How to deal with my depressed mother?

We just don't know how to deal with my mother....It looks like she has sever depression and the combination of her depression and her controling attitudes are driving everybody crazy....
She's here visiting, but she's so unhappy and any word and anything make her feel worse and she says stuff that makes everybody unhappy...by everybody I ment my two sisters and me!
I feel horrible for her and for all of us, but it's really hard to deal with her...she was always very difficult person....fighting over everything, not managing her anger and slapping people on their faces....even very easily she physically abuses people....I think if she was living here, she would have ended up in the prison really....she used to beat us when we were kids and even through our teenage life....
Truely, now that I'm 36, I think my mom is a total abuser and if she can't abuse or control anybody, she gets into depression....
I found it so hard to love her...each time I see her, I get so much anxiety and butterfly in my stomach and interesting talking to my older sister, she is telling me the same....my older sister is here visiting too....but she doesn't have a good time with all the stuff mom is doing....
I feel like a total jerk for not wanting my own mom, but it's so difficult to deal with her....She gets angry so quickly, and tells stuff that nobody wants to here it....not even single day that we can be with her, and she doesn't get angry!
Sometimes, I think my mom is a total crazy person....
If I want to write about her and her crazy behaviour, I got to write a book!!!
Just right now, she called me concerning about my older sister who want to drive 6 hours to another city with her two little kids....I told my mom, you can't change her mind and she's 40 years old and kids are her responsibilites....my mom got pissed at me and hung up on me....that's who she is...wanting to control everybody and now that we are adult and she can't do it anymore, she can't stand with us....
Another thing that she does constantly is that she's telling my younger sister how fat is her husband and how lazy he is....OMG...I can't believe my mom is telling these stuff to my sister who truely loves her husband....I keep telling mom that my sister and my brother in law love each other so much and he's a smart guy....but I'm afraid that mom make her to get divorce from him....another thing that she tells me is that I don't need to fall in love and get married....I just have to find a guy and get married....I told her "why?"....I don't need a guy to feed me or put shelter on my head or wear me clothes then why should I get married with somebody that I don't love??? then she gets pissed and not thinking to me for a while....
sorry guys for nagging too much, but if I don't write it here, then who should I go to....
I'm complaining about my own blood...my own mother...how sad and ugly it is...I feel so guilty about writing the whole things even here....
thanks again for reading
Marjan

Marjan,
This is a tough situation for you, and I'm so sorry you are going through it.

It's hard not to feel guilty whenever we talk about family members; especially so if it's a parent.
Many of us tend to feel that we shouldn't talk about hurtful things that our parent did to us in the past...and what they still do to us.

Is her visit going to be a short one? If so perhaps you can just do the best you can until she leaves?
If she is going to be there for while then you may want to think about setting boundaries with her. You have every right to do this; because she is your mother it does not make it all right for her to be abusive toward you and your siblings.
It's going to be tough with her being so abusive, but you have to protect yourself.

If she gets angry when you/your sisters tell her No
or when you ask her to stop doing something...it's her problem. Allowing her to continue abusing you only makes it easier for her...
If all of you are consistent in what you are saying and doing about your mother, it can be of tremendous help.

Just my opinion but she cannot make you get married or make your sister divorce her husband...
Don't give her that kind of power to control your lives.

I understand how difficult it is to stand up for yourself when you are used to taking her abuse all through your childhood.
If you want to be happy and have peace in your life, please consider counseling to help you work through your feelings.

You are a worthwhile human being and deserve to be shown respect...
Best wishes to you in finding your way through this rough time.

In Peace,
Catherine

Thanks Catherine for your reply....

Yes, it is a though situation and I hate to not want to be with her...I try my best to respect her and do stuff that makes her happy....but it's really difficult....
anyway, she's my mother and I can't change her...I just wanted to write it down...It's so frustrating....
When I was a child, I was thinking all parents are like this....but as I grow up, I found out I'm totally wrong....I was always embarassed by her behaviour...being so agressive always...
Thanks again
M.

