Processing your therapy session...

I just read a comment posted by DePressMe that touched me a bit as I recall in my early sessions (years actually) I finally found someone to talk to me and that I could trust that I could finally start talking.

I did not share much outside of the session as it was such a kind of sacred thing to me. I only shared what I needed to to move forward therapeutically.

A couple of years ago I found a psychologist IMing friend who would ask ... well what did you deal with in session today. That kinda floored me...but I have found myself "coming out" in time.

I am amazed at how much people share here and have a mixed opinion (as I have shared my gut earlier... you may have observed).

I wonder if this is a safety mechanism or a distancing mechanism or a watering down thing when sharing? I suppose I used it as a coping mechanism as it has been so difficult lately.

How much does your T know of your sharing and how does your T feel about that? I mention the boards I am on but not in too much detail. I wonder what people's thoughts are on the sanctity of the therapeutic environment and what stays there and what is shared outside.

Sometimes I feel like I need to crawl back in to the therapeutic seclusion and sometimes not.

Discuss please...I welcome YOUR thoughts.

Oh what a great topic. I have very mixed feelings about "spilling my guts," as you say. I have not yet shared all of those things that are closest to my heart outside of session because I think it is so sacred, and really, my therapy is about finding myself. I get worried i will adopt others opinions instead of my own. On the other hand, I got so much helpful feedback on certain issues that I know will propel me forward in my healing. Sometimes I journal after therapy, sometimes I just think about it. I guess it all depends on how I am feeling at the moment. It really does help though to know that PC is here when I need it.

Cool topic. As I have mentioned before, I have never mentioned PC to my T. It's funny because this is where I gain the most insight. Often when I journal, there is no insight. It's all free association, ranging from cursing out my T to the fear of losing my dad. When I type in my journal, I will usually close my eyes and try to let my unconscious do the work. This is the stuff I will bring to T and see what we can make of it. But as far as posting on here, I get so much out of it in regards to insight and really figuring things out. So you would think I would mention this to T. Of course not! I have major hang-ups about telling others that I use online stuff to help real-life problems. (It's a reaction to my mother's severe internet addiction-- don't wanna be anything like her).

I could live in therapeutic seclusion though.

Here and other online sites are the only place I get to discuss my therapy.

I have gradually shared more and more here as I became more comfortable. Sometimes I talk in generalities here and I end up being confusing, because it isn't always right for me to share all the details. In therapy we have worked on stuff like trauma, repressed childhood abuse memories, current abuse problems--really intense and private stuff. I can't or don't want to discuss details of those things here (my boundaries), but I will sometimes refer to the issues as "trauma" or "abuse" without giving details or talk about process (e.g., "we used EMDR to process past traumatic events"). All the rest is between me and my T. I do think it is up to the client on who and how much to disclose of their therapy to friends, family, etc. I don't imagine my T would have any objections if I told him I was sharing some aspects with others. I know my daughter's counselor, who she has been seeing for a month, told us at the outset that if my daughter wants to share what goes on during her time in therapy it is up to her. She can share if she wants, or not if she wants. She hadn't shared anything of her experience to me until last week, and I have been careful not to ask questions or pry. I was thrilled when she mentioned something from her session a few days ago.

I wonder too, SecretGarden.

Should I be yapping to anyone and everyone about my session or processing it with my own perspective and thoughts about it? Lately I have felt that the processing should be done by me in private.

Not that some things can't be talked about elsewhere.

I struggled about posting my last post after realizing what was stirring me up after last session. It was good to recognize it but I don't know that it is good to share it except in the next session.

Crud IDK. Ambivalence rules. sigh.

ECHOES

Hi Sister, Mouse... and all...

I too worry about taking other's opinions as my own. I think that other's opinions/support have helped me through. The bottom line I think is that it is my session and I can portray things from my perspective but not from my therapist's perspective (except from my perception.)

I have appreciated sharing and receiving. Then I take all and weigh it in relation to what I think may be going on within me and within my session and my work.

It is like I spread what I need to out here, collect thoughts, reorganize and take what I think works for my situation, look at the reality of my situation (as I can figure out), reframe and go. So far... at least....

It has been very helpful for me to have this place to share. It has really, to a great degree, saved me this weekend.

Yes Mouse.... I am glad you have this place to share. I wish you could share at home. I live alone except for my 2 cats and internet..(lol).

In some ways I feel like I “own” my therapy session and everything that happens inside of it—everything said by me and my therapist belongs to me. I often tell her—and she agrees—my therapy includes my sessions with her, my pdoc, my journal, my blog and this support group. We utilize every resource possible to help me grow. We talk a lot about this support group, my blog and my journal. She does not see it as a threat or anything—she thinks it is a great way for me to grow. Sometimes, I come to her with a piece of the puzzle already put together—having worked through part of an issue on my own. Those make great therapy sessions because we build on the work I have already done—she always has new insights and is able to take it “to the next level.”

