I'm a bad kid.

wow. lots of replies here. i agree with pretty much everything mentioned, including the fact that my mother would never have tolerated that behavior from a two year old...if i'd tried it as a 14 year old, i'd never be allowed to see the outside world again b/c i'd be grounded for life.

that said, i think you should remember that respect goes both ways. you want your mother to not hug you when you're mad, to do this and do that, yet you hit her, throw tantrums when she disagrees with you, and you refuse to follow her restrictions when she disciplines you. you can not expect her to respect you when your behavior to her is so devoid of respect. i wish you luck with your mother. i hope everything works out... but if you want her to listen to you then you might want to start listening to her.

-shadow

Wait a minute! I'm taking exception to the name calling! IF Miss_A IS spoiled, she didn't come that way! Kids aren't born SPOILED! It's US PARENTS that are responsible for how our children turn out.

NOBODY knows this girl better than her parents. I'm thinking her mother should know what Miss_A can stand and what she can't. There's been other times that Miss_A's mother has tried to solve a problem with a hug and Miss_A wasn't receptive to that hug, either! WHY does her mother insist on hugging her, then???

Something to think about, you think?

Because she's a mother... Mothers have unconditional love for their children and when they see their child is hurting or sad or any sort of emotion, they want to make it better for their child and perhaps her mother thought a hug would make her feel better. Regardless of how many times she's tried hugging her in the past, she's still her mother and I doubt her mother will give up on her and just stop trying to hug her. It's her daughter, she loves her.

I remember when I was in my severe depression, my mother would try hugging me and talk to me about everything and at times I just wanted to smack her and say, "Leave me alone!", because she'd repeatedly try and try regardless of how many times I'd say, "Please just let me be and let me figure things out on my own"... But I'm so grateful now that my mom insisted on helping me and never gave up on me. It showed how much she loved me and wanted to help, she never gave up on me. I think Miss_A's mother is trying to do the same. Just a thought.

Miss_A I know you are on vacation and wil not see this until you get back. When I first read this post, i read it but didnt take in to consideration your point of view.
Although I still stand that hitting anyone, especially your parent , is not the thing to do. I find that my self wondering, are your parents really there for you? Are they giving you the guidance you need to grow up and respect yourself and others? I know that many mothers feel a loss of connection with their teenage children, because they are becoming more and more independant. You mom probably really does care for you, and probably wants to know what is going on in your life. Maybe she hasnt been there for you in the past and she knows this and is trying to make for it know, but to you it may feel like she is invading your privacy. does any of this make sense?

In my opinon, since you feel so comfortable with your T, try taking your mom with you and have her sit and listen. Maybe have her make an appointment with you, so that you two can have a chance to talk with some one mutual there.

I really hope that you don't give up on your mom, or dad for that matter. You will find that one day you will need them.

Take care of yourself!!! I hope that your vacation went well!!

I'm not saying that her mother should give up on her, for Pete's sake! I'm just wondering why her mother isn't reading her right. Her mother should KNOW or have caught on that hugs isn't what Miss_A needs. Maybe Miss_A has a good REASON for not wanting to be hugged. There may be abuse in the past, there may be a reason that Miss_A might be tactile defensive, and the list could go on.

Again, kids aren't BORN SPOILED. Why do so many say that Miss_A INSISTS on acting spoiled? Because someone MADE her that way and at her young age she doesn't KNOW ANY DIFFERENT!

I didn't learn to change some of my own warped defensive mechanisms until AFTER my mom died. I was 38 at the time.

I agree very much so that kids are not born spoiled...but there is no excuse for hitting a parent. Kids today are not taught to respect and I think that is so sad. I think her mother has every right to try to hug her when she sees her child upset or depressed. we all need to make our children feel loved and cared for. I feel for them both. My daughter does not like me to hug her either...never has and she will be 32 in a couple of weeks. but sometimes I just want to hug her but I know better.

There is no valid reason to hit a parent. I agree with that. Sometimes a hug is useful when your depressed even if it doesnt sound too good at first. Begrudgingly accepting a hug when sad is quite a bit different than having one forced on you when youre angry. Her mother does have every right to try to hug her just as Miss A has every right to refuse the attempt. If her mother wont listen to that refusal and forces it? Everyone here at this site(assuming) has been really angry at someone at some point in their lives. Imagine at the height of that anger them overpowering(as they are bigger and stronger) you and forcing a hug? While violence isnt the answer, i dont blame Miss A alone for what happened as i might have reacted similarly. I would have thought people here of all places would show more compassion to such a situation.

One last thing. Someone said mom is trying and listed reasons. Well, Miss A is trying as well. Miss A is seeing a therapist, creating a support system, taking meds etc. She goes thru her moments of not wanting to continue certain aspects of it but hey, that seems like a normal progression to me. I have times where i want to quit this or that as well. If i didnt have someone i trust to discuss these times with, id likely be posting those times of wanting to quit here as well. Miss A is the teenager and mom is the adult. Assigning dubious intent to everything she does and giving mom a free pass is hardly fair.

