[beachgirl42]

Good morning everyone. I'm new here and looking for a little advice.

Boyfriend and I have known each other for 33 years. Dated once 20 years ago and recently started dating again. Now living together. Here's my issue. I have noticed recently that bf, when on the internet, will close out his webpages when I come in or near the computer room. I've noticed this about 4 or 5 times over the past month or so. Well, my curiosity got the better of me and I decided to check where he'd been online. He had cleared his history but not his temporary internet files. Low and behold I found that he has been looking at webpages for Russian "escorts" and dating services. He has had a thing for Russian girls and his ex-wife is Russian. Unfortunately she used him to get into this country, got knocked up by someone else and eventually left him. His fascination with Russian girls, especially in light of his past experience, has always bothered me a bit.

Last night I decided to mention to him that I knew what he'd been looking at...naked pictures of these Russian models, etc. He went ballistic. Was mad at me for checking up on him. I told him that it made me feel horrible and that it was like a slap in the face. He seemed totally unconcerned about my feelings. He tried to keep pushing it back on me as if it was my fault. He said I could have just come to him and asked him why he was closing out the pages every time I got near. Okay, so the fact that he deleted his history, as it pertained to those pages, am I supposed to believe I would get an honest answer? He said that he always clears his history but, in fact, it's only those pages that he clears daily. It irritates me that he would be looking at these in the first place but makes me even more mad that he would do this when I was in the house. I realize that I was being sneaky in a way but then again so is he.

He has always been my closest friend and I would always go to him with anything that was happening in my life. My life has always been an open book for him. I feel that his doing this and intentionally hiding it, or trying to hide it, is unacceptable.

My last marriage ended when I finally couldn't put up with the fact that my husband of 12 years had cheated on me for a third time. I guess that relationship has caused me to be a little more suspicious of people. That is something that I am working on and was doing well with until this little situation presented itself. I just thought that with my bf knowing my past and what it did to me might make him a little more cautious with my feelings. I understand that he is angry that I "checked up" on him but what about my feelings about what he has done. Do they not count?

Please let me know your thoughts.

[salukigirl]

First off, welcome to PC and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I have always had an issue with porn in general. I feel like it's degrading and terrible. So my story is about my ex. We had a computer room and our mouse had broke. So we were waiting on the new one to arrive and, when it did, I plugged it in and started messing around making sure it worked. Well it turned out that he had been getting on the computer with the broken mouse (because he knew I wouldn't use it) and had a ton of porn sites up.

I was bawling my eyes out that he would go to such lengths to hide this from me. Not only did he go there, but he intentionally used a computer that he knew I couldn't get on and went through the process of opening all this stuff without a mouse!

The difference is that, when I called him and told him I knew, he didn't get defensive. He actually came home apologizing like crazy. I'm not sure if that's just due to personalities or the fact that this was over the phone and then he came home or what.

I understand that it's not just the fact that he's looking, but the fact that he is intentionally lying about it. Have you explained that fact to him? I found that, when I was overbearing about it, it made them just want it more and lie to me more.

So my current boyfriend, I joke about porn and his porn magazines I have found even though it does kind of bother me. But since I have been so open about it, his magazines have been gathering dust in the corner of the garage. He actually came to me and asked if he could have a few pictures of me because looking at porn when I'm away at a conference makes him feel bad!

So do you feel that you give off this idea that he would be in trouble if you found out? If so, then I can understand why he would feel the need to lie or hide it. But the main thing is can you talk about it? If you can't have open communication about both of your feelings and put everything out on the table, then there are other issues here. Do you feel in your gut that he would cheat on you? All guys need their own thing to themselves. Whether it's a guys night every week, his own 'man cave', porn......they need something to feel independent and like they have control over their own lives (women need the same thing). So if you guys are attached at the hip and constantly together....maybe he needs some space? Maybe he feels smothered and doesn't know how else to express this? It's really hard to tell without knowing you both but hopefully you guys can have an open conversation about it.

