afraid to become too attached to my T. I am just starting to realize how much she really cares, and I don't understand it. She says I can call her anytime. She says she will see me during the holidays if I want to. She says she will be there, and that she is not going anywhere, and she will respect me no matter if I do well or not so well in therapy. ...Now what's my problem? I feel I'm becoming more vulnerable and afraid, because if I let her come too close I might become too attached. Like I never want to let go again. I know one day that I have to let go. My parents weren't there for me, so why should a total "stranger" care? Do they care? I know she is genuine but still the dark thoughts tells me not to trust because I will only end up hurting. It's a dead end, no matter what I do. It's very hard for me to accept help. She wants me to call doc and get a higher dose on meds. Not sure that I want it. Would it help? Would it just make me more numb? I feel crazy like it is..... and I'm falling into my old addiction.... and I don't know if I can stop it. ... what a mess. Maybe I want to be miserable. .. help me someone. Wake me up.

I don't know about TOO attatched to T ....maybe it FEEL like it but I think that the attackment though very scary is a part of the healing process .....I hope some wiser souls come in and see this soon .....Your fears are very normal for someone who has been wounded in life.......Good Luck

and safe hugs

I, unfortunately, am not one of the wiser souls. Just wanted to let you know I read this and hopefully you get this resolved {{{hazel}}}

I can't say I'm wiser either, but I know where you are at. I have these same feelings, too attached, how could anyone care about me like that, why would they, etc...
Unfortunately, I don't have an answer since I am in the thick of it too. Just know that you are not alone.
HUGS!

yes. people caring about us does make us feel vulnerable -- because we remember the times that we thought people cared and it hurt. That is so painful, but I hope you allow yourself to feel loved.

I can relate. I find it scary to develop a dependence/attachment to someone. It is hard to trust people when other people have walked out of your life which destroyed your ability to trust. One can only regain their ability to trust through time and healing.
I find that I sometimes don't trust my boss. I've noticed that this makes him uncomfortable sometimes. I hate that my strange inability to trust authority figures interferes with my work. But, I still connect my relationship with my step-father with my relationships with authority figures. As for my T, she is still new. So I haven't built a high level of trust in her yet. I hope I don't fail to trust my T due to my past relationship with my step-father.

Thank you for the replies (((everyone))). I am going to discuss this further with T on monday. I want her to care, A LOT, and still when she does I want to back off because there's a risk I'll get hurt.... This is what I do in life... I get people to like me, then I push them away. The usual "I'm not worth it"... it's the same with everything that's going good, ... I ruin everything. I hate myself for it. I am like one way on monday, then the opposite on tuesday. I can never make up my mind. What's wrong.... sorry....just venting I think?... anyways.....thank you for being here.

I think I've felt so much of what you're writing about. There's times when just the friendliness in the T voice, or the fact that he hasn't kicked me out yet, makes me want to yell and scream at him, cause I know it's not real...I think he must hate to see me coming through the door for the next appt. I've even gotten the nerve to say it a few times to him. He usually smiles and looks surprised. He assures me it's not the way he feels at all, which only scares me more. You're right, feeling an attachment to your T, or that she might care about you is way scary, kind of uncomfortable. My T's comment was" it messes with your head." Sometimes I want to yell 'I need some distance here!".

I also find the good day/ bad day happening. If I have 2 days when things feel almost okay I think I must be done with therapy. I figure he won't want me to come back since the problems aren't right in front of me right then. Then the next day I feel like I can't get out of my own way. I don't want to talk with anyone at work. I don't even want to be there. I want to time just to be, not to talk or think or do anything in particular, just to feel what seems to be sitting there all around me.

For me it seems to be getting gradually better. The dark days don't feel quite as dark. I'm starting to believe that maybe my T can care about me, although it still seems crazy that he would...I'm starting to think at least he doesn't seem to hate me like I thought he would. The numbness is still there about some things, but mostly it doesn't feel so artificial, like it did when I started on the meds.

The ppl here are amazing. Venting is good actually. Better to express it than let it beat around inside your head. Keep coming back and writing. Theres lots of experience and wisdom at this site. Many of the ppl have been where you are.

Please hang in there. Give it time. quay

I can relate to where you are coming from. Maybe your therapist is trying to empahsize that she is there for you no matter what. That you will be able to reach her even during the holidays when some feel so alone and sad. I truly belive she will not leave you until you are ready and even then slowly.

There is no good nor bad nor fast nor slow in therapy. Everyone goes at their own pace. I believe she is trying to tell you that there is no failing in therapy; it just is.

Could you maybe call your doc and ask them what the effects of increasing your meds may be? Tell them everything you are feeling or not as the case may be. Maybe it is not med related but something you need to discuss in therapy. I don't know but it is always good to give everyone as much information as possible.

Please don't sabatoge your own healing by not trusting the very person who is there for you. Tell her how you feel and see what she says. Please take care of yourself. I know you are the wise one and will make good choices.

(((Quay and bipolar_bear)))))) I so appreciate your replies... Thank you! I'm fighting right now. I feel like I have two opposite personalities. One bad, and one good. (so doesn't everyone?) ....anyways, the good one knows exactly what should be done, and wants to accept help, wants to show feelings to T and not be afraid of taking meds etc... Altho the bad ME thinks I am very sick and weak if I take more meds, and seek more help. If I lose control. ... I have already lost control, and think that is one of my main issues here. If I let people care about me, and I tear down the walls, put away the masks...then WHO AM I? And I know I was worse without the meds, but I still don't feel good enough with the meds now. I can't sleep and my mind is constantly spinning with thoughts. So numb... just want to scream, yell, kick and cry but like I said...I'm like this zombie. And I don't know if the doc and therapists are right either? They are not always right are they? What if this is the wrong way? Maybe I should've stayed away from the meds...altho I'm so afraid to fall back into that deep depression hole again. I'm afraid of life... and one minute I'm certain that I won't make it another day, in my own mind and body. The next I feel GREAT. And boy is this confusing?
Arrrggg....sorry.... maybe I'm not making sense. ....
Plus there are things I can't talk about here....
I'm just self-destructive and don't care right now...