humpty dumpty

i don't even know if this is the right forum for this.. but this forum seems to be my home.

i may post in the anxiety forum too... %#@&#!... i could post here, there, depression, bipolr.. i could keep going.

i have just run into a major financial disaster. It hasn't hit yet... my finances are a month behind, so i know i am ok this month but not in AUgust. i just started a new job but i am going to have to leave it in order to tend to the other financial problem. That sounds counter intuitive, but the bigger problem needs my full attention adn this job, while it brings in a little extra money is not enough and it takes away my time, energy and focus from the other more important thing.

no.. i cannot do both... physically and mentally i have limits. This was my first week on the new job. Day one caused me so much pain that i lay on the floor after work and cried. i cannot take the muscle relaxants which allow me to sleep properly and reduce the amount of muscle pain. Google what happens to bipolar people if they don't sleep right. i cannot do 40hrs a week at the job and come home to do 40 more on the other issue.

i have been an emotional wreck all week.

im in a panic... because there are so many factors to consider... and none are guaranteed. T was a big help yesterday... but we never got to talk about how i can stay grounded through this weekend... when nothing is concrete, how can i find something to hold onto?

i don't like to give myself credit. i have very poor self esteem. i said to T i did not like to brag and he said no, i was the exact opposite... and pdoc said i was the opposite of a narcissist. So saying this is difficult and is only stuff i believe in a non-solid sort of way... i can be convinced to a degree of the evidence of their concreteness, but integration has not happened. So... what i can say then, within those parameters, is that i have a fair number of skills, talents and abilities. Apparently i am not as dumb and useless as i believe i am.

the reason i say this.. is the heart of a crucial problem for me. i can be reasoned with and forced to concede that i have x y or z.... what i do NOT have is the strong or glue which joins these qualities and abilities into something useful. It's like blocks of different sizes and shapes which must be joined or related to each other in order to work.. but i do not know how. Imagine being a master woodworker... able to cut, carve or shape anything.. but not having any idea what a nail, staple or glue were for.

this is a very serious issue for me... one which is crucial to my grwoth... if i am ever going to attain success and fulfillment, this is one of the major principles that i must explore and master. i have tried in the past, without being able to put it so clearly, to overcome this sort of think on my own and was not able to. i need T to help me with this as much as i needed his help to leave my xH

speaking of whom.. he says he feels like he owes something to me... he seems dedicated to helping me get through this. That isn't quite optimal, because it makes things sticky and complicated... but i have few choices.

my life is about to implode. i knew that it would... at some point.

i need T.. i need him to just help calm me... ground me.. just tell me i can make it and that even if it gets hard.. he won't leave me.

((((((Fluff))))))

((((((((((((( fluff ))))))))))))))

Fluff,

Your t hasn't left you yet. He has stayed the course even when it was pretty bumpy. I think I can say with a lot of assurance that T WILL NOT LEAVE YOU. HE WILL BE THERE FOR YOU.

tulips

Jello, you are going to make it! Your T is not going to leave you. He is dependable and a source of strength for you. ((((MzJelloFluff))))

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T was a big help yesterday... but we never got to talk about how i can stay grounded through this weekend... when nothing is concrete, how can i find something to hold onto?

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Sometimes for me, just a simple thing like "T was a big help yesterday" would be what I focus on to stay grounded and to feel T will be there when needed and isn't going anywhere.

You always have us

MZJelloFluff--

I think if you run into problems before your next appointment, you should call your T. He would be glad to help you, and it's always better to be able to call your T before you get to the point where you implode.

I've only called my T one time with a real problem, but he was really glad that I called and he was able to head off real disaster before it struck. That's your T's job, and if there is a problem between sessions, he'd want to know about it ASAP.

Lack of sleep btw... does terrible things to everyone, but with Bipolar...the last thing you want is to go into a manic or depressive cycle. Call your T tomorrow. You won't regret it.

you guys are right.. to a point anyways... i don't think he would ever just tell me to go away (although that fear crept back in recently on an unrelated topic)... i don't think he would ever say "stop coming." Howver... he does now know just how bad things will be for me soon... he knows that i am at risk of not being able to afford anything, much less therapy. He knows i am afraid of being left in the middle of the process at a point at which i would be more dysfunctional.. he knows, but he hasn't offered a lower rate, or slidin scale or anyting that might elp me stay... he hasn't even said that we could try to find a way... nothing. So while he might not tell me to leav... i dont think he will do anything to help me stay.

will he be there for me while i can see him? he has been hasn't he.. in the past i mean..? i don't understand a lot about interaction and i have trouble interpreting things... for example, if someone *does* something caring, or even says a caring thing, but does not directly say the words "i care" then i may not interpret any of it as caring at all. It's not deliberate... it's a lack of a certain skill set T says.

