[Kiya]

T and MD now work in the same clinic and are kind of ganging up on me to be more active in the community and get me involved in a lot of the programs the clinic offers. For starters there's yoga. Now i have issues (heh -no joke) and yoga brings up several of them; body image, clothes, being touched, being seen.... then there's the anxiety of being aroud people as well as my own internal nightmares, depression, panic attacks....
So, here's me in yoga, a class of 2, already in a bad state. By day i've been having anxiety, by night - mania. Today in yoga I start crying and trying not to be seen. I didn't get any sleep and my body feels like it belongs to an out of shape 90 year old instead of a 30 yr old. Also due to yesterday's anxiety, i consumed coffee and chocolate (two major allergies). So i'm REALLY on my game today. ...and right now feel like i have a blocked artery.
Yesterday I called MD with my updates (who just got back in to town, who i have missed terribly). So I am in yoga, comepletly out of it, thinking about MD and how she's somewhere in this bldg *right now*, listing to my message. I finally get through the 1.5 hour yoga class (with the teacher having to say the name of the system often to get me to stay present) and walk out of there feeling ill-prepared for the world, emotional, and wanting to hide. But i have to pay my $10 for yoga. At the point where I realize I have to face ppl (with my eyes all puffy) i hear the name of the system be called and my head acts of its own volution, snapping around on my neck in response before i even know what is happening. I find 3 ppl staring at me. Instantly i switch into the host and in a different voice than i have been using all day i say "HI!" Turns out my MD was really on the ball this morning and has her new ast. there with 2 of my supplements and the medication samples on the counter. I didn't even know this would be happening . I had told MD i was trying to make it to Monday yoga (and infact, nearly didn't make it out of bed this morning). So there are all these ppl, there are my lexapro in a brown bag with the lable up so now everyone in the office knows what I am taking (feeling a little weird about that, I admit), and I am stunned, shocked and paying $65 instead of just $10.
After paying, i gather all these items, then went to the bathroom and broke down crying. Silly - but I didn't know what was going on right then - I was overwhelmed by something as simple as my dr having all my needs met before I am even prepared for it. Then i collect myself and try to sneak out - only to be delayed by the front counter gal figuring out when I will be back in... which will be all too soon.... Wed I start yoga for depression. So it will be like half support group (something I've never done) and half yoga class. Then back again that night for therapy. And maybe, if I haven't broken down completely (and can still walk) back thursday morning for "restorative yoga".

Sorry - had to tell someone .... and you lucky folks are it.
Still feeling overwhelmed. And yet sort of ok, and exhausted, irritable, weird that the office knows what all I am taking, relieved that I have what i need early, and trying to figure out trust issues and a whole lot of other things i can't quite name.

Sorry this is so long... processing.... Kiya

[coconut64]

Hi Kiya,
I hear you on what a yucky day you're having. I wish I had some great advice to give that would make it all better and would leave you feeling warm and fuzzy. I'm not having a great day myself, I'm still struggling with feelings, good and bad. Here's a bear hug for you!!!!!

[skeksi]

It sounds like you did a great job with a very overwhelming situation! I am really impressed with your ability to keep yourself there despite how "seen" you felt. I hope the yoga gets easier.

[chaotic13]

Wow! I can see why you are having mixed feelings about all this. My head would have been spinning too. The medication situation would have caused me to blow up.
Why all the yoga? If you have all these things come up with this activity can't you just try one class instead of all three? Don't they offer any other type of classes that you could "get involved" with? If you really want to try the challenge of yoga can you allow yourself some transition into it. For example just start with a 10-minute yoga podcast on your computer, then work your way into an actual class? If part of your anxiety in yoga class involves people seeing you and being touched could you move to the back of the room, tell the instructor thanks but no thanks on the tactile guidance, and attend a class where the lights are turn down a little bit?

As for your privacy being violated... I can see why you are upset at the same time. No one should have to deal with the front counter gal and strangers standing at the counter knowing what medications you are taking. I would say something to your MD about this and how embarrassing it was for you.

It is nice that you MD and T are trying meet your needs, help you feel cared for, etc... but maybe all the yoga is a bit of an overkill. Could you be trying to please them by trying to take all of their suggestions at once and overwhelming yourself in the process?

(((Kiya)))

[Kiya]

((((((((coconut))))))))))) hope you will be able to feel a little better soon!

((((((skeksi))))))) thanks =)

((((((Chaotic)))))))) thanks for the advice and showing me options. I don't often see options.

You know how it is when each of us vent about things but don't really give the whole story (because it is impossible). It is a lot like how you say - lights dimmed, only between 1-5 ppl ever in class. There is no "back" since it is a rectangle room the size of a kitchen.... in fact, it is a kitchen =) I think it is the safest place I could be trying this.
Upon reflection - I think the emotions are my "walls" starting to crumble... the blocks and the fear and the safety chamber I try to keep myself hidden in.... It all just collided on a scary day for me. But it is real good to have this safe environment (PC) to explore those emotions in.

Thank you all =)

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((( Kiya ))))))))))))))

[chaotic13]

(((Kiya)))

So it sounds like the yoga is incredibly hard for you to deal with, but you want to do it? You see a potential to do some healing through enduring this activity?

Hmmm... if this is the case....I'm kind of with ya...only you are actually DOING it...You go girl!

[(JD)]

One foot in front of the other... you'll get there.

[MissCharlotte]

Kiya,

I go to yoga, and sometimes it just makes the energy flow in a way that just releases all sorts of feelings. There have been times when I wanted to run out of the class because I felt I was just jumping out of my skin.

I think that the connection to our bodies brings us close to memory that is held within the organism that is us.

I can totally understand the overwhelming feelings you have.

