Abusive again....

I know that I do this to myself and I don't know why. My sister pointed it out to me the other day because her husband is just an angry person and is verbally/emotionally abusive towards her and she thinks that subconsciously she got herself "stuck" by having kids with him because she was too afraid to leave. I feel like I'm doing the same thing to myself.

I just took a quiz which went through about 50 questions about my relationship and according to it and another source I found by the FBI investigating abusers, I am in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Things I answered yes to were: embarrassing me in public, acting one way around friends and another way at home, using name-calling or mocking, playing the victim during an argument etc...

How have I been convincing myself that this isn't abuse for the last 2 years? How did I let him move down here with me? Even before we left I told him I didn't want him to come with me and somehow he weaseled his way back in.

One day he will apologize and the next day acts like he doesn't feel bad about it anymore. Says things like "now that you're financially set it's okay for you to get rid of me" like I'm USING him. (P.S. He was the unemployed one while I supported both of us but I guess he forgot about those 4 months).

He has actually left me in a store before. I was walking around for 20 minutes looking for him and when I called he was in the car. But then after the fact, he claims he never did those things. He will say something mean, then 20 seconds later claim he never said it. He called me dumb the other day then said he never said that.

Why do I get myself into these situations?! And because I'm so neurotic I can't focus on getting out, I keep back-tracking to "what will he do when I leave?" or "he moved down here for me, I can't leave him". But then I realize he rubs that in my face all the time. "I moved down here for you" or "If I didn't love you I wouldn't have spent everything I had to move here with you". Like he's reminding me "hey, if you're thinking about leaving, just remember how much i did for YOU!"

Our lease isn't up for another 6 months. WTF am I supposed to do? I don't want to live with him for 6 months after breaking up and having him just be angry and mean to me all the time but it's so hard keeping on this smile just waiting for my opportunity to leave. This is making me feel like a total jerk. And the worst part is I LOVE his family and friends.

Honestly, I feel like I know I should leave and the only reason I want to go to a T about it is because I NEED someone to tell me what I'm doing is not wrong. That way I have some back up. So when he goes to make me feel guilty I have the T, a professional, who said this would happen etc... I just hate myself right now.

P.S. you guys have been through this 3 times with me now so thanks everyone for your support and listening. I promise I will stop doing this to you one day!

First thing to do Saluki is to stop hating yourself, that is how this happened to you in the first place. Not having the strength to tell him very firmly NO. But you are gaining your strength and are building up to either you booting him out which I think is the ok thing to do in this case. No matter what he says he isn't good for you and you are too good for the abuse you are copping.

You know that we are here to support you and that won't change. You are not doing anything to us or anyone else by reaffirming the truth. We're sure many others will suport you too

Thanks rhiannon. I feel like it is my fault because I obviously didn't set my boundaries firm enough in the beginning. But then I think "He didn't have to set boundaries for me to know what is and isn't respectful so why should I HAVE to?" Some of the stuff he says and does just seem like things a 27 yr old man should know not to say and do.

And I kind of feel like he moved here with me to trap me. Like "well I did all this so you can't leave now" type of thing. Just I know I don't have the resources to leave right now and it's really hard to keep a smile going when really I just want out. But I feel that's what I have to do to keep things kosher until the end.

I guess I just wish emotional abuse wasn't so hard to define because any time I bring it up he says well he doesn't hit me, so it's not really abuse. But reading some of these articles, they describe almost word for word what an abuser does and some of it is exactly what he does to me.

Thanks again. I hate needing the reassurance but it helps me get through it.

If I were you, I would work on your perceptions so you wouldn't need someone else to tell you anything, you'd know that doing what is best for you is all there is. But I would point out that some of your examples did not bother me, I do not want to leave my husband when he does some of those things; the event is never the issue, it's our perceptions and attitudes toward each other.

I habitually leave my husband in the store to stand in the, sometimes, long line and pay and schlep the groceries out to the car, into the trunk, and then from the trunk into the house. I put them away and made the list of what we were buying in the first place, filled the cart and plan/cook the meals. It's what we do.

Occasionally he has told me, in an irritated manner, to hurry up or quit "wasting time". I check with him then; usually he doesn't feel well or his feet are hurting. We talk to each other and it goes back and forth.

When I was sick and/or my asthma was bad, we got in the habit of my sitting in car to wait for him to bring the groceries out; it's not like two people standing in line accomplishes anything?