Simcha... i wish that were true.. i truly do. But T and i have an ongoing issue about calling him. We established i am definitely *not* allowed to call for reassurance... so no matter how afraid i am that he might leave me because i can't afford him... i am not allowed to call and ask. After that it gets sort of hazy. When i had a bout of social anxiety and couldn't leave the house one day, even though i really needed to, i called him and not only was he ok with that he felt it was a very good reason to call. Recently I needed advice on how to handle a situation that couldn't wait (not what to do but how to respond to something.. how to act i suppose)... and in the end he said it was ok to have called, but in the beginning he was a little uncertain as to whether it fit the "guidelines."

those guidelines are fuzzy to me.. i don't quite understand what they are.

i am allowed to call to leave voicemails that do not ask for a call back. i can leave as many of those as i need to. i try to talk out the problem that way.. or sometimes just talk about how upset i am or whatever... yesterday what i was doing was trying to talk out the problem but i would run into trouble... the problem is round.. there are no corners or anything to grab ahold of, no edge that makes sense... it all seems very random and equal, yet not equal. There are as many if's and but's.... and then the anxiety attacks started. Once they got going i couldn't find anything to grab onto. T has told me that we confuse ourselves, lie to ourselves and fall into emotional whirlpools that mislead us... we need to find conrete things that we *know* are true to hold onto... i couldn't find anything.

i tried to talk this out with someone... and i made the mistake of saying that yeah, i wanted his reassurance and i wanted him to tell me he believed in me. YES i want those things... YES i'd pay extra to have him just stand there and say them... but i did not call for that reason.

i may not understand the calling guidelines, but i DO understand that i can only ever ask for a call back if i ***need*** him vs ***wanting*** him.

it's so arbitrary to me... he wants me to be independent and not reach for him as my first line of defense (his words)... and i try, i really do. I try the things he has said. i type out a conversation with myself (yes, seriously). i talk to myself like a third person... ask myself why i am upset. i do the little three column table he showed me to do. i leave voicemails trying to talk it out. i try to calm myself. Then what? Can i call then? Wouldn't that be ok?

i'm sorry.. i got off on a tangent there simcha.

the calling thing bothers me, but this upset i am having isn't about him calling yesterday or not. i have much bigger fish to fry.. i have to figure this out. i have to balance out my needs vs wants vs urgent issues.

i keep putting myself down for failing at this... beating myself up for not doing this work sooner.. not handling the web stuff very well... etc. i keep yelling at myself in my head because i can't do it all at the same time like normal people could do. If i wasn't such a %#@&#! cripple i could work the day job and do the web stuff at night.

((Jello))

It is so hard when we lack object constancy, to hold onto T in our hearts.

I had a period of time when it was not clear to me when or if I should call T for support. Frankly, I just had to keep going back to him and discussing the issue. Now, it is consistent and calm. I call when I need him. Period. If he can't call me back, then he has to live with it. (Including fallout from me.)

I told him during one of our ruptures that it didn't matter what arrangements he had with other people, that we had to figure out what was right for us.

PS He always calls me back now. And, you know what? If he is annoyed, I don't care. That's his problem, not mine. He's my T and it is his job to support me when I feel vulnerable, or unstable.

On the other hand, I don't call for things that I can handle myself and I have been working hard to try and take care of things as much as possible. I recognize that he is a person with a family and needs outside of session.

Recently I've been able to overcome a lot of my anxiety, as I saw it for what it was, and I've been able to systemically work through a lot of it. I've never felt like I had to call my T in order to be soothed or feel reassured, other than the one time I needed to call him for advice and for him to reassure me that my decision making process wasn't screwy (a real concern, as I was on new meds at the time which gave me mental confusion). I didn't trust the so-called friends I had at the time with knowing what was best for me either, and my family all live far away from me.

