Can't shake the thoughts this week

I think that if it helps you to have a time frame - then its a good idea. Some times its hard to let go and make that decision. The time with Mark, I am sure, was not all bad. But yes - he hurt you and treats you in a way that hurts and confuses.

There may be tons of other guys. There may be some one wonderful waiting for you. And you may meet that someone. Just focus on yourself Belle. And make sure not to give him power over your changing moods and feelings. No matter what he says or does - you are OK.

Yup... I think if you are going to work from a timeline you should share it with Mark Belle. Anything to fastforward the waiting is a good idea I think.

I have told him the time line... I am also meeting him this Sunday to 'chat'.

On the better side of things I am seeing a REALLY nice guy on Saturday... he actually seems a little over keen (not to mention being 25!) but the messages are sweet and talking with him on the phone is nice and easy - it's a nice distration from my emotional turmoil at the moment.

Just stay safe Belle.

Are you sure meeting Mark is a good idea?

It seems like he is doing to Lisa what he has done to you...

Hi Tatyana,

I don't think that it is the same as what happened to me and him... but I don't know. I am going to figure out if there are still feelings that I should hold on too or just walk away.
I have not promised him a relationship or even friendship ahould things fail with Lisa.. I have made it clear that I want no part in them ending the relationship.
I am staying as safe as I can for the time being.
I want to ask him what the 'situation' is (as he puts it) and get a straight answer - I have always been able to tell if he was lying to me (okay so before we broke up I saw the signs and didn't want to see them.. but in my gut I knew they were there when I talked with him)
I need answers and if he can't provide me with them then if may just be time to tell him to f*@k off but I wont know until I see him face to face I think.

If now is the time to get all the answers that have plagued my for the past months then I see it as a positive

Thank you so much for your kind words xx

How are you doing?

Hi Belles,

I understand. I know that desire to have answers and clarity. I wish Mark shared that desire with you. But I suspect he does not. So just be on your guard. Its ok to meet and assess things but also keep in mind that he is doing this behind Lisa's back and that means he has not really learnt anything...

You deserve a guy that will be into you and you only Belle. Personally - any confused guy - whether I ve known him 2 minutes or 6 years has no room in my life. I need certainty and reassurance for the future, to feel I am walking on solid ground and that I have a partner who shares my believes, aspirations and needs, who is honest and kind and respectful.

That is why I left my fiance. Because I felt I was not getting any of that. And this is why I wont see him or talk to him.

I do not know what the future holds but I think if he wanted to meet for a chat now it would be too little too late. Isnt that the case with Mark?

If in the future I am still available emotionally and he has stopped drinking, been on a programme for abusive man and sets a wedding date - then I will consider meeting with him. But the chances of that happening are close to zero. So I lost hope and with that he lost the better part of me.

Work on your self esteem Belle. You owe it to yourself. I think I said this to you before - heal the little girl inside you that is still hurting. Until you are healed it will be very difficult to take the steps needed to stay away from him and men like him. Trust me - I have been there and still working on it.

I really do hope that you will get the answers you need from that meeting with Mark. I am just worried for you and worried that it may draw you backwards and you will end up in more turmoil...

I am ok, thanks for asking. Its bee a strange day. I felt very very tired today. Could hardly move around. I was in chat here and closed my eyes for a moment and fell asleep - slept for 2 hours. I was so sorry when I woke up that I just disappeared on them in the chat. Feel really uncomfortable about doing that. I think I am still suffering with that virus and the last 5 days have been so hectic for me both emotionally and physically that I just collapes today. I went to 3 interviews and managed to secure a new contract with a new client and still waiting to hear about the other 2. Its been a demanding process. I am also doing a lot of personal work and missing bf takes its toll. I went to see my counsellor and that was particularily hard. So - now that I have slept those 2 hours I feel a bit better but still a bit numb right now. I miss him and cannot forgive him. its not a good place to be....

Wouldn't it be great if we could transport into one another now and then to take the steps that other's see to be the wisest and best for us? Belle could come and take over my body and get me exercising and socializing and living life to the fullest. Marjan or Tatyana could transfer into Belle's body and tell Mark where to get off. I can't think of what I could do for anyone but maybe if someone needs a garden I could fit the bill.

Anyways... just a thought. It is so easy for us Belle to tell you what you should do but we are not emotionally entangled. Those danged emotional entanglements! Geesh!!

I will be praying for you when you meet with Mark and so hoping you can keep your own needs front and centre in the discussion. No matter what we will be here for you dear one and we will listen and support you unconditionally and we will love you through it one day at a time.