M,
Please remember to take care of yourself...
In Peace,
Catherine

((((((((((((((((((((Marjan)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marjan, why do you think your mother is depressed? It sounds like she is being a butthead, just like she always has been. Could you be ascribing "depression" to her to make yourself feel less guilty for not being able to stand her behavior?

It is completely understandable that your find your mother unpleasant to be around. Don't feel guilty for that.

I agree with Catherine that you need to set some boundaries. Give your mother rewards and punishments for respecting or not respecting your boundaries. Studies have shown that this reward/punishment system works very well at behavior modification, and even if she is depressed, she can learn to respect boundaries. For starters, lay down the law: she doesn't get to visit you if she does X, Y, and Z (gets angry, yells, hits you, calls you names, does hateful things--whatever you find objectionable). Make sure she understands before she comes to stay. If she slips up, give her one more chance, and if she does it again, show her the door, explaining firmly that you cannot tolerate the way she treats you, especially in your own home and that you will welcome her back when she has learned to control her behavior. Perhaps it would be good to start with a short visit at first rather than an overnight. Give her a chance to go a couple of hours without messing up so as to get some success. Her "reward" is getting to spend time with you, talk with you, share a meal, etc.

Regarding her phone conversations with you about your sister, your sister's husband, your sister's outings with her kids, etc.: tell her you do not wish to gossip any more about your sister and that if she can't say anything nice about your sister, then you'd rather not hear it. Tell her that if she disagrees with your sister's actions, she should tell her sister directly, that you personally have no control over your sister, so there is no point in telling you. Then change the topic to something neutral, like the weather, gardening, sports, etc.

If she wants to talk about your personal life and you don't, again, set a boundary. Tell her your romantic life is off limits for conversation and change the topic. Don't encourage her by asking her questions about her opinions of you and your marital status as you did here: "I told her "why?"....I don't need a guy to feed me or put shelter on my head..." That just feeds her desire to give you obnoxious advice and try to control you. Refuse to engage in these conversations. Just don't answer and change the topic. If she doesn't get the message, remind her that you are no longer talking to her about that topic.

Don't feel guilty, marjan. It is time for you to take control of the relationship with your mom and stop the abuse. She will keep on doing it if you and your siblings let her get away with it. When you were a child, you didn't have the power to do that. But you do now. Apparently, you have something she wants (she likes to visit you? she likes to talk to you?), so use that as leverage. She doesn't get those things if she behaves badly.

If you do think she is depressed, talk to her about it, and see if she knows. Ask her what she is doing about it. Encourage her to eat right, get fresh air and exercise, and sufficient sleep. Ask her if she needs help finding a counselor for therapy, or a doctor for anti-depressants.

Are you seeing a therapist, by the way? I think a therapist could provide support to you as you deal with your mom, and help you work through old "mom issues" from your childhood too. Your therapist can also help you learn to set boundaries.

Good luck. It's hard as an adult to learn for the first time to set boundaries, but it can be done. (I am still quite bad at it, but much better than a couple of years ago.)

She told my sister that she's been on anti-depression pills, but she stopped it. Also, She really doesn't have anybody because of her controling/angry behaviour. Most of her sisters and her neices and nephews are not talking to her. I do have close friendship with some of my nieces. That was one of the boundries that I set. She doesn't want me to talk to them!

It's so hard for me to accept this part. I was raised to respect my parents and to love them unconditionally. That's my culture. They have taught us if we don't follow and respect our parents, then we go to hell directly....it sounds funny, but that has been registered in my brain badly. For example, yesterday she was around my home and I wanted to go to my dance class. Then I told her on the phone, if she wants I can come and pick her up. She said "no"....then I had this guilt feelings of being selfish to not want being with her. when I went to the class and I saw my ex-bf flirting with a new girl and I think she was more than a new girl. So, then I thought probably my mom is not happy with me that's why I'm having a bad time here in the class!
Then all the way coming back home I was thinking about it. Thinking that probably I am the bad person....
Always, when something bad has happened to any of us (my sisters and I). My mom would say that "oh...because I was so mad at you that's why this thing has happened to you!!!!

