[Belle1979]

Hey all

Most of you know my story.. So I have a new boyfriend who I initially met online, he works away 4 weeks and is back 1 week (regular roster). Today is exactly one week since he went back to work.

I am having a bit of a meltdown over being able to trust, both him and what I am feeling. I do like him, he has said and done all the right things so far - hard when we have been together about three months and only seen each other for 3 weeks (Skype helps and we chat most nights).

I may be over reacting (due to what Mark did to me maybe??).
The new guy has added a few new friends to FB (all female) and then deleted the post.... you know the one that says L is now friends with..... I saw the post before it was removed and wondered where he had met these girls - but didn't question it until the post was deleted. All the other similar posts are still on his wall.

How do I know if this guy is really decent? He seemed to be 'perfect'.. now I am wondering...

I have met his family, gone to dinner with his parents and out to breakfast with his sister and her BF... we spend every moment together when he is down in Perth.. he is talking houses, marriage and kids.. All the things that I THINK I want... So why am I having these doubts again??

[Soul Quake]

The fact that he is already talking in such a serious manner, to me, is a red flag. That seems more worrisome than a few social networking contacts he recently obtained.

[Belle1979]

Thanks Soul Quake.

I think that in some ways we have talked about these things because he is away most of the time and it means that we HAVE to talk about everything that pop's into our heads..
But yes it is a worry that he seems ready to make such a 'commitment' so early on...

[eskielover]

Just take it slow & don't commit to anything until you really feel it's right. If you have any doubts, or any hesitations, listen to your gut feelings first, you can always change your mind about someone if you are keeping a distance, but once you commit to a close relationship it's almost impossible to move back to keeping it distanced again.

I realized what my husband was really like a few months before our wedding was planned.....my mother said that "he would grow up" & become responsible when I told her I didn't want to get married to him. I stupidly listened to my mother rather than my gut feeling (trying to give him the benefit of the doubt). I will never make that mistake again.....no guy every gets the benefit of my doubt. If I have any doubt.....I will listen to my gut feeling. I ended up sticking in the bad marriage for 33 years & am not separated & can't get a divorce because of the financial mess he got us into.

Just be cautious.....there is nothing wrong with that & it's for your own protection.

[Belle1979]

Thanks Eskielover xx

For the past 9 months I have keep my heart in a locked box (well it was ripped out, burnt and kicked to the gutter) to protect myself. When I met this guy it all seemed so wonderful, like we had known each other for much longer than we actually had. He seems genuine.. I am just so frightened of getting hurt again, and now I have (stupidly??) let my heart feel something for him.. I feel so paranoid about getting hurt again.
I just wish the doubts about myself trusting my own choices would go away. 99% of the time I think that everything is as it should be, loving and nice (what I think I deserve)... then the little voice says, how can this be perfect?? There has to be something wrong here, you don't get into a relationship this easily, it can't be this perfect, this guy is just going to hurt you..

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Dearest (((( ((((Belle)))) ))))

Please try to let your subconscious know that you were not the one who caused your pain Mark was. You were not the one to dump yourself Mark was. You were not the one to rip your heart out Mark was. You were not the one to treat you as if you don't matter Mark was.

All of the decisions I see were Marks not yours, you are trustworthy to yourself but others will always have to prove themselves and their intention toward you and that is as it should be so that you have some feelings of protection around you

[Belle1979]

Thanks Rhiannon

I don't know why I am feeling this way.. just so insecure and down. I hate it. I like feeling happy but I just can't snap out of it. I don't understand why I am doubting the new guy.. it's in my gut and I feel I have to trust it.. but then again he has been nothing but great and also doesn't deserve my anxiety.. I am not going to say anything to him, too frightened of seeming clingy - I was NEVER clingy urrrghhh this just is horrible!

Everything is new and thats scary...

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Is it truly in your gut or is it in your mind, 2nd guessing your gut? Remember Sanitys' words you are words from Sanity Seeker; beautiful, sensitive, passionate and resilient.

Or are you actually afraid that he is going to be clingy and you will still want and like some of your freedom? What ever it takes you will do it because what ever it takes you deserve it....ok?

