[velcro003]

( I have no idea if this would be a trigger or not...but I'll put one to be on the safe side)

If intimacy is an issue in your life, do you talk about it with your T? I can NOT imagine talking about anything sexual with my T, fantasies, certain alone-time activities, fear of things...etc. The only problem is, this is an issue in my life, but I am mortified to even think about talking about that stuff.

[MissCharlotte]

((Velcro))

I have discussed my sexuality with T but it took me well over a year before I even mentioned the word, and probably another six months before I brought it up again.

Take your time and speak when you feel comfortable. Believe me, they've heard it all before!

[Izzyparker]

I also find it difficult to bring up sexual issues with my therapist. I think it's human nature to find intimate discussions uncomfortable. Having said that, I do think therapists (good ones) handle the delicate conversations with ease, helping us to feel more comfortable. Think of it in terms of baby steps. Mention something small and work your way up to more and more difficult topics.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by velcro003

( I have no idea if this would be a trigger or not...but I'll put one to be on the safe side)

If intimacy is an issue in your life, do you talk about it with your T? I can NOT imagine talking about anything sexual with my T, fantasies, certain alone-time activities, fear of things...etc. The only problem is, this is an issue in my life, but I am mortified to even think about talking about that stuff.

This is one of the areas I DEFINITELY do NOT go into with my T, even though he's a guy and I'm sure he'd understand... but...

I don't think that everyone has issues with this area of life, but when I've had an issue with it in the past, I couldn't bring myself to discuss it with my T. It's really something I consider extremely private, and I want nothing misconstrued. I don't feel I need to discuss this area with my T either... it's something I consider personal.

[chaotic13]

No, that is probably why I'm still a total basket case a year and a half later. Baby steps...Try zygote!

[snowflakes]

((((((((velcro003))))))))

I think that there is nothing wrong or shameful in telling your T about it. Trust me, it will help you somehow relenting it to them. But only relent it to them if you think you are ready to tell it all. It all goes down to you in the end. ?If you feel like not doing it yet, then don't. Remember that a key to a successful therapy is the way you will connect to your T and your T to you as well. As for now, you should probably take it one step at a time.

Goodluck and Godbless!

snowy...

[velcro003]

Thanks guys!

Yeah, well I have so far avoided the topic of relationships (or lack therof) for quite some time now...and that is linked to sexuality and all of that, and I just don't want to go there. She asked me once if I had any fantasies, and I just stared at her blankly and was like "uhhh...no" and changed the subject.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( velcro )))))))))))))))))

I talk to my T about sex in a very limited way, it's an uncomfortable topic for me so I only share what really concerns me about sex. Like sex drive and that kind of stuff, my T is very gentle with me since she knows it is a hard topic.

[sunrise]

I have not talked much about it. I have talked about how hurtful it was to be married to a guy with such a low sex drive, who rarely wanted sex. And I've talked about how I felt alienated one time by T's talk of another couple he was working with, in which the guy wanted sex more frequently than the woman. This story made me feel aberrant, like this was the norm, that the husband always wants sex more than the wife. T just acted like it was so common when he told that story. I have frequently felt quite down when I hear that stereotype in the media (the wife with a headache, avoiding sex again, or whatever) or in jokes or from friends. I know my boss once joked to me about her H wanting sex and her being sleepy and just wanting to rollover, and say "not now, not again!" I just felt like wow, I have no idea what that "problem" feels like and I would give my eyeteeth to have a guy in bed with me who wanted to have sex! Anyway, T and I have explored that. T helped by telling me he works with a number of couples where the woman wants sex more frequently than the guy, so he helped normalize that for me. It just made me feel so bad to think here was just one more area where my relationship was aberrant, so it's good to know that the female-high-libido/male-low-libido is not uncommon for other couples too. We haven't talked about fantasies (of the sexual kind) or anything. I don't think that is relevant to my therapy at this time. I would be quite put off if out of the blue he said, "tell me your fantasies." I would think WTF, and how does this relate to anything?

