[Kiya]

....and i am out of coping methods. I have used 3 so far; 1 good, 2 really not so good. I did do yoga on my own today. my fave yoga instructor gave me copies of our yoga cds and since we had a sub i don't like today, i finally did the practice on my own - which did make me feel good. and then i turned right around and used a poor coping method even while doing an ongoing art project (aka good coping method #1). Time seems to be going slower ... and i am asking myself once again, how am i going to get through this? and why do i struggle so much? I don't understand. Furthermore, how am I going to get through August with her gone every other week?!?

What is it that makes the week WORSE when T is gone? And instead of being "just a session" missing, EVERY DAY is counted from the last session to the one 2 weeks away. I don't feel that it is "attachment" like "oh god I can't live without you" feeling.... but I can't put my finger on it.

Or maybe I can get close.... the Kiya that exists when T is around and i can see and call and see her stupid car in the clinic lot when I am there for all the other things, or hear her voice while I am in yoga and see her collect her next victim - uh patient... that Kiya dissapears as soon as T "leaves on vacation/training". Like the last session I see her. Kiya - that Kiya - leaves too. So it isn't that I need to hang on to T, maybe..., but that I need to hang on to the me that copes ok when T is around? I think i just confused myself....

[MissCharlotte]

((Kiya))

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I need to hang on to the me that copes ok when T is around?

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Yeah, that sounds about right!

Ideas:

I think you should paint a picture of all that you described in your post: T, her office bldg., her car in the lot and you in the picture.

I think you should journal.

What else have you done in the past?

Peace
xoxo

[Kiya]

trigger for mention of SI

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MissCharlotte said:
((Kiya))

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I need to hang on to the me that copes ok when T is around?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yeah, that sounds about right!

Ideas:

I think you should paint a picture of all that you described in your post: T, her office bldg., her car in the lot and you in the picture.

I think you should journal.

What else have you done in the past?

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...panicked... cut.... binged... no good??
I have been working on an art project of pictures that incoroprate what I am going through while she is gone... but that's really not helping me connect to coping well. that's just keeping me in the "process"... of suffering, i think.

I like your idea of those things... and in fact, when t is back next week, maybe i can take digital pics of the clinic, her car, and make a poster with her business card and ... and this is feeling really stupid some how.
How lame am I that I can't find the me that knows the woman after 8 months?

i can't show her this poster i am working on - i'd feel too lame. and how's that gonna make her feel knowing that after this next week she'll be gone again...

(((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))),

I'll be going through the T IN ABSENTIA phase the week after next. Believe me, I can definitely empathize!

Ummm, something to do . . . ?

1) Take Benedict shopping for clothes and buy the outfit that he is going to wear when you see your T the first time she is back? I hope you do this, I'm really looking forward to seeing a picture of him!

2) Think of what I'm going to do the week after next to not go into the depths of despair, LOL.

I'm not exactly full of ideas, but know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you well!

[Kiya]

(tryinig to think if i have any doll clothes that will fit Benedict)... T sees me for free, so I daren't spend money on him lol. i guess i could make him a paper hat... like a witch or a prince crown... and cape.

Soli- my T will be gone when your T will be gone, too.

Like Pink mentioned - I am trying to figure out if no t would be better than half t... cancelling my next 3 appointments over the next 6 weeks, or not.
If i tell her all this, she will probably have me see an interim T...and I don't want to see that person, I don't think. This descision shouldn't be this dificult - yet I can't seem to make it.

[MissCharlotte]

Oh ((Kiya)),

I don't think you are lame at all! I have been with T just about 2 years next month and I am also panicked that I can't hold onto him! It's okay. Keep trying. But do try and do some of these things now, rather than wait for her to get back. Try and sketch a picture from memory?

Be good to yourself.

[chaotic13]

Hang in there K

[Angel_of_the_Past]

We can hang together, my T has 10 more days till she's back.