[Belle1979]

Haha thanks again.. not trully sure if it is in my gut or in my head... possibly in my head but it's making me feel sick in the gut.
He can't really become clingy, works away so I will only get to see him every 4 weeks anyway...

Just don't know what is up with me. I feel like crying, WEIRD!

I will talk with him tonight (unless I chicken out) wont tell him that i am in a panic.. will just see how it all plays out I guess. No harm is letting it all take its course naturally (we all know that I am not really good at that LOL)

[AngelAsmodeus]

I'd love to give you advice in that regard, but I'm probably not that reliable of an advisor. :P

Personally, I wouldn't be too afraid about an early admission of commitment. I'd just try to take everything as it comes. Try not to work yourself up too much, because if something bad does happen it will just be ten times worse on your mind. At least, that's just what happens to me. ^^;

belle, i'm sorry you are struggling with trust issues after what happened with mark. poop on him for that. i do think it's good that you are not ignoring those feeling though even if they are just your own anxiety. i think i'd talk to louis and just ask about the FB thing because it is harder when you guys are long distance most of the time.

just out of curiosity i'm wondering when you met his sister did she say anything about her brother to really give you an idea of who he is in relationships? like, "he's such a great guy and deserves a good woman", etc. or did she make any digs about him concerning his character? i ask because hey they're family and they'd know what he's really like even if they are biased. also, do you know much about his former relationships and what happened with them?

as for the marriage and family comments i think it is fine to talk about in a general way discussing what you both want out of life, but i'd be concerned if he's saying he wants that specifically with you already. that would be a red flag at such an early stage. i don't see any reason why he would need to discuss that already even if he felt that way. discretion can be a good thing. of course it's quite flattering though!

enjoy the ride girl. you're in the honeymoon phase of the relationship so everything should seem perfect.

[Belle1979]

Originally Posted by bloom3

belle, i'm sorry you are struggling with trust issues after what happened with mark. poop on him for that. i do think it's good that you are not ignoring those feeling though even if they are just your own anxiety. i think i'd talk to louis and just ask about the FB thing because it is harder when you guys are long distance most of the time.

just out of curiosity i'm wondering when you met his sister did she say anything about her brother to really give you an idea of who he is in relationships? like, "he's such a great guy and deserves a good woman", etc. or did she make any digs about him concerning his character? i ask because hey they're family and they'd know what he's really like even if they are biased. also, do you know much about his former relationships and what happened with them?

as for the marriage and family comments i think it is fine to talk about in a general way discussing what you both want out of life, but i'd be concerned if he's saying he wants that specifically with you already. that would be a red flag at such an early stage. i don't see any reason why he would need to discuss that already even if he felt that way. discretion can be a good thing. of course it's quite flattering though!

enjoy the ride girl. you're in the honeymoon phase of the relationship so everything should seem perfect.

Thanks Bloom can always count on you to cheer me up and make me think sensibly (for most part lol)

We have just talked in general about marriage, kids and building the 'dream home' together... haven't dropped the big "L" word yet... just "really, really, really like you" and yes for most part it makes me feel secure and flattered... that we both seem to want the same things out of life.

The family were just nice. His sister told funny stories of past holidays etc, no digs at him or about him. His parents were much the same... talking about general stuff... family stuff and the like.

The only relationship that i know about (and we talked about ex's together) was a girl that he moved to sydney with.... not sure how long they were together.. for a about a year I think. She woke up one morning and told him it was over, seems she had fallen for her best friend... i only know that because he said that if i was ever going to leave him he would rather I left him for a male rather than a female - think he had slight issues over her leaving him for a girl. They broke up around the same time as Mark and I (so about 9 months ago)... he has had a few 'flings' inbetween, similar to mine I think - nothing too serious.

I don't know how to bring up the FB thing - I don't want to come a cross as so insecure and clingy... last time he was away I had a moment of insecurity and talked it over with him - don't want to have to put him through that everytime he is away at work.

I talked with my bestfriend tonight (we have very similar minds) and she thinks I should go back to my T, just see if he can help me move through the trust issues and the anxiety... think it's probably a good idea

belle, i hate to tell you this but i think you just may have found a good guy.

