can your ex become your friend?

That's good to hear. I don't see anything wrong with being friends if it was a nasty breakup. Though I have no real personal experience to share as I have never been married. Overall I think that you are doing the right thing though. If he has never hurt you before (mentally/emotionally) and you still care about him, being friends is better than nothing at all. It will be hard for you at first (as you mentioned) but it will start to get easier. Plus as long as you guys are comfortable with one another, you can always share with him your feelings if/when you decide to seek out another relationship.

I think that is going to be the hardest part (for both of us). For the time being we are going to stick to just 'general' conversations i think. As much as I think I'd like (but hate) knowing that it was easy/hard for him to replace me right now I know that neither of us is activly looking for someone to have a realtionship with - not fair to the other person that we would get involved with I think.
I know it will happen... probably him first as he's had two months to relaise it's over, where as it's still a little fresh for me i think. Not even sure where to start when it comes to meeting new people etc. Figure if it's meant to be it will happen

Can't say that I'm not hoping that he will have fling and realise that he does still love me but needed space after 5 years of really only spending time with each other. If he's in my future then that's great but for the time being am going to concentrate on ME

Everyone is so wonderful here - good advice, support and it help me get through the day!

I was kind of wondering the same thing. He could potentially do that, which might help cause he'd realize that you are all he wants. Yet--It's bad for you in a way because it seems like an unfaithful thing to do. But either way, That's good that you are going to focus on yourself. Here's a good quote for thought, "Don't let someone become your everything while you are their nothing". (Or something very close to that).

In my opinion, the answer to the question depends entirely upon the motivation for keeping the relationship. If one or both of you are just staying in touch hoping, wishing to become reunited then no, a friendship is not possible at this time. Until you're able to establish some healthy boundaries a friendship is not possible and one of you (sounds like you in this case) is going to get hurt every time.

Being friends depends on a lot of things.....I think AAAAA has said it well...if you are using the friendship to cling onto hope of getting back together....then no, it isn't a good idea.

I have had a strange marriage. 34 years ago just before I got married, I realized that I didn't want to get married to him.....attitudes & other issues just rubbed me wrong.....but I listened to my mother because he was a nice person & he is a nice person......but his childish attitudes never grew up......his ability to be a truly responsible husband never matured. He never cheated, so it had nothing to do with that. His attitudes about credit, spending & his lack of taking on true responsibility other than holding down a job (his career) drove the relationship into huge fights. It got to the point where the marriage was nothing but a business partnership as I had my own career that I was focused on....his thinking & mine at the time was that we could have more together than separate (that was his thinking that I seemed to go along with).

I lost my career, & the need for him to be responsible became even more important & he refused to rise to the occasion...instead, he dug us deeper into debt & I became suicidal.....it was a basic nightmare period of my life that I don't remember much of.

Five years ago, my mother died of cancer....I sold her house & moved across the country.....at first, it wasn't with the intention of really leaving him, but when I did leave & I had the time to spend away from him & sort out my thoughts, I realized that I had never really loved him. The things that irritated me before we were married had created a disrespect that made it impossible for me to love him.....& everything along the years only made it worse as he never did change the things that my Mother said he would when he "grew up".

I look back & see that I really lost the values I had before I got married also......I really lost the ME that I was.....All the things he said that I was so uncooperative about were just me trying to stand up for the values I had lost.....with his spending & use of credit & being so into monitary items....I got caught up into that too & I realized that I wasn't happy in that life style.....but I kept living that way.....my fights with her were bad enough let alone if I had added all that to the fights also. His irresponsible ways just kept getting worse & not better on top of it.

After leaving & clearing my mind from the anger/rage I felt toward him, I was finally able to realize that I went into the marriage not loving him....it wasn't something that was lost.

Who knows what you husband will realize or if he will ever be able to communicate it to you. I have been able to tell my husband what I feel......we will never be able to get divorced because if the debt & the financial mess we are in......but it's a sure thing, I will never go back to living with him either.....there were too many times when I felt that because I was married, that trust should be part of it & he failed every time I trusted him for anything....my only answer to not trusting him is to never be around him so I don't get caught into that trust thing I always felt should be part of a marriage.

Maybe some years down the road, you ex will be able to tell you why the love went away.....or maybe that there was something that made the love not be there really from the start.

Hanging on wishing that he might come back.....definitely not a good reason to stay friends. It sounds like you need to find yourself......who knows, maybe he felt that after you got married you lost being who you were before you got married. (not suggesting that this is really the case, just throwing out a thought from what I experienced happened to me).

