Victim of a Narcissist?

I am pretty certain that my friend has NPD but she believes it could be Asperger's Syndrome. I see that people with Asperger's are often misdiagnosed as having NPD. Can anyone tell me the difference? As a side note, she has practically every symptom of someone with NPD. I find it hard to believe it is Asperger's since I have seen her turn on "charm" and interact with customers, sale people, etc. Plus, she is really good at making up lies on the spot and being believable. I don't know that people with Asperger's are capable of that. Please help. I am in a state of emotional distress over our friendship and don't know what to do. I went from being the most important person in her life to almost non-existent overnight and I don't understand why.

Hello & Welcome, No1uno!
If your friend truly has NPD, it may be that, for whatever reason, you stopped providing her with "narcissistic supply." If she can't get her "supply" from you, she turns elsewhere.

I'm going to refer you to the following threads and resources:
NPD Mother?
narcissistic and i know it
Google Search on “Narcissistic Supply”

It's an extensive topic.

Unlike a narcissist, people with Asperger syndrome are unable to recognize and mimic non-verbal communication and others emotions. They wouldn't be able to "turn on the charm" like a narcissist would. And they are noted as poor liars. Narcissists, on the other hand, will say anything to get what they want, which is usually your attention. If she is a narcissist, I'd stay away from her. They don't make for very good friends to begin with.

Yeah, ironically we've been best friends for many years. Even though I was constantly used and abused, she somehow had a way of making me feel important and special. In her own words, "Most people get on my nerves by this point but you're the exception". That was about 6 months into the friendship. I'll spare you the long....long story since I'm now 90% sure she has NPD.

She recently has developed more and more friendships and I was getting kind of pushed aside so it became more and more evident that I was being used and that "specialness" that I felt began to go away. I began telling her "no" to things or expecting things in return. She then told me that she needed "space" and couldn't handle all the obligations of being my best friend. So, that's what I did. I gave her space. Now, that has turned into a kind of torture for me in that she is in control of when we talk or get together. She told me the one day, "well, you can call me once in awhile too". Yet every time I do, she either doesn't answer or is too busy to talk. Once again, she has managed to make it "on her terms".

She has recently told me that she knows something is "off" with her and thinks that she has either Asperger's or some kind of PD. I even see some attempts where she is trying to be, in her words, "the understanding friend". Question is......is she really trying to be a better person or is her current method just not working on her other friends right now? So, in order to get what she wants, she needs to adapt?

Further thoughts?

Sorry everyone.......don't want to disagree as anything is possible.....

But I have AS and it took 36 years to work it out. I have, in the past, displayed huge NPD traits as well as BPD, ASPD, PTSD and GAD......as well as bipolar.....

My behaviour certainly reflected a terrible attitude in an extreme degree. I was accused of not having a conscinece, of feeling no remorse, of basically being a monster, or "showing inhuman characteristics". It was an extremely isolating way to live and to be. I had a conscience, I felt great remorse and I loved deeply. I just couldn't process it, or could not show it in a way that others understood, and was called "cold and remote".

I could lie for self-preservation, but could not lie if someone asked me straight out for the truth. I was not manipulative, but had intelligence on my side and to save myself from danger I often told people what they wanted to hear. I had spent all of my life studying people, trying to process, trying to understand.......so I could keep myself safe. I can mimic people in an uncannily weird way, to the point that it unnerves my fiance and hold a conversation with the best of them. My social skills are excellent, I am very polite, well-groomed and have impeccable manners.

But this was me ALL the time. I judged situations constantly, and I was always exhausted. The REAL me can love and feel great compassion. I am very fond of animals and have a strong morality and ethical nature.

So my behaviour severely belied how I felt, and over the years my self-esteem eroded under the heavy mantle of what nasty names I had been called all my life, that I started to believe it. It took a wonderful, intelligent and shrewd psychologist to work out the inconsistencies and provide me with the intensely liberating appraisal that it has been AS all along, and that I am a deeply caring warm human being, even if I don't know that it is not showing on my expressionless face and monotonic voice.

I agree that if the friendship is becoming toxic, some distance may be good. Afterall, no matter what you friend is dealing with, they still need to be responsible for their own actions and use self care.

Take care dear person......look after #1......

You.

In stillness,

Michah

One cannot make diagnotics over the net. It would be irresponsible and not valid.