Blessings.

Hugs to you Tatyana!

The forgiveness is the hard part... i can forgive I think (time will tell) but I cannot forget and that's where the struggle within begins for me.

For me I feel it's not too late.. to be honest the past 5 months have been a growing time for me.. time to realise what I do want from my life and also that I don't NEED anyone to make my life complete.
If I see him on Sunday and I feel nothing (which is what I am hoping for in some small way) then all good.
He will give me the answers - well some of them anyway as I have told him that's what I wish to meet for... to stop my mind wondering what the heck is going on... that's why I think he may chicken out on seeing me LOL

Counselling has been a large part of me finding myaelf and also finding self confidence keep pushing at going and I am sure it will get easier (even the train ride near your old house.)

Hi Tatyana... just wanted to say how much I am enjoying your presence here. I am sorry for your heartbreak and hope that as the days go by it does get easier for you to recreate your life without your fiance. It takes time but it does get easier once you find the clarity you need to move forward on your own.

My day is a bit meloncolic. It is the 29th anniversary of my mother's passing. Still feels like yesterday. I day seldom goes by without thoughts of her passing through. My son and I are cooking a feast in her honour tonight and I will share stories of her life with him as we eat some of her favourit food with her. He never met her but I try to let him know her through my stories just the same. My aunt and I usually talk on this day but for some reason she isn't home. I miss that ritual. Will try her again before the day is out. My brother and sister never remember this day so I gave up connecting with them years ago. For several years they actually avoided me because they didn't like that I reminded them of her. Reminded them of their failings mostly. I have invited them to share feasts other years and never did they come so I don't bother them now.

Sanity, I was laughing reading your ideas of changing bodies... Mark certainly would have been surprised and my ex would have probably gotten a shock. Not a bad idea...

And thank you for your kind words. I am glad my contribution is validated and appreciated. I enjoy it, sharing stuff, knowing how you guys are and learning too. About creating my life without him: well, it is not easy to have him out of my life and not doing stuff together. The thing is - since July 09 - when he told me he was not prepared to talk about the wedding and i then moved to the next room and refused to talk to him - since then - we got further and further apart. Then there was a time we got closer - round spet and dec but in Jan 10 it just gotten so bad and he became unbearably abusive. So I guess, as hard as this process have been, in a way - it prepared me for this and the transition has not been 360c. Should I be grateful to him that he behaved this way and gave me enough reasons to walk away? I dont know... A big part of me still wishes it was different...

I am sorry Sanity about your mum. I know how hard it is and I think its wonderful you are having a feast with your son and telling him stories about her. I am sure he learns about her from you all the time! My mum passed away 10 years ago and I know only too well the pain and missing...

I hope you will get to speak with your aunt and that your brother and sister will be able to accept the kind invitation at some point. Her memory and love lives through you.

Belle, thanks for the hugs. It really helps to know that there are such supportive and understanding beings out there!

Yes. How do you build trust after that? How do you feel comfortable with someone without being susspicious and wondering... How do you confinde in someone who has betrayed you this way and how can you ever let your guard down around him? Some times relationships, as much as we love the other person, pass the point of no return. Its so sad. Its so painful.

I am glad you spent the last 5 months focusing on yourself and growing. Its so great!

I do hope the meeting with him will calm your thoughts and give you clarity and peace of mind. However - how can one expect that to happen with someone who has not got these inside themselves? (ie Mark)... Think about it Belle - he has no clarity, no consistency and no clear boundaries. Maybe its time to focus on your boundaries and be clear regardless of what he wants and feels. In the end of the day - that can change at any point... If you meet him to see what you feel about him - well - I d like to ask you - dont you know that already? Having said that, I really understand your need. And I hope you do get closure, either way.

Yes, counselling is great. I have been going for 5 years. The last session was hard because the last time I saw my T was when I was still together with ex so needed to update and open raw stuff. And of course the travel - which you know about...

Hugs to you both dear ones xxx

Thank you Sanity... changing bodies would be a blast really... just to swap lives for an hour or two LOL

Sanity I love the way you chose to remember your mum - it is a great way to let yor son know all about her.
I find the older my mum gets that I want her to start writting down all the 'old' sayings that she picked up from her mum so that I can remember them in the future and one day pass them on to my children

I am still learning lessons every day.. life would be boring without that I think.
Mark needs to figure himself out.. but in the mean time my life is going forward.. who knows by the time he figures out what he wants I may be in a new and great relationship xx

warmest hugs to you all xxooxx

wow....I love the idea of changing bodies....so interesting, today I was thinking I'm giving Belle advice easily, because my vision is different than her....because I don't have any emotional connection with Mark, so I can see the whole picture....but if I were Belle, probably I would have acted differently.....hmmm....not sure yet....I think I still would have been so angry at Mark and the best punishment would have been abandoning him from seeing me!