I wish you peace.

xoxoxoxoxo

(((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

What a day! Of course you have mixed emotions...but good for you for being able to hold all of those different feelings, and come here to PC to sort it out a bit.

Sending you loads of support and hugs

[Kiya]

(((((((chaotic, sky, miss, em)))))))))))))))

yeah chaotic - that's it. I'm trying. I know it's good for me (the yoga) and i know that i have to reconnect with the body (that's the part I'm dreading and ignoring) but i am making the effort.
I used to be a dancer but quit when the panic got too bad (yep miss, that's exactly it).
Plus i was just in a bad space to begin with.... but that seems to be happening every day when i don't have work. I am trying to get a schedule - it's not not worked yet.

thanks all!!!!!!!!!!! many thanks.

[Kiya]

ahhhhhhhh so with all these realizations, why am i doing worse?
why can't i get myself to do anything i need or or leave the house?

(((((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))))))))

I wonder if you're expecting too much from yourself?? Suddenly taking on so many yoga classes? I know sometimes I jump into things with really good intentions - because I know it will help me grow and I am challenging myself a bit - and then I get overwhelmed.

I just did that recently. I like to be kind of "invisible" and I only wear jeans and t-shirts. I went out and got a LOT of new clothes (for me) - fashionable stuff, not my normal style - because I thought I "should" try to be more comfortable with myself and with being noticed. I wore one of the outfits to T and was REALLY uncomfortable. And now I have a closet full of clothes I just can't wear. I guess I'm wondering if all of the yoga classes is a similar thing?

Be gentle with yourself. Let your timing be whatever it needs to be.

[Kiya]

EM that is interesting and a good insight. I will have to think about that one.

in the meantime there is so much i need to do right now! eat (ugh!!) clean, get things i need... i can't get myself to do any of those things. =(

[chaotic13]

K can you focus on doing just one of them today...eating would be a good one to start with

I know I can easily get overwhelmed, crap piles up, I start worrying about it, then I can't sleep and things go downhill from there until for me some magical discomfort threshold is reached then I some how get myself moving again.

Can you start with completing one small task and build up your momentum? For me a walk and a shower are where I start.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
chaotic13 said:

Can you start with completing one small task and build up your momentum?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is a great idea. I'm going to try to remember this next time I feel overwhelmed.

[Kiya]

You both have good insights.
and it'sbeen a CRAZY day! Today started the depression yoga class. Right before i left I saw an email from T to move tonight's session either an hour later or to 11am. Yoga ends at 11:30. T was hoping for 11 and so I called, saying maybe (since they're in the same bldg) i can just end yoga early. T said she really thinks the class will be good for me, but she'd talk to my inst.
So i get there - she didn't talk to my inst.
In the class i totally start having an anxiety attack!! Claustrophobic with 10 ppl crammed in this teeeeeny room and everything just comes up in my face; the ptsd, the fact that there's a guy next to me, i start crying and don't want to be seen.... i keep thinking t at 11, t at 11 and can't focus on the class. The awareness alone sends the ptsd through the roof with body memories and then the pranic breathing being heard on all sides.....oh good grief.

Just for extra fun - I had forgotten half my supplements, so no mood help for me (forgot the 5HTP and Tyrosine spray). So i dash out of there at 11 and the front desk said t wants to talk to me.... i'm like - i know! my apt is now. they look confused and say someone else is scheduled right in 15 minutes. @_@ so i go out side to hyperventlate -i mean breathe- and wait for t. She shows up and asks if i'm ready for session! So, I explain the situation, we talk for a sec, she figures out what is going on and tries to walk me back to yoga (like 5 whole steps away) and i start hyperventlating and tell her NOoooooo i'm not going in there due to a panic attack. so she takes me back to her office and we sit there until her apt shows up- and i am a lot more calm. So i am due back tonight for the regularly scheduled (rescheduled) program.
It was nice of her to take me back and have me be calm. I was embarrassed and didn't want to - but she put a giding hand on my back and had me go with her anyway.

I'm gonna give this yoga thing one more shot next week (with the right supplements intact) and see...
Meanwhile... I am trying to get myself to accomplish one thing today. I must say, starting the day off in anxiety is a lot different than starting in depression - i have a lot of energy - but it is *scattered* really badly. i can't seem to pick one thing (stuuupid!) Shall i nap (since I didn't sleep at all last night?), clean the house, wash clothes, shower, bathe the cat, straighten my paperwork, pay bills?... so so soooooo much to be done. I know each task will require more steps because there is such chaos here. THus the delema.

I think i vote for nap for now. then shower.

[Gravity]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
chaotic13 said:
until for me some magical discomfort threshold is reached then I some how get myself moving again.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Well put, chaotic!

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Shall i nap (since I didn't sleep at all last night?), clean the house, wash clothes, shower, bathe the cat, straighten my paperwork, pay bills?... so so soooooo much to be done. I know each task will require more steps because there is such chaos here.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Here you go...you just ordered them for your self...

Sleep tonight then clean one area of your house....how about the bathroom so that right afterwards you can jump right in a clean shower and get that done too. Then take a quick moment to relish in that fact that you crossed two items off your list.

Don't forget to reward yourself when you get some stuff done.

[Kiya]

=)
I like your thinking. Prior to reading this, I did have a nap, then made dinner (making extra so i can eat well for the next few days and not starve myself) then made brownies to share with ppl.
So that is my big accomplishment - a pretty good one - food. It was the one you first named in your first response =)

Thanks for being out there and "watching my back".

[chaotic13]

Excellent! Not only did you make dinner but you made yourself a nice desert that then you could share with people. What a great idea. I hope you are feeling better today. Make sure you give yourself credit for every task you complete to build momentum.