Can't shake the thoughts this week

Firstly Thanks Byz... it made me smile to read and I sent the chinese one to a friend living in China at the moment LOL he will get a laugh out of it.

Tatyana I am sorry that they did that to you - that is a whole new level of hurt and pain that you endured.

John, it's hard to explain. The quality of their relationship did matter to me at the start.. I couldn't see a future between them. It's sort of pleasing to know that my judgement isn't totally impaired

Sanity, Sanity, Sanity... as always you write beautifully and have hit the nail on the head in most instances.
I was over the thought of getting back with him... I had gotten over the hope of anything like that and wasn't even really thinking friendship was what I wanted.
The fact at the moment is that I do love him... I didn't miss him until yesterday.. and then yeah I miss him - but I have realised it's only because he misses me.
None of this means, if I think about it rationally, that I want him back. It's a nice fantasy to have but when it comes to the crunch he has caused me so much pain that the would have a world world of improvments to make in himself and he would have to treat me like a princess. I am no ones housewife anymore, I enjoy my life, I want to go out and have fun, I want to socialize with my friends, I want to not worry about "what I'm goting to cook for dinner"....
There was an old me that doesn't exist anymore - and chances of that coming back are slim - I have realised that I am worth my weight in gold and deserve to be treated that way.

Sanity you are totally right.. being happy that anyone is in pain is not the real me.. it was just something to focus on to pass the time. I asked him yesterday if he loved me... and I got an "I don't know" so I told him that when he knew the answer to let me know, wether it be a yes or a no - a no will hurt but I need to hear it.

For the time being I am living MY life as I have been (F*** HIM)... what ever the future holds I am strong enough to cope with anything..
And yes i have a date on Saturday with a very nice, charming, financially secure man and I intend to enjoy myself!!!!

Thanks everyone so very much.. So sorry to put you all through this again and again -

Thanks Belle. I think Sanity put it correctly - they acted out on this happiness in anothers missery. And you are right. It is cruel. I just want to say - by no means was I comparing you to them. Its one thing to think these things and another to act on it the way they did. I just tried to show you how this sort of thinking is actually not you. Like Sanity said. And that focusing on yourself is the thing to do.

I guess also that TheByz post steared some emotion in me with regards to what happanned...

Anyway - Sanity put it beautifully. I think you are going through the ups and downs... I am glad you have a date on Saturday and enjoy it!! I have a date tomorrow too

Hugs as always xxx

Thanks Tatyana. Good luck with your date too. Is it someone special yet or just a stepping stone to getting back into the scene?

If I do end up back with Mark I hope you will all forgive me??
Not saying it's going to happen but I wouldn't like to leave PC if it did happen....

Supporting you always Belle. Its your mother you will have to work on. lol.

I have spoken with her about it LOL.. and yeah she's not impressed.. but understands that I have to do what feels right for me.
I don't know what's happening and I feel in total limbo most of the time. My ex-boss Tom says that they look 'normal' at work.. so maybe he is just playing me.. or he's putting on a front to her. I just don't know.
I would be 100% better if he hadn't sent the stupid messages... but now that he has I want to know everything that is going through his mind.

I think he is playing everyone. Perhaps even himself. Come on now Belle. Set your sights higher and leave him be for now. What's that old poem.... if you love it set it free if it is truly yours it will come back to you. Set him free and yourself in the process. Get back on track with your independant single life and leave him be to figure his own self out and do whatever it is he wants to do.

Thanks Sanity.
That is sort of what I had in mind for the time being... just to go back to being ME.. not worrying about what he is doing or thinking... it's just that I want so much to know LOL
The date on Saturday night should cheer me up and get me back focused on living my life without thinking too much about it
The guy is a new one.... a horse trainer and trots driver... I had a relationship with a similar guy back when I was 14/15... so we have a pretty good common ground because I know a lot about his work/life

belle, we'll still be here even if you get back with the guy. but what is with playing susie homemaker for him? there is nothing wrong with cooking but good grief you both worked full-time. here are 3 good authors to snap you into this millennium: melodie beatty (co-dependency), Simone de Beauvoir (feminism), and harriet lerner (women's psychology). your book report is due monday.

haha thanks Bloom

It's sort of in my nature to want to cook, clean and take care of my partner.... but I think some of it is in-breed from my mum. She worked full time but still did all the 'housewife' things.
If I was to get back with him we would be eating out often I think. And I have no intentions of living with him again.... unless we got married.
Am staying my own person with or without any man

OMG....I love this poem....I love it....thanks Sanity

Sanity even though that long post was written to Belle it touched me very deeply as I have been twisted with feelings about my husband seperated for over 4 years and he has had a live in GF around a year and a half and have been wanting him to somehow magically see his mistake and want things back ...but lately have been thinking too so much time has passed could it work ...he has had his "wife"caretaker so to speak I have been alone ...lonely yet also lots of time on my hands to dwell on the good but also the bad too ...Your post even if for today gives me hope or something different to reach for ...very insightful ..I'd like to copy it and read it often maybe it may convince me more and more what others keep telling me ..I deserve Better....