My bf really likes older women and kind of 'punk' girls. Every magazine he has is over 40 or MILFs or tattooed girls. And I'm the first girl he has ever dated younger than him. So if I put the fact that he has a thing for older girls with his exes....it would drive me crazy. You need to realize that it's nothing to do with you.

[Leed]

Hi Beachgirl ~ Welcome! I'm afraid I have to agree with YOU. We have enough in the media and on TV to contend with that makes us feel "less than" without our men looking at these gorgeous babes online too. It makes us feel undesirable, ugly, fat, "less than" and every other adjective you can think of.

My "ex" used to have tons of Playboy magazines, and it made me feel terrible. Of course I didn't look like those babes ~ I tried losing weight and I did ~ but I still didn't "look" like them. Maybe if I had a face transplant, I might add up, but there was no way I could compare. Naturally that's not what broke up the marriage, but it sure didn't help. We broke up before the internet.

My dear second husband was NOT into porn, or even Playboy, bless his heart. He made me feel like I was good enough for him.

Since your husband is hiding this stuff on the internet, he KNOWS how you feel about it and doesn't seem to care! That would upset me too. And why shouldn't you wonder why he's hiding something? Wouldn't he look too if everytime HE came into the room, you closed out a page? He'd go looking too! He'd be just as suspicious as you were. I don't blame you for being upset and hurt. We wives have had to take a back seat to these "babes" for years ~ if our husbands want one of them, go GET one. I'd like to see them catch one!!! LOL God bless you and take care. My prayers are with you. Hugs, Lee

I had a similar experience, I went out but came home early (unexpected) and couldn't get an answer at the front door so went around the back to let myself in. Hubby was looking at porn on the internet and froze when he saw me ! I couldn't help myself I burst out into laughter.

His face was a picture. We had a talk and I pointed out to him I didnt so much mind him looking it was the fact it was a secret that really bugged me.

So we came to a deal....

He can look as often as he likes however if I ask if he has been on one of the sites he is to tell me the truth. (so far he has I can check even if he deletes lol)

I think its each to his/her own regarding how it affects them. To me its not such a big deal as the chances of him running off with one of them 'babes' is slim to none lol.

Looking to me is not the same as touching.

Since we have had our deal I must admit its gone from often to rarely that he looks at the sites.

[Soul Quake]

Your boyfriend is insensitive and impatient - that is the pertinent issue here.

How is he otherwise?

[beachgirl42]

Thanks guys. I just wanted to be sure my behavior was justified. To answer your question Soul Quake, my boyfriend is otherwise a wonderful man. He's handsome, accomplished and driven. Although he is one of those types who doesn't like to talk about his feelings and sometimes he can be "all about him". Think that might have to do with his long army career. But there are times when he can do the most thoughtful things like bringing me flowers or a new movie I wanted or even the other day we were at a bar watching football and I complained that my long hair was bothering me so he slipped out and went and bought me a hairclip. I thought that was so thoughtful. This is a relationship that I've wanted for a long time...just had to wait for him to be ready for it. He was friends with my brother first so when we first dated so many years ago he had an issue ultimately with sleeping with his best friend's little sister. I feel like couples need to communicate in a relationship and not be afraid to express their feelings. Guess that's an area we will have to work on.

[scaredallthetime]

Originally Posted by beachgirl42

Good morning everyone. I'm new here and looking for a little advice.

Last night I decided to mention to him that I knew what he'd been looking at...naked pictures of these Russian models, etc. He went ballistic.

I specifically did not look at the other replies because I just wanted to tell you my experience. I can easily be swayed that I am "crazy" or whatever, so I just wanted to write without any judgment.

Twenty some years ago when I was pregnant with my oldest son, I found my husband was buying "bondage" magazines (this was before the Internet). I found them stashed in the garage behind a bunch of stuff.

