[ECHOES]

Most of the time I post, it's about how good I feel about my T or my session.
Most of the time I do feel good about T and the session, or most of it.
But while I feel those feelings somewhat when I'm there, mostly I feel them after the session.
T was right when a few weeks ago she said I am 'stoic' in session, particularly compared to how emotional and distressed I am when I call her (as I am encouraged to do) between sessions.
I want to feel my feelings in the moment, while I'm there. But I "feel" after I'm safely in my car, or even better back home in my apartment.

It's my history to go away to feel. One of the last summers my Dad visited, we were sitting outside on the front porch one warm, sunny summer morning talking and he said he could never understand why I would "take off" when I was upset and not cry there at home. It's true I did that, walking and crying and angry or hurt or whatever, for as long as it took until I could return home completely composed and as if nothing had happened. When he said that I was amazed at his memory and insight, and I feel guilt and shame to this day that I also couldn't be there in that moment and tell him why I did that. I couldn't respond to his interest and curiosity there in the moment.

I want to feel my feelings in session. I think it would be a wonderful and exciting thing to experience and yes I know all the feelings won't be ones that feel good. I need to get those others out there, I know. Those are the ones that I fantasize being able to get out in session but I can't. As I'm driving there, the closer I physically get to her place, the farther I feel from myself emotionally. It sounds extremely defensive, yet I love going to my appointments.

Sometimes in session I do become emotional, but mostly that is when I'm relaying a fantasy to her; perhaps this is one purpose of the fantasies.
I want to feel there, in the moment. I work on it and work on it but it doesn't happen. Not there. I can feel and be present only when I'm completely alone. How do I transform this to a therapy setting?

Anyone else struggle with this? Did it resolve? How?

Early on in our relationship, when I would struggle and call often right after sessions, she would simply ask me to trust the process and don't give up. I still think of that and I wonder if it's still applicable, or if there is some place I should have got to by now, along some kind of therapy continuum. We talked about that the last two sessions, talked about aspects of it. She said she feels I am more open with her and I definitely talk more and asked if I thought so. I do-- I hardly spoke for 9 months! I do feel more comfortable and I feel like I can say anything but I still am 'stoic' just as she said.

How do I get to really feeling free to feel, to be me (whoever that is) there where I really do feel comfortable? What is missing? What is in the way? I can't see it. Can you help?

[Christina86]

Interesting question.

I have trouble feeling emotions in session too. Then again, I have trouble identifying most emotions in myself most of the time as well.

Sorry, I have no advice but I hope someone else does.

(((((((((ECHOES)))))))))))))

[kim_johnson]

It is hard to show emotions when we are used to dealing with them ourselves. Sometimes I feel a bit afraid that if I exhibit intense emotion in session then I'll have trouble composing myself Sometimes I feel like my emotions will be a burden for my therapist. I guess part of figuring out what is stopping your doing it is figuring out why you don't do it and then working on that. So... Why do you think you have trouble with showing emotions in therapy (there could be all kinds of reasons)?

It sounds like your talking about your fantasies is a way that you can communicate some feelings. So that is good, sounds like you are working really hard with this :-)

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Echoes,

GREAT post!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Anyone else struggle with this? Did it resolve? How?

Early on in our relationship, when I would struggle and call often right after sessions, she would simply ask me to trust the process and don't give up. I still think of that and I wonder if it's still applicable, or if there is some place I should have got to by now, along some kind of therapy continuum

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Yes I struggle with this as well. It hasn't completely resolved but it definitely has "improved." Funny, but I think the way I was able to begin to feel in session was through a couple of things. First of all, I began to notice when I was holding back and I would just say it right there. I would just say to T that I didn't feel matched to my feelings or that I was feeling something inside but couldn't put it into words. I guess I sort of try to remove the veneer I have placed there.

Second, believe it or not, the ruptures that T and I had made me more able to speak my mind and feel in the moment. Sort of a "wtf I may as well" reaction. The last rupture was entirely in-session and I think I cried for 45 minutes straight. Boy oh boy did I ever feel in the moment. It just came and I let it. (But that was over a year and a half into therapy.) I couldn't possibly top that so now anything else that comes up pales by comparison. I've already completely embarrassed myself so....

Third, I would say that time is your ally. I think that just continuing as you are is your best bet right now. Over time, we feel safer and safer in the relationship. Eventually, that feeling of safety will break down the defenses we hold unconsciously. You have noticed this and you want to change it. I guess that is the beginning of bringing the unconscious to light. So, just keep on keeping on and then notice it in session. Have faith in you, it will come.

Echoes, I have also felt that I must be way far behind in the "therapy continuum" as you say. Of course, that is probably an old feeling. I'm beginning to think that I have finally arrived at the place where the real work begins.

Peace

[chaotic13]

ECHOES

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I want to feel there, in the moment.

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I'm looking for the same thing, not just in therapy but in any interaction.

