[rainbow8]

I just got home. I chose to talk about issues other than my feelings about her. It was productive, and I don't regret it. I did tell her that I still felt attached, but I was all right, and that I wanted to call her much sooner, but I got through it. I didn't die from my feelings. Then I went on to discuss my other issues. She gave me some good suggestions and ideas.

My therapy is not psychodynamic. My T focuses on solutions, not my feelings, though she validated some of mine today. It's not til I left that I felt like crying.

All my fantasies about her are just that--fantasies. I know that, but I still want to cry for the little girl inside of me who wanted her to take care of me. Those needs get triggered in therapy. Maybe I will call her back and ask what to do. I asked if I can still call her and she said, "Have I ever not talked to you on the phone?" She always does, though sometimes it's briefer than other times.

Maybe it's better to just end therapy and not have sessions "as needed." I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle it this way. My T thinks I am.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((Rainbow)))))))))))))))))

I'm glad you got some of your feelings validated, but it sounds so painful to have your needs triggered at the same time.

Maybe I missed it in another thread, but why can't you have regular weekly sessions?

I agree that it would be hard to have random sessions as needed....it seems like to get the most out of therapy it helps to have it consistently...although if you are having fantasies about your T I suppose seeing her weekly might be a problem too.

Sorry I don't have better advice for you.....but I wanted to let you know I read your post and I care.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, ktgirl. I've been in therapy for many years with different Ts. I "terminated" therapy with my current T about a year ago, after 6 years. I was very attached to her, but she felt that we accomplished a lot, and that it was time to end therapy. She usually doesn't see people for that many years. We tapered off gradually, and because I couldn't stand the thought of never seeing her, she said I could come "as needed" or just to touch base.

Due to financial reasons as well as attachment reasons (My H lost his job and my T was not under his insurance anyway) I can see her about every 3 or 4 months. That's hard, but not as hard as knowing I will never see her again. I agree that it's a difficult position to be in.

I'm doing better with the fantasies. I always wanted her to give me what she couldn't, but in her own way she gave me love. I will have that forever. I don't know what else I can do. After my last session, 4 months ago, I was all right. This time I had too much to talk about, so it's a bit unfinished. Maybe because they are ongoing issues for me, and I'm feeling a little down right now. Not enough to need regular therapy again, though.

It's hard not to miss seeing my T every week, or even every 2 weeks. Maybe I will just have to spend the money in a month to see her again. But I'm not sure if I just want to feel that intimate connection with her again, or if I want more help. I just can never figure that one out.

[rainbow8]

I want to call her but I don't know what I want to say.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I want to call her but I don't know what I want to say.

I feel like this after I see my T. And actually, we have it set up so I DO call after each session.

I'm not sure what it's all about, actually - that need to connect after I see him. I JUST SAW HIM. But after I connect with him, I'm pretty much okay until I see him again (but I see him 2x/week). That feeling of "I need to call" goes away. Maybe it's an attachment thing...wanting to know they still exist after we walk out the door?? (just thinking out loud, because I have NO idea).

I'm glad you saw her today, but I'm really sorry it triggered those old needs. I wonder what she would say if you asked her about it? If you told her how you felt after seeing her? Maybe the two of you could come up with a solution to help you feel better (Hey! there's a reason to call! I'm REALLY good at coming up with those)

(((((((((((((((((((rainbow))))))))))))))))))) Be extra gentle with yourself tonight...

[rainbow8]

((((((tree))))))

Thank you! I used to have to call my T after every session. Sometimes I'd still be on her street but I'd be immobolized. I've come a long way since those days. Other times, I'd wait until I got home, but I just needed that connection again. I don't know exactly why either. It's nice that your T sets it up that you call her afterwards.

In the past when I called in distress after a session, she would tell me to get involved with something emotional, or just try to do whatever I needed to do. Daily life. Usually I didn't feel better until the next day. I don't know why. My T knew I always had trouble leaving her. She did tell me once that every time I leave it's like an abandonment, even though she's NOT abandoning me, it feels like she is. So maybe that's the reason we feel like calling right after a session.

