Left Unintegrated

I had a rough couple of sessions this week. My depression has worsened. I have these depression episodes where I just crash low low low. I have suicidal ideation and even some reckless behavior (while driving). T says I should not have to feel like this and wants me to get another psychiatric eval. He said it was serious. I am so confused, so low and so sick of all of it!!

I cried yesterday pretty hard. Hard enough that my chest heaved. T said I was left unintegrated by all the trauma of my childhood. I asked him if I had told him how hard this was and he said yes he thinks I have told him once or twice.

I don't want new meds. I don't want a new pdoc. I don't want anything. I just want all of this %#@&#! to go away. That's all! So there! I have %#@&#! had it!

And now he's on vacation and I have a bathroom key to hold onto?....I feel defective.

(((( mischarlotte))))) I hadn't heard it spoken of that way before "left unintegrated" but the feeling must be the same as dissociated into parts? If so, it's all you, and it is all you because it was how you did cope, and how you continue to cope... though as people age, it becomes less effective.

Is the psychiatric eval simply to determine if you need hospitalization? If he's diagnosed you, and is helping you, why does he want the other opinion again? For meds? What kind of meds?

Grr to his being on vacation. You got a key? Kewl. Is it his? How long is he taking off?

You aren't defective hon, in fact, to cope as you did as a child, you have to be superior esp in intelligence. It might be that that makes things more frustrating for you though. Therapy IS difficult, yes indeed!

Do you journal? You could post here, like a talk therapy session (shortened to be extra safe.)

You can make it through. Suicidal ideation is the "norm" for times like these, imo. You don't want to die, instead, as you said, you want things to change!!! I think it's "normal" also to feel like no one understands how horrible you feel unless you do talk suicidal ideation and ruminations of the negative things in your life.

There are plenty of members who have been where you are...and got through it. But anyway, they understand how you are feeling. Hold onto us here.

You're not defective, just need the toys put away in their cabinet instead of strewn all over.

I'm so sorry you're so unhappy, crashing, and low. It is definately not a fun place to be. I lived there mid-70's to mid-80's and can't say I want to return.

Do you really like your pdoc? I'd think if things are changing that he could adjust too? Or is it just the whole mess of having to solve one more crisis when you don't feel you have the strength. Too bad we can't get those off the Internet (yet). We can order pizza to be delivered but can't do a psych eval with video/phone.

Rest a bit with us and maybe we all can think of a plan that will help while your T is away and get you some support or out of the depression's immediate grasp or something.

Oh miss - reaching out a hand....
i totally understand - what can i do to help?
Don't think of it as a bathroom key - think if it as the key to you and the parts/ego states... or the key to t's heart or the door leading to him where ever he is on vacation.
you could trace it and make some cool patterns - or do rubbings of it in different colors for the ego states.... you are creative - find that connection to get you through.
I'll be right out here too, t also gone and focusing on something (someone) else helps me =)
Kiya

((((((((((((MissCharlotte))))))))))))
I'm sorry you are feeling bad right now
I don't think you are defective.

((( HUGS )))

T sees your pain and feels helpless. He cares a great deal for you, that is why he wants you to get another evaluation.

They're in the business to help people feel better and sometimes they hurry to fix the immediate problem.
I understand where you're coming from. Something similar happened to me recently.
When I finally found the words to explain it all, it made sense to everyone.

If you really don't want to go through that, then tell T you don't need someone to fix you, (they can't anyway)
you just need someone to support you. Him.

(((Miss C)))),
Not sure how to help but... sending you hugs. Bad timing on the T vacation.

I'm so sorry T isn't here to help you through this.

I'm sorry you are feeling so down, MissCharlotte, and I'm sorry your T has gone away.

He'll be back. You have his key. You have us.

I think he wants you to see a new pdoc because he is worried about you. This shows he cares. But if you don't want to see another one, tell him. Maybe talking further with your current pdoc will help him know better what to prescribe.

you aren't defective.

(((((((((MissCharlotte))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((( MissCharlotte ))))))))))))

Thanks all for your support and hugs. I went to sleep early and just woke up with heartburn! How ironic but not coincidental. I do believe the body holds the score always.

Sky said: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
but the feeling must be the same as dissociated into parts?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Yes, that is exactly it! I do understand the dissociation was a coping mechanism but this work of integration is excruciating. The bathroom key is the key to the ladies room at T's. I inadvertently left it in my jacket pocket and then told him it would be my transitional object while he was away.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Is the psychiatric eval simply to determine if you need hospitalization?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> He said he wants my "suicidality" evaluated.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

I think he wants you to see a new pdoc because he is worried about you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Sunny, yeah, I think you are right.

Kiya, I like the idea of using the key to my benefit. Thanks!

You all are such good friends and it made me smile to wake up and see all of these hugs.

T IS worried about me and of course his worry, worries me! Maybe I don't worry about me enough. The reason he wants me to see a new pdoc is becuase this new guy is right in his building and is a friend of his so it's easy for him to talk to this guy. I do like my other pdoc quite a bit and respect him. But I have been less than honest with him about all of the aspects of my depression. I know . I know. But, I can tell T things that I can't tell anyone else in the world. It's just the way it is right now. I just wish I could even out my emotions a bit as the road feels full of potholes today.

((( miss charlotte )))

You have much more than T's P Key (sorry ) to hold onto I think. You have him.. he is really there for you. It sounds like he was already concerned about how you would be during his vacation and being away, even before he left. He truly cares about you.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
But, I can tell T things that I can't tell anyone else in the world

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

RIGHT! Isn't it wonderful?

Echoes, Sky,

Thanks to you both. And yeah I have more then his key. I haven't lost him yet internally anyway. Ask me again on Thursday. I have a feeling I'll be a tad lost (if not frantic) by then.

Yes, it is wonderful. But, get this. The new pdoc is in the same office building as T. So tomorrow I get to visit the building and use the bathroom.

Oh man, I sound really desperate don't I?

LOL

miss- that's right along the lines i was thinking - yoga has been started for free at the clinic and t wants me to go. so wednesday i may be feeling really lost, but tomorrow i get to go to the bldg and do yoga...