Oh, I told her so many times that if she disagrees with them, she should tell them directly....but my mom is getting pissed and starts making our life like a total hell....This is her style...talk behind each of us to the other one....sometimes, I want to sit her down and tell her how much she made our life misrable....my older sister told me that mom is totally denying that she has ever beat us up....OMG...there wasn't even one day that we didn't get beated...how is possible that she forgot!!!!

I'm not seeing a therapist now, but I used to go to the therapist....It didn't really help me that much....now, I mostly try to read self-help books and work on myself...but I'm such a mess once it gets to the relationship...that's why I'm still single at the age of 36...I can't hold on into any relationships....I think when the person is damaged from childhood, it's hard to fix herself....I'm so jealous at my friends who are married and have kids and I can't understand how they can do that....why I can't!

Thanks again....I think I will seek for more help and I will contact a therapist tonight most likely....my work is providing some free consuling sessions....I'm feeling so sad today, I think it's mostly because of both combination of guilt feelings of not wanting my mom around and my ex-boyfriend issue...

OMG....I'm here with my mom....she's driving me crazy....just complaining about each of us....she's too much really....
I told her that it's not her business anymore what my sisters are doing....they are adults....my older sister is almost 40!
she's too much....gosh....
just wanted to tell somebody.....

((marjan))
This is so tough, and I'm sorry you are going through it.

I understand about the cultural differences, but putting boundaries on an abusive parent is essential for everyone.
Culture, income level, or anything else has to be firmly overcome if there is to be any expectation of being shown respect.
It's something many of us have in common--setting those boundaries despite our fears.

Best wishes
Catherine

((((((Marjan)))))) your mother is a truly crazy person who can't see beyond her own needs and wants. Stop trying to get water from a stone. You could try telling her that if she doesn't have anything nice to say when she calls, you would rather she not call until she can think of something nice or positive to talk about. Keep your conversations with her short.

Then what should I do with the constant guilt feelings and anxiety that she's causing us....yesterday, she told me "you think I don't know none of you want me here"...I said "why do you say that?"...then I told her..."you are always angry"...she uses very bad words against my American brother-in-low who is the sweetest guy ever....of course, I told her I don't want to hear anything....and she got so mad...she said I can't say any of these stuff to anybody....
Yesterday, I thought she's a total crazy person....she was complaining why we don't have bigger homes and more money and why we haven't taken her anywhere....anywhere we are taking her she doesn't like!
I feel like a **** for not wanting to be with her....
Yesterday, I put a funny movie and for 90 minutes she was kinda quiet!
My dad was suppose to come and visit us....now she made him against of us and he's not comming....I miss my dad so much and he's 70 years old with heart problem....he's so kind and I'm always wonder how he managed living with my mom....he told us that his life was like a hell with her, but no choice...living with her because of kids....I told him, but we don't need this misrable life!!!! I don't think I've ever learnt how to act in a relationship....sometimes when I'm in a relationship, I feel I'm like my mom and I hate myself....my older sister is telling me the same....she tells me that she hates when all of a sudden she's getting mad at her kids and beating them like the way that mom was doing....
yes...very difficult to change the patern that we learnt!

thanks again

Thanks pam for your reply....well...she's my mother, what can I do? I can't really abounden her from my life...specially that she doesn't have anybody...I'm just so happy that I'm not living in my country with her, because she could continue her abuse more over there!
She has damaged us badly, mostly me and my older sister....my younger sister is 8 years younger than me and mom wasn't that stricked with her!
I'm going to take her out shopping on Saturday....god bliss me dealing with her tempare and attidudes....she doesn't like me that much because I don't like gossibing with her!
Yesterday, I found out she gave money to both my sisters...ha...very interesting...it just slipt out of her mouth!
anyway...she doesn't want to stay longer and she wants to leave....it's just so sad that she's not happy at all...and she's leaving us like this...I wish she could understand it...
she's complaining about our life and she doesn't see that lots of people are out of jobs and doing worse than us even!

