[hangingon]

I don't know whats wrong with me, everytime I go to therapy there is so much I want to say but then I get there and can hardley say anything, or I am all over the place.

My T asked me tuesday if I think I am ready to deal with the hard stuff, how the he** and I suppose to know, I have never done this before. She says maybe we should wait till your done school, I don't graduate till december of next year, so I said what about my insurance, she said she just calls them up and extends and we deal with other stuff in the process.

Her whole thought is that I have no support apart from her, since two of my abusers are family, my family doesn't believe or support me. If my family doesn't believe me how the heck does she think I can tell a friend. She tells me we need to work on my self esteem, ..wow, ...that made me feel great.

Ugh......im am just so frustrated with this, It makes me feel like I haven't done anything in therapy, I have been there 5 months already and still haven't really talked about "stuff". Maybe I should just quit. I get this feeling that she is totally annoyed with me.

I told her I stink at T, of course her response is no you don't, I have seen change since you have come. Then I said, I feel like I completely waste your time. Her answer is no you don't.

I feel like I am a screw up in it, I have all this crap inside but it won't come out. Why the he** can't I just say it....

[Edahn]

HA! I felt the same way in therapy. My advice: talk to your therapist about this! You're blocking yourself because something is on your mind. Ironically, it might be that your wanting to be good at therapy is occupying all your thoughts. That begs the question: why do you want to be good at therapy? That's something you can explore with her. Her comment about tackling the serious issues or whatever sounds like it may be putting some pressure on you to do all this difficult work. Maybe your therapist needs to take a step back?

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((( hangingon ))))))))))))))))))))
I used to feel the same way, that I was wasting my Ts time but eventually the important stuff started to come out. I think that it took me about 10 months to discuss anything of great importance. Hang in there, hopefully it will get better for you soon.

[Rapunzel]

It took me about 3 years to start being able to do real work in therapy. That's not counting the seven or so previous therapists. I still have the long silences too, when I want to say something, but can't, so we stare at each other. How to do therapy is harder to learn when you have never been able to talk to anyone about your real thoughts and feelings. If someone always silenced you, than it's going to take time to overcome that. It would be nice if you could just know that therapy is different, but it doesn't work that way. Everything that you ever learned, and all that you are, you take with you into therapy. If you come from a world where nobody ever listened to what you have to say, then how are you supposed to know how to talk to someone who really does listen to you, and doesn't fill up all the space with their own version of the story as they want it to be told?

[(JD)]

I think your T is a keeper so far! Therapy isn't just about working through memories and hard stuff.

Because events in life cause changes in our thinking and behavior, it's quite apropos to work on the day to day issues and thus work on changing the approach and reprocessing of such issues so that good thinking and behaviors develop.

That's your ultimate goal anyway, right? To live so as the past doesn't affect how you feel and think in the present.

[hangingon]

I am glad I am not the only one!

I don't know what is going on with me. I felt like I was losing it today, everything made me want to cry but I held it back. My T told me that I can call her if I ever need to, yet, I never do. I feel like I would be bothering her.

Things were going well until this past year , then the past started brewing. I hate whats going on, I hate feeling like I won't be able to control everything, I had no problem doing it in the past.

I was always did what I put my mind to and did extremely well at it but feel like a failure in T.
I get your point Sky, I guess I also often wondered if maybe she wasn't the best T for me and maybe thats why I can't talk, but I have no idea since I never tested T's before, she is my first.

My goal is to be "normal" again, whatever that is. I want to be able to trust and be intimate. I could definately use better thought patterns in that area.
I guess I was hoping I could just get it all out and over with, and now here I am 5 months later feeling like I haven't even begun....its soooo frustrating.

[Rapunzel]

One more thing to think about. You mention feeling like crying, but holding it back. It's that same holding back that keeps you from talking to T. What are you afraid of? What would happen if you let yourself feel your emotions? That is what you will need to do, ultimately, to get better, and to trust, and to be able to be intimate. You mention being able to control everything in the past. We aren't expected to control everything (well, maybe we were in the dysfunctional systems that we grew up in), and when we try to, that's when we develop the problems that bring us to therapy.