If we go our separate ways in a store, we always have trouble meeting up again and it usually has me pissed because my arms will be full and he's pushing the cart and has disappeared but I can usually get myself back in a better place if I imagine the opposite situation. Now I tell him what aisle I'm going to or send him to a specific aisle for something or ask/tell him what each of us is looking for or where we're going. It's all a matter of both communicating and practice.

I quoted your sentence above because of it's wording. It was interesting to me that you said you wanted someone to tell you you are not wrong as opposed to saying you wanted someone to tell you you are right. The way you worded it reminds me of how I feel about being lost: I never feel lost because I'm always with me I think getting to where you feel good about what you do and say will help you decide what you want to do with the relationships in your life.

Try not to get tangled in the logistics; love and wanting to be with someone has nothing to do with whether you move to a new place; that's a personal decision and both you and your boyfriend made your two decisions for your individual selves, not the other. You do not "owe" him anything on that score. Guilt trips aren't necessarily abusive, most of them are a matter of immaturity. If you felt good about yourself and knew who you were and what you wanted, no one else could put a guilt trip on you and most of those around you would not even try. I think you and your boyfriend are both just starting out in life and learning. I don't know how you actually feel about him, just him, not what he does for you or how you perceive what he says, etc. but that is what I would find out and base my decisions on: do you want to be with him or not. If not, it probably would be better for you or he or both to leave sooner rather than later for both of you. The rent and other issues are logistics issues. Focus on the relationship only and it will make your relationship issues a bit easier to see?

I'm not saying he leaves me in the store when we are both in line. I'm saying when he had gotten mad at me he will just leave me. Were not checking out or anything. He just walks out. If it were only that and getting frustrated that would be one thing. But mocking me because you're mad? Calling me stupid or a *****. That is what I'm talking about. Today at work he called then texted then called again then texted asking if I was ignoring him. I was doing field work and he knew I was. Every single day he asks when I'll be home. I don't have a set schedule and no matter how many times I say I don't know he still will ask me about 3-4 times what time I'll be home. Finally when he realizes I seriously have no idea when I'll be done he says 'fine. Whatever. Bye' and hangs up. I tried to talk to him about possibly moving out and taking things slower so we could work on communicating without always being in the other persons face and he accused me of having someone in mind that I wanted to date and said I only wanted that so I could cheat on him.

Last night he asked to go to counseling. Today when I came home he had gotten me flowers and apologized. We'll see if he follows through.

Thanks rhiannon. I feel like it is my fault because I obviously didn't set my boundaries firm enough in the beginning. But then I think "He didn't have to set boundaries for me to know what is and isn't respectful so why should I HAVE to?" Some of the stuff he says and does just seem like things a 27 yr old man should know not to say and do.

It is in no way your fault. He is the abusive one and he is the one who needs to tone it down, not you. You're right when you say that he should know what to say and do. Simple fact is that he is either too lazy to to, or he wants you to be intimidated and cowed so that you will conform out of fear.

And I kind of feel like he moved here with me to trap me. Like "well I did all this so you can't leave now" type of thing. Just I know I don't have the resources to leave right now and it's really hard to keep a smile going when really I just want out. But I feel that's what I have to do to keep things kosher until the end.

You are 100% right. He found someone who was ripe as far as he was concerned and he thought he could bully you easily into conforming and not resisting his abuse.

I guess I just wish emotional abuse wasn't so hard to define because any time I bring it up he says well he doesn't hit me, so it's not really abuse. But reading some of these articles, they describe almost word for word what an abuser does and some of it is exactly what he does to me.

Thanks again. I hate needing the reassurance but it helps me get through it.

That is his way of pretending that it isn't abuse. He's an abuser hiding behind his own justification and denial. Abuse it abuse, whether it's shouting at someone, deprivation of liberty, simply because he thinks he hasn't harmed you in a physical way doesn't mean he is right or thinking right. Every time your blood pressure goes up it is a strain on your heart. You are worth way more than any of his justifications and way way more than his abuse.

NEVER feel bad needing assurance, we all need it at some time and you deserve it greatly. gently pinich a little bit of skin on your arm, roll it gently between your thumb and forefinger...and realise that this is you, and this needs and is worth protection,

Love and blessings to you

Tonight he started going off again. He wanted to know what I was going to tell the T next Monday and demanded to see my notebook so he could know what I had been writing and when I told him no he started telling me that I was hiding something. He went off and asked me who I was interested in.