I have debated on whether to post to this thread or not, but have read it as it has grown and grown. First, I think there is never a time a child should hit a parent unless it is for self protection in a life threatening situation. With that said, I have wondered about some of the things that had been said by Miss A....... "my so called parents", "why is it my Dad that understands?", "why is it my Dad that raises his hand?", and the posts about her Mother always cleaning and getting on her nerves (a different thread) etc. It seems from the posts, that Miss A and her Mom certainly would benefit from therapy together, but I guess I am from the "old school" here - since when should a 14 yr old girl talk about her Mother getting on her nerves? Punch her Mom? What happened to respect for your parents/elders? As some have pointed out, perhaps she was not taught "respect", but does that give her free reign to not respect? I personally think you (Miss A) have issues that you certainly need to address with your T , and your internet addiction is one of them, as well as your anger issues. IF you were abused, and that is why you do not want to be hugged, I hope that is something you are addressing. If you simpy don't think you need affection from your Mom, then that should be addressed as well. My Mom is 78 and lives in an addition to my home. She is my best friend and we do almost everything together. I will be totally lost without her when that day comes. She and I would have the wonderful relationship we have, had I been mean, physical, and pushed her away when I was your age. Please look into yourself and figure just why you don't have a relationship with your Mom ....before its too late. Good luck and I hope your holiday has given you and your Mom some GOOD times together.

"- since when should a 14 yr old girl talk about her Mother getting on her nerves?"

This confuses me greatly Parker. Since when does showing respect to someone mean they cant get on your nerves? Talking about it is a bad thing? If your parents didnt get on your nerves growing up you must have been some kind of super child. If you didnt talk about it with friends you were even more rare. I didnt have the privledge of the internet growing up but if i had, im sure i would have vented on it at some point.

See, Bebop? YOU know better! I know it's painful sometimes, but sometimes it isn't about the us, the parents, it's about the KIDS. Kids need boundaries, too, not just adults. Adults that don't know about or respect other people's boundaries, including their kid's are being abusive whether they know it or not. Get my point?

AMEN!!! I agree 100% with Shay!

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She and I would[n't] have the wonderful relationship we have, had I been mean, physical, and pushed her away when I was your age.

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No, Parker. Your mother and you wouldn't have the wonderful relationship you now have IF YOUR MOTHER had allowed you to behave with her the way Miss_A HAS BEEN ALLOWED probably from the very beginning. If she is disrespectful to her mother and to some of us here, it's because SHE WASN'T TAUGHT how and TO be respectful in the first place!

At Miss_A's age, you can't blame HER! It's the fault of the parents 100%!! She hasn't been taught but she HAS BEEN ALLOWED this behavior, probably from early on!

It's beyond my ken how such a young child can be blamed for something she doesn't know because she hasn't been TAUGHT!

I've read most of this thread and I have one idea. We don't know Miss A's mother and we don't KNOW what really goes on in their home. I think that Miss A could be exaggerating or not. But I definitely believe that she needs to get off the computer and help around the house, continue her therapy and take her meds. Solving life problems, on the internet, doesn't seem to be working for her. It's time to cook or get out of the kitchen.......xoxoxo pat

I agree! But who's going to teach her? Certainly not her mother! You up to it, Pat? Somehow I don't think so...

Okay everybody, (including myself)
I think this thread is becoming a "runaway thread", maybe it's time we all give it a rest.
I see some heat coming off of this thread, due to the fact we all have different opinions, support, and suggestions, which is normal, but I'm seeing some going "back and forth" with what they feel is the right way, maybe the only way, some don't agree that kids need to learn respect and have boundaries, discipline rather verbal or physical, etc.
None of us are perfect parents or perfect kids, but at the same time, kids should not be allowed to punch their parents, and kids need to respect to get respect.
Heck, I know there are some will disagree with that too.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that this whole thread is straying from the original post. I think the best for Miss A and her parental problems is that they all take up with a mental health professional, counsellor or therapist, whatever one wishes to refer to.
My only wish with this post is that Miss A gets professional help, and keeps out of trouble, so she can grow up, be healthy and enjoy life.
Many of us had horrible teen years, we do get through it, there has always been teens and parents, from the begining of time, and yes, many made it through, and so shall Miss A.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings, I'm glad I am not a teen again, it is a hard period in life and thank God we do get "old", ha!ha! Just my own opinion,based on my own growing experience, coming now from a "cranky, middle aged" woman.

Sincerely,
DE

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fayerody said:
I've read most of this thread and I have one idea. We don't know Miss A's mother and we don't KNOW what really goes on in their home. I think that Miss A could be exaggerating or not. But I definitely believe that she needs to get off the computer and help around the house, continue her therapy and take her meds. Solving life problems, on the internet, doesn't seem to be working for her. It's time to cook or get out of the kitchen.......xoxoxo pat

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This is probably true for most of us here. Taking action in a positive way is almost always better than sitting on a computer but sometimes having support is nice. People take action when they choose, not others.