When I asked him about them, he said that they were a "gift" from some friend when he got married and he didn't want them so he put them in the garage. For some reason this sounded like a plausible explanation, although now in retrospect I know it was stupid.

This scenario happened over and over through the next 10 years....hide the porn, lie to me.

I finally quit asking. And somehow my husband decided in his head that my no longer asking as CONSENT to this behavior. It was not.

Now whenever we have an arguement about ANYTHING (not even sexually related), he brings up how all of a sudden I didn't care that he looked at porn....and when I try to explain my side of the situation, he just blows me off.

Porn is porn. People (guys and girls) like it or they don't. But the desire is not something that in my opinion is easily turned off.

I think that is something you should consider.

[A2FMUrs]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi Beachgirl ~ Welcome! I'm afraid I have to agree with YOU. We have enough in the media and on TV to contend with that makes us feel "less than" without our men looking at these gorgeous babes online too. It makes us feel undesirable, ugly, fat, "less than" and every other adjective you can think of.

My "ex" used to have tons of Playboy magazines, and it made me feel terrible. Of course I didn't look like those babes ~ I tried losing weight and I did ~ but I still didn't "look" like them. Maybe if I had a face transplant, I might add up, but there was no way I could compare. Naturally that's not what broke up the marriage, but it sure didn't help. We broke up before the internet.

My dear second husband was NOT into porn, or even Playboy, bless his heart. He made me feel like I was good enough for him.

Since your husband is hiding this stuff on the internet, he KNOWS how you feel about it and doesn't seem to care! That would upset me too. And why shouldn't you wonder why he's hiding something? Wouldn't he look too if everytime HE came into the room, you closed out a page? He'd go looking too! He'd be just as suspicious as you were. I don't blame you for being upset and hurt. We wives have had to take a back seat to these "babes" for years ~ if our husbands want one of them, go GET one. I'd like to see them catch one!!! LOL God bless you and take care. My prayers are with you. Hugs, Lee

Don't have any idea if I am doing this post right or not...but I just want to thank-you for this conversation.
I considered myself to be self-confident, self-motivated, and self-empowering. However that all changed with my husband's use of porn...mercy, such a long story...and if I ever learn how to post and start my own thread, I will, try to do a "reader's digest" condensed version.
For now...I can only testify, that for myself, my husbands use of porn has come very close to destroying the relationship and myself...I am new here...but this has been a story almost 4 years in the making. I hope to recover and accept the outcome. Thanks and best wishes to us all.

[cutebagaddict08]

Have you explained to your husband that it bothers you because he lied and was hiding it from you?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by beachgirl42

I just thought that with my bf knowing my past and what it did to me might make him a little more cautious with my feelings. I understand that he is angry that I "checked up" on him but what about my feelings about what he has done. Do they not count?

Hi, beachgirl. I think to a certain extent, he was being cautious with your feelings in closing out the websites and deleting them? He knew it would upset you.

Other people have their secrets, their secret vices even. My husband would not have closed the pages when I came in the room because I do not feel bad about his fantasy sexual/sensual interests. My husband likes lingerie and has 98 Playboy lingerie magazines in the bottom of our TV cabinet that I have "had" to move in and out of there to fix the stereo. Actually I only moved them out, I made my husband move them back in after asking him to get rid of most of them because of the space they were taking up; he declined and moved them all back in. It is his house too though and I have more "junk" he probably doesn't care for hanging around then he does.

If it is his computer, I would let him look at what he likes. It is his life to live how he likes and if he is not spending time looking at porn instead of being with you, looking at it on his own time, I don't see how it is your business. Do you tell him all your sexual fantasies? Would you be embarrassed and defensive if he demanded to know or read your personal diary?

That you had a problem with your ex- and found him untrustworthy is not this man's problem to solve. That is your problem. That this man likes Russian women and had a problem with his Russian ex- and she was untrustworthy is not your problem to solve.