[Kiya]

((((angel))))) arugh - i wish they didn't have to leave. In this day and age, they should be able to make clones of themselves identical in every way so that they can leave w/o ever us knowing and can get a nice long month break and we'd never know, never have an interrupt. and then when they got back, they could play the memory chip so they know exactly what went on (or just download it - what it takes all of 3o seconds??) and go on with full knowledge of the past month.

((((miss)))) can you believe I actually have cut out a picture of T and have it in my journal - and haven't looked at it at all? There's even a pic on the website of the clinic - and I don't have any connection to it. I tell ya - it isn't that she's missing... I'm the one missing - the me that connects to her and has been doing good self care for almost 4 months.

((((chaotic))))).... i'm hanging... and doing all kinds of poor care things. *drinks another rum and coke*. at 1pm.

[Simcha]

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Soliaree said:
(((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))),

I'll be going through the T IN ABSENTIA phase the week after next. Believe me, I can definitely empathize!

Ummm, something to do . . . ?

1) Take Benedict shopping for clothes and buy the outfit that he is going to wear when you see your T the first time she is back? I hope you do this, I'm really looking forward to seeing a picture of him!

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LOL That would be hilarious!

"My, haven't you and Benedict been busy..."
I would introduce him as your new boyfriend.

[Mouse_]

Kiya, we do whatever we think will work for us...next week is my last session for 4wks and this is my 4th summer break with T and its still dam hard, but I do think there is a stronger sense of "me" now then ever before..I have a sense of what I like even when T isnt here...I have developed different tastes in books over the 4yrs of therapy and when I miss T and turn to reading a book instead, I feel as if I'm attached to T through the pain of missing her and I am attached to me by the joy I get reading the book...if that makes sense? In the beginning I would have just spun and spun and not known my arse from my head...

[Kiya]

yes - that does make sense, mouse. i like the reading idea. i also do a lot of reading - but for me it has always been an escape. i am glad you are connected to t in that way.

i just called t's voicemail last night (soooo good to hear her funny, scratchy voice) and told her i am thinking about cancelling the 2 sessions in august because it is too hard to do this every other thing. i told her i'd think on it... but that i just may not be able to do it. she is totally out of phone range (in s. america) and won't even get the message til monday or tuesday. my appointment would be wed night. i am waivering. i don't like this descision i have to make. and i don't like not being able to make it.

[ECHOES]

(((( kiya ))))

I can hardly stand the time between sessions and breaks are even harder!!

About the decision... you can also call back and say, "Oh never mind, disregard my other message and see you Wed!!"

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Kiya ))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

i guess it would be better for me to go - talk things through with her before she leaves again. maybe she will have some ideas of what I can do in August. then like chaotic was saying i can talk with t about if i should not see her till sept. or not.
((((((((((((((((echoes))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((fuzzy)))))))))))))))))))

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Kiya said:
i guess it would be better for me to go

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I think it's probably always better to go...as hard as that is!

(((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))

[chaotic13]

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Kiya, said:
i told her i'd think on it... but that i just may not be able to do it.

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Kiya, Hmmmm now that was a smart move. You let her know what you are considering but gave yourself the option of changing your mind. Wish I had thought of that

Kiya it sounds to me like you really want to go to these sessions but are just anticipating the unbearableness of the later separation. I recommend going to the session you do have, collaborate on a plan, and then dealing with the separation on a day by day basis. Who knows one of these 2 sessions could be transformative and you might gain something that helps you handle the time off better.

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chaotic13 said:

Hmmmm now that was a smart move. You let her know what you are considering but gave yourself the option of changing your mind. Wish I had thought of that

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((((((((((((((((((((((((chaotic)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You still have the option of changing your mind. Can you give that to yourself? Even just ONE session with T to talk about all of this??

[Kiya]

Chaotic - i'm with EM on this, that's just what I was thinking. Can you make an appointment? =(

yeah - i haven't even cancelled yet... i just told her i was thinking about it. and you're right - it's not the appointment i am dreading, but reattaching to her and having to seprate again. as well as having to tell her about my poor coping skills.

((((((((((((chaotic, earthmama)))))))))))))