[Miss_A]

Had a arguemeant with my mum once again.
She never listens to me.
Any way she grabbed me for a hug.
When I wasn't in the mood for one.
So I didn't mean too.
But I punched her in the stomach.
I said I'm sorry but the thing is she doesn't care.
I'm a bad kid but it just came automatically.
I don't won't to be tightly grabbed.
She forgets I'm 14 and I don't need affection anymore
from my so callled parents.
Go on tell me off!

[Gemstone]

Miss A,

What do you expect people to say to something like this? yes, it is quite horrible that you punched your mother in the stomach for trying to hug you.

I would stick with the therapy for awhile. You are obviously not "all better".

I hope you are able to get some help....

[Miss_A]

I don't mean to be like this.
That one of the reasons I use to self harm.
I need some tips and advice to get closer to my mum.
Please...

Therpy doesn't change anything.

[BamaSurvivor]

Therapy won't change anything unless you want help. Then and only then will therapy work for you.

You said in another thread (the medication/drug forum) that you were all better and don't need your medication anymore... I find that to be false. As I mentioned there, when you start feeling better it's because your medications are working, not because you don't need them anymore.

Disrespecting your mother in such a way deserves an apology, I hope you apologized to her. Please, learn some techniques to control your temper/anger. You should never raise a hand to your mother, especially if she was trying to be loving towards you. You only have one mother in this life, treat her well while you still have her.

No, you're not a bad kid. You just have some problems that need to be worked on. Therapy and researching your problems will help if you want the help. I wish you the best.

[Gemstone]

Why not try to help your mom around the house a bit.
Clean something without her asking.

Tell her you love her.

Go out and have some time with just you and her.

Find some things you have in common.

Tell her you want to be closer to her, but don't know how to do it.

It is perfectly normal for a teenager to start to pull away, but violence is never ok. Never. Never. Never. Unless your life is in danger.

[Miss_A]

I don't hate her!
But there's something missing?
I know she's the women who gave birth to me.
She said that she was going to have a bike ride with me.
She never did in the end.
My babysitter taught me to ride my first bike on my own.
Not my mum, she was never there.
All I remember when I was younger was crying and screaming and wacking my head to the hard wall.
I ask her for advice sometimes.
Then she just says I ask stupid questions.
Sometimes I think that it's better if she just leaves me alone.
So I'm safe from myself.
Why does my dad understand?
Why was he the one who raised his hand?
My family are not so close anymore.
I still think it's all my fault.
I'm happy woo hoo.

[BamaSurvivor]

Agree with GEM... There's so many things you can do to grow closer to your mother. A major thing that would make your mom feel better, I imagine, would be to help her clean up around the house without her having to ask you to. Often times mothers are the primary "house keepers" and rarely have much help around the house as far as cleaning and cooking goes. She'd be estatic to have some help around the house without having to ask for it.

Maybe you could write her a letter? At one time, me and my mom weren't very close... I was going through the "terrible teens" stage and pushed her away from me. Then I got to where I missed my mama and wanted a relationship with her. So I wrote her a long letter, explaining how I felt in detail and what I wanted as far as having a relationship with my mother. In the letter I told her how much I loved her, apologized for how I had been acting, and hoped we could get our close relationship back. And we have. We're very close now...

My mom came down with double phnemonia (sp?) a few months back and we thought she wasn't going to make it. Was in the hospital hooked up to all these IV's and machines and it hurt me so bad to see her like that. I vowed at that moment if my mother lived, I'd make sure she knew I loved her everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't tell my mother I love her and give her a big hug and thank her for everything she does for me. So please remember, your mother won't be here forever... Love her and RESPECT her while she's still here.

[BamaSurvivor]

Miss, if your mother didn't love you, she wouldn't have tried hugging you before you punched her in the stomach. I'd still suggest writing her a letter... Explain to her how you feel and how you want things to change. See how it goes.

[Miss_A]

Feels to late to start again.

[Miss_A]

Dear mum, I don't mean to hurt you. The thing is I can't control myself sometimes. As I don't want ot be regreted by you. I've never tried to write a letter before to you, because I feel like you won't understand it at all. I do not desevre affections or attention or anything! All I want is you to not pretend to care. But I dunno what I'm saying now. I want you to be someone who I can talk to about anything with out questions or being judge like a best friend.

That's all I've got so far... I can't do this.

I find my consellor to be easier to talk too like a big sister.
I'm closer to my consellor then my mother.

I give up, it's like talking to a washing macheine not that I do.
She does try and I try to put the effort to get along. But now thinking she will never be the mum, I've always wanted in my life.

[demolitionlover]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Miss_A said:
She forgets I'm 14 and I don't need affection anymore

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes you do. Simple as.

Everyone needs it despite what you think.