I do remember another time telling T how I was upset that my H had revealed some of my past sexual history to my teenage girls, rather graphically, with me sitting right there. I was extremely uncomfortable with that and we explored that. I remember one thing my H told my girls was about my fling with a Greek sea captain, and T said, why would he tell them that? (He was thinking this was a fabrication, that sunny would not have a fling with a Greek sea captain.) Well, that was true, I said, and it was funny to catch T in thinking that I would not have done such a thing. His stereotype shattered!

I'm not sure even what the question means have you talked about sex with your T. Do the things I wrote count? Or do people talk about very graphic stuff?

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by velcro003

Thanks guys!

Yeah, well I have so far avoided the topic of relationships (or lack therof) for quite some time now...and that is linked to sexuality and all of that, and I just don't want to go there. She asked me once if I had any fantasies, and I just stared at her blankly and was like "uhhh...no" and changed the subject.

Holy crap velcro, your T actually ASKED if you had any FANTASIES??????

I'd be all sorts of freaked out to the extreme if my T asked me that. I don't even think if it matters if my T is a guy or would be a girl, any way you look at it, that question SUCKS!

If my T asked me that, I wouldn't be able to resist asking him in my own smartarse way if he had any fantasies he would like to share with me... LOL.

Yeah, I have no problem throwing back shite at my T if he overreaches.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I

I'm not sure even what the question means have you talked about sex with your T. Do the things I wrote count? Or do people talk about very graphic stuff?

Yeah, the things you wrote count! I was being deliberately vague in my question just to see the kind of responses I would get, since I just have no idea.

Originally Posted by Simcha

Holy crap velcro, your T actually ASKED if you had any FANTASIES??????

I'd be all sorts of freaked out to the extreme if my T asked me that. I don't even think if it matters if my T is a guy or would be a girl, any way you look at it, that question SUCKS!

If my T asked me that, I wouldn't be able to resist asking him in my own smartarse way if he had any fantasies he would like to share with me... LOL.

Yeah, I have no problem throwing back shite at my T if he overreaches.

Well, she didn't ask me totally randomly I was telling her how sometimes I think i'm asexual, and she goes "No, I don't think that...I think you can repress enough to shut it off, though. Do you have any fantasies?" To which I just looked at her uncomfortably and was like "uhh...no"

A big part of my issues is a total avoidance of relationships/sex. I'm almost 28 , never had sex, and haven't even tried dating in about 4 years..and haven't dated anyone at all in about 5ish...haven't dated anyone seriously in like...gulp....almost 9. AHHH.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I have not talked much about it. I have talked about how hurtful it was to be married to a guy with such a low sex drive, who rarely wanted sex. And I've talked about how I felt alienated one time by T's talk of another couple he was working with, in which the guy wanted sex more frequently than the woman. This story made me feel aberrant, like this was the norm, that the husband always wants sex more than the wife. T just acted like it was so common when he told that story. I have frequently felt quite down when I hear that stereotype in the media (the wife with a headache, avoiding sex again, or whatever) or in jokes or from friends. I know my boss once joked to me about her H wanting sex and her being sleepy and just wanting to rollover, and say "not now, not again!" I just felt like wow, I have no idea what that "problem" feels like and I would give my eyeteeth to have a guy in bed with me who wanted to have sex! Anyway, T and I have explored that. T helped by telling me he works with a number of couples where the woman wants sex more frequently than the guy, so he helped normalize that for me. It just made me feel so bad to think here was just one more area where my relationship was aberrant, so it's good to know that the female-high-libido/male-low-libido is not uncommon for other couples too. We haven't talked about fantasies (of the sexual kind) or anything. I don't think that is relevant to my therapy at this time. I would be quite put off if out of the blue he said, "tell me your fantasies." I would think WTF, and how does this relate to anything?

I do remember another time telling T how I was upset that my H had revealed some of my past sexual history to my teenage girls, rather graphically, with me sitting right there. I was extremely uncomfortable with that and we explored that. I remember one thing my H told my girls was about my fling with a Greek sea captain, and T said, why would he tell them that? (He was thinking this was a fabrication, that sunny would not have a fling with a Greek sea captain.) Well, that was true, I said, and it was funny to catch T in thinking that I would not have done such a thing. His stereotype shattered!