Yes, I would say there is a bit of sacredness to our relationship, but that does not stop me from sharing our work. The sacredness that I experience is that she is the first person I talk with about some really difficult issues and she helps me work through things I would not attempt to work through with anybody else—even myself. Part of the sacredness is the complete trust and faith I place in her to take care of me—to offer sound advice and interpretations—basically to be a good professional therapist. After working with her on difficult issues, I will share here, on my blog and explore it through my journal.

Maybe, in some ways, the world is my therapeutic playground because I “take myself” everywhere and every thought, action and feeling is fair game for therapy. Since I am working on myself—who I am—how I feel about myself—in some ways my therapy has no beginning or end. My sessions with my T are just a piece of the puzzle. And my T is another person helping me build a new picture of myself. A picture I am willing to share here, on my blog and with most of the world.

Pink... I think journaling is very powerful and it appears to be for you at this incredible time of learning in your life. I think that there was a time that I journaled so much that that and my T were my world. I did it via writing in many notebooks...and at one time I thought of retyping it all so that it would be more legible....or I could work it through more or not miss anything... I do not know but put it to the wayside as in my journal I could write to my emotions... huge, sideways, small, heavy ... etc.. Just thinking but it was at the request of my pdoc...an analyst..to organize my thoughts. So my journal became an extention of my therapist.

I am not saying it is but do you feel it is important that your pdoc know that you share here or do you think it detracts at all or adds to your therapeutic experience. More or less or an adjunct to your journal?

Sunrise...

I have a friend that calls me Quicksilver... because sometimes I do not make sense or use shortcuts in explaining everything. I think it is a matter of wisdom ? and I do not know what else... as to what is shared here. You get what you need without spilling it all sometimes. That leaves the experience whole and personal to you and perhaps likewise your relation to your therapist and therapy. We all have our boundaries to be shifted as need be.

I think that and hope that in time here I will find my way as you have so well described.... gradually sharing what feels right and comfortable. It is a matter of guaging what feels right.. and still honorable to the relationship I think... Still percolating this through Sunny.... Thanks for your thoughts.

I am pleased that you have your daughter in therapy at a young age and that you are being so cool as to let her have her own experience there. You are seeing that she will come to you as she grows and feels safe not just with you but with the T and the experience. Best wishes. I wish I had started earlier in my life..

Echoes... Your post is a thought provoking post. I think I would have emploded had I not had here (and special internet friends) to post but I do feel or have felt ... do not laugh... that the relationship with my therapist has historically been kind of like a vacuum or a marriage of sorts. That is the connection at least to me on an emotional level of sharing and trusting. I suppose that when I started initially I did not trust anyone... I mean that. I was not talking to anyone. So that when the relationship developed it was in a vacuum as he was the one I talked with. For a long time I did not let others in.

Chicken or the egg? Which came first... the trust, the vacuum.... the relationship the feeling of needing to keep things secluded.

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SecretGarden said:
Pink... I think journaling is very powerful and it appears to be for you at this incredible time of learning in your life. I think that there was a time that I journaled so much that that and my T were my world. I did it via writing in many notebooks...and at one time I thought of retyping it all so that it would be more legible....or I could work it through more or not miss anything... I do not know but put it to the wayside as in my journal I could write to my emotions... huge, sideways, small, heavy ... etc.. Just thinking but it was at the request of my pdoc...an analyst..to organize my thoughts. So my journal became an extention of my therapist.

I am not saying it is but do you feel it is important that your pdoc know that you share here or do you think it detracts at all or adds to your therapeutic experience. More or less or an adjunct to your journal?

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I do think of it as an adjunct to my journal at times. But it is more than that because of the interaction with all of you. Sometimes the only way I can feel close to my T after I leave him, is by journaling. It has truly become an extension of him. Thank you for those words, it fits the situation perfectly. I also have an extenstion to my T through the psychoanalysis book I'm reading right now by Nancy McWilliams. T saw that I was reading it and it became obvious that he has read that book before, and is quite familiar with her work. We discussed her work and now it has gotten to the point that I am beginning to feel connected to him through reading her book. Strange? Maybe. I don't feel like it is important right now to let T know that I share on here because I consider the end product to be the most important part-- the insights that I'm gaining from sharing here. Like I mentioned before, I have a really hard time admitting that I benefit from internet interactions-- It's because of a lot of tuff that went on with my mom and her internet addiction.

Thanks DePressMe...