Thank you Kacey. I am glad my sharing with Belle touched you too. It has been 5 years for me and I still catch myself now and then. Even when he moved across the country I would daydream about him coming back to live with me when he retires in a few years. More and more I take the fantasy a step further and actually imagine it. OMG!! No thank you!! I am much better off on my own. Sure I would likely enjoy a certain warm fuzzy familiarity to it but there is so much I don't miss about him being in my life day in and day out.

For most of the last 5 years I have dreaded the day I would learn he had a girl friend. I would hear storied but if there were other woman then they were fleeting. He remains officially single. There was a time I wanted him to get a girlfriend just to force me to see that he had really moved on. A new woman would help me let go. So I thought.... except when I would feel the relief from learning a rumour was false.

Life is different when someone moves on and leaves you to live alone. It takes time to adjust to so many changes. Heart issues aside it takes time to get used to having so much time on your hands. Takes time to discover what it is like to make your own choices about everything all the time. Takes time for it to sink in that hey... I am my own person again. I can do this and I can do it well. I can do and go and be whatever, wherever and who ever I want. I get another kick at a new life. How cool is that. Now what do I want this new life to look like and how do I make it happen? I'll make the most of everyday working it forward on my own. I will give life to the dreams I had forgotten, pushed aside... not known I had until now. I will clear out the old and make way for the new.

Did you reclaim your living spaces? He preferred white or nearly white walls and soon after he left I painted walls the colours I had always wanted them to be. I rearranged furniture and did all sorts of things I couldn't do when he was here. It amazed me how much of my every day was patterned around him. Mealtimes, bedtimes, tv times, movie choices.... over the years he had some how managed to be the boss of me. Yuk! I would never have expected that of me. I never expected to be my mother's daughter when it came to catering to a man.

So for the first while of our break up for me it was about the freedom to do and go and be anything I wanted. Reclaiming myself. Now I am good with it. I can't imagine giving it all up again to accommodate a man in my life full time. At 56 there isn't the same romantic attraction to being in love, and married till death do you part and all of that. Not for me at least. Not to mention happy to do with out the potential heart ache again.

Sanity you are a very special lady.
Kacey I am so glad that you can read the posts and find some benefit in them xxx

I am in a really stable place in my head today. I talked with my mum yestreday and Tom today.. it all helps. I don't know what I will do about Mark but I am okay with the fact that its out of control. Today my feelings are just 'blah' and what will be will be.

Pretty darn healthy attitude I think

Well done Belle!! Yes, good attitude. Just keep those who care about you close to you and get all the support you need. It helps so much. I dont know what I would have done now without my family and friends support. They saved me. I still miss him so much and at times its so so hard but they help me snap out of it and keep me safe.

Let me know how the date goes xxx

I know everyone will be disappointed but I didn't end up going on the date. he couldn't met until 9pm and it was just too late for me. Just so you all know, it was nothing to do with what mark is doing to my head i had to get up really early the next morning to go to a dawn ANZAC service (remembering the armed forces in world war 1 and subsquent wars too)
I am still going to met him this week sometime but in the mean time I have been speaking with a new guy, we seems to have a lot in common.. but he is 5 years younger than me feels naughty LOL

I'm glad that you feel good....It took me a long time understanding that I can be happy without a relationship....having a good partner is a bonus and I still have hope for that and I wish for that...but being alone is not the end of the line....I used to be so scared and afraid, but now, I'm just fine....and I celebrate when I find myself being just okay for couple of weeks or sometimes couple of months....I used to have so much mood swings, but not anymore....last six months, just couple of times I felt depressed or sad...and I was able to get over it.....I think it's a matter of traning our mind and direct our thoughts and push the negative ones away....they won't do any good to us, so why to keep them
Today I'm cleaning my home and as I clean and get rid of the dust I think that should be the same for my thoughts....I have to get rid of the dusts in my mind and replace them with fresh new thoughts....

