When we talked and they listened... (success stories from the therapy office)

As a consumer and practitioner of counseling, I love reading these posts... It gives me a chance to read some honest feedback on what its like for others to be in ‘the other chair.’ I love it even more when my clients share directly with me about the way they feel in response to my actions and comments. I think many other T’s might feel the same way. So…..

I would love to read about people's success stories. When have you talked directly to your T about your relationship with good results?

Some tips for those who haven't yet given hard feedback to their therapists and aren't sure how to start:

Now that I am a counselor, I get much more out of my own therapy than I used to. One of the reasons, I think, is that I'm not afraid to tell my counselor when what he's doing isn't working for me. Not that I'm telling him what to do, because I go to him because he has perspectives on me I can't have. But I let him know when I don't understand what he's saying or when I'm troubled by something he says.

A great technique I like for talking about this stuff (with counselors or anyone) is to start with a simple formula such as:

I understand ______.
And at the same time, when _____ happens, I feel _______ .
What I would like to see happen differently is ___________ .
If that change happens, then I will ______.

Using a formula seems artificial at first, but just like learning to play a sport, you learn the form first, then it becomes natural.

I like that formula!

One of the most successful moments in my counseling has been when my T very gently confronted me on my inability to speak. I didn't feel blamed or criticized at all, but he expressed how frustrating it was to see me week after week in such pain and unable to reach out at all, even drawing back when he tried to reach out. That was when I understood that connection to another person might be the way out.

It's not like I came in gabbing the next week--I still don't--but I at least got to the point where I could say, "It's hard to talk." I hadn't realized that even that was a way of reaching out, tentatively.

I finally got brave enough last Monday to tell T something that I really need - to feel nurtured. It feels like a big, gaping, gigantic need that could never possibly be met, especially by him, and I told him that too.

Now today, I am sick - I think it's a bladder infection - and went to T with a slight fever. I was chilled, so he turned down the fan and pointed out the blanket on the back of the couch - so I actually LAID DOWN on the couch, curled up with my head on the pillow (usually I'm so, so guarded) and covered up with the blanket. It was weird at first, but I felt so cared for. We basically had a normal session, but I started to feel so sleepy and I closed my eyes and said "I think I'll just sleep for the last 20 minutes" and T said "Go ahead - I'll watch over you" It was such a genuine moment, and I did feel super nurtured right then.

(I stayed awake by the way)

There have been so many times that I have told T what I need and he's given it to me. He does make me feel really nurtured and cared for, which is something I most certainly didn't have growing up, as my childhood basically consisted of me taking care of myself/being abused. It feels so good to get that now, and he makes it feel like it's totally, completely okay.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
fellowtraveler said:
When have you talked directly to your T about your relationship with good results?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I always give feedback to my T. Usually it is all great feedback. She has given me extra time, allowed me to communicate through email, given me connection items to make it to the next session, given me extra sessions throughout the week, allowed me come in at the end of a hard day just for a hug to ground myself, and one time let me come in when there was a storm outside and my little alter just layed on the couch while she did paperwork. I've tried to tell her that I appreciate her actions and her as a person, though I am human, and fail to do so probably more often then not.

As for hard feedback. The first time I ever did this was Wednesday of last week. I had made a post here about the session being "worthless". My therapist had to deal with a crisis, and it took a lot of time and attention away from my session. I was hurt, confused, and most of all angry. Typically, my response would be to completely shut down on her, slam all doors, and say forget it, I was done. But I took time to cry out of the frustration at the very poor session. I asked that she call me at the end of her day, she did. I told her how I felt. I said the session was horrible, and that I felt like I shouldn't have even attended, that I was very hurt.

It was one of the hardest things I've done, but it was a huge step to show my growth in therapy.

Boy oh boy do I ever give feedback! We have intense discussions, and um arguments too. I don't need a formula now, but probably would have benefitted reading this when I first began therapy almost two years ago.

I sometimes still have a hard time with telling him when he disappoints me or revealing certain things but that has less to do with a formula than it does to do with my personality and who I am/the issues I am working through.

One session T and I discussed my fear that if I get well I will lose her. She really seemed to understand and basically she told me that she's not going to get rid of me until I'm ready and she won't abandon me. We really discussed this in depth and that was so important to me.

Another positive thing my T does that forever shocks me and makes me feel like I matter is when she goes over everything we've discussed and remembers what I've said!!!! Sometimes she remembers things I've said many sessions ago. I never thought I was important enough to listen to. When she remembers I feel so special.

Welcome Fellow!
I enjoyed your post! Thank you for your technique, I've already written what I am going to say to my T tomorrow but might rewrite a part of it in the way you indicated!