[Christina86]

(((((((((((hangingon))))))))))))))))

It doesn't sound like you're bad at therapy. It sounds like what I was dealing with when I first went into therapy. I only brought stuff up (like my SIng)... 2 months before I *knew* would be my last session with my first T.

A lot of people have self-esteem issues, it's not anything bad. A lot of people need to work on it.

Well, are you actually ready to talk about stuff? Maybe you've not reached the point where you have a secure relationship with her enough to tell her. Having trust in a therapist isn't something that usually immediately happens for someone. Perhaps this isn't the right therapist for you. Maybe you're just anxious... that's normal too, I was horribly anxious whenever I even thought about the "bad" or hard stuff, let alone talking about it! Take your time, work at your pace as you need to... if you can't talk, what about journal writing and then sharing them in-session? You could give them to her, or read them out as you wrote them. I find that really helpful.

Good luck, you're doing fine!

[hangingon]

Rupunzel, I understand what you are saying, I guess I find it hard to just let go, I don't like the feelings. If I tear up in T she tells me to relax and just let it come but I can't I just shut down, dissociate, I can't tell you why. I guess I have done that for a long time. I know I have to undo it but I can't make myself do it.

Somehow I think if I let it go, I will lose it, never stop crying, go crazy , something. I have never been one to cry infront of people and find it hard to do in T as well. I have a very hard time being vulnerable, I know I have lots of reason not to be as well. I also know its not healthy and that I have to learn to trust more, I'm just not there yet. Im new at this whole thing. I kept the abuse a secret for 20 years its not like I can just pour it all out now. Though I would like to.

Christina, I like what you said about letting it out just before you were about finished with your T. I do that in T now. I find it hard to talk, then right at the end I feel more ready to share, but its to late then...ugh....

I have journaled a few things, though her and I agreed I needed a break from some of that because it was causing me too much anxiety in school and life in general.

I think in the back of my mind I thought I was going to go in there, get it all out, and be on my way. Now I hear people are in T for years. Maybe I just have to learn to be patient with me.
The whole this is frightening.....I am afraid I will only get worse as I have such an array of emotions at this point. I feel as though I am worse now than I was before I started.

[Fuzzybear]

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Rapunzel said:
It took me about 3 years to start being able to do real work in therapy. That's not counting the seven or so previous therapists. I still have the long silences too, when I want to say something, but can't, so we stare at each other. How to do therapy is harder to learn when you have never been able to talk to anyone about your real thoughts and feelings. If someone always silenced you, than it's going to take time to overcome that. It would be nice if you could just know that therapy is different, but it doesn't work that way. Everything that you ever learned, and all that you are, you take with you into therapy. If you come from a world where nobody ever listened to what you have to say, then how are you supposed to know how to talk to someone who really does listen to you, and doesn't fill up all the space with their own version of the story as they want it to be told?

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[chaotic13]

hangingon,
I wish I had some good advice for you. Unfortunately, I am approaching my 1 yr therapy benchmark and still suffering from high anxiety. I go to therapy with stuff I want to talk about, but when I get there the words just get caught in my throat, my HR elevates, and my brain just seems to go to mush. I've mentioned my anxiety to my T a few times but I don't think she gets how bad it is. I guess it doesn't show on the outside. She really hasn't offered me any helpful ways to deal with it other than tolerating me writing/emailing her after sessions. Last session she just said.."Its a learned behavior pattern that is difficult to break. That I just have to do it???"

This past week I pushed myself and I finally broke my silence with my neurologist and talked with him about my anxiety. He gave me an Rx for 20 mg Propranolol and suggested I take1-2 tablets an hour before my next appointment. He said it shouldn't make me foggy but that I experiment with my dosage and test for adverse reactions this week before using it before therapy next week. He said he could also give me Xanix or some other med if I wanted to try a more regular, longer duration relief. Now I just have to decide if I should take it before next session therapy. My only problem now is that my T never suggested the use of medication. Although I think I described my symptoms clearly, the MD really has no idea what is going on in therapy.