I'm not sure even what the question means have you talked about sex with your T. Do the things I wrote count? Or do people talk about very graphic stuff?

OYYYY
Yeah, I'm not ready to shatter my T's stereotype of me yet either.
If my significant other shared some private data about me to any hypothetical children I might have, I'd be PISSED OFF! That's such a violation of privacy and ALSO---not healthy for your kids to hear.

How did you handle your H after his "revelation" to your daughters? I hope you kicked his shins and made him sleep on the couch for a week.

My alcoholic dad used to share such "secrets" in graphic detail about my mother to me. It's NOT welcome news to hear, and I have no idea why they find the urge to share such secrets with their children.
Needless to say I don't talk with my father anymore.
Or my mother I guess... wow that sounds depressing!

Something to do with being more grown up than the parents are...
Wow I'm totally derailing here! WTF Happened?

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by velcro003

Yeah, the things you wrote count! I was being deliberately vague in my question just to see the kind of responses I would get, since I just have no idea.

Well, she didn't ask me totally randomly I was telling her how sometimes I think i'm asexual, and she goes "No, I don't think that...I think you can repress enough to shut it off, though. Do you have any fantasies?" To which I just looked at her uncomfortably and was like "uhh...no"

A big part of my issues is a total avoidance of relationships/sex. I'm almost 28 , never had sex, and haven't even tried dating in about 4 years..and haven't dated anyone at all in about 5ish...haven't dated anyone seriously in like...gulp....almost 9. AHHH.

Ahhhh okay.
Well I'd still feel really uncomfortable.

Do you have a specific reason behind your lack of desire to have a relationship? Don't go into details if you don't want. I just wanted to know if you had a history that was preventing you from now, or if it was a hormonal imbalance thing.

I have this cousin who has a low testosterone count... before he went to the doctor, his wife thought it was lack of desire. It was more like lack of hormones...

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Simcha

Wow I'm totally derailing here! WTF Happened?

Hmmmm, sex talk can do that to ya sometimes. Brings up all sorts of stuff. Or could it be you have ADHD?

I want to add that my fling with the Greek sea captain was before marriage. I never cheated on my H.

How did you handle your H after his "revelation" to your daughters? I hope you kicked his shins and made him sleep on the couch for a week.

I was pretty pissed off indeed. We were on vacation and already not sleeping together. But I went into his bedroom and told him I didn't like how he had told the girls that story (he had given yuck details), that I had shared that with him in confidence and it wasn't OK to repeat it to anybody, especially not our girls. He was not happy I was so adamant about this, as any dissent or criticism from me was not tolerated in our marriage, but hey, when you have decided to get divorced, you can speak your mind a bit more. The yucky thing was, when I was telling him this, he was acting like it was no big deal, like why are you getting so upset about this? He had his back to me and could hardly give me the time of day. He just sat there watching porn on his laptop. Nice way to spend the time while on vacation with his family, no?

My alcoholic dad used to share such "secrets" in graphic detail about my mother to me. It's NOT welcome news to hear, and I have no idea why they find the urge to share such secrets with their children.

It's a mystery to me too. I think he has no sense of what is appropriate, but also, I think that is a way to try to humiliate the spouse and communicate to the child how you have the upper hand in the relationship. Kind of a one upsmanship, whereas it just hurts the child. It's basically very self-centered: "me first, me first." Sorry you had to experience that, Simcha.

[dalila]

I have talked to my T about sex, since much of my abuse was sexual there didn't seem to be any real way to avoid it. It still is not that comfortable but seems to be necessary at times.

Chiming in on the other issue brought up here - my mother told me things about her relationship with my father... Why?!? She had already divorced him, what was the point to it?