[barleysmile]

Hey, I wouldn't say anything about the FB thing but I would pull back emotionally a bit. If he's saying all the right things and you really like him, allow yourself to enjoy it. He was with you the whole time he was visiting? That's great, right? Don't let yourself get ahead. Think of him as the fun boyfriend he is but not a possible future husband. If you jump ahead, your just going to give yourself an anxiety attack. Play, enjoy the relationship for what it is right now. It's great that you have someone special that you can share yourself with. Concentrate on what you can do to strengthen your self confidence, self esteem and personal wholeness. If you focus on self improvement, you won't be worried about what he's doing. Flirt, it's good for the ego to practice. Don't cheat but don't be afraid of enjoying yourself.

[Belle1979]

Originally Posted by bloom3

belle, i hate to tell you this but i think you just may have found a good guy.

Haha.. i do really hope that you are right Bloom and I do think that maybe you are

Thanks barleysmile

He called yesterday (from skype to my mobile) and I was a little short with him, I had a friend over and was 'bi**hing" about him at the time haha.

He called back on Skype video chat later that evening - he was so tired that it was sort of sweet that he stayed awake to talk to me. He knew something was up (called me an open book LOL).. I said nothing was wrong blah blah.. then just spilled. Mainly that I feel myself falling for him and that it makes me feel vulnerable

Had said all the thing that girls want to hear LOL That he can't stop thinking about me, that he wants to spend a really long time with me,that he can't wait to spend time with me.. and that he's not going anywhere.
That we 'click' in his mind and he's really lucky yot have met me.

He also said that I can't bottle up what I am feeling, that communication has to play a huge part in the relationship and that he wants me to be able to tell him everything and him to tell me everything.

He asked what he can do to make it easier on me when he is away . I don't think its him working away that is the issue.. it's just me and my head LOL

So I am a bit clamer today. Still having moments of doubts - mainly in me not him... I am so scared of being taken for a ride that it does make me pull back.

Thanks for listening to the rant

[AngelAsmodeus]

I'm glad you two were able to talk! It's just better if he also understands where you are mentally. Without understanding, if you were to push him away or just pull yourself away, he wouldn't understand what was going on.

[Belle1979]

Very true... i do pull back but he senses it and when he said that we really do need to communicate and that it is the most important thing in a relationship especially ours as he is far away I felt happy.. okay so I get embarrassed having all these 'baby meltbowns' when he is away... and he mentioned it last night too - just telling me to stay happy as he wasn't going anywhere.. I blush and hate that I told him everything about how I was feeling, especially when it doesn't seem like a huge issue and makes me feel weird..

But deep down inside it is a big issue to me.. so I am glad that I have you guys on here to help me through it

Thanks everyone!

[AngelAsmodeus]

I completely understand I'm always having meltdowns for various reasons in relationships :P

[Belle1979]

Originally Posted by AngelAsmodeus

I completely understand I'm always having meltdowns for various reasons in relationships :P

Thanks

I never used to have them... it's the whole 'trust' issues raising their heads! Am sure that one day I will feel more secure about it all. Getting hurt is the most frightening part of opening your heart.

I tried to get an appt. to see my T between now and when Louis gets back.. he doesn't have any eveing appoinments available (hoping for a cancellation) but just emailing him made me feel stronger and happier... he's a really good T - happy to help by email and phone if he can

[Belle1979]

Hey again

Last night the whole "love" word was used... in the context of "love you lots and lots baby" - from him to me... It started with both of us being silly and smart a**es with each other. and I had replied to one email/chat with oh yeah "luv you too w**ker"... went on to explain that the "luv" wasn't "love" LOL weird conversation... but any way he ended the call with "love you lots and lots and lots"... My reply was "love ya too babe"... It felt weird.. crazy i know. I could love him, and in some ways I do love him - just didn't expect the first time it to be said on a sykpe video chat..
If I love i get hurt.. but if i don't then I don't get to have the happiness that I deserve.

[GrownNsexiMo]

Originally Posted by Belle1979

Hey all

Most of you know my story.. So I have a new boyfriend who I initially met online, he works away 4 weeks and is back 1 week (regular roster). Today is exactly one week since he went back to work.