I dont know if it matters if Miss A is exaggerating or not. Its not for us to decide. If we start trying to diagnose or see who is really mentally ill we will lose in the end as someone who really needs our support will surely be cast aside. Id rather see twelve attention seekers get support than one person who really needs help not get it.

I'm really not trying to argue or cause drama or anything to that nature, I'm just really wondering why the parent(s) get 100% of the blame... Although I do agree the parent(s) get MOST of the blame, I do believe a 14 year is old enough to own up to their own faults and learn how to fix them. I also believe that, from personal experience, 14 year olds shouldn't have to just see/be taught respect from their parents in order to give respect. Sure, it's a big part that you need to learn from parents growing up, but by the age of 14, you're around other people who show respect and teach respect and can easily learn it from them. I have no doubt Miss_A is a wonderful person, I've seen many of her posts and she seems like a nice young lady. BUT, she does need to take responsibility for her own actions and continue getting the help she needs. If she hasn't seen positive role models and hasn't been taught respect by positive role models, maybe her therapist could be a good person to teach her such. Again, just my personal opinion and not trying to start an arguement.

My daughter detached from me in a frightening way when she was Miss A's age. She wasn't my little girl any more, and had even moved into the basement bedroom for independence and privacy. My attempts at setting boundaries and offering guidance were hindered by my husband not wanting to "make her mad." Thankfully, one of her middle school teachers spoke to both her dad and me, stating that daughter couldn't handle the amount of independence and freedom she was demanding. That advice seemed to make an impact with husband, and we promptly moved her back upstairs to her old bedroom. (He wouldn't have listened if I had suggested it on my own, but the teacher actually told us that should be the first step.)
As a middle school teacher myself, I do think boundaries are necessary at this tender age. Limited use of the Internet seems to be called for in this case.
Also, we don't know enough about the parents, particularly the mom, to condemn her. It sounds to me as if she truly loves Miss A, and is trying.
Seeker

I agree that we dont know about the mom. Even more so her mom isnt here so saying what the mom should do wont change anything. The one who is here is Miss A and she was looking for help. She felt bad about the situation, as the title of the thread indicates. She didnt come in saying my "mom said she loved me and gave me a hug so i clocked her!". Hopefully Miss A can sift thru the posts and absorb the good info here for her. I think everyone agrees hitting wasnt a good choice. So from there you look how to prevent the situation from repeating itself. In my mind that means Miss A should either talk with or write mom a letter and let it be known that when she is really angry forced affection when she isnt feeling it isnt the answer. That puts the ball back in mom's court and if she really is trying it should stop it.

Bama my opinion is that people go with what they are taught up to a certain point. If your parents repeatedly told you how stupid you are you will most likely believe you are stupid no matter where the truth lies. What age can you change that? Im sure it differs between people but at 14 i dont think its that big of a stretch that its the parents fault(for being spoiled, if she is).

I am not sure how to explain this . But I have seen some kids LEARN how to play off their parents to get their way from other kids too. So in that case its not the parents doing but the childs manipulative behaviors. I have babysat for kids that did this . So I know it happens.

I could have sworn that yesterday I posted to something to this effect: "I can't believe that a young child of 14 is being blamed for her lack of respect. She has been allowed to behave this way, probably her whole life."

Anyway, I've got one question. If YOUR daughter or son was spending the whole day in their room, wouldn't you want to know what they were doing? Once you found out that it was on the computer, wouldn't you be checking the cookies in order to find out WHERE in the internet she/he has been? I SURE WOULD BE! Then I'd make damn well sure she didn't spend all her time there!

My youngest son, when still at home had a way of teasing me that he quickly changed to wording to. This is ONE STUBBORN KID!! The saying was "I don't want to, I don't have to, and you CAN'T make me!" Although he was teasing, he quickly found that that I COULD make him. And it wasn't physically, either!

Something else to consider. Miss_A says her father understands but her mother doesn't. You supposed she learned her manipulative behaviour from THEM, playing one against the other? Geez, what a concept!

I think this thread is getting out of control. Instead of arguing amongst ourselves, we need to focus on giving support to MissA. If I were her, I would be very hurt by some of the posts that have been made over the last few days. Enough is enough.

It's like talking about her when she's in the room. I just don't think this thread is being supportive anymore. It's full of arguing. She's not here to defend herself or her statements.

Miss_A. I hope you are enjoying your vacation.

You're right, Hun. I had basically the same thought with that last post I made. We're also talking about her parents and if it was me, even if I thought they were useless, it would bother me. The thread has gotten so long that there's no way she's going to read it all.

Thanks for speaking your mind.

I agree 1day, very good point.

Bama said that even if her parents don't teach she should learn from her peers and others that know respect. I totally agree...I know my mom never showed me respect and no love but somehow I grew up a better person with much respect for others..yes even my mom..my abuser