[coconut64]

T told me today that he gets fustrated and sad because I cannot connect. I keep pushing him away, it has gotten pretty intense lately. To the point when I'm constantly saying that I want to leave the session, even though I don't. T said he is sad I won't accept his help. T said that not everyone is like my father. T said he is not giving up on me.

I'm heartbroken that I do that to T and to everyone else in my life.

I try but I guess the pain and the fear is too much.

I'm sad too. I want to disapear.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by coconut64

T told me today that he gets fustrated and sad because I cannot connect.

I keep pushing him away,

it has gotten pretty intense lately.

Hmmmmmmmm, do you feel pressured by him?

[hangingon]

Coconut,
Thats the great thing about therapy, we are allowed all these emotions.
I had that talk with my old T, how I feel this huge wall up between us and that I can't connect. I cried when I had told her that because more than anything I wanted to connect, but at the same time I was scared to death to for fear of abandonment. It's a constant battle between the two with me and it can be very, very overwhelming.

I love that your T said he is not going to give up on you. Your T can handle it, its going to take time and patience on your part. Try to be gentle with yourself.


Hangingon

[ECHOES]

coconut I wonder if he put this out there not for judgement, but for awareness. And right behind that was his reassurance that he isn't giving up on you . It sounds like he is attempting to let you know that it's okay to connect, that he is open to it and looking forward to a deeper connection, and that he is there and will be there. It sounds like possibly he is aware of your dissatisfaction and fear about connecting and was looking for a way to soothe that, and encourage and reassure you.

Can you let this be just an awareness with no judgement attached so you might be open to exploring it more?

[peaches100]

Coconut,

Your t understands your fear of connection and wants to help you feel safe enough to connect with him. But it takes time. For me, it has taken a very, very long time to even begin connecting. Give yourself time. It takes as long as it takes. Your feeling of safety is of the most importance.

[peaches100]

I'm heartbroken that I do that to T

Coconut,

You are not doing anything terrible to t by not being able to connect. T has likely known other patients with trust issues. The sadness he feels is not something bad you are making him feel. It's not. . . "Coconut is making me horrible and sad because he won't connect with me," but instead. . ."I feel sad for Coconut because I can see how painful and scary it must be to try to connect."

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by coconut64

T said that not everyone is like my father. T said he is not giving up on me.

((((((((((((((( coconut )))))))))))))))

you're not alone. Hang on, keep going, jpretty soon the clouds will break. Yr T has a lot of tools to help, but the handle end is to you... of course that's easy for me to say, we may be in the same space right now, but if so, at least here's company for you

[Mouse_]

Sounds like you are wanting your T to withstand your pushing him away and hoping that instead of him keep going on about that, you;d rather him say, no matter how much you push me away, I'm not going anywhere, hence your feeling you want to leave session, you wanting him to "keep you there", even though you are pushing away...I'd feel he needs to get past this obsticle and "take charge"??? Perhaps???

(((Coco))),
You have not chosen this path. It is your job to find the way out=) This takes a lot of patience and compassion for yourself. You will find a way around this!! Let us know how it goes.

[MissCharlotte]

((Coconut))

I agree with all these good and kind words. There is a part of you that is very frightened and you are protecting yourself by not connecting. I think that sometimes that protection gets out of control. It certainly did for me, making it a really long time before T and I truly connected and I felt safe in his office.

T said he is not giving up on me.

This is the absolute best! He is giving you permission to take as long as you need to feel safe. So, now you can't give up on you either!

Take gentle care.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((coconut))))))))))))))))))))))))

I agree with what others have said....T understands how scary it is for you to connect, he feels sad that you have to feel that way, and he is going to be patient and will be there when you are ready.

It was very, very, very hard for me to trust my T. I was POSITIVE that something horrible would happen if I allowed myself to open up, be vulnerable, and connect with him. It was literally terrifying. T was so, so, so, so patient. He waited until I was ready, and I finally did start taking baby steps towards connecting.

Now I feel safe, and wouldn't trade the connection for anything. It wasn't easy.

Be gentle with you. Breathe. You will make it through this...don't beat yourself up for being scared. It's okay, and understandable, and you are already taking baby steps just by showing up. Give yourself the time and understanding that T is giving you.

[coconut64]

Thank you all for your supoort and encouragement. I told T early this week that work is the only thing I know how to do right, he said he didn't agree. Then he tells me this, yes I know he is not giving up, but the reality is that I'm so f*** up. I just want to quit everything.

[MissCharlotte]

(((Coconut))),

You are not ****ed up. You have internalized the negative messages that other ****ed up people gave you. You are MARVELOUS!

[chaotic13]

I feel really bad sometimes because my T always seems ready and willing to listen, but I continue to play the push--pull game. If she is upset by this she doesn't show it. I think your T was just trying to let you know he cared. Thank God my T has never said she was frustrated with me. I would really be affected by that if she did.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I feel really bad sometimes because my T always seems ready and willing to listen, but I continue to play the push--pull game. .....