My mother left me at 13. Now she has a new family, new baby, new life far away from me.

I need affection from her. I can't get it from anyone else, and i'll not get it from her again. I'm 18 now, and i need her EVERY SINGLE DAY, but it's too late for me to get that initial connection again. We weren't close to start with, and although i'll have some sort of relationship with her until she's gone, i'll never have that protection of living in a home with her.

You'll not go your whole life without it, and you'd be far worse off if she wasn't with you.

[mrb020377]

You are 14 now and don't need affection???????

Not to sound harsh, but if you don't need affection from your mom....who do you think will give it to you? Do you think that the boy you say you are in love with will give it to you? Probably.... but not the kind you need.

Everyone from age 1 day old to 100 years old needs affection... WE need for our parents, no matter how old we are to show us they care. If you want to act like an adult, then you need to accept the fact that you are responsible for your OWN actions... She is responsible for hers.

I am not trying to lecture you. When I was a kid, had I punched my mom in the stomach... I would have been laid out..

Please think about how you react to situations.... Once you realize that you can change your eaction... it will be possible to be closer to your mom... instead of resisting her hugs, give her hugs for no reason!

[Miss_A]

Ok, well I dunno what I'm saying her.
Except, my relationship with my mum seem far away.
I guess if I get annoyed with her, I could change the subject.
My dad left his first daughter at the age of two.
So now I feel pretty bad for that as well.

[darkeyes]

As you said,"But now thinking she will never be the mum, I've always wanted in my life."

Well, one of the sad truth to some, is that some of us do not have the child or children we always wanted. And true our parent or parents may not be what we wanted.
In life as you grow up, you are going to find that you can't always get what you want, many things you have to learn to make the best of what you have and deal with it.
I think as long as you are not of age to be on your own (legally) you should make some effort to get along with your mom, start seeing that life is not all about you, your mom is probably having a hard time trying to understand you, like others have said, I have said in the past, helping her out around the home, taking some time to talk with her, even an old topic of what were things like when she was your age, etc. it can be fun to look back at the older generations younger days, you might even get some giggles from mom. To improve relationships, you need to work at it, both, it can't be just one sided.
Punching your mom in the stomach and being abusive to her is not the way to go, and having such horrible behaviour, over and over and then say you are sorry, can get played out, you need to take control of yourself, if therapy re-inforces this stay with therapy or counselling. Back in grammar school we were taught in school and home, "self-control", you just don't go around punching people, especially a parent.
Maybe you spend too many hours idle, sitting in front of the computer, maybe this spare time you can fill with something constructive, like a littl part time job, volunteer work, helping around the home with chores, shopping, etc. Things like this help a teen learn responsibility, gain independence, respect others as well as themselves. Being idle for so many hours leads and feeds a troubled mind. This can be contributing to your relationship with your mom.
You say she was never there for you, does she work? If so, has it occured to you she does that to help afford to have a home for you to live in,clothing and food, etc. ?
Try for once to put youself in her position, and try to think and feel what it is like for her, having a kid that behaves the way you do.
You said you like your counsellar, well try to be open with her, tell her the problems you and your mom have, and be honest to her about your failure to control yourself, she should be able to help you, learn healthy ways of re-directing your anger, even something like a good walk/jog can help burn it off, please consider continuing therapy/counselling, it's not too late to resolve this stuff with your mom, you need to both make the effort, maybe you more than her?

Take care now,
DE

She forgets I'm 14 and I don't need affection anymore

Well, maybe not.

But by the looks of it...you sure do need some attention.

I do hope you find it in real life, Miss_A.

Petunia

[MacD]

I'm certainly not going to "tell you off", but if anyone opens their heart and their arms to attempt to be loving, then I think they should at least be told why their affection isn't wanted......if you can't talk to your mom, then at least write her a letter explaining this automatic response.....ok? Grace

[Miss_A]

With all of you, I'm not abusive just get in a panic state of out of control when triggered or grabbed. I will put every effort to bond with my mum on hoilday and at home too. I did apologies but I know that it hurt her inside. Just that I don't want to be touched right now.

I agree with the others.
My daughter is 13 and I would be devastated if she punched me for any reason. She wouldn't do it.
Your mum grabbed you for a hug and you punched her? What does that tell her - she tried to be kind and show you she loves you and you hurt her.
I agree that exercise, getting off the computer and doing things - including housework to make up to your mum and show her that you really are sorry - would be a good start. I also think you need to think again about your statement that you don't need meds or therapy.
Shula

[Myzen]

Miss A,

I don't blame you for what happened, not at all.

When you first posted here, talking about school and stuff, I knew that there was something else, and that the trouble would be in your closest relationship. I just knew it.

You have been very brave to tell your story here, I could never have achieved that at your age.