I think you will get even more hurt (rather than helping yourself heal) if you set up a double standard where you expect him to trust you, despite your egregious invasion of his privacy, but you do not trust him because of his sexual likes and dislikes. He has not cheated on you that you know of! He has not called the dating service and gone out with any of the Russian girls. He is not a pervert for liking Russian girls anymore than you are "cold" for not liking pornography.

Were I you, I would apologize for invading his space. You do not have to apologize for not liking what you know of his interests, that you do not share them but you do have to decide if you and his differences in likes/dislikes are enough for you to decide you are not compatible and you don't wish to be with him anymore. You cannot change him and his likes/dislikes, you can only decide what you will do, knowing what his likes/dislikes are or learn to enjoy him as he is.

[hentaywee]

I went through a similar experience with my ex-husband. He had forgotten to close out some of the sites, and when I turned the computer on, they were there staring me in the face. I confronted him, and we got into a rather nasty argument. We came to a "somewhat" agreement. It wasn't necessarily the actual porn that got to me, just that he couldn't be open about viewing them. The lies made me feel as though I wasn't doing something right in the relationship. I thought we had worked things out... Was I wrong!

Several years later I found he had still been on the porn sites the whole time. Just did a full clean of the history, temp files etc. whenever he was done. I let it slide, since I was only a few months along in my pregancy and didn't want the stress. Besides, I wasn't able to fulfill any of his sexual needs, so letting him watch the stuff figured like a reasonable thing.

He never did tell the truth. And what scared me was that he got the idea that I would enjoy porn too. So all of a sudden one night the question if I'd want to watch something different was sprung on me. Then he brings out dvd's he'd ordered. Our relationship went downhill after that. Several times I had to explain my feelings, even wrote them out because all I heard was "I don't understand." I had been seriously contemplating filing for divorce. And when I learned he had an ad in the personals and had put a photo of us on a swingers site I knew it was time to leave. I understand some enjoy that lifestyle or entertainment.

Anyways, I hope you two can sit down and really have a heart to heart. Just my experience, but if he doesn't want to meet in the middle, it's going to be a terrible time for you. Be thinking of you

PS.. I think everyone has an imagination. And working together to learn what each other enjoys can make the relationship stay healthy

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I'm very sorry you are dealing with this but do NOT let this man make you feel like he is the victim. You should not have invaded his space, but reguardless of whether or not you would have looked on his computer those russian sites would have been there and he was still looking at them. This does very much so give you a reason to be upset. You have been through a lot if you are on this site right now, you don't need to continue your pain by keeping yourself in this relationship. This type of thing could really hurt your recovery and your road to happiness. I hope that you and he find some way to not hurt eachother and do what relationships are supposed to do, make eachother feel better instead.

Either way I wish you all the best and am terribly sorry you are going through this. Please take care of yourself and know that you deserve better than that!

[holly.short]

hi,
i have no problem with porn or a mans want to look at it, i think its is quite natural.
a cheating partner can leave alot of trust issues, it could be as harmless as sexual fantasy or it could be a justifable concern to have. you need to talk to each other comunication is soooo important you need to talk it out even if you dont like what you hear, hope it works out for you either way stay strong.

[Direction]

pernicious porn is...

please remember to protect your children from internet viewing of these images. exposure at a young age can lead to a life long wake of damage to your now young one as well as all those who will have relationships with them (as partially evidence by this thread). i'm not saying that every person viewing now was exposed to porn as a child, although I believe many were and are. exposing porn to a minor is illegal at least in the states and is classified as child abuse. proof of intent versus accidental viewing i believe is up for interpretation. viewing porn at such a young age sets up some foundations of behavior that translates poorly into adult life. it often solidifies the masturbation and pornography pairing.

