The Married Man and I! PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!

good for you!!

I agree good for you..

The more you distance yoruself the better off you are..

I know it will be hard.. cause you do care for him.. but love hurt the best of us..

trust me I know.. and right now.. it will smart some and hrut more..

keep in touch..pm me if you need to talk ok

love to you .

Thanks guys! Its been two weeks. I have yet to cave. It has only gotten easier. I still continue to talk to him and yeah, shame on me but I haven't yet told him it was over...but i will...i think i did the first step in mentally and emotionally preparing for it....

Six years is a very long time to share someone else. I can understand if you feel trapped since you have lived this lie for so long but I sense that you are beginning to break free from the lonliness you have accepted all these years and realize that you deserve to be #1 not the later. He has it made and shame on him for allowing this to continue. His character is weak, he'll never be able to give you the life you deserve. Don't dwell on the past, it's the future you should be living and you won't unless you end your fantasy of this somehow working out. Would you really want him now even if it were possible? Your relationship would be based on a whole different dynamic and the attraction and excitement of cat and mouse would be gone. Wave goodbye...now is the time. You can do this.

Here is an update for all the people paying attention to this soap opera. I am currently 9 weeks pregnant with his child. I found out last week. Did your jaw drop too? Yeah, you read right. Pregnant. And do not for one second think that we were not protected in our infeditilty as we were. That 15 percent chance, yeah, Lucky me, I became that one and a hundred to become pregnant.

His reaction was at first to get rid of it. Later reasoned away to that is what he thought I wanted. I was firm in the fact I didn't want to terminate this pregancy. That it isn't easy for some people to sweep things under the rug. Then he changed his tone when I told him not to worry about it that I would take care of it that we didn't need to talk anymore. Then suddenly he was excited, "a little excited" and we taked a bare minimum of it. Seems to be easier for him to be loosened up to the idea when he has had a few drinks in him. He is an alcoholic. (lucky me) And recently I told him I thought we should talk.

I mean really there is A LOT to discuss. I have no insurance, I have to name him as the father. He agreed that we needed to talk in person and yet today was jsut not an oppurtune time for him as he couldn't leave. I feel like second place. I am honestly considering not even having this kid.

I told him that the only reason not to have it is him. That no matter what I resent him and that I either need to leave him or not have this baby that I refuse to be second place.

I am 25 years old, who is going to want to start a family with me when I already have one? Ya know. I mean really. There is no winning for me. He may think he is getting a divorce and yet I highly doubt it. And I don't care if he hates me I really needed to talk and he couldn't pull a measily half an hour out of his *** and so I came to my own descions without him and left messsages so now there is nothing really to discuss. THis has totally ruined us. I laugh at it's ironic factor.

I am having this baby, I have to. I can not forsee not. I have told everyone. I was excited. My daughter is totally excited. But I am so alone and so confused and I just want answers that I am not getting. I mean am I wrong to assume that if he can not find a few minutes of time for me that in fact he doesn't really care like he says he does? Maybe he does, maybe he really really really cares, but not the way I want him too and that is what will maek or break a person.

Can I really do this alone? How am I supposed to do this? How did I get pregnant with this man's baby? I seriously was done with him, in the transition phase. I have not seen him for three or four weeks. I have built those iron walls up and now....now I have his child growing inside me......life is jsut full of surprises. THis one I did not expect. Condoms are supposed to work properly.............AHHHHHHHHHH........help..........I am so alone and confused..........

Sweetie, I've followed your posts from the beginnning, and I know you were intent on extricating yourself from this married man. Now, you find yourself pregnant with his child. He didn't respond in a supportive manner initially, telling you to "get rid of it!!" So harsh and hurtful. He's irresponsible and undependable. Can you manage this on your own...good question. You mentioned your daughter, and her excitement at it. How old is she? Also, are you employed and how will this impact your work if you are alone? A small infant needs much care and attention.
I do not recommend abortion. It is so sad to resort to that. And I think in the longrun, you would regret it! If this man is not willing to accept responsibility and help you (much less leave his wife and marry you!), and you feel you cannot manage on your own, then please consider adoption. There are many couples waiting for little babies and who would love them and give them wonderful homes.
Seeker

my daughter is nine. I am employed. No insurance. I have many supportive people around me. No friends though. I do not want to have an abortion either. Adoption is not an option. I do not knwo if I can even do this pregnancy alone. Not anohter one.....resenting him...