Belle, you can even stand him up on Sunday and just text him saying that "oh, I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it now....what about another day"....I wish you would have done that to him and teach him a lesson.....but I know how sweet you are and you won't do that to him.....

I had root canal today....not a happy day really....and didn't go to hiking....want to sign up for online dating, but no money left this month....argggg.....

Hi Marjan

I want to meet with him to get some clarity to my thoughts.. it's him that I think will chicken out because I have laid it on the line about what I need to know

Root canal is horrible (I was a dental nurse for 4 years before becoming and architectural draftsperson LOL totally icky job but loved all my patients)

meditate and that will relax you xxoo

My 'new' guy is TOO sweet.. he sends me the nicest mesages and we haven't even met yet.. just takled on the phone and email and text.. the last thing he sent was Q. whats 5'2", blonde with amazing eyes and smile. A. You
He makes me grin like a fool LOL
Online dating can begin next month Marjan.. in Australia we have one that is free to join up.. it has cost me nothing to met all the gus that I have... I wait for their "kisses" and "contact".... so they pay but I don't

I am feeling pretty good today.. my life isn't on hold for Mark.. but yes if that spark is there on Sunday (and I haven't fallen in love with the new guy LOL) I will probably wait and see if it can lead to more.. but I wont know until I see him face to face.

Thank you all xxooxxooxxooxxoo

then you should definitely meet him and make sure you have all your questions...I hope you get the answers that you were waiting for....
but Belle...if he chickens out this time, then please don't go after him anymore....

There are some free online dating sites here, but then everybody is on it....I don't know if I want to get on them....not sure, probably, I should try....

I do have an account in one of the popular sites, I just made my profile hidden...It's just around $22 per month...not bad....last night, I check some guys out there....but I didn't find anybody to get connected with....some guys had pictures of them naked showing their mussels...argggg....as much as I love to have an athletic and fit guy, but I don't like the ones that are showing them off....It's like me posting my bikini pics.... no way!

I just looked for those that look decent and not a supper model....hard to shop really.....I wish I could find a date for myself this Saturday.....I used to have so many good guy friends, and I could just go out with them....but here, I have all girlfriends....I just feel going out with a guy friend....

I've never been this much relaxed in my life and I don't want to ruin it in any way....I don't want to get all those stress and excitements....excitement is okay but not the one that gives me anxiety and sleepless.....

I had a good guy friend here, that we could go out two of us together....but last time we went out it was last year and he told me that he had feelings for me from day one....very bad....I don't....so, our relationship got awkward after that....

I can see you Belle as a very good nurse....or even a good doctor, because you care.....I had a filling two weeks ago and yesterday I went back to get a crown but I was in pain in these two weeks....it turned out I needed a root canal instead of filling....stupid dentist, she didn't pay attention....and of course I don't let her to do my root canal, I went to my Endodontist....he's great and his nurse is so sweet....and he did a good job....I have to go and get a crown now.....crown in my mouth not on my head!!!

I have guess over Sunday night and I hope to find a date for me for Saturday....hehehe....not sure how quickly I can do that within two days!!! and tonight is home hunting....

(((((((((((((((((((((((((BELLE)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
stay strong....hope the best for you.....

love you all
Marjan

Thanks girls

Marjan - you are just so sweet to me

I had a good date last night... he's only 25 though (me 30) but he's mature and sweet.. but a litte TOO in to me... calling me love ad sweetie and baby... holding my hand from the moment we met etc... Nice guy but as you have all probably guessed my heart isn't really in it atm.

Well it's Sunday.. 9:30am... I will not text Mark, he can makes the plans. Will let you all know what happes xxooxx

Belle, I would be really worried and causious with a guy who calls me these things and holds my hand first time we meet. Its not a good sign. Its a sign of an unhealthy guy at best and a user at worst (you chose actually which is best and worst...)

I agree with you Tatyana....that will freak me out too....most likely, I would have taken my hands away.....that's so soon!!!!

(((Belle))) watch out.....and don't worry about Mark....he will call you, but please don't call him....and if he doesn't call you this time and chicken out, then don't talk to him at all....best of luck to you and let us know!

xoxoxo
M.