I wonder though - does it matter to you what this behaviour is 'called'? why is it important to put a lable? You are not treated the way you want to be treated. Whether it is NPD or AS or simply a person who is going through something - it really does not matter... Think if this relationship is good for you xx

I wish it were that easy. She was my best friend for 6 years and even though I can see now that I was being used and abused, she somehow had a way of making me feel important and special. She pretty much monopolized all of my time and even caused problems for me and my husband. Now I just feel like I've been discarded like a piece of waste and it happened so suddenly. I am hurt and other than my husband, who has been fantastic through all this, I just feel alone and abandoned. It really, really sucks. I've been on other message boards (non psychology) and I get the feeling that people think I'm nuts. Maybe I am but if this is how someone who's been victimized by a narcissist feels, then let me tell you.....it is one of the worst feelings in the world. I am hurt and angry and I don't understand how someone who had barely any friends when I met her can have developed so many in the last year. Do they just not see how she is? Has she learned to adapt? Is it possible that she has changed? And if so, why is she continuing to be a witch to me? People that I know who knew her from before, could not stand her. Not to mention that my Mom and my husband have never liked her either. Regardless, I know.....people are telling me to get away from her. Problem is I look at all these new friends that she has and can't help but ask myself, "What did I do wrong?" I just don't get it. I've done so much for her. I just don't get it. I miss my friend. I miss being her best friend. I think I'm the only person that she has EVER really opened up to. You would think that would mean something to someone.

Everyone above makes excellent points. We can't make diagnoses over the Web, and each problem is unique regardless of the label(s) we attach to it.

I am particularly distressed, Michah, for what you had to endure.
Guess: You did nothing wrong. Your friend "shifted." Maybe a personality disorder is behind the shift, maybe a medical or psychological issue, maybe something altogether different, and maybe all or some combination of the above. I suspect it's something over which you have no control.
Ordinarily, yes; your giving relationship of years would mean something. Yet all it takes is a little change in brain chemistry or function to effect a tremendous shift in personality. I suspect your friendship is still there in your friend's mind, but that mind has shunted you to a siding. Your friend may have done it deliberately, or semi-consciously, or even unconsciously.

For you, the result is the pain of a disrupted friendship. I join the others in suggesting you take care of yourself first at this time.

She probably feels exceedingly lonely inside. It's a very hard place to be.

People with narcissistic traits aren't subhuman.

I have narcissistic traits due to early childhood trauma and abuse. I still have a heart, I still care. But I also struggle with relationships - I try not to have any to protect others from myself. Doesn't make me feel much better.
People like your friend need the right kind of help to manage relationships, whether that be therapy or peer support or suchlike. It helps no one if they're discarded. True, it feels like you've been treated like rubbish by her. But maybe she feels rubbish inside, and it 's her unconscious way of protecting herself. It just comes out badly.

6 years of friendship is a decent period of time. It is not few months and not 20 years - but still long enough - especially if you were the one doing all the giving. Some people have this way of relating - they tend to take whatever the can. Give very little. You on the other hand - have a tendancyto give. And when such unbalanced relationship ends - the frustration and confusion and maybe anger - are understandable. I am sorry!

I guess the best thing you can do at this stage is deal with those emotions and learn from the experience. Chances are - you did nothing wrong. Think about it - if my good friend did something that would upset / unsettle me I will tell her in aim to have a discussion and move on if we can as friends. If someone blocks you (drops you from one day to the next) - this shows at best lack of maturity and at worst careless nasty behaviour. It could be of course that you have done something - but if she wants your friendship to work - she should have talked to you about it. We are not perfect and make mistakes. If she is a N - it maybe that in her terms you are not supplying her with the Narcssistic ego pets that she needs. I dont know her so cannot tell you about that - however - my bf's ex wife is a N - and it always has to be about her. She is wonderful. She is clever. She is charming. She is adorable. When you put a boundary up and either not involve her or she thinks you dont like something she has done or said - you become a monster in her eyes. Maybe you have stood up to your frien in a certain way that she is not able to accept. If this is the case - then this is her issue, not yours.

Few of my past friendships ended because the other person stopped communicating. I find that these relationships were based on some lie. I know its harsh. But for me its true. I do not mean to say I was lying or the other person was. Its just that the connection was based on something other than true care. If I cares enough about that person and did not want them out of my life Id take to them - as in the case with my best friend. And guess what - we normally find a way back together.

I think its an automatic reaction of some people to look inside and blame oneself. But if you examined things and cannot find any incedent - and if you contacted her to find out what went wrong and she does not respond - put it down to experience, deal with your emotions and maybe you have not lost something that speacial...