I'll tell you a positive story about my T. The session before last, I told him that I liked going to this certain place and that I thought it was because I was close to him spiritually (his words. I wasn't sure, but all I know is that I feel better when I go there. I have attachment issues, unfortunately. But, instead of him drawing back and being afraid, he offered me two other places that he likes to go. I was honestly shocked! It was the first time in our three years together that I felt that he really, truly understood what it was like (how humiliating, degrading) for me to feel so dependent. It was such a relief and totally, with more work, will replace my standing schema. This man has stood beside me when others would have run. He has believed in me when others had given up. No, he's not perfect as none of us are. I don't ever think he'll know how much he has done for me. I just have a little hope that somehow, maybe I might have given him something along the way that he needed.

I've had a few successes with T and they are:

1. I felt very protected when he met with my mom and I together. He stuck up for me quite a bit...

2. He once told me that " I have him" when I said I didn't have anyone anymore...I need to hear that again!

Thanks everyone for your responses! It was great to hear how you have been 'heard.'

It was also great to hear some stories about things that therapists have said or done that were especially helpful, meaningful or encouraging. I reminds me how important the relationship is in the work that happens between therapists and clients.

What have other folks experienced in the therapy relationship that has made a positive difference? Any specific stories or actions that stood out as especially encouraging?

Fellow,
Last session, I directly told my T about something I needed, something I thought would help me. So, I'll let you know how it goes as we implement the idea. Thanks so much for your wisdom!

Okay, another positive thing my T did (it's hard to choose from all of them).

Sometimes words can be very powerful. I was going through a massively difficult time and at times was not the most pleasant person. My T wrote me an unbelievable letter. I've shared it with others here already but it's a good one worth repeating:

Soliaree,
I've been out of town and only opened your email last night - it's not that I wanted to let you hang through the weekend. . . . there are no easy answers that I can bestow through the brilliance of my narrative
In regards to your present struggle, I'd have you recognize that this may prove the most essential part of the work you have to do - to tolerate, explore, and ultimately accept that tension between becoming absolutely attached and rejecting/fleeing. Realize that there really is nothing remarkable going on around you at this moment, so the suffering you're feeling is a pure reflection of that dynamic.
<font color="#880000"> Breath, be still, and realize that there really is nothing you have to do right now to be ok.</font>

This last statement totally blew me away. How stunningly moving! My T means so much to me, he has stayed with me through everything -- it still shocks me. I really don't deserve him.

I find it helps me most when my T is honest with me and gently (or not so gently) tells me things that I don't want to hear. It usually makes me mad (though I've never admitted this to T) but it usually motivates me to make the changes that I need to make.

Just,
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I find it helps me when my T tells me things that I don't want to hear.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You are a better man/woman than I, Just. I do want to know the truth so I can change (But I'd rather stay the same and have the truth change to be honest). However, I dislike it intensely when I am talking to T and he says, "I'm just not saying what you want to hear." At that point, I'm extremely frustrated and even moreso after hearing that phrase.

I have noticed, though, that the phrase is popular amongst therapists. (I'm leading an 'awareness' campaign to stop this at all costs, BTW) LOL --Traveler, what are your thoughts on this?

This phrase sticks in my craw like none other. Why? I don't know. I'm going to guess aloud, if you don't mind. It's like after a T utters, "I'm just not saying what you want to hear," well, it's 'as if' the conversation is over. Its 'as if'' somebody other than you has decided exactly what the problem is: your inability to hear the truth. Could that be true? Yes. Could it be false? Yes!

The phrase is dismissive in nature, though, and tends to end a 'discussion' if one is caught unaware (as I have a few times). Then, if it was false, you would be left with the feeling of mass confusion, unneccessary guilt, or some other unappealing feeling. I trust my T and know that these words are said for a good reason (like he's trying to end my obsessive questioning/ranting or something similarly altruistic).

Imagine, if you will, if a patient said, "Hello T, I'm not going to pay you for your services today. However you have done an exceptional job as usual."
T: "What? Did you forget your wallet? Are you having money difficulties?"
Me: "Well, no."
T: --Well, he would start to get frustrated and angry at this point and probably insist payment.
Me: Hmmmm. "I'm just not saying what you want to hear, T."

And I would say that 'as if' the conversation were over. (Although I know it wouldn't be as I would never do this to my T.)

Spread the word. Let everyone know and be aware of these words so haphazardly strewn together: "I'm just not saying what you want to hear." I say beware. Be a very weary bear.

I was totally kidding above, BTW. My OCD tends to be creative at times. I do dislike the phrase, though, LOL.

Just, it sounds like you have a good relationship with your T! I'm so glad that he/she is motivating! Take care!

I have spent many, many hours reviewing in fine details of my interactions with my T. I repeatedly look for signs that she is lying, not being genuine, is just pretending not to judge me, is uncomfortable, is not trustworthy and honest, doesn't give a crap, just want to get rid of me, and is just listening to be because it's her job. And every time I find no supporting evidence. When my mind goes into some paranoid witch hunt, it consistently returns empty handed. This alone has had more of a profound impact on me than any insight she gives.

fellowtraveler the best thing you can give your clients is your genuine presence. Anything less will be surely noticed.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
When my mind goes into some paranoid witch hunt, it consistently returns empty handed. This alone has had more of a profound impact on me than any insight she gives.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is so powerful, chaotic13.