Right this second he is screaming at me from upstairs about me not wanting to sleep in the same bed with him tonight. God I can't wait for this lease to be up.

((salukigirl))

A couple of words of warning: I am pretty opinionated on this topic, so I'll try not to come across harshly.

Your words are a typical case of the abused. The abuser will always try to make things okay, with flowers and seemingly sincere apologies. But they always quickly go back to verbal and physical abuse. It is NOT worth it. It is NEVER worth taking.

I don't care if you bought a house with the man. Don't wait to get out of this relationship! Get out NOW, while you have this clean perspective on your boyfriend. Because there will always be something holding you back.

Please reach out for assistance in your community. There is lots of help available to those being abused. Please do use it! Don't go any farther in this (or another) relationship until you've gotten professional help. You are in my gentle thoughts ~ you DO deserve better!!

Well I told him that no matter what happens I'm moving out because, whether I decide to work on it or not, I can't live with him anymore. I'm going to a T Monday to get an experts opinion on it and hopefully get some incite on whether it's really worth it or not. And depending on their answer, decide to take him with me the next time. Today I told him that this is the absolute last straw. No other time have I given him an ultimatum so I have never made it perfectly clear "hey, you do this again and I'm gone". So this time I flat out said, you hurt me one more time and I will not even attempt to work it out whatsoever. He said he agrees and says he realizes what he has been doing. I'm taking that with a grain of salt. More like a tablespoon of salt.

Right now my hopes are not very high considering I had to tell him I'm leaving before he did anything. Which I guess is pretty common in these types of situations. My sister said "yeah, he'll realize he's a jerk in 3 years after you've left and moved on".

I guess I'm just taking it one day at a time right now. I can't expect anything because then if he really does try and make changes but I'm expecting a let down, that's not fair to him either. We'll just have to see.

salukigirl, i think your moving out is a really good idea. absolutely do not back down on it. no matter what hold your ground and leave. you need to get away from him so you can have some distance to think clearly. i hope this T can help you. do they specialize in relationship/domestic violence issues?

Stay strong honey. I hope that you get the answers that you're seeking from that T on Monday.

I think you're making the right decision in moving out - are you moving back home with your parents? How come he can't leave or maybe you don't want the apartment?? Believe me, if he's like this now, it will only get worse if you were to get married to him. There's no reason to have to tolerate him being like this.

I also agree with Shezbut and Bloom - don't let him convince you not to move by making false promises. Good for you (((salukigirl))).

Well we would both move because neither of us could afford this duplex by ourselves. My parents are 14 hours away and I moved back in with my mom once for 2 months and we about killed each other lol.

The T appt Monday is just a consultation so they can place me with someone who specializes in what I need.

And HE actually said something incite full today. I'm planning to get my PhD out in Colorado right now and he applied for a job out there a while ago but about an hour from where the campus is. They emailed him the other day and said he was qualified and will be calling him for a phone interview. And the guy who does the hiring is his old boss from when he used to work for the Forest Service. So he actually brought up him moving out there and me living by myself here while he lives by himself there. He would get benefits including mental health and would go to see a T and possibly get on some anti-anxiety meds. Then, over the next year or two until I graduate we could work on our individual issues by ourselves. That way, if it doesn't work out it's easier to go our separate ways and, if it does, we can go from there.

I can't believe he actually brought that up. The other night he didn't throw a hissy fit when I wanted to sleep alone in the other room.

That's a very good sign salukigirl - you both sound like you're very mature and approaching this the right way. I applaud you for realizing this isn't healthy for you right now.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my sanity and life. I feel it should be required reading for everyone on the planet. The statistics (global)are staggering: 1 in 3 women abused and every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted. Verbal abuse is usually always the precursor to the physical.

Some facts (I stayed for THIRTY-SIX YEARS); abusers are usually narcissists, and stop maturing at about age 12-13...they rarely change. They are excruciatingly INsecure. The premise of abuse is only one thing; CONTROL. Never, but never to into counseling with an abuser. They need to go alone and work on THIER issues before going as a couple. I made that mistake and it was a nightmare (before I read the book, and didn't know that). Remember this....abuse is a CHOICE...always a choice. If they "lost" their temper, etc.....they would abuse other people; they don't.....just do