I wish I had some ideas for you. The closest I've come to expressing my emotions was when I had 2 beers the other week. I was given a long acting version of Propranolol to try for controlling my BP. My pdoc had suggested it because it also helps with anxiety. Well I quickly found out that Propranolol and even just a little bit of alcohol do not mix well for me. I experienced a rapid and very intense episode of depressive feelings. It scared the crap out of me. I couldn't handle these feelings and just went immediately to bed. I would not suggest this method of tapping into you emotions.

I am also working on being present. I've noticed that even when I am alone my expressions are still dampened. No matter what, I seem to have a tight grip on the volume dial.

Sorry I don't have any good suggestions for you.

[Cmara]

I too, relate to this. I grew up with a family that was full of addictions. You name it...it was in my family. I was the youngest and perhaps the most "sane", if you will. I was the strong one. At least that is what everyone thought. Now, at 40 years of age, I feel totally insane. I am trying to work through my issues, but in therapy I revert back to the child I was. Never showing emotion in regards to my feelings. I just can't let anyone see how desparate I feel inside.

I think I will try what Miss Char. suggested. When I notice that I am holding back to at least admit it and see where it goes from there.

[sunrise]

Really interesting post, ECHOES.

It sounds like you have trouble feeling your feelings in front of someone, such as your T, or your father. Are you able to feel your feelings (or have you ever been able to) with anyone? If so, why--what was different about that person?

It sounds like you are able to feel your feelings when you are by yourself--you can be "emotional and distressed" when you call your T between sessions. So you are able to be honest with yourself and let your guard down enough to be free to feel on your own. That is great!!! (I am not even good at feeling when I am by myself.) And you can share those emotions with your T over the phone. That is great too! But somehow, it is not possible when you are face to face. Why is that? Why is the phone OK and in person not?

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How do I get to really feeling free to feel, to be me (whoever that is) there where I really do feel comfortable? What is missing? What is in the way?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I realized recently what a tremendous amount of energy I spend NOT feeling and containing my feelings. I don't think I realized this before. I think to myself, wouldn't it be great to not have to do that and to be able to spend that energy on other things? On something positive in my life? This would be such a clear and huge benefit to me. ECHOES, do you know how you feel about your not being able to feel with others? Are you OK with that? Does it help you feel safe? What benefit are you getting from it? Or is it something you wish you didn't do? Do you want to be able to share your feelings with everyone? (Or just your T?) Maybe if you explore how you feel about not feeling, you will come upon a way through this.

[pachyderm]

If you recognize what your feelings are then you realize how dangerous it feels to recognize them. Because if you recognize them then you will remember what happened in the past when you expressed them. This can be the case whether you are alone or with someone. At least this is the situation with me.

[SpottedOwl]

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Anyone else struggle with this? Did it resolve? How?

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(((ECHOES)))

Yes, I've struggled with this, repeatedly. I've made some progress in my sessions with T by focusing on how my body feels. Rather than talking about the feeling and letting my intellectual mind get in the way, my T helps me bring the focus back to my body and that very moment.

This can be very uncomfortable at first, but it does get easier, and T is good at encouraging me. For example I might say: ' my chest is getting tight, I feel the blood flowing faster, my palms are sweaty, etc.' Rather than trying to figure out what I'm feeling, I try to get in touch with how my body is feeling at that very moment. No judgement, just awareness.

The last time I did this, I spent most my session sobbing and squeezing the heck out of T's hand. I have no idea what exactly I was sobbing about, but getting all that pain out and having T accept me was what was important.

(I was only able to do this after ~1.5 years with T)


Owl

[chaotic13]

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SpottedOwl:
I try to get in touch with how my body is feeling at that very moment. No judgement, just awareness.

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This sounds interesting.

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Anyone else struggle with this?

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Echoes,
Yes, I've experienced this also. Mine is a little different, though. I think that being in session with T is where I feel safe and secure. For this reason, my massive emotions of abandonment, devastation, or others don't arise as much as they do outside of session. However, over the past few months my anger and other not so nice emotions have emerged in session. I guess this was negative transference or something, who knows? But I understand you in that I am most of the time unable to understand my emotions, like which ones come up, when then come up, when they don't, etc. It's so frustrating. I think the reason a lot of us feel misunderstood (at least I do) is that we are unable to understand our inner world, so how could anyone else understand?

I was just curious, though. You say that your Dad told you that you use to "take off" when you were upset. Do you remember any time when you were upset and didn't take off? Like with your Mother or Father? And if so, how did they react?

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How do I get to really feeling free to feel, to be me (whoever that is) there where I really do feel comfortable? What is missing? What is in the way? I can't see it. Can you help?

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I wish I could give you an answer and solution, Echoes. I know how painful this is. In my experience, though, time, patience, and self-acceptance are precursors of finding answers. I wish you the best of luck!

[Perna]

It will happen! It takes time. You have to learn to catch yourself. Right now, you catch yourself 4 hours, 37 minutes and 12 seconds later. Soon, you will catch yourself 2 hours, 16 minutes and 4 seconds later. Over time as you work on this, it will happen closer and closer to your session until you will find yourself catching yourself during the last comment your T makes before you leave the session and responding to it as you go out the door.