thanks again for your support
M.

marjan, it sounds like you have tried to set some boundaries with your mother by telling her that she can't talk that way with you, etc. But when she ignores the boundaries you have tried to set, you do nothing. There are no consequences for her to ignoring your boundaries, so she does what she wants. If she breaks your rules, she has to have a negative consequence, or else she will continue to walk all over you and make your life hell. Try to make very clear to her the boundary you are setting and the consequence for not following it. Perhaps just start with one thing (e.g. she is not allowed to badmouth your sister to you). If she starts doing it, interrupt her immediately and remind her about the boundary. If she persists, carry out the consequence (hang up the phone, show her out the door--whatever you have established). Be firm with her, marjan, or you will see no improvement at all in her behavior.

If you want to see any progress, you can't let things like "I feel guilty" stand in your way. Do you want to be held hostage by her abusive behavior forever? Which is stronger in you, the desire to not be abused by her or your wish to not feel guilty? When you are ready to chose the first one, then you will be ready to set consequences. If your desire to avoid guilt or a desire to be "respectful" (respectful = tolerating abuse?) is holding you back, I think you are going to be stuck with her mistreatment for a long time.

Don't let your mother interfere with your relationship with your father. After your mother has left, invite your father to come for a visit. Your father doesn't want to cross paths with your mother anyway, so why can't he come?

TS

Do you believe that? Sounds kind of self-serving to me. You're an adult now--can you see through this?

Sounds like you have identified your own "magical thinking"--good job. Remember, you are an adult now, you don't have to continue to subscribe to your mother's warped thinking. Don't you think that she told you those fairy tales in part to have control over you?

She does that because you let her. If there are no consequences to her actions, she is not going to suddenly change on her own one day.

Marjan, I hope you can find the teeth to start holding your mother accountable for her actions. If you need a therapist's help to be able to do this, then go for it! I have found having a therapist in my life has been so helpful in many ways, including learning to set and maintain boundaries.

Don't give up. You deserve a life free of abuse.

Thanks sunrise for taking time and replying to my thread....
well...yesterday, she called me and she wanted me to go and take her out shopping...I did...she was going to talk about my sister again...and I told her, this is her life and they are adult and they know what to do....and I don't like to talk about them really....then she didn't talk about them at all...I learnt that if she gossibs and I don't really reply, then she will stop it....
we went for shopping and then I took her to a good restaurant and I paid....I feel compasion towards her, and feel bad that she's so misrable and making everybody against of herself and she doesn't even realize it...
She's leaving next Sunday....and this weekend, I'm taking her out again...I'm going to pick her up tonight and spend the weekend with her....I hope lord helps me to not having any kind of problems with her....I try my best....
She likes to shop and I'm taking her, although I hate shopping...besides, she always get disappeared and I have to go around and find her...she never tells you where she goes...too much!
Anyway....my dad called me the other day and I talked to him and I told him all the stuff...He said that's not a new story and he said he knows all about her and how she turns people against of herself....My dad said he will scheduale a trip here in begining of October and will stay with me....
I feel more comfortable now that I'm taking some actions and not letting people specially my mom to rule on me....
I didn't go to my dance class either, because I didn't want to see my ex-boyfriend....I found out, I'm better off without him completely....he's a total loser and I don't need him....I need to move on and for me to move on, I need to forget all about him....so, it's better to not go to the places that he goes....another friend of mine gave me lots of different places to go and dance....so, I will try those places and I go....then when I get emotionally settle down, I will get back to my dance class....I feel stronget this way....he can go and flirt and pick up as many girls as he wants....I'm out!
thanks again for being supportive and for encouraging me to see the other side of the story....

Marjan