Nothing in a relationship is easy.....I understand the concept of decoupling.....as there is that feeling of depending on the other person while being married & loosing that person to depend on & having to completely depend on yourself isn't an easy thing to do without help.

Wishing you the best with your future.....it's a good time to learn your boundaries, to learn to depend on no one but yourself. It's a good time to grow & mature & learn who you really are.....this can be a very good thing really.....I know I have never been happier in my life than now that I left my husband. Getting a strong sense of being able to take care of myself & my life is really very fulfilling....more so than marriage ever was.

Best wishes,
Debbie

One thing that I do know is that it wasn't a sham for the past five years.... the love was real as I know that no one can for Mark to do anything he doesn't want.

I am too emotionally attached, you are right... i know he's going to call me tonight and I just don't even know if I should take the call.....I'm scared of losing him from my life completly but at the same time I don't want to hold on to friendship just because it's better than nothing at all.

Over time I think that we will grow apart naturally...

New bump in the road!
He rang me, just to say 'hi'. We ended up talking for about 20 minutes I guess. It ended with him wanting to catch up tomorrow night..... How am I meant to ease back on the contact when this happens?? I do want to be his friend (and more which is impossible right now). I feel if I don't aswer his calls and see him then everything will just dissolve into nothing.

Any advice on how to act/be when I see him tomorrow night... it's only been a week since I last saw him, yes I'm in a better frame of mind and all that, suprisingly calm right now (he has the effect on me)...

What's the best way to keep his slight interest in me aswell as just staying friends?

Hmm...I don't want to give any wrong advice. But I would act like your okay with being friends and nothing more. Try not to be too flirty with him. It might be hard not to, but its worth a shot. If you 'act' like your content being friends, he might change his mind and come back to you, thinking that you might actually want to move on with your life without him. (Again, just my opinion)

Also, You mention you aren't sure about taking his calls, fearful if you don't there won't be anything left. What you can do is answer and ask if you can call him back in a couple minutes. That could perk his curiousity as to what you are doing. (Sorry if any of this sounds confusing in any way)

But on the other hand, that is good that you are calm right now and in a better state of mind. Keep us posted on how things go tonight.

Hi,

Thank you for posting. I'm still not %100 sure that I'll go tonight. I do have the option to back out and just tell him that I need a 'raincheck'.
At the moment I'm sort of excited to see him - not the emotions that I want to convey to him. I know he's just holding out the hand of friendship. I wasn't intending to see him until there was a REAL reason, such as signing the house paperwork etc.
It's a hard choice to make, keep the distance and hope that he starts to miss me or continue to try and be friends and see what develops..
I love your opinions btw - it's all what is going through my head and make perfect sense to me...it's nice to hear it from a person that is unbiased and looking at it from the outside.

Thanks BeautifullyMistaken

Ok latest update.... Went up to the house at around 7pm, I'd gven myself an hour max to see him (just giving myself some boundaries). It was 'nice', general chatter and I picked up some clothes that I needed for the weekend (my 30th!!).
To say that it was wierd is putting it mildly.. can't really explain it. I didn't expect fireworks but it was simply blah I guess.
I asked why he asked me to come up and he said he just wanted to see me. He's hard to read right now plus he was tired and stressed about work.
We are going to catch up again - I suggested dinner or coffee - anything not to be just in the familiar setting where if feels like I should be still with him.
Am not unhappy with tonight, it's a stepping stone to something - friendship for sure, there was just no love in the air.
Need to fnd the spark again, it may happen it may not. All in the hands of fate now. I'm doing my bit to put it into motion and he is too.
Really it's probably too soon for all of this, e hasn't really had a chance to miss me really, just miss my company a little I think.

Any idle thoughts out there? Give me an opinion.

Glad to hear your night went fairly well. That's true...That he hasn't had time to miss you. But once you both get busy and don't get a chance to see one another much, that will make the time you do spend together even more engaging. *Happy early birthday*

I made a huge mistake yesterday!
After seeing Mark I decided to take the day off and get quotes for the new shower screen (need it replaced before I rent the house out). Long story short - he had a friend stay over and when I went up to the house I hit the roof..... It's a girl from work, she's always fighting with her BF and Mark has been friends with her for sometime... She needed somewhere to unwind and he said well come up here blah bah...
I accused him of having a relationship with her and that it was the true reason we broke up etc...
We fought on the phone on and off for hours. I was a complete mess and a totally maniac.
I believe him when he says that they are not involved - I do know him well enough to know when he's lying but I just can't get it out of my head. He said that he finds it easy to be around her because she doesn't really know me, where as all his other mates know me well and like me lots.

