I know "needing T" is controversial right now, please be nice.

I had a very scary medical test today. Well, the test wasn't scary, but the possible outcome is VERY scary. H is scared too, and I can't talk to him about it, because his fear scares me...so I tell him "I'm SURE I am fine, don't borrow trouble, etc" because I can't handle him being scared. So I can't tell him I am scared. It's nothing contagious, he's just scared for me and scared of losing me. Ugh. I have no idea if this is making any sense.

During the day I am okay, but things seems scarier at night. T is on break. I did send an e-mail and asked him to respond if he is anywhere near a computer, but I seriously doubt he will check his e-mail. AND I don't know what kind of break this is, because we didn't discuss it. Like, is this a "I'm totally not available" break, or a "I'm not in the office, but available if you need me" break? I will be SURE to always ask in the future, because it would sure be nice to know right now.

I am almost on the verge of panic, honestly. I'm shaking and my heart is racing. I don't know how to calm myself down. The possibility of this test being positive feels very real and very scary. There are really valid reasons to worry that the results of this test will be positive...and then I don't know what will happen, but it will be bad.

I'm so vague, I'm sorry.

Anyhow, I REALLY NEED T. I need to be able to tell someone what is going on without them freaking out and getting scared too. I know T will worry, but he will be okay. I've told my friends what is going on in a very lighthearted kind of way, because I can't handle their fear.

I don't know what I even want in the way of replies. I guess I just wanted to tell people who understand how much T would be a real help to me right now.

[sunrise]

Earthmama, I'm glad you were able to reach out to your T and send an email. I hope he will be checking his emails and be able to respond. Would it help at all to contact Teacher T?

I am sending you good vibes and thoughts and all the positive energy I can.... And hoping that the test shows you are indeed healthy.

[ECHOES]

Earthmama, I hope he does pick up his email soon and will respond so you'll feel better.

[MINIME]

how about we protest outside his house until he calls you? ((HUG)) im sorry you feel so scared you can Pm me if u want i dont freak out easily.

[missboots]

Earthmama, I am sorry you are in this fear! I know what it is like waiting for results like a MRI and it is so scary. I Prayed and beged GOD to please let me live to raise my son who I was Pregnant with at that time. All went well and I was cleared. I know how scary you can let your mind wonder! I also lost a son at 2 hours old and my hubby kept telling everything will be ok(When I was Pregnant with him) Well everything wasn't! So when ever my kids get the flu or sick I panic and hubby says every thing will be ok I DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! I do know it is so hard and I will put you in my prayers!Hugs

[chaotic13]

I know what you mean about not being able to talk about the fact that you are scared with your H. It's nice that you can do it with your T. I think I hate "getting" the tests more than waiting for the results. I hope your T calls you back so you can talk with him about what your feeling, without getting other family members upset. The best you can do is assume that all test results are negative for whatever pathology. I like to live is this disconnected bliss when dealing with medical testing.

[lifelesstraveled]

((((EM)))))) I am sorry you are in not in a good place right now and freaking out. I know how it feels to be waiting on lab results....it's excruciating! I hope everything works out for you...And I hope T calls you very very sooon!

Thanks to everyone for responding.

I am literally in tears right now. I tried making myself some chai tea and cinnamon toast and got myself a warm blanket....thinking maybe "self-care" would help...but I think it's just making me feel more alone. I can't even swallow the stupid toast.

This sucks. Fear, sadness, loneliness...I feel horrible. And I still can't stop shaking.

ugh

[e_sort]

thinking of you em.. sorry I don't have anything useful to say but I do understand what you mean about not being able to talk about your own fears because you can't deal with the fear that that creates in others. it's a really hard position to be in.

[lifelesstraveled]

(((((EM)))))

[coconut64]

Waiting for my best friend's breast biopsy results was so hard. It was so difficult for me, I just can't imagine what it was like for her. For a few months afterwards I would check myself everytime I got in the shower. I hope I never have to go through that. IDK why it takes them days to get the results!

((((((((((((((((((EM))))))))))))))) Please continue to share your feelings with us. When do you get the results? I really, really hope it is nothing. I know it is hard but try not to get ahead of yourself.

[phoenix7]

(((Earthmama))) I hope you dont have to wait long for your results and i wil keep my fingers crossed that it comes out ok - i am so sorry that you are feeling alone - we are here and we are NOT afraid - sending you all the and hope I can muster

and as to nedding T - I think that makes you human and aware of what you need to help you - it's a good thing I hope T gets back to you soon or I will be with MINIME outside his house protesting ! LOL

Deep calming breaths, think of things that make you smile, times that made you laugh, drink a strong coffee or have some chocolate - it's good for the seratonin levels thats my excuse or just crawl under tha blankets and try to sleep if you can.. I'll be thinking of you P7

[MissCharlotte]

(((earthmama))))

Not so good in the morale dept. right now, but take care of yourself, okay?