[kim_johnson]

I thought it was a topic that I never would discuss with my therapist but I have talked to him about it once. When I got back from visiting my boyfriend and was going through a hard time with understanding why he didn't seem to want to have sex with me. I think... He was having some impotency issues... But I'm not 100% certain... But it made things hard because he denied it and I was left feeling like I wasn't sure whether it was that that was the problem and he just couldn't talk to me about it or whether there was something deeper with the problem such that we didn't have a future or whether I was simply imagining the whole thing.

I guess I read up on reasons (including psychological ones after trying a little dx test lol) and I wasn't feeling too badly about myself, though a little hurt. The conversation was okay... Though I probably came across as quite child-like... Just felt kinda awkward... Even though I brought the issue up. Definitely didn't look at him all session and really needed him to repeat his understanding since I really felt like I didn't know how to express.. It was kinda weird... I could talk to my girlfriend fairly okay about it. Not quite sure what the difference was. More probing questions, I guess.

[multipixie9]

I'm jumping in the middle of the conversation, but it is highly inappropriate for a parent to tell the children ANYthing about the other parent's sexual behavior or about the couple's sex-life. That is called "Emotional Incest". It elevates a child into the parents intimacy issues and that is wrong. The kind of talk that was mentioned has no healthy reason to exist. It sounds more like the parent has some kind of perverted motive in talking to his children this way and then to sit around viewing porn online when his wife is trying to talk to him. There's lots of unhealthy stuff going on there.

There are proper times and ways to discuss sexual issues with your kids - not that it is not still kinda awkward. There's just something about sex that is so private that most of us feel creepy talking to most other folks about it.

Then if you have the deep misfortune to be sexually abused it adds layers of complexity, pain, confusion, misery, shame.. and a whole lot more besides.

I do go to a same-gender T and she's an awesome person, but this subject is really hard and I buried some things so deep I'm surprised I ever recovered "the rest of the story". I feel very fortunate that my T is someone I can trust and that has to be THE most important quality in someone I would ever be able to share such private issues with. Lots of Trust!!!

[kim_johnson]

> it is highly inappropriate for a parent to tell the children ANYthing about the other parent's sexual behavior or about the couple's sex-life.

i think there could be exceptions to that (depending on the nature of the information and the way in which it is conveyed and for what reasons) but I do agree that this particular situation seems inappropriate.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Hmmmm, sex talk can do that to ya sometimes. Brings up all sorts of stuff. Or could it be you have ADHD?

I want to add that my fling with the Greek sea captain was before marriage. I never cheated on my H.

I was pretty pissed off indeed. We were on vacation and already not sleeping together. But I went into his bedroom and told him I didn't like how he had told the girls that story (he had given yuck details), that I had shared that with him in confidence and it wasn't OK to repeat it to anybody, especially not our girls. He was not happy I was so adamant about this, as any dissent or criticism from me was not tolerated in our marriage, but hey, when you have decided to get divorced, you can speak your mind a bit more. The yucky thing was, when I was telling him this, he was acting like it was no big deal, like why are you getting so upset about this? He had his back to me and could hardly give me the time of day. He just sat there watching porn on his laptop. Nice way to spend the time while on vacation with his family, no?

It's a mystery to me too. I think he has no sense of what is appropriate, but also, I think that is a way to try to humiliate the spouse and communicate to the child how you have the upper hand in the relationship. Kind of a one upsmanship, whereas it just hurts the child. It's basically very self-centered: "me first, me first." Sorry you had to experience that, Simcha.

I think your husband knew damn well what he was doing. His "what's the big deal" schtick is full of holes like swiss cheese.

They always know what they are doing. The watching porn on his laptop while discussing this with you is really just icing on the cake, and solidifies the fact even more that your H is the one who messed up in this situation, NOT you.

Really good points about the one-upmanship. It does actually sound like something my father would do (he actually is jealous over my mother's college degrees). He is a very jealous and bitter man, and I wish I could say that my mother was much better but...

We all have our secrets. Sexual stories are NEVER okay to share with your children, even when they are grown up. Sex is private. It's between two people and those two people only. I never was one to kiss and tell (so to speak), as there is a reason it's done in private and not in public.