I'm sure your therapist will tell you what I'm going to say now - you are not 'bad'. You may be angry, and hurt and frustrated and p***** off but you are not 'bad'.

There is no way for anyone here to fully understand what the dynamics are with you and your Mum, this is just a message board, but I would ask you to tell your therapist what you are feeling about your Mum. You are young, there is still plenty of time to deal with this.

Stick with it Miss A, you are a good person.

Cheers, M

[Miss_A]

Thank you so much for understanding.
She just won't leave me alone.
Any way it's getting late.
Going to bed!

[h0kie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
She just won't leave me alone.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Miss_A, she is your mother. Of course she isn't going to leave you alone. I would agree with other suggestions to try to get her to accompany you to a few sessions. Sometimes a mediator, like a therapist or counselor, will help get your points across.

Also, you're never to old to not need your mother. My teen years with my mom had their rough spots, but I'm lucky to have her around. Don't know what I would do without her. I hope you find the support and help you need/want. Violence is never the answer.

[Shaymus]

I agree with Myzen that we dont know the whole dynamics of the relationship Miss A has with her mom.

Punching isnt a good choice for what happened. I dont like being made to be hugged when im angry either Miss A and it instills in me the flight or fight response as well. Id suggest going with the flight response next time Maybe you can tell your mom that while you appreciate her hugs that when your angry her forcing them on you isnt a good idea. I dont think forced affection ever feels good and so while your reaction to it wasnt the best choice, i dont believe it is all your fault. And you are definately not "bad".

[darkeyes]

After reading some well thought replies member have made to you, I saw one suggestion which I think is an excellent idea, if you weren't up to being hugged by mom, instead of punching her away, telling her you were not in the mood for that may have been a better alternatiive than abusing your mom. Try in the future, if you feel this trapped, panic, be verbal and not physical. I think therapy that you both can attend can help, like couples counselling does for married people, they have family counselling too, it helps many, the counsellar can help you both understand what you both are looking to accomplish, and improve your relationship.
It's worth a try.
When I was in my early teens my mom and I use to argue, she may have hit me, but never, ever did I raise my hand to her.
I can laugh about those days now, I tell my son how my mom use to say, "oh boy oh boy, can't wait for school to start, and I'd say, yeah, me too" After about 2 summers off from school I decided on getting part time jobs, to spread the hours apart from my mom. Her and I got along about when I was 17 till present day, that's been good for about 31 yrs now, she's 78 and I'm 48, and do so much for her now, with her poor health. I understand how hard it can be being your age, try to strive for patience, have compassion. In time it all gets better over the years, just try.
In the future if mom wants to show affection, try to be nice and just tell "mom not now", I need my space, don't be hurt. This can work, and family counselling can help.
Life is short, and though you do not feel it now, it is good to have parents that care, and I believe your mom cares about you and worries too, moms do, really.

Take care now and enjoy your trip, maybe you'll have a chance for quality time with your mom and family.


DE

[wi_fighter]

I' ve been wanting to stay out of this, but something's been bothering me.

I have to agree with the suggestions to not hit and to say "not now mom, please" instead.

But I am confused by the double standards. Why are so many saying "I would be laid out flat if I'd hit a parent" and then saying "don't hit" ?

I realize it's a "do as I say, not as I do" situation but it sends that mixed message of " :smack across the face: don't hit your brother."

It seems to me that mom and daughter should go see someone together. Mom is trying to be close, daughter is rebelling, mom gets frustrated, takes away privileges, daughter gets ticked off and rebels even more. Vicious cycle.

Mom obviously cares, or she wouldn't keep trying. She's agreeing to counseling, she's agreeing to medication. She's trying to set limits and enforcing restrictions when the limits are overstepped.

If it's possible, I'd try to stop being the rebellious teenager with every real and imagined mental problem under the sun and put as much effort into making things easier as you do chronicalling how much your situation stinks.

If you really were "mature for your age" you'd realize that, instead of coming up with every excuse to remain the spoiled teen who should get away with everything instead of sucking it up and facing the consequences of acting out.

[CJR520]

You need to keep on meds and counseling, and gain at least some respect for your Mum. My son tried to hit me once, and my husband told him, go ahead, and then go home and pack your bags. I hope you can live on your part time pay at McDonalds. He turned around, thought, and went back to working with us on the new home we were building. All of us need to learn to think before we speak or carry out physical actions. You really need to give your Mum a heartfelt apology, not a fake one, so think it over !! 14 is a hard age, but life is tough, and you need to realize that. My Mum is very ill right now. Think about the fact that things could change any day, and we can lose people just in seconds. Then there is no chance for apology, no going back. Take one day at a time, and find the good in your Mum. Think why she may have made some of the decisions she did. Did she have to work away from home while you were growing up? I did. It is very hard to miss things that your little ones do for the first time. Think, think, think !!