My husband and I are in some serious need of marriage therapy. However, he REFUSES. There are many reasons why, but I don't feel like doing into them now. The marriage therapy would not be with my T-- my T does don't believe in bringing my husband into our sessions because it really wouldn't be objective at that point.

I don't know what to do. I am trying to work on our marriage in my therapy, but I seem to be missing a very important component-- my %#@&#! husband!! So since I can't have him in therapy with me (and I wouldn't want that), I would like to go to marriage therapy.

I have asked him many times, but he will not go.

[Brian37]

me and my wife do marriage therapy with the same T i do individual with......were going to see another T who specializes in IMAGO therpay soon....you are correct that your husband needs to be part of your therapeutic process....

as far as getting him to go.........i was hesitant too, but when my wife said she was considering leaving the marriage if i didnt....i got the point

[Razzleberry]

You can't force him to go, but try to make him realize how important it is to you that he does. And if things really are bad...then yeah, tell him if he doesn't go then you're considering divorce. Might be enough to wake him up. I dunno.

Eventually I need to get mine into the same thing...so...I might be in your shoes in a few months.

[(JD)]

I guess he has made his decision about the marriage then.

I agree with your T that your T is there for you, and not for your spouse. You need to have T as an advocate for you, plus your spouse would never trust your T for himself, and the T would not be able to make any progress with the two of you. That's a wise decision on your T's part.

Have a good discussion (as best as you can) with your spouse. Marriage requires that you grow together. You are obviously beginning to grow and heal without him. You are realizing that you do have some power and self respect and need the marriage to follow suit. If your spouse refuses to grow, there isn't much you can do but continue to be the best person you can be. If the marriage isn't abusive, then you might through growth and love, manage to move the marriage along in the positive manner, and path. If it's abusive, and he won't change, then your own T will help you to find the strength to find a good environment for your own healing.

Thanks, Brian. I keep meaning to tell you I love the Gumby, by the way. My husband only volunteered to go to my T with me in "an efford to help the therapist understand more about me and give him a different perspectivce." %#@&#! that. Plus, like I said, my T wouldn't let him in for that crap. Or for any crap, for that matter. It's also a personal insult to my profession that my husband won't accompany me to marriage therapy-- you would think that he would trust me on this considering I have been studying to be a therapist for years and will now be going to school be a psychologist-- I know just a tiny bit about what marriage therapy can do for a couple. But he won't budge. I really don't know where we will go from here, but like I said to him-- some of the things we are dealing with are bigger than we can handle ourselves. He does not think this is the case.

Just to clarify a few things:

No, my marriage is not abusive.

I would never threaten my husband with a divorce or anything in order to have him come to couples counseling because a) I don't want a divorce and, b) I don't believe in threatening as a way to coerce someone into doing something.

My husband wants very much for us to work out our marriage. We love each other very much. However, he has a lot of trouble with blaming me for everything that has caused the disconnection that exists. He thinks that he understands me perfectly and if I would just listen to him, things would change. The truth is, we both need to listen to each other and recognize the part that we each play in what is going on.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
It's also a personal insult to my profession that my husband won't accompany me to marriage therapy

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Just brainstorming, but could the fact that it is your profession be part of why he is uncomfortable with it? Maybe he knows you know way more about psychology than him, and thinks that counseling would be more on your "turf" and he wouldn't know the vocab, how the game is played, how to advocate for himself, etc.? Who knows -- just a thought. My father has always refused any kind of counseling precisely because it is my mom's field, IMO.

[(JD)]

Pardon me, but it sounds like he wants YOU to work on your marriage, not him. I didn't say threaten him with divorce at all. Since it isn't abusive, then you can stay if you choose. Many women have done that, and gone right on with their lives, though not a happy marriage.

I think what I implied, and do mean, is that those who grow through personal therapy often outgrow the immaturity of their spouses. It's a natural outcome of healing and growth, imo.

It does sound like you expect him to respect your wishes because you know better (being a professional yourself) and that he rejects the idea because you do think you know better, and of course, he is saying he thinks you are the one who needs fixing because you're already in therapy (and if he goes to therapy, he has to admit he isn't perfect.)

Typical marital problem actually. But you can't fix the marriage by yourself, you can only improve yourself. If he won't play ball, there is no game.

[Brian37]

I somewhat disagree.........if he refuses to go hes not holding up his part of the marriage.........sometimes we have to do things we dont want to....hes acting like the 5 year old girl who jumps up and down, screaming and crying, until she gets her way......I say push his $#s
into therapy or else....

If he truly loves you he will go..........any other excuse is bull

[PsyChris]

It sounds like your husband is not as far down the therapeutic road as you are.

Most people that seek therapy do so after months or even years of suffering and deliberation. I'm not sure you can expect your husband to get therapy until he is ready.

I'm glad that you are not willing to lay down threats to coerce him into therapy. It may not work and it could cause some serious martial trust issues that would take a while to work out in therapy.

Does your current T feel that marriage counseling with another T would benefit you both?

[chaotic13]

Wow __Sky your posts again hit home with me yet again.

Pink, My H also refuses to go to therapy. I have suggested that he needs to go to therapy on several occasion. He went once to see my T early on. Apparently he had a very rough, emotional session and refuses to return. To his credit, he has made some significant changes with regard to his verbal abuse and treatment of our children. Unfortunately OUR relationship has not improved much. I feel like I am getting better but WE are not.

I talked once to my T about couples/family therapy, this was my intent when I first started. However, a few months ago, I said that I did not think I could handle having her treat both of us. I admitted that I had some real issues with what was discussed in their session. It took me a long time to get over feeling like I was talked about and totally exposed by my husband. I saw it as another breech of trust on his part. I didn't like my T knowing stuff that I didn't disclose myself.

I want him to go to therapy but with someone else. Honestly, I think he would need to do some individual therapy before we could ever do couples.

[sunrise]

Pink, after trying everything I could to improve my marriage on my own, I asked my H to come to marriage counseling with me. He refused. This was about 9 years ago. I didn't know what else to do since I had already been trying everything I could think of. This lead to a feeling of hopelessness--trapped in a relationship that isn't getting better and you just feel helpless. Now 9 years down the road, after 20 years of marriage, we are getting divorced. Maybe if we had had professional help back then, things would have turned out differently. The decisions we make can have far reaching consequences. I hope your husband will change his mind and go to couples therapy with you. If not, I hope you can find alternatives that strengthen your marriage.

My T, a family therapist, uses this book a lot in marriage counseling and highly recommends it:
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch.

[MissCharlotte]

Hey Pink,

I'm sorry your H won't go with you to marriage counseling. I think Sunny has a great idea. Maybe you two can find some other way to reconnect with one another. If not counseling, or therapy then how about asking him to suggest something that might help you to achieve greater intimacy as a couple.

Or, maybe you can read to each other. You can read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus together, taking turns. That was actually a suggestion from my T for me and H before he came with me to therapy. We actually did read to each other but didn't finish the book...

Peace

[Razzleberry]

This might sound trivial but it's just a suggestion.

There's a book called the Five Love Languages. It also comes in a "Men's Edition" - and it's on CD if he doesn't like to read books. Just a thought.