Damn... I want to kick your H's shins now. Good thing he is X-H.

Oh yeah... it's the ADHD and the private discussion over sexual matters with T that are both huge derailers...
I never knew how mad this stuff could make me. Just a reminder I guess that parents don't always do the right thing, nor know what is best for their child.

Your H needs intensive therapy biweeky.

[Simcha]

After giving this some thought...

This thread was... triggering I guess is the word. Something I hadn't thought of much lately was this... and I think I need to talk to my T about it.

Talking to T doesn't CHANGE anything though... and it really just makes me want to tell both my father and mother to F off.

Is that something wrong with me?
Damn my T is going to have a field day.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Simcha

Damn... I want to kick your H's shins now. Good thing he is X-H.

I think I love you.

Talking to T doesn't CHANGE anything though... and it really just makes me want to tell both my father and mother to F off.

Is that something wrong with me?
Damn my T is going to have a field day.

Well, yeah, if they deserve to be told off, then do it. No, nothing wrong with you. Yes, your T will love it. Something inside of me broke recently, and all kinds of anger towards my H has come spilling out. I am much more willing to stand up for myself and not take s**t from him, as well as those who promote his agenda. My T says this could be one of the best things that ever happened to me. I don't know. I'm not sure I like myself better but I do feel more fiery. Yeah, field day. Definitely share with your T, Simcha.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I think I love you.

Well, yeah, if they deserve to be told off, then do it. No, nothing wrong with you. Yes, your T will love it. Something inside of me broke recently, and all kinds of anger towards my H has come spilling out. I am much more willing to stand up for myself and not take s**t from him, as well as those who promote his agenda. My T says this could be one of the best things that ever happened to me. I don't know. I'm not sure I like myself better but I do feel more fiery. Yeah, field day. Definitely share with your T, Simcha.

I thought you were already fiery? At least, that's my impression

I would also run your H over a few times if you would let me, but..meh. I will let karma have it's way with him, as it tends to do anyway.
Anything for you Sunny....

I'm really a scaredy cat when it comes to such things, but it's intriguing enough that I might just have to share with my T. It might make me feel better as long as I don't flip out on my T. Of course, my T would probably see that as progress...I can see him loving it...
I'm creeped out just thinking of discussing it, but I can't just let this thing control me now can I?

I'm all sorts of weirded out over this... I never thought this would be such a huge topic for me... ever have something like that happen Sunny?

Not much with my old T. I saw her for 2 years. It came up when we talked about relationships but I tried to get off the topic as quick as I could.
Relationships have come up again with my 2 current T's. I'm fairly more comfortable with one of the T's moreso then the other and I kind of wish she'd bring it up. It's an incredibly uncomfortable thing for me but there are issues that need to be worked on and I'd much rather she bring it up then I do.

Yes, I have talked about sex with T.

I think I had sort of hinted about some sexual abuse in my past early in therapy, but hadn't gone farther than that. One day (this was VERY early in therapy - like in first few weeks, I'd guess) T started telling me out of the blue about a book he was reading called something like "God and Sex" and started going into what it was about (it actually IS about God and sex....). I was kind of sitting there, half-dissociated, shocked that this was happening, when T said something that make me snap out of it and say "that happened to ME" - it was such a weird thing that he said and it was like a page out of my past. And that opened a lot of stuff up.

I have often wondered about that conversation. T rarely tells me about things he is reading, etc. I kind of think it was his way of pointing out "look, we can talk about sex here, I'll go first to show you". It sort of "normalized" the topic, and was probably the beginning of my "real" therapy in some ways.

T was also the first person to swear in session. I was shocked when he tossed out a bad word (around the same time as the above) - but thrilled. It totally relaxed me, and told me "we don't have to be all formal here - if we need to, we can use whatever words we want".

T is so smart

[Brian37]

75% of my therapy sessions end up about sex or marriage...unfortunately I was terminated by my first therapist for "too much sex talk"

I have a female therapist and she is very open to sexual discussion in my opinion...It's one of the 3 basic needs to sustain life, so why shouldnt it be part of your therapy