I appreciate your thoughts and it really does seem like you are working the program .. your program. After all this is what therapy is to do... amoung other things... is to help us figure out how to figure out what is going on within us.

I agree with finding resourses. Currently a couple of IMers and friends IRL and my T are my resourses.. Mainly my T and also the work done over many years.

I historically had times of meditation and a couple groups.. all before I got a computer or the internet. So the internet offers an interesting opportunity. It is more of a spilling in a more of an anonymous way....with the time limited only by the self, not by other group members ...as long as the interaction continues.

I agree and appreciate your second paragraph particularly... It is how envision a successful therapeutic relationship and the bulk of the work I have been through to date.

Lately there have been struggles, a tug of war.. .often with myself that he sometimes gets the brunt of. It is confusing o me sometimes. You sound like you have a wonderful relationship with your therapist. Do you ever experience the struggles or anger (at least for me--and whatever for you or others) at times... particularly of difficult change or acceptance?

I am not to the point of sharing with most of the world ....yet. I admire your strength and willingness to do so. I fear judgement... when actually most of the judgement is by myself. Acceptance... what a gift..... a loverly gift.

Thanks.

Thanks for sharing Pink. I see some commonalities and know there are many ways to connect with our T's. I am glad you have found yet another. It is all good..... I think.

You will need to share more of your mom's internet obsession as it is obviously a thorn in your side.

Yes, the internet is a wonderful resource—I have a real busy life and it fills a void for me—I can IM, post and chat with people whenever I have a few moments. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it can not completely replace real live interactions with people. I have to concentrate on developing my relationships with real live people—ironically some who I have met over the internet.

I don’t like change. I struggle with it, but not as much as I use to. Change is really what I am after in therapy—I want to change how I feel about myself and how I approach the world. I am not an angry person—I really felt angry a few years back. So, I got involved in a kickboxing club and started beating the crap out of a punching bag. It worked so well, I got one in my home. Right now, I mainly get angry and frustrated when I am not doing so well—my depression seems like it hangs around no matter what I do. Sometimes I get angry with my pdoc—like he should fix me—he has been with me for a few years—why am I not completely better?

I really like my blog—I find it a safe way to share intimate feelings with numerous people—but they don’t know who I am, so it feels safer than most places. I am glad I have gotten to the point where I am open with my friends and at times with co-workers and classmates. Like, I no longer cover up my scars from when I was a cutter. Really, the only people that comment about them are people who have cut themselves or know somebody who does. I have found very little negative judgment. I do admit, there are some people, especially in the work place that I limit how much I share—that’s just smart.

Really, I think you are doing a great job working through your issues. Posting here and trying to figure things out is an important step. I am so glad you give me a chance to share my story. I try not to offer advice—I try to share my story—that’s good because it helps me and I hope it sometimes helps others. I truly appreciate who you are as a person and the struggles you are going through…keep posting!

I think therapy for me, both individual sessions and "collectively" was a bit like I felt my creativity and "ideas" were. I was afraid if I talked about or shared them, if others took and used them that I would in some way have less. I gradually figured out over the years that it's not like that and the more you "use"/share something the more you have, one cannot hoard feelings, thoughts and ideas in order to keep them safe; they won't grow that way.

I guess the concrete thought that got my thinking in a different direction was C.S. Lewis in his book, Mere Christianity I think it is, where he shares his believe that the only books you get in Heaven are the books you share here on earth :-) I was always very protective of my much loved books and wouldn't show/lend them to anybody but Lewis' lighthearted thought got me turned around and I realized I had to lend out my favorites, especially! :-)

I began to understand that my experiences, thoughts, ideas, creativity, curiosity, struggles, and the little nuances that make me, "Me" are the only things I truly have to share and only way I have to become "known" by others. It is only by sharing myself that I can understand that others have similar problems and feelings to mine and it's only by my being vulnerable that others can find a way to "connect" with me; building walls of any sort doesn't "protect" me, it kills me!

Perna,

What a wonderfully insightful post!

I am afraid to let go, be seen, share in therapy. Last Friday I did and it about paralyzed me with regret and fear.. almost a post-traumatic reaction!

Thanks so much for sharing!!

ECHOES

I too have trouble with change... I think that is part of my T's frustration and it is indeed part of my frustration to be able to let go of some of my boundaries. What a fight within. Sometimes I feel like I give lip service...to what is in my heart. Time now to put up...

I like the idea of a punching bag. Really I do. It sounds like an excellent release. I think hands on sounds good. I have done alot of screaming in closed cars... which works. I eat too much...which is not so good. I do feel better when I go to the gym.

When you say that you feel depression pretty much all of the time... is this something that you accept about yourself or is this something that you hope/expect to release through long term therapy?