Hon,
So what are you saying...You can't consider abortion; adoption is not a consideration, but you don't know if you can go thru with the pregnancy??? What is left?
Wishing you peace.
Seeker

There is not an option left only to have the baby. I have too. But I am just venting I guess. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I jsut need to vent. Thank you for listening.

VL I do not know where you live, but here are some links that can help you do this "on your own" as you put it (with help!)

http://www.bethany.org/A55798/bethan...1?OpenDocument

www.pregnancycenters.org

there are more... and they offer insurance options, payment help, legal assistance etc.. INFORMATION is what you need right now... and it's available. I admire you for wishing to continue this life, even though it will be more difficult for you NOW, it's a good decision for life, imo. The salvation army also has resources for you to contact. God's love is important right now... regardless of what you think, or how you feel. TC

As for the relationship, leave it alone. The others here have told you truth. What you need to do is carve out a nice life for you and children and become a person within/by your own self! You are worth being a whole person... you can do this.

_sky thank you...I couldn't find anything about insurance options....
I won't have an abortion, although I would like to pretend it would be a possibilty just to dull a little pain but see when I was 16 I already had one. And still am not right with it and couldn't possibly imagine another one. Considering up until that point I was prolife and went against everything I believed in. The reasons were more justified. My mom helped talk me into it...regardless....abortion is not an option. And I could never ever give up my own flesh and blood....just because...I am excited about this in my own way...>I mean I am no loner 15, I am 25...this time I am ready, I am not a teenager blossoming....and lucky for me the father has a profession and is not a sex offender...yes life has been one big obstacle, I thought I had it licked but I find that this too will only make me stronger....

I need insurance.....somehow....perferably not anywhere I have to name him as the father...not fo rhis protection for my childs.....

you don't have to name the father. I didn't. and I am a vendictive person. I would let his wife know but that is me

Hold on though. In order to get medical assistance from the state (Wisconsin) don't I need to eventually name him because Child Support wants to make sure that the state gets repaid? That is what I was told anyway..... (I would love to let his wife know but it is not my place, it is his) (he is delusional to think that she should not know)

well if you currently don't remember or know who it could be, right now, you know????

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I think he uses his kids way too much as an excuse. From what he says she isn't very good.

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Sorry...but this guy sounds like a heel. Is that what you want in your life...really?? Walk away...and don't look back.

~Dottie

My heart pulls for you. I do hope you do the right thing.

Now, what is the "right" thing? That's a loaded question. I'll only say that waiting for him to get involved is a very long shot. Taking care of the child on your own is a long shot too (no insurance, etc.) However, you have one option that you didn't mention. Adoption.

I was an adopted kid (way back in 1964). I am glad I was able to be raised by a caring, yet older, couple. My parents had four kids already and couldn't handle a fifth.

Talk to people - counselors at free clinics and so on. It's not damaging to you to give birth - it's amazing. Now, the only issue you have is whether you can care for it on your own or you would like to find a wonderful home for the little person. Find it in your heart to offer them a choice as well.

By the way - I'm a guy and I do not think finding a woman who already has a child is a bad thing at all. If I was single, I wouldn't avoid women who were parents at all - I would want to enjoy time with them and their child. Many men are noble and able to do this. And, yes, there are some who are selfish and don't - but they probably aren't the ones you want to be hanging out with (my opinion only, of course).

actually no you do not have to list anyone in the begining as the father to get medicade and stuff like that..
trust me you dont..
and honey it is your place to tell hte wife if you are carrying his child.. he has to pay for it weater he likes to or not..
I have ben there done that..
he has to grow up sooner or later..

do not give in to his child like behavors ok.

Trust me.. Make him be a man.. ok.

Lots of love to you.. I have been watching and reading this from the begining.. I am making my "wayward" father pay..

You can too..
just keep us posted.. but please do nto git "rid" of a child of any God..

do not attempt to rear this child without support from that louse. i've seen that happen and it ain't pretty.