I'm still looking for reasons I guess - it's true there really isn't a reason and if there was now that we argue (never done that before!) if there was a reason then it would have come out by now in anger.

I went to the shrink appt. in the afternoon and I just cried the whole time. I don't think I had really cried enough before - always in the hope that we would get back together I guess.
John (the shrink) says that I need to cut all contact with Mark. This makes me soooooo sad but I do see the point to it. If I really want friendship then I have to have space to stop hoping for the impossible.

I finally asked Mark what he had learnt since all of this happened. He said he learnt that he shouldn't be in a relationship EVER because if he could do this to me when he did love me and ruin my life he never wants to do it again. That actually makes me even sader.

I txt mark telling him last night that I couldn't have any contact with him anymore....He rang me and we talked for about 30 minutes. I cried the entire time, I didn't bother to stay composed or any of the other things that I had been doing, I just let it all out.
He doesn't want to cut contact with me - that makes him sad too - I just don't know how I can do it to be honest. Am so sad, scared and lonely right now. I expressed all my fears, that after I'm emotionally more stable what if he just doesn't want to be my friend etc.
He said no matter when (time wise) I'm ready to speak with him he WILL always answer the phone and want to see me. He wants friendship more than anything else in the world right now.
He expressed sadness at the thought of not being able to check that I'm doing okay etc...

I know that this is the right thing, that I need to get back on track emotionally and stop hoping for things to change over night. One day at a time is the only way to approach it. I managed 3 days last week of not having contact with him - and I felt strong. But it seemed more of my choice back then. Now that I have told him too it feels so much like the END.
I suppose there has to be an END before we can START a friendship.

I just love him so much and I can't believe that it has all turned out this way.

I can't cope right now. I don't want to go on anti-depressants really but it's looking like a choice that I may have to look into, the doc had asked me when I saw him last but I wanted to be able to do this on my own.... Now I just feel like curling up in a corner and crying so hard...

Rational side says to let it all out but am at work and have a job to do so can't. May have a good cry when I get home... Hopefully it will help.

Sorry for the long post but I needed to get it off my chest. Mum is away atm and my friends are sick to death of Mark talk....

Next shrink appt. not until the 16th - so far away

I used to have a poster when I was a teenager that said "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it does not, it never was."

It sounds very much like this relationship has taken a turn toward toxic. One of you has to care enough about yourself or the other person to just cut off ties. If he knows how much it upsets you having him in your life (on his terms) and does not care enough about your mental health to say good bye, I wonder about his character.

You can put it in a box and wrap it with a pretty bow, but what it sound like to me is he wants the benefits of your relationship without the drawbacks. He's free to dabble with you then do whatever else he wants... which would be fine if you were both in a place to handle that type of relationship. It doesn't sound like you are.

I think he does trully care about me... just isn't in love with me. I am trying so hard to be strong but it's all just a mess. I do question his motives of being my friend... And I question my own.

The main problem I have right now is that he's still living in the house (I'm not) so I don't want it to turn horrible.

I am going to set him free - if he comes back then that's wonderful. I just don't think I can continue like this. How can he want to 'help' me through it when he's the cause of it... Yes guilt - I questioned him on that and he said the main factor was that he cares, secondary to that was the guilt he feels for doing this to me...

I just don't understand love just stopping.... and I don't think I ever will..

I think of love like a living breathing thing. If you don't feed it and care for it, it dies like anything else.

Dear MM,
I have read each of your posts. And I truly feel your heart wrentching story & I empathize w/ you. You mention this whole scenario turning out "horrible". But maybe it doesn't have to. You have a lot of Power here. Perhaps by the choices you make this doesn't have to be so disasterous after all.

All the Best,
Holmes

Deer M M,

Is a (any) relationship with you Mark going to be
helpful or harmful to you?



Holmes

Hi MM,
I responded earlier to this post when you were in a more peaceful place. I shared with you my experience and told you that you're going to go through a myriad of emotions before you can ever reach the 'friends' stage. When it 1st happened to me, my emotions were too raw to jump right into be frinds - I didn't want to be friends at that moment -he was my enemy.

It's very normal to compare the emotions you are and will be feeling - like being on a wild roller coaster ride - where you'll feel many different emotions. One moment you'll feel so angry, the next moment you feel compassion for him. You're also searching for a reason why the marriage failed. Hearing he's just not 'in love' isn't good enough - your mind and heart needs more understanding than that. It's almost impossible to go from being husband/wife to being instant friends - yes you can be civil. In order to be friends you/ex need to work through your own emotions together and separately. Some former couples can never be friends- they just don't have the emotional maturity.