Who is this Mark fellow anyway?

Hi Marjan,

Yes - much too soon.... I would freek out.

Belle -

How are you??

Hi

Sorry I disappeared off here for the weekend mostly... I didn't know what to write or what to say really.

Byz, Mark is the ex.

Okay so lets start with the young guy (Richard)... I am a little freaked out by him. Too fast too soon.
He sent me a message the next day saying he was going to deleted his account on the dating site because he only wants to get to know me...
His facebook status' is ALL about me..
Like it was one date and imo not a great one. 3 hours of him staring into my eyes and trying to kiss me.. me sitting there not knowing how to get his attention off me and onto something else.
Not sure what i am going to do there... he was meant to just be a distraction from the whole Mark issues.

Now for the stuff I am sure you have maybe been waiting for....
Mark cancelled Sunday's meeting.... I told him he was a gutless pig
He said he just wasn't ready to talk as he didn't have the answers yet blah blah...

In the end we met up yesterday for coffee (it was Monday and he took an hour off work to come see me).
He looks good and bad all at once.. he'sa not sleeping, that much is evident. I had told him that we wouldn't have any d & m's (deep and meaningful conversation).. okay so I lied LOL but he knew it too.
He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know if he loves her or not. Calls himself an idiot for getting engaged to her. and bascially an idiot for everything that he has done in the last 6 months.
I asked if he knew she knew he was meeting me. He said he hadn't todl her but if she asked then he would (she would have noticed that he was missing at work for over an hour). I said well that will open a can of worms... he said why? I said well if I was in her shoes then I wouldn't want him meeting with me, he just shruged his shoulders. I said how would you feel if she was meeting her ex? He said he wouldn't care. He actually doesn't seem to care if she is happy or not - and yes he knows that is a problem.

I guess I solved one thing... he's not playing games with me. I can look into his eyes and see that. He has asked for more time to sort out what he is feeling. I said that I had given him to the end of May.
He said he misses everything about 'us' but can't leave her for me - that it wouldn't work out if he did that.. he has to not want to be with her first and then we can see what happens.

The bugger of it all is that I do still love him - I look into his eyes and it's still there. We hugged good bye and he clung to me - told me to eat something as I was too skinny and I grabbed his chunky love handles and said "well, they are still there" LOL.

It was nice. I know that it has made him more confused and me more the same.. but now I am in his head properly..

I just hate waiting!!

Sorry for the long post and I have left out so much but it's all a jumble in my head

Belle, this is going to sound harsh -

Mark is an idiot. A jerk of a guy. A lier. He proposed to her and now says he doesnt know why??? Did you read my posts about my ex who proposed to me? went on his knee? gave me a ring by the xmas tree, said he always knew i would be his wife? and then told me few months later '**** the proposal'? how can you accept Mark doing the same thing to another woman? Lisa is a person. So are you. And he is an imature idiot at best and a manipulative jerk at worst.

You are in his head properly??? You must be kidding right? Mark has only himself in his head.

Girl - if I were you - I would take time off. Go and do a two week retreat and do a lot of yoga, self esteem motivational classes and group therapy. Get your self esteem up.

By meeting with him you help him cheat on Lisa. And lower your self esteem.

I am glad you told him he has until May. But do you really want him??

And do you really think he is not playing a game? who are you kidding??

You said that if he blows sunday then thats it. Well - you moved your own goal post again... Please put proper boundaries up. If you want to have all that you want to have you must be stronger and not bend to his rules and needs. Your needs are important and your life matter!! Please Belle be honest with yourself. xxx

He's not cheating on Lisa by having coffee with me... she would have noticed that he went out at lunch time and I he is not going to hide it from her. I am not the other woman.

I told him to talk things over with her.

belle, you sound pretty good. i was worried maybe you were in a bad place after seeing mark. you know, i've actually never thought he was a player but just very confused. has anyone suggested therapy to him? i think he could use it to help sort himself out. i don't know if he is the right guy for you or not, but i think that is something the two of you have to figure out.

p.s. i'd tell the other guy pronto that you don't feel the same about him. probably best to nip that in the bud before it gets too weird.

Thank you bloom.. he's not a player. I did suggest therapy to him and I hope he takes my advice. He said he has realised that he should have listened to me from the start so maybe he will take my advice this time and get real help.

I am doing okay.. not 100% anymore but I'm not going to fall back down the hole into the darkness again

Hugs to you for understanding xxoo

Belle,

I wish you every happiness.