Thank you for your kind positive comments about my journey. It has been a long one...and sometimes it does get hard .. Sometimes it feels better.... when not on a slide. Take care.

I agree with ECHOES that this was an excellent post.

I suppose I thought that if I shared my ideas, thoughts, feelings... people would think/know I was less as I already knew I was less. (Childhood ridicule...within the family facilitated that.)

I found that when I joined a group for some time I was amazed at the vulnerabilities of different people and the empathy and insight we could all provide each other. I was so tickled and validated. I can not say that enough. In that regard I found in time what you found in that sharing more there was more to learn and therefore more to share... increasing what there was. :-)

You are so right...

Thank you for putting it in to words and sharing here.

I had therapy yesterday and here's how I have been processing. It was a difficult session and I thought about it all the way home, trying to recapture some stuff. My therapy has gotten deeper recently, and more intense. When I got home I was tired, hungry and extremely anxious. I called T. He called back about 2 hrs later and we talked for about 10 mins about what I was experiencing. I was still anxious but feeling a little better. I journaled a few pages. Not typed but handwritten. I drove my son to his P-doc and asked him questions about his therapy experiences, just listening to his answers without offfering my direct experience. I entered a post here on the dissociative disorders forum. I wrote a poem in creative corner. This morning I was still thinking about it. I calleld my husband and told him a bit about my session. I had lunch with my best friend in the world and explained some of what I had experienced. We were able to laugh, a huge relief/release. So, here I am still processing but less intensely. This week was unusual. I usually don't share as much or with as many, but I thnk I need to do more of this because it helps to release the anxiety that my body holds. On to next session.........next week........and so it goes.

I know that lately things are rather intense here as well by virtue of intense therapy, week three of a cold and other stressors floating around.

I asked my pdoc via a fax to call me at the end of Thursday. He did not . I called his VM Monday and am not sure if he has a new machine but I was cut off....I imagine him putting his finger on the machine to cut me off. I rethink that... I call back and leave a message that I am working things through despite medical and psychological difficulties and am ready for meds. A female recording...thanks for calling... must me a new machine... I hope.

I recognise a similarity between patterns of what is going on with my T to patterns with the parents. I always thought they would move while I was in school, etc... I do not know if it is just the same thing over again...

I wish for help and kindness as I am bruised and bleeding. This week is better than Thurs -Sat particularly....poop. I wish for kindness and understanding but am not sure it will be there.... but yet... is that not what I wondered with my family of origin particularly with my parents. Other thoughts this week have confirmed this pattern. Someone ( I suppose that should be moi) hit the friggin STOP button.

I too am exhausted. I will make it til Thursday. I am angry but ... perhaps I do not have a right. Whether I do or not... I am just tired... and I float along til Thursday trying to boost myself up while recognising....figuring out what is going on.

I do not have the diversion of family but the warmth of two kitties.... which I appreciate.

Perseverate...

Sunday I was productive and I try to be a bit more productive each day....to not stew in it.... but yet it all seems glued together.

Thanks... I know I will feel better having vented. It is frustrating... and yes this allows some of the obsession to be released ...if not for a bit. A welcome respite.

I am glad your doc calls you back. I hope mine has a reason for what he does....and it is not just a personal limitation.

Good luck with all of the processing you need to do. This place has helped and having friends help.... There has been so much negativity about... Va Tech..... My sis has written considering Hospice for her husband with ALS..... and there is more. I feel full....and not in a good way.

((((((((((Secret))))))))))) ((((((((((((sister and brother in law)))))))))))

It sounds likek you are so overwhelmed and need to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR A WHILE!

Go see a movie or take a walk in nice weather. Find someone to share a meal with. The absolute best thing I did today was to have lunch with my friend. I haven't seen her in months and before that it was years. However, it was my good old internist who said to me that therapy was good but "you need your girlfriends." Try not to be isolated when you feel like this. Of course, you have a right to be angry. Try twisting a towel or smashing ice cubes Re: your family of origin--isn't it amazing how often we keep "punishing" ourelves by repeating those painful patterns? It is sooooo hard.

Be good to yourself.

Thanks Sister. You are right... Need to get myself in gear... I will...

I will.... Sometimes too far down but will lift myself back up. I was doing that Sunday and I will again..... Promise.

Today has just been a rough day... It will get better. Will work on ceasing my whining... lol. Thanks.

This was a very good thread. I appreciate what everyone said.
Thanks.

Thank you Raceka....

I think I digressed a bit at the end but....I am bouncing back....and processing away..

I do not want to scare anyone else away from posting here if they would like to because as you say... it has alot of good info.

Bouncing back today... :-)