I am having a bit of a meltdown over being able to trust, both him and what I am feeling. I do like him, he has said and done all the right things so far - hard when we have been together about three months and only seen each other for 3 weeks (Skype helps and we chat most nights).

I may be over reacting (due to what Mark did to me maybe??).
The new guy has added a few new friends to FB (all female) and then deleted the post.... you know the one that says L is now friends with..... I saw the post before it was removed and wondered where he had met these girls - but didn't question it until the post was deleted. All the other similar posts are still on his wall.

How do I know if this guy is really decent? He seemed to be 'perfect'.. now I am wondering...

I have met his family, gone to dinner with his parents and out to breakfast with his sister and her BF... we spend every moment together when he is down in Perth.. he is talking houses, marriage and kids.. All the things that I THINK I want... So why am I having these doubts again??

Maybe because he's probably doing things to show you that he;s eing sneaky and so thats why you think that... but i mean try to trust him but make sure you have some type wall up at a certain extent cause you neva know.

[Belle1979]

So we have gotten to the stage where he ends the skype calls with " love you lots" - well that has happened two days now I like it but it scares me too. I said it back last night "love you too".

What I am feeling is love, just wish it hadn't been said over a video call, in person would have probably made me feel better about it. But if it needs to be said then when the moment is right I guess it just gets said...

How to explain - Mark was still saying it and texting it even when he didn't FEEL it anymore... that went on for a couple of months (I think).. so the actually words don't mean diddly squat to me... I only want it said when it is fully meant, not a way of saying goodbye at the end of a phone call... I don't want it to be just something that is said because it seems like the right thing to say.

Now I don't think/know if that's how it was last night, probably he meant it fully and it's just me reading too much into everything again.

Am I over reacting, reading something into nothing or am I just being totally protective of myself?

[sanityseeker]

Belle... just noticed the thread or I would have come around here sooner.

Reading through the thread I keep wondering how you might better position yourself to feel less vulnerable. It seems to me you give Louise a lot of your power. I think women generally do that to their detriment.

Why is your security dependant on Louise saying or doing this or that to reassure you? Why are you reading between the lines to discern what he is saying or not saying? Why is he holding all the cards for you?

I think it is a power issue. I think women give up their power to men in relationships and that is why women are so hurt when a relationship breaks down. They have no power. They don't know thier own power because they detached themselves from it when they 'fall in love'.

Maybe the life lesson this relationship represents, and the reason you are struggling to define the relationship and 'know' his 'true' feelings, and the reason you are feeling anxious is because you are once again giving up your power. Power you worked very hard to reclaim after Mark.

What would Louise and the relationship look like if you viewed it with a sense of your own power not being compromised or turned over to him and his whimes and fancies? It is not just about you keeping Louise interested it is also about Louise keeping you interested.

I am not sure I am communicating very well here. I am a little off today. Basically what I am trying to say I think is that women need to hold on to their power and not give it away to get a man. I think men prefer women who are strong and self sufficient and who know their own minds. I am not saying you aren't all of these things but listening to you doubting yourself and questioning his sincerity sounds like you may be giving too much away. It sounds like your happiness is dependant on his feelings, his actions, his intensions. He doesn't seem to have to do anything to win you over except tell you he is not going anywhere.

Just don't give up your power. I want to explain better what I mean by that but its not coming out right so I will just leave it for you to maybe contemplate and see if there isn't something useful you can kleen from the concept.

[sanityseeker]

I really didn't explain myself very well there..... maybe Rhian or someone else knows what I am trying to say and can say it better..... I am just off today for lack of a better why to explain my weak communications skills right now.

anways.... big huggs for you Belle. Rejoice in your joy and build yourself up. You are very special.

[Belle1979]

Originally Posted by sanityseeker

I really didn't explain myself very well there..... maybe Rhian or someone else knows what I am trying to say and can say it better..... I am just off today for lack of a better why to explain my weak communications skills right now.

anways.... big huggs for you Belle. Rejoice in your joy and build yourself up. You are very special.

I think that I can understand what you are saying I'm giving him the power to have control over if I feel safe, secure and happy by second guessing everything he says and does...

You are right it took me lots of sessions with my T and lots of soul searching to figure out that I am the only one who can have control over my emotions.

Thanks Sanity I am special and you are special too