as an adult they can be left feeling ashamed, week, bad, disgusted, embarrassed, humiliated, helpless, misunderstood, regretful, sorry. their partners can be left with similar feelings adding trust and body issues. it leaves a gap in their relationship

as an adult dealing with this particular issue it has left me feeling at a loss that my 9 year old self accidentally found my dad's magazines "just stashed in the garage" or being taken to a playboy club or had SelectTV piped into my bedroom a few years later. my parents didn't force me to look, so I should have known better. right? it is only as adult many, many years later that i can process all this and start to separate my self from it. how sad to think that in my mid-20's i was going to keep my playboy collection so that it could be discovered by my sons.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

After reading this post, I spoke with my boyfriend about this subject. He and I have been together a year and 4 months and are still very active in certain departments. I still wanted to know if he would look at porn or not because I myself find it the same field as cheating. I didn't tell him this when bringing it up but it's just my opinion. When you are with someone who loves you, and the sexual part of the relationship is not hurting, the man should not have a reason to look at other pictures. Then again, maybe it's my severe insecurities and I'm thinking "If he's looking he's not interested in me as much" but in general the way I see it, picture or not, chance or not this woman in this magazine is going through his mind in the way that only I should be doing. There is physical cheating and emotional cheating and while he is not telling her he loves her, it's still mentally cheating imo. I guess maybe it's a grey area that it really depends on the person. Either way I was very relieved to hear my boyfriend say "No" when I asked if he was watching porn, since every other boyfriend I have had I have caught watching it and hiding it (and yes hiding it makes it so much worse). I believe him too sicne we don't have internet or cable and basically with the way our relationship is, there is no need for it. I guess it just really depends on the person and how you feel about it. If you don't feel it's wrong per se, then talk to him and find a comfortable middle with him, if you're with me on the anti porn thing, talk to him about it and maybe make your own vidoes (if you are married and trust him) so he doesn't have to look at other women and will only be able to see you. Then he wont have an excuse for not throwing away the magazines and deleting the sites

[Perna]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

the man should not have a reason

One does not need a reason for one's interests/preferences; they are one's own and outside the realm of right/wrong. Sex and porn can get in the way of some people's lives, just as eating can. But if I like looking at pictures of nude men (I'm a woman), since I'm married, I'm not likely to hook up with that many men and though I could look at antique statues and other art work :-) I might just enjoy looking at Playgirl. What someone else enjoys, even my husband, does not have anything to do with me and what I enjoy.

[Gulchenrouz]

how many female orientated magazines can you buy or scan read whilst window shopping on the open market today? open anyone of them and i think you will find the stereotyped females you have aforementioned are adorning every page of those magazines with the moniker that fashion dictates how the perfect woman should be dressed, what brand of makeup, branded hair color, branded lipstick, celebrity endorsed accessories, to what size branded clothes, make of shoes etc you should be wearing and when, all with your specific genders consent and continued approval. if it wasn't so then the magazines simply would not sell. (majority rules) its supply and demand and you women buy into all that, hook, line and sinker, or is that shoes, dress and accessories? i digress, have you seen some of those women on internet porn sites? they are not all fashion model types, many many many aren't but there is something for everyone and just like you women we men like to window shop once in a while as long as it doesn't actually mean we have to go out shopping, to a real shop with a woman that is.

the people b.tch.ng and judging each other on looks and perceived style are mostly women, most men don't care what you look like as long as your naked.

how many women out there have bought stuff they have "hidden" from there partners, now have any of you repeatedly been caught, or do you mostly get away with it, do you admit or deny it when confronted, if confronted, have you sworn you did, or didn't do it, then do it again at first opportunity anyway, until caught again or not?

equate that to women who catch and disapprove of there men watching porn and tell me where is the difference?

[megannadams]

Personally I agree with Perna, my boyfriend and I have had the discussion about Porn and what he said to me made total sense. He stated: I dont see a problem with porn, it not that i dont find you attractive, i just have fantasies to deal with, and I think more people should be open with porn, because which would you rather have, a man look at porn or to cheat on you?"