Not disappointed at all! In fact I think you did the right thing not going. I think starting the date with someone you hardly know - at 9 is late. If he is keen and serious meet another day earlier.

Been really tough for me the last 2 days - just feeling so much pain thinking about him. So I am really proud of you you are doing so well. Hugs xx

I know how hard it can be when you miss somebody....but there are ways to get around it....try hard and find your own way....and know that you are not the only heart broken person....stuff that are working for me probably won't work for you or probably you already know them, but still I'll tell you.....well...here is the list what I do to try to change my mood:
1. going to gym
2. hiking
3. dancing
4. writing
5. painting (even as stupidest thing as I can, just colors make me feel better)
6. listening to music
7. watching a comedy movie or any movies
8. jogging
9. meditation
10. taking a hot shower
11. praying
12. reading
13. cooking (although is not my favorite activity)
14. and getting out with positive happy friends

I wish you to feel better soon....and get over him....stay strong and that will happen

with love
Marjan

Thank you! That is a good list. I do mostly reading, watching films, online research and chatting to friends, meeting up with friends and family, writing, hot shower.

It does not help that I ve had the flue for the past 2 weeks - so any physical activity is out of the question until I am better. Its a complicated situation for me. And its a bit different to Belle's. I dont have my own place. We were renting together. And I left. My stuff still there and as soon as I find a place and a job I ll get my stuff. Its not ideal but at least no one abuses me now. No one makes me feel like I need to justify myself and I dont have constant negativity around me. Having said that, its not the ideal circumstances to heal either... Some times I sit here just feeling so wounded that I cannot see how I will ever feel better. Some times I am OK. Some times I miss him so much. But I am not going back. And Belle - I hope that whatever happens - you wont go back either. Mark, like my ex, is abusive. He is abusive in his lack of conviction, in his confusion, in his affairs and in his lies. I believe that each day with no contact I get stronger. Its like an addiction I need to overcome. TheByz asked me how I fill the void - and I dont know how to do that. I do all those things I listed but I feel so alone in the end of the day. I am doing all I can to stay stong.

Thank you both!

Thanks both of you xxx
Tatyaya stay strong and keep reading... that it my escape from the world and I can bury my head in a book.. just to forget the world around me... and Yoga helps a lot too.
I had a response to from my T (I emailed him about what had happened...) I'd like to share it here

Thanks for letting me know. This would have been a big event for you, to say the least.

I know what you’re longing for, but I’m afraid that I don’t see anything different in what Mark is doing now to what he’s done to you before. I don’t mean that to be a criticism of him, but it seems to me that when he feels confused he becomes quite selfish and will look for someone or something that will make him feel better, even if it’s only for the short term. I’m glad to hear that you’ve set yourself some clear boundaries here – in that he must be free of Lisa before you’ll consider anything. I’d like to suggest that he would need to do quite a bit more than that before you risk your future and your happiness with him again, but we can talk about that next time if you like. In the meantime, I hope you’ll keep doing what you’ve been doing so beautifully for quite a while now – being true to yourself, living with integrity, and not giving control of your emotions to anyone who doesn’t deserve it. Of course, the only person who deserves that privilege is you.

Thanks Belle.

What a beautiful response from your T and so so right.

Hugs to you xxxx

I am glad to share. I finally found a T that is really insinc with me and is really good at what he does

I'm sorry Tatyana for what you are going through and I think it's very fresh and new....so you need time to get over it....and flu is in your way right now....just focus on your health right now.....life has lots of turns and twists....you will be surprised by them...be patient and stay strong...you can do it.....take care of yourself....

Belle....wow...I loved the response from your T....that was awesome....at least all of us are in a same page about Mark....he's so confused and he's not going to do any good to anybody....I'm sure poor Lisa is miserable being with him too....at least you are free!

Finally, I finished the cleaning....It feels great to live in a clean home
Now, grocery time and then hopefully going to gym!

He (we all know who now) told me today that he hasn't slept in days.... I saked him if he had talked about his issues with Lisa yet... and got no response LOL Think that wasn't the support he was looking for

I am still doing good... and yes Marjan My T's response is brilliant.. very typical of him to be honest. He is good at getting me to see the bigger picture - which I am sure we will discuss at my next appt.

I want/need Mark to make up his frigging mind - it's just annoying me now that he has said these things to me and then I basically hear nothing much else from him!!!
I'm not in limbo and I am doing fine... it's just frustrating me a little LOL

Tatyana hugs right back at you xox