Having no support system to speak of is certainly not easy, MZ. By anxiety attacks, do you mean panic attacks? I know from experience that they are really tough. I even stopped running and exercising for a time when I first developed them, because they raised my heart rate and I didn't want to experience a panic attack. For the most part, my panic attacks have gone away (knock on wood).
With the anxiety disorders I have (GAD and PD w/out Agoraphobia), part of what helped me is to read about it, which I mostly do online. It helped me to understand the unconscious processes so that I could stop them from going into motion. I still struggle with both, but more and more, I recognize out of control, out of proportion anxiety for what it is, before it snowballs.

I think you are just like I used to be, where the anxiety would be so overwhelming it would just snowball, leaving me dysfunctional and feeling like I couldn't cope. I also had no one in my corner at the time either. I understand about having trouble interpreting certain things. My disorders of GAD, and Panic Disorder are on top of ADHD, which is pretty much my baseline.
The GAD and Panic Disorder will go away in time, but the ADHD is there to stay. ADHD can cause a lot of problems with misinterpreting body language and even straightforward seeming statements. For instance, oftentimes I read too much into things that aren't there sometimes, making it more complicated than it really is. Sometimes MZ--a broom is just a broom. Perhaps you also read too deep into things?

I do recognize your catastrophic misinterpretations in what you write... this isn't any different than what I used to do all the time. Rest assured, it is almost never near as bad as we make it out to be, and with a little planning, perhaps we can head off some of the lack of funds that you see in your future.

Here is what I suggest--- either at your next appointment, or prior to that-- call or tell your T that you will have to stop or cut down seeing your T due to your financial constraints. Tell your T that you want to know what he suggests that you do to prevent this. Tell him your personal situation with how your finances are going bad, and exactly why your job situation isn't going to work out and how you will have to leave. Tell your T directly that you want to have a solution to this problem, and if your T doesn't provide any guidance, ask him why he doesn't have a suggestion, why don't you offer a sliding fee, etc. I have learned to be very direct over the years when I need to be, and it has served me well. Let me know how it goes, I really want to know.

yes a broom is a broom... and $400 is $400... which is what i will have as income in the month of August. Is that a catastrophic misinterpretation?

no offense.. but i am not exactly like anyone is or used to be.. k? no offense to you but people seem to like to make me into comparisons and i'd rather they didn't. i am me... just plain old me... but apparently people see others in me or something. So.. you be you, and i'll be me....k?

i did tell T that i had to cut back and possibly stop. i did tell him exactly what my situation is. i did tell him about the job not working out. The only thing i did not ask or tell him was that last part... about asking for a sliding scale. If he knows full well what the situation is, then i want him to offer that.. if he does not then he doesn't want to... and that is his choice. i would only accept sliding scale that was freely offered.

maybe i am mashing terms together, but i get massive anxiety... through which i technically can still function... and then there are the full blown panic attacks as well.

im not sure what you are referring to specifically when you talk about interpretation... it's interaction that i lack skills in. Overlap.. yeah, for sure. Was there something specific about what i said that brought this to mind?

MissC.. ty... i wish i were at that place.. and i get it, i said the same thing about his arrangements with others. He said "you know fluff, i don't really make many call bakcs, hardly ever actually" To which i said that i didn't really care what he did for other people. But yeah.. it still gets me.. i can't process him being annoyed with me. i want common ground on that one.

(((Fluff)))

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yes a broom is a broom... and $400 is $400... which is what i will have as income in the month of August. Is that a catastrophic misinterpretation?

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I wasn't referring to your money situation, but rather to the anxiety of all of the anxiety provoking personal scenarios building on top of each other.
I understand the gravity of the situation. I'm not making light of anything. I'm not being glib either, so I'm sorry if you thought I was being anything other than genuine. I'm not into glib answers, and I spend some time answering serious ones.

Is there no way to stick it out through this job for a short while until you are more secure financially? Or perhaps cut hours down to minimize the time spent on the job?

Also... do you like your T?
He doesn't seem to be very responsive, and I find it odd that he didn't think about what you were saying and how it would effect you not being able to go to therapy at the point when you would likely need it more due to a high anxiety provoking situation.

Jello,


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The only thing i did not ask or tell him was that last part... about asking for a sliding scale. If he knows full well what the situation is, then i want him to offer that.