Wow What wonderful stories. I wish my T was nuturing and actually listened. I think HER biggest concern and focus is whether or not I am doing "The Work" .

Soliaree,

My T has never said that she's "telling me something I don't want to hear". She just says things that I internally feel that way about. Does that make sense? Not sure if I could handle it if she actually said the line....lol

del12, it might be that your T doesn't offer the type of therapy you would like to have.

Here is a site that offers a good description of types of therapies: www.guidetopsychology.com

Just,
Yes, I hear you and truly understand! You totally make sense. I think I was carried off on my own tangent . . . Ummm, sorry about that!

However, my T has said, "I"m just not telling you what you want to hear." And that was true, he wasn't. So, I think T talked, I listened, then I protested, LOL. I guess that doesn't fall under a success story. It might be an issue in need of analysis, though, and this story could end a success, LOL.

Take care. I love this thread, BTW.

That is a great quote. It sounds like it was delivered at just the right time, too. What a great thing to remember for any of us who get overwhelmed with anxiety from time to time!

Thanks for sharing it!

I had therapy today and was able to talk about the argument I am having with my dad over the fact he doesn't feel I need hearing aids. She listened and understood my frustration at having him nickel and dime me to death. If he doesn't feel its a neccessary expense he throws a cow and comes down on me making me feel like a child. She was able to put into words the emotions I was feeling.

Jbug

Hi Fellow,
I know you only asked for successful stories, but I can't think of anything just now. After 5 years with the same therapist, she dumped me a month ago. She said it was not about me, it was about her. Isn't that what one says when they want to break off a relationship? I thought there was supposed to be some process to therapy termination. Not for me. I really miss having her as a life consultant. But, I'm not going to put myself out there again like that only to be crushed again in the end.

So, maybe that's the successful part of my story. I miss her.
Best,
Okie

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Soliaree said:
I dislike it intensely when I am talking to T and he says, "I'm just not saying what you want to hear." At that point, I'm extremely frustrated and even moreso after hearing that phrase.

I have noticed, though, that the phrase is popular amongst therapists. (I'm leading an 'awareness' campaign to stop this at all costs, BTW) LOL --Traveler, what are your thoughts on this?


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think that would get my goat as well. A rule I have heard for confronting people is "Say what you see when you see it, and say it with kindness and respect" (Fran Smith, family therapist). It seems to me that your T may be on to something but it doesn't sound kind or respectful when he/she says it that way. Have you told your T this?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
chaotic13 said:
I have spent many, many hours reviewing in fine details of my interactions with my T. I repeatedly look for signs that she is lying, not being genuine, is just pretending not to judge me, is uncomfortable, is not trustworthy and honest, doesn't give a crap, just want to get rid of me, and is just listening to be because it's her job. And every time I find no supporting evidence. When my mind goes into some paranoid witch hunt, it consistently returns empty handed. This alone has had more of a profound impact on me than any insight she gives.

fellowtraveler the best thing you can give your clients is your genuine presence. Anything less will be surely noticed.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yikes! I am glad I am not your T! (jk!) That is some scrutiny. I hope that I would hold up under it as well as she does.

I absolutely agree (about the genuine part). In my experiences in therapy, I really can only remember a few things that my therapists said to me years ago, but I do remember that each of my Ts made me feel genuinely cared about and understood (at least most of the time)... and that made all the difference.

My current T is more directive which is what I need right now and has been willing to confront me which has been perhaps most helpful of all.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
fellowtraveler said:
That is a great quote. It sounds like it was delivered at just the right time, too. What a great thing to remember for any of us who get overwhelmed with anxiety from time to time!

Thanks for sharing it!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Sorry, I didn't realize these threads had multiple pages... The quote I was talking about was "...there is nothing you need to do right now to be okay"

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
okiedokie said:
Hi Fellow,
I know you only asked for successful stories, but I can't think of anything just now. After 5 years with the same therapist, she dumped me a month ago. She said it was not about me, it was about her. Isn't that what one says when they want to break off a relationship? I thought there was supposed to be some process to therapy termination. Not for me. I really miss having her as a life consultant. But, I'm not going to put myself out there again like that only to be crushed again in the end.

So, maybe that's the successful part of my story. I miss her.
Best,
Okie

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Okie,

I'm sorry to hear that. Of course, you are right about there being a process of termination. I've heard that the best therapists start addressing termination at the beginning of therapy and continue to address it from time to time throughout. Ideally, if termination has to happen before the client is ready to move on, then there is a period of time to talk about it and get ready for the change (the longer the better in most situations). Perhaps you could write her a letter expressing your disappointment. It sounds like the two of you have some unfinished termination issues that she might be willing to address. Therapy is seen by many as a chance to experience "healthy endings" and "good goodbyes." I hope that you are able to get healthy closure from this important relationship! Trusting and being hurt and trusting again are important life skills (but never easy!)....

Hope some of this is encouraging.
- FT