Oh! C13.... I don't think it's a game. I think it is evidence of a deep need to draw closer, and a deep need to flee. at least it is with me.
Some others besides T have experienced this from me and yes after a while I sense they may feel it's a game and may resent it a great deal; this makes me so sad, because I can't seem to help it - it's no game but is very real in me - but there's no way I can tell them what I know.... it is very painful.

Hi coconut,

I think I get what you are going through, because I feel like doing the same thing, I want to quit everything. I am trying to trust my T, but when you have burned it is hard to trust that the pan is cool and not hot.

It sounds like your T just needs to be patient with you ,you will be ready when you are ready, it isn't something you can force.

[chaotic13]

SAWE, your right it's not a game that I volunarily play. But when I set back and observe my actions, I can see where others (untrained and unaware) might feel like I'm playing games with them. Although...after my last T communication...I have no idea how much I've actually communicated, hopefully my T appreciates what's going on and doesn't get frustrated by it.

[coconut64]

I don't want to go back to T...I can't do it and plus now there is the extra pressure that he gets fustrated and sad for me. I didn't want to know that.

Thanks everyone.

[MissCharlotte]

Coconut,
T gets frustrated and sad for you because he is feeling along with you. I think you should tell T how frightened and alienated his statements makes you feel. It could be because this is a new experience for you...someone feeling along with you. I know it has been new for me and I can't tell you how many times--when T expressed feelings with me--I interpreted it as a negative experience. It felt so intense and I immediately pushed back because it seemed intrusive and I felt that somehow I was doing something wrong.Now I am learning that this is how we can begin to feel validated and integrated. I didn't know that because I didn't have this experience as a child. I just keep telling T to slow down when I need to.

((((((((((((((Coconut))))))))))))

Hope this helps somehow.

[hangingon]

Coconut,
I understand how hard it is to try and open up. Your doing your best, and I am sure you already beat yourself up over the fact that you can't be more open with him.
Can you email your T and tell him how you feel about his comment?
I am sure he never meant it to come out that way to you. I had to do that with my T once and she kept apologizing saying that was not how she meant it at all, even before leaving she asked if we were ok, speaking of the relationship, It was not 100 percent back to normal at that point but it did get back on track after a little time.

I know its scary, but you can do it.


Hangingon

[coconut64]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

Coconut,
T gets frustrated and sad for you because he is feeling along with you. I think you should tell T how frightened and alienated his statements makes you feel. It could be because this is a new experience for you...someone feeling along with you. I know it has been new for me and I can't tell you how many times--when T expressed feelings with me--I interpreted it as a negative experience. It felt so intense and I immediately pushed back because it seemed intrusive and I felt that somehow I was doing something wrong.Now I am learning that this is how we can begin to feel validated and integrated. I didn't know that because I didn't have this experience as a child. I just keep telling T to slow down when I need to.

((((((((((((((Coconut))))))))))))

Hope this helps somehow.

MC...thank you for your replies. I have an appointment tomorrow. I really don't want to go but I'll try to. I just don't know what to tell T. I'm very discouraged, depressed, I have been seeing him since 2007, that's a long time and to hear that I cannot connect. I know it's true, that's what it hurts so bad. Maybe I just can't do therapy Maybe I'm not capable of the level of intimacy required.

[coconut64]

Originally Posted by hangingon

Coconut,
I understand how hard it is to try and open up. Your doing your best, and I am sure you already beat yourself up over the fact that you can't be more open with him.
Can you email your T and tell him how you feel about his comment?
I am sure he never meant it to come out that way to you. I had to do that with my T once and she kept apologizing saying that was not how she meant it at all, even before leaving she asked if we were ok, speaking of the relationship, It was not 100 percent back to normal at that point but it did get back on track after a little time.

I know its scary, but you can do it.


Hangingon

((((((((((((((Hanginon))))))))))))))) That's the problem that maybe I just can't do it.

[hangingon]

Coconut,
There is no time frame to trusting. My T has been very good about stating that to me, we all do it in our own time.
I really think your T probably meant it in a whole different context. Wanting that for you and wishing he could say the right words something but I imagine it wasnt to push you.
Please tell us how it goes. Maybe you can write him a letter to read with your thoughts on his comment if you have no strength to come out and say it.
Sending you

Hangingon

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by coconut64

MC...thank you for your replies. I have an appointment tomorrow. I really don't want to go but I'll try to. I just don't know what to tell T. I'm very discouraged, depressed, I have been seeing him since 2007, that's a long time and to hear that I cannot connect. I know it's true, that's what it hurts so bad. Maybe I just can't do therapy Maybe I'm not capable of the level of intimacy required.

Coconut-

It's not that you CAN'T CONNECT---it's just that you haven't reached that level of comfort YET. It is in the cards for your future. Don't give up on yourself.