I didn't call her yet, and the urgency is gone for now. I will see how I feel tomorrow. I was trying to figure out what I wished I could say to her, and it came down to "I want you to tell me you love me." But I wouldn't say that. I would probably substitute "care about me" for love. I know she cares about me, but after an "adult" session, I want a little of that nurturing. Sometimes the session is "good enough" but sometimes I need more. My T has her limits and boundaries, but she will tell me that she cares about me.

Also, we didn't "finish" anything, and I brought up too much. That was frustrating, but I just have to work on these things by myself. The other option is to find a T covered by insurance, but I really, really do not want to start therapy again with anyone else.

[phoenix7]

Im sorry you got triggered today - I wish I could give more than these - but this evening they are all I have to give - feel better soon

[Brightheart]

I suppose it would depend on why you went to see her and whether it was helpful or not. Did you go to see her just to see her or did you want help with difficulties you were having? Or maybe both?

I have trouble bearing the thought of never seeing my T again either. He's given me the privilege to call and say hello or even come by his office to say hello. I can also write him updates as long as I don't do it too frequently. This limited contact would really be to check in and let him know how I am. So no more sessions with him, but I don't feel like I really need that from him any longer either. I'd just like to see him now and then...and he seems to be okay with that in a very limited fashion.

How are you feeling today about all of this?

[mixedup_emotions]

I feel such pain from your post. That longing for a type of affection.....

[rainbow8]

Phoenix: Thank you; I like
Bether: I saw her just to see her AND because I wanted help with problems. I'm been feeling a little depressed, which magnifies all of my issues! Or maybe the issues are causing the depression. If I won the lottery, I'd stay in therapy forever but I don't know if I need it or not. I got 67 on the Sanity Test, so that's pretty normal. It's just hard for me to let go of my T. A former T said we all have issues until we die! That doesn't mean we have to be in therapy to work on them.

I told my H I wanted to see her in a month instead of 3 or 4 and he got angry. It's not just the money, though that's a major reason, but also that he thinks I just want to "be with her." He wants me to talk to him instead. Which would be a good thing to have more intimacy with him, but it's hard. I try.

mixed_up: I've always had this hole to fill up, and my Ts have said they can't fill it up. Only I can do that. I always crave affection and validation. I have trouble loving and validating myself, though I know I can't depend on others for that. Other people fail me. I can't depend on my T anymore, though I've internalized her caring/love for me. I'm a grandma. You'd think I'd have this figured out by now, huh? I appreciate your concern greatly.

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow

I'm glad your session went well. I can understand all too well how therapy triggers unmet needs. It is so hard when we have those needs that nobody can seem to meet for us, even our t's. I think you've done so well, though, in transitioning from regular therapy to just occasional check-ins. You're stronger than you think!

It's possible that you'll feel those unmet needs every time you have a therapy session. You'll want to consider whether struggling with those feelings is worth having the session. It depends alot on how much you get out of it. It sounds like you had alot to talk about and that it was helpful for you.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Peaches. But I'm not sure how helpful it was. Sigh.....I wish I could have more sessions. It's not like loving myself and rejection and all that stuff is new. I've talked about it for years. I'm just blocking out on what to do.

My T gives me advice, and I don't always take it. She said I should do more of the things I like to do, like work more, or volunteer. But I'm exhausted already. I don't know. I feel like I'm at loose ends. Having a cold/virus doesn't help matters, either. Maybe it would be better not to see her, but I CAN'T. You know how that is!!! I don't want her advice as much as I want HER. But that's not entirely true either. I don't even know the truth, or maybe I don't want to face it?

[Brightheart]

Do you have many friends, Rainbow, outside of therapy? Answer only if you're comfortable answering.

I think you and I are very similar... My H wants me to talk to him too and I am trying to work on that with him to make things better. But you know what? I think we need friends too and people around us with common interests. I've come to realize that my T and I shared an interest in psychology and human behavior and philosophizing about deep things that H and I don't share. So I suppose now I'm coming here to meet some of that need. Maybe try surrounding yourself with a lot of people and opening yourself up to new friendships and relationships. That's what I've been doing since I left therapy. I also try to remembering the intense, close and loving feelings that I felt for my therapist as a positive feeling. It's partly longing, yes, but in the end I want to give the joy the power. Focus on the caring and the love and not the loss. I still feel connected to T and carry the things that he taught me with me every day. So in some sense it really isn't about what you've lost, but what you've gained. Keep trying.