If I decide to take in and it helps, I'll be sure to let you know.

[kessa19]

I feel for you, I have the same problem and have been working on it for over a year.
I hope this helps...On Tuesday my T told me she thinks I have a hard time communicating because I'm too worried about what she thinks of me. She then asked "what's the worst that would happen if I thought you were stupid/disliked you? " and even though she assured me beforehand that she didn't feel that way I felt like my heart was being torn in two. She sees me at my most vulnerable and arguably at my worst. It was then I realized something. Okay, she may never like me, she may think I'm stupid and annoying but I know she treats me with respect and dignity--and that shows me that I am a worthwhile person that deserves to take up space. I'm hoping I can open up to her more now--crossing my fingers.
You can never do therapy wrong because you are who you are and that is definitely more than enough. I wish you the best !

[crazybones]

i have the same trouble its like you go in with a plan of wht u want to talk about but then you cant say anything at all

[hangingon]

Thank you all for your responses. I really needed to hear other experiences. I just wrote I letter to my T, which I will give to her at the "end" of our next session...lol so she can read it while I am not there. Its basically explaining how I go in with so much I want to talk about but it just doesn't come out.
That I just need to know that she would never be upset with me for not being able to say something, or wouldn't be shocked by anything I had to say.
And most of all that I need to know that she has done this before.......that I am in safe hands......and that if I ever were to lose it you would be there for me the best she can....

I think that is part of my fear....that I will be abandoned when things get tough, I am afraid to be vulnerable because I can't take being hurt again...ugh......its so freaking difficult.,.....sometimes it literally makes me sick....

Chaotic.....please do tell me. I told my T that my school counselor suggested for me to take meds. My T told me that if she sees that I can't handle things well anymore we will look into that route, but as if now she thinks I am doing. I think I am like you in that I really don't show or tell her what is really going on in my brain and how stinking sick I do feel in there at times......like I could run to the bathroom and vomit......but I don't.....cause I have to hold it all together and "pretend" I am so strong...

[chaotic13]

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there at times......like I could run to the bathroom and vomit......but I don't.....cause I have to hold it all together and "pretend" I am so strong.

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OMG... during one session I was sitting on the ugly couch, thought everything was going OK. I could feel my heart racing, she was telling me something about something Oprah said about childhood abuse and guilt. I don't even know what my T was actually saying, $#@@$?? It wasn't until I stood up to leave that I almost had to sit back down because I got so dizzy. I got out the my car and started dry-heaving in the parking lot. I did manage to mention the next session that I was feeling pretty ill all of the sudden at the end of the session. She asked me "What do you think that was all about?" I said "I don't know, just sick I guess, maybe stress." Then we moved on to another topic. I think my problem is that I will quickly mention my anxiety but then immediately move on. I think it is an avoidance kind of thing. I'll mention it so I can tell myself later, "hey I'm being open, telling her everything" But I'm not REALLY wanting to acknowledge how crippling it really is sometimes and how much it really bothers me that I can't say what I want to say.

[chaotic13]

hangingon,

Just wanted to follow up with my medication experience. I was feeling really good all week and thought I might not need to take the Propranolol before my session. However I decided that I would leave the final determination up to how I was feeling an hour before the session. Despite being fairly busy and not thinking much "consciously" about therapy, I noticed that as the day progressed my anxiety starting to increase. My heart rate was elevated, the weird feel in the chest area started, etc. Although I couldn't pinpoint a source it was coming. So I decided not to worry about it and just take the medication an hour before the session. By the time I got to my session I felt a lot calmer and I didn't have that feeling in my chest anymore. I think I had a really good session. I didn't stutter, didn't lose control or get foggy. I made direct eye contact, did squirm a little, but overall I felt SO much better during and now after the session. My head is not exploding with all of the things I wanted to say but didn't. Tonight I journaled about what I SAID not what i SHOULD have said. I don't know if it was a placebo effect or the medication or a combination of the two but it really help me today. I'm glad I tried it.

[kessa19]

Chaotic: I'm really happy for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!