Hey there... I can imagine what you are going through. I remember the day my dad died-- it was Labor Day-- and although I left a message for T, I couldn't reach him because he was away. His cell phone was off. It is a very alone feeling, even when you know he's there for you. I just wanted to let you know I understand... I'm thinking of you, and I am hoping you are okay. Keep us updated.

(((earthmama)))

i'm so sorry you are going thru this and i do understand. you never think it could happen to you - i certainly never thought i'd have to have a mri to see if i had a (benign) brain tumor. i didn't have a tumor but was actually depressed when i found out as it would have solved my health issues with a surgery that wasn't that invasive, lol.

i hope there is someone you can talk to about this. well, we're here. i will pray for you for much peace during the waiting and clean results.

[imapatient]

Is he part of a practice? Are there others that you can contact for help or to get them to contact him so he gets in touch with you asap? In my city, there's a place that's open to anyone (sliding scale to $zero) to come in when they're in need where T's do pro-bono--you get from amongst whoever is there that day/night, but it's helped me. Anything like that? A prior T you can consult in your urgency?

[deliquesce]

earthmama, i understand.

last year i had a cancer scare. my GP told me there was a strong chance i had cancer. my pdoc got worried and said there was a strong chance i had cancer. i got referred to a specialist and they did surgery on me within a week because they were scared i might have cancer also.

thankfully, everything was clear. doc's dont know what it was that was wrong with me, but it wasn't cancer .

but T was the only person who remained calm in all of this and encouraged me to persevere. i could laughingly tell my friends... but i made it into a joke about the procedure. i didnt tell my family. it went on for eleven months.

without T i couldn't have done it. so i understand you needing T. i hope he gets back to you soon.

[kim_johnson]

sometimes... when i'm feeling very alone and trying to do the self care thing and it doesn't feel like it is working... i visualize t. whatever about them that helps the most. for me it is his voice and some kind of nebulous secure presence. some mental pictures of him leaning forwards listening intently. in tune with my hurt feelings. do you have any memories or visualizations that you can call up to sit with you right now? sometimes... conversations, too. sometimes i imagine me just talking to him... or sometimes what i think he might say (though i don't feel i know him well enough for that). mostly just him leaning forward feeling my pain alongside me. sometimes i imagine him holding me, too. not that he does that in person... but sometimes this kinda stuff helps me feel a little less alone with things. hang in there.

[dalila]

Have you worked on any self calming exercises? Like deep breathing or visualizations? Do you journal or draw? Now is the time to pull any transitional things your T might have given/lent to you.

I hate waiting on results for medical tests. I will be praying that it works out well for you.

[SpottedOwl]

((((((earthmama))))))

I don't know if this will help, but I sometimes play a mental game with myself when I'm freaking out about something.

I tell myself that nothing is different than it was a week before, or a day before. The only difference is the knowledge that I took a test and I'm waiting for the results. I am still the same person who is lovable and beautiful and deserves to be happy. I choose to remember the person I was before the test, and remind myself that I will be the same person once the results come in.

Many warm and healing thoughts headed your way.

(((((((((((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks so much. I really feel better today. I think I must have needed to feel that fear last night - to sort of face the worst case scenario. Today, I'm just waiting for results.

My life is so busy, thankfully, so I don't have a lot of time during the day to worry. Of course, the sun is still up and my boys are still awake right now...who knows how I'll be feeling in a few hours??

The support here REALLY HELPED, especially last night when I was losing it.

Spotted Owl, I liked what you said about being the same person that I was before the test. That's how I got through my son's autism diagnosis - he was the SAME PERSON before and after the diagnosis - the diagnosis just gave us a little more information about how we can help him and what his needs are...

Thanks, PC

Update: T just e-mailed. It helped a lot. In his he e-mail he said "we will find a way to walk through this". "we" feels better than "me". I see him Monday night. whew.

[MissCharlotte]

Originally Posted by earthmama

Update: T just e-mailed. It helped a lot. In his he e-mail he said "we will find a way to walk through this". "we" feels better than "me". I see him Monday night. whew.

OMG there is nothing like the we to ease anxiety.

(((((((((EM)))))))))

(((((((Earthmama)))))))))),
I'm so glad that T got in touch with you. You are in my thoughts. I'm here if you need me. Love you lots! I miss you, too! Let us know how you are.

[sunrise]

The "we"! So powerful. I am so glad you have him, EM.