((((((((((((((((((((VL))))))))))))))))))))))

somehow, someway this too will be ok. we're all here for you.

kd

We talked finialy last night a bit more. I think both of us feeling a bit better about things. Although we didn't reach any real conclusions. Just him saying that he supports me. Which I told him, he had to regardless. Of course he is "working on it" in terms of leaving his wife. This involves the cold shoulder. Hmmm...yes...he is not the brightest one....he wants her to move. I let him know that realistically speaking that he probably never will leave his wife. Like I said its not really his wife keeping him there, it is the kids. Because apparently she is not a good parent and he wants to make sure his boys are taken care of. I guess he is waiting for another fourteen years until his youngest is 18. Whatever. Realistically I do not forsee it happening. I asked him, however if he was going to introduce the baby to his boys, he snapped at me that he didn't know. Oh and he will let his wife know after the divorce......

adoption is not an option for me. I can't do that. I wouldn't feel right about it. I am keeping this baby and I am going to spoil it and love it and cherish it and it will the smartest prettiest most loved baby ever.

The whole topic of living together was brought up and I told him we dont even know if we could live together. We don't even know each other that well. Yes, I care for him. But in all reality I can not continue on with this. I mean it has been stopped for what, three weeks....and then a baby....but that doesn't mean I want him to marry me.....leave his wife? Maybe only so that this baby and I get the support we deserve however I will not expect it and so I will not be disappointed.

Whoa........I really need to write a book... I am doing good regardless....It's just another hill to climb, something else to make me stronger and wiser........

Dear Vulgerlove,

Someone asked if I might have any advice for you, and I wish I did, but it seems like everyone else has given you the best of what I could.

Having a relationship with someone who is already in a committed relationship with someone else is always a bad idea, unless it's known by all parties and you're in a polyamorous relationship... You seem to be stuck with all the stress and decision-making responsibilities while the man in question has all the fun he wants with you and his family, too - the only responsibility he has is from his wife & kids, so he can basically 'core dump' to you when things get rough at home.

And now you've got the baby.

If I found myself in that situation, I think I would probably come clean with myself - your male friend hasn't made any offers of support voluntarily, and unless you want to let his family know that they've got a half-sibling, you're probably going to be on your own as far as financial aid. If you aren't in a position where you can take care of the child, and you don't want to terminate the pregnancy, now would be the time to start maybe looking into fostering & adoption services in your area.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Thank you. Everyone has offered awesome advice. It is refreshing to know that even if my "friends" don't answers my phone calls, strangers in a forum can offer the best support.

As for financial worries, I am not too worried about that anymore. He will pay child support. I know no one on here thinks very much of this guy since he is an adulter however, aside from that he is a man of responsibilty and I do respect him for not leaving his family for his mistress. I make it hard being so awesome (that was afeel good for me) However seriously he will have no choice not to support my baby because I will not be stupid about it. My first instinct was to "protect" him and yet who benefits from that? Him and him only. Already in this relationship, he has benefited the most. He is a cop and so he makes fairly decent money, unlike a fast food worker busting *** at minimum wage or an unemployed bum. But yeah he shouldn't be messing around on his wife. We had sexual tension built up for six years and he never acted upon it until the begining of this summer, I credit him for that. This would be his first affair and probably the last since he has found that cheating on the wife can prove difficult when the mistress gets pregnant.

I need to find an uncrazy unmarried unpsycho man.

Oh so many issues. Congratulations on your pregnancy. No, you need to know that you can and will do this on your own with support of agencies etc. Sky mentioned several. I know of them only as a co-worker is involved in the preg care network. I hope that you can search your soul and know you are strong and can do this without him. Please be kind to yourself. I am here for you.

i wish you the best of luck in all that you decide to do..

love to you

Well, V-Love, you and the baby have my best wishes and hopes. I am trying to end a long-standing affair with a married man (he wasn't married when we started) and understand the trials and pain. There was actually a time when a pregnancy seemed to be a welcome force--a thing that would settle the idea of our being together, or at least knowing each other--forever. I am glad now that I am not stuck with this man, and my advice (I have two children of my own) is to assume, for now, he will be a better father than he has been a husband and hopefully you can pluck the best parts of him and give them to your child.

Do not make any drastic actions about telling the wife, but be clear that your baby's half-siblings need to know about him, as well as his paternal grandparents, and you will ensure that your baby gets the benefit of knowing his family. So the sooner he tells his wife, the better. I know it is hard for him too. He is caught in a rough situation as well, but it's time for everyone to step up and think of the baby and not their own selfish desires.

Two kids don't mean no one will ever love you or that it will be hard to find a new man. I have two and find that when a love is true and healthy, they wrap their love for you around your children and it works, not without problems, but it works. (Unfortunately that lesson was LONG in coming!)

I wish you the best!