My "friend" called me last night. During the conversation, I had asked her if she ever took the other quiz that she was going to take on Asperger's? She said that she did and again she scored high but in the normal range. I began telling her how I had read that oftentimes people with Asperger's are misdiagnosed as having NPD. She replied, "Oh good. That means I'm not a Narcissist." My point however was that alot of the traits are similar. I told her that typically people with Asperger's cannot turn on the charm like I've seen her do with customers and it's probably the same thing she's doing with all these new friends. She didn't deny it and just said, "yeah but I think it's a learned trait". My reply was that I don't know if people with Asperger's can learn that so well. Not to mention that she did it practically overnight. She then asked me if I thought it was an act? I told her that I don't know because I feel that I really don't know who she is anymore. She just said, "hmm". I asked if she even knew who she was and her reply was, "yeah, I think I have a pretty good idea". She then went on to say that she really doesn't care anymore. I told her that I don't think she ever really did care. She said, "No. I really just wanted to put a name to what I've got."

Her attitude at times is almost scary. I'm guessing she doesn't care what she's got because she has managed to adapt, has tons of friends, and it's working for her. I do fear though that she has lost sight of her true self. Where she used to show some concern for things, I just get the feeling that she has completely pushed aside any and all feelings and is living in a world of nothing but fun and games. Even when I ask about different things, the attitude is always the same......"what do I care", "he's a big boy", "I don't really care", "eh, whatever", "I'm young and stupid".

Whatever this is, she has gotten worse but in her eyes I think she thinks she's gotten better because she's finally having fun and has lots of friends. I just think it's scary. Where did my best friend go?

I found this thread only just today, and am new here.
I am sad for you uno, and as I am losing a friend too, quickly, almost overnight. But I am concenred that it is me with the NPD and that somehow she senses that something is not right. I have muddied other relationships in the past too.
I found this thread warm and open, and the stories of people in here touched me as I can relate to them myself. Particularly Michah's.
It was good to find a place where N's are not constantly villified, called vampires and abusers. <aside> I know...if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...<end of aside>
I am slowly realising in myself that sometihing may be missing, I can't get away from it, and I feel pain. it's helpful to know others have conquered it, hear their stories and that there is hope for oneself, and more important for those as yet unmet people in my life that at least I can try and not hurt in the future.
Uno, She is your friend, she seems happy in her new extensive network, well... it's not easy for you, but if you are true friends, try and be happy for her. If she really is unwell with a PD, you can forgive that. That's six years of goodness you have tallied up. 6% profit on your projected hundred year lifespan? Not too bad.
Greetings to all...Maybe I'll hang around a bit.

hello everyone,The feelings of sadness is because of being left all alone in a world we do not understand,manipulation and to mimic others is easy we are chamelons and can change within seconds,to please or displease others.I think this comes from having a father who wanted us to be the GREATEST and a most who was passive and co dependant and never wanted us to leave so we was rewarded when we messed up with one parent and loved when we did great but,not as great as the parents as they are apparently better than us.We are extensions of their depression its all passed down onto us.Then we can talk of blame and why are we this way? well their parents did the same to them i guess and their parents them.The cycle needs to be broken and this happens with life challenging problems where we cannot lie and manipulate anymore.We have to learn empathy and to be real and genuine.I do not believe that all narcs are bad there are different degrees of every disorder or illness.Unlike others narcs do have guilt and feelings.Its an emotional problem also which means they have emotions!!

Thanks rainbow...thats true.The person who had been in my life with this disorder suffered the same things.Their parents have hurt them badly.There is no support for them and it pisses me off.It isn't easy for any of us to wear a label.I can't imagine what christmas must be like atm.Makes me wanna cry.No not all narcissists are bad and remember....we are all a lil bit messed up.Everyone is faulty.I don't see how my x friend could have been anything else.Same as with my borderline.It was inevitable.They DO have hearts...DO care...and can be awesum friends!

Hi there! I am new to this and have a case of 'sea legs' so bare with me while i find my way. I live with a Man whom I adore and always have since the first time we spoke. he had me at Hello. It has been six years so far with our relationship and in that six years about every three to six months something happens to him to make him suddenly 'change' and decide that 'things aren't working', "too much drama" and so on and so forth. Then after a few days or so- all of a sudden- He Loves me with all he has and doesn't want me to go anywhere and he admits he is difficult and hard to live with. he tells me things and when i repeat the comments he tells me he never said those things and my imagination is working overtime. I get headaches some times with all of this roller-coastering. anyone else have this from a narcissistic person.?