I think you need to take a break for now and just communicate in a civil manner for only necessary things. You need to heal the hurt in your heart before you can become friends. I understand how hard it is when you realize your partner does love you anymore. I hope your journey won't be as painful as mine was.

I just found out that the lady/girl that he is 'friends' with is now his GF... He says he loves her...WTF??!!

He insists it didn't start until after we broke up - possibly true, don't see him going to couples counselling if he really intended to more straight on...

I went up to the house at 2am this morning (Perth time).. she was there and he finally told me the truth...
This was what he really wanted to see me for on Monday but chickened out...Says he didn't want to hurt me again...

I am ANGRY but now that ALL hope in my heart is gone I can finally begin to heal!

The one issue I see is that she and him are living at the house.. Major issue to me but if I kick him out I lose in the fact that the house will be vacant...and that all the paper work is not yet done.

Have given him a date of the 18th to be out by....

Wow---I'm sorry to hear that! Did he say how long they've been dating? Cause if I recall correctly, you guys separated recently. (Odd he can 'love' someone after such a short time). All you can do is put your foot down re: the date to be out. You seem very well on your way to recovering though. I hope you feel better.

they have known each other for about a year... guess in the last 3 months they have been 'close' but wouldn't say they were together... Now they are. It may not be 'love' but he says it is. Time frame wise, if I am to believe him, they started getting closer on around the 16th of November and it went from there... Weird part about it of course is that we has sex after that... Bet she doesn't know about it.

She's younger, opposite in looks to me but seems to be a similar personality from what I can tell.... Well more my personality from 5 years ago rather than now...

I have asked for my screen name to be changed... so look out for it.. hoping either Belle1979 or Bellee1979...

You are so nice and kind. Thank you for being there for me.

Ohh, Okay. Did you ever meet her since they've known each other for a year? I'm not a fan of the word "love" myself. I never say it to anyone unless I really mean it. I think that word gets thrown around to much.

Just my opinion--But maybe they were dating when you to were intimate with one another which would explain why she doesn't know. Either way though, he shouldn't come to you for sex if he wants distance (or another relationship), unless of course you wanted it either way. Have you two discussed just being friends anymore, or is that out of the question now? If you still have feelings for him, that will obviously make it more difficult. But if you don't have the same feelings for him, or they subside, he might be a person you can go to for advice once you start dating again since he seems to know you inside and out.

I'll keep a lookout for your name change. (You can add me once you get it changed if you like). Not a problem....Everyone needs some sort of emotional support, so I'm glad to be here.

Wasn't he having sex with you a week ago? He sounds like a run of the mill jackass to me.

Hi all,

yep we had sex on the 21st.. now know he had taken her out to dinner the 17th.. She doesn't know - i asked him and he said he wasn't going to tell her. Seems to me that he has become a very good liar... Never used to be.

So from my point of view they stated 'really' seeing each other on or around the 16th... Then am assuming she went up to the house last week as well... I was doing the no contact thing so didn't go up there really.
Think she has only stayed at the house this week... Monday night onwards.

Before that think it was more an emotional affair of sorts - he stated working closely with her... started to become attached and as he felt more for her he felt less for me.... He says that's not true but it has to be something like that.

Strangely at least I have an answer/result which helps me move forward a bit.

It was a text message that he sent t her saying 'I love you baby'... that got me. When I asked if he loved her he said I care about her... I said do you love her and he said 'yes'.

I asked if he actually loved me for the past 5 years and he said Yes he did... but what he feels for her is 'different'.... Am putting it down to early stages of love/lust....butterflies in the tummy etc.. Who knows maybe he has found his soul mate and it was just meant to be...

I think he actually believes that he does love her, but trully I don't think you can go 5 years with someone and then just fall 'in love' with someone else... At least I never did. I thought I could and tried it, it was a re-bound relationship that did last 2 years through the thought of not wanting to be alone...

Any opinions out there?

Yes if he was seeing her and had sex with me I am shocked and disappointed with him... it was a side of him that didn't think existed to be honest.

He satill says he wants to be friends... right now I hate all of the lies he told me for the past two weeks so it seems impossible. Its like I just don't know him anymore. Who knows what the future holds... Once he moves out of the house we can see what happens.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but it seems to me he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Imo I think the best thing is just leave him alone. I know you love him and it's very hard. You deserve so much more then this. I think that it's good that your making him move out. AAAAA said it right he's a jackass. I'm sorry for your pain.