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Now, I know you know the cardinal rule with T's is that you HAVE TO ask for what you need. I know it's hard but my T would never offer first. It's just part of the healing for us to ask.

thanks simcha... i lean towards defensiveness lately due to some unpleasant situations. i really meant it when i said "no offense." Yeah.. the answers did sound a little superficial.. thank you for clarifying.

i just received my own copy of the anxiety and phobia workbook. i had borrowed T's copy and liked it. i just now need to set aside time to read and apply it. You're right... i do have a problem catastrophizing the future. There is very good reasons for that. My past has some pretty dark times in it. Ever had to eat cake mix because it was all the food you had? i have two dogs that are like kids to me.. i worry excessively about being able to keep them fed and sheltered.

but i realise these things, this anxiety, is more historically based... out of proportion with the immediate reality.. that my experiences of succeeding at making a life for myself has not "cured" those fears... and that is because the deeper causes have not been addressed.... yet.

My T... *sigh. i don't just like him.. i love him. Not romantically, but a genuine healthy love. i truly do. i am angry i guess... and i am not painting the best picture of him.. and that is unfair.. he has been there through everything.. given me so much. i feel bad that i haven't been very fair to him in this. But i am upset... and what i said was true.. i did express all of what i said and he did not offer a solution. i am scared about that. To be fair.. this whole mess only struck recently and maybe he needs time to think about what to do. .. i don't know. i do wish he had said *something.*

you're right Miss... and i am SO not good at that. One of my biggest issues is that people denied/deny me what i need. Part of the problem *now* (as opposed to when i was little) is that i don't look like i need extra caring.. i don't seem like i would need someone to connect the dots for me... i developed a shell of outward confidence. T knows this but i think sometimes he forgets. He knows intimately that i worry and have fears of abandonment, butt sometimes he forgets to be direct in his reassurances i think.. other times he wants me to connect things myself. This time i needed him to tell me he'd still be there. i do need to tell him i need him to help me find a concrete solution to seeing him.

i'm scared. WHat i need to do... regular job or no.. is to promote the other things i do.. and i am afraid. My confidence is shot to hell after the past few years.

But.. if i can keep myself afloat mentally/emotionally... well.. there is no reason i cannot do this.. i need to believe that.. i wish i did, inside. i'm energetic, and i work very hard.. people seem to like to work with me.. so why can't i do this? why can't i make it if other people can...right? But keeping myself afloat is no easy trick. i am very prone to deep depression when highly stressed. i'm really screwed if it goes into hypomania.. but that isn't the bigger risk here.

with T.. my own versions of solutions include reduced sessions.. obviously... so i may not be getting optimal care, i don't have to lose him entirely if i can make a little money over thee summer. Right?

keeping the job isn't really an option.. i know it sounds backwards.. but the web stuff i do is more important.. it would be like working a desk job instead of tending the farm.. make sense? It's everything i can do to get through the day with FT hours. Right now i don't have the option of reduced hours.. and the kicker is that the FT hours are just enough money to make any difference to my immediate situation.. reduced PT hrs would just be more of an inconvenience than a help. And really? i hate it. i really hate it.

i'm stripping down my expenses right now. Trimming off everything.. $40 here, $20 there.. etc. i'll eat tuna every day if i have to. If i save now.. and xH helps out.. then maybe i can be ok.

anyone know where i can buy or borrow some self confidence? That is what i need to make it... some self confidence and T.

I watched an episode last night on You Tube of "Inside the Actors Stuido" with Gabriel Byrne. Gabriel Byrne is one of my favorite actors. He is from Ireland.

He didn't start acting until he was 29 years old, and he said it was mostly due to having a lack of confidence in himself, of self doubt. Being scared of how he would be seen, scared of failing.
He said that the trick to acting was all to do about confidence, and that the only way to overcome the fear was to just get out there and do it. He said that while it is uncomfortable at first, it does get better.

Byrne never had any formal training in acting, and was all self taught. One day, he just said to himself that he was going to go out and do it... so he did, and auditioned for a show. He landed a main part on the extremely popular Irish TV show "The Riordon's." He didn't hit success in America until he was already in his 30's. You may know him from his role in "The Usual Suspects" or "Stigmata."

If the copy of the book you have is what I'm thinking it is, it had excellent reviews. I think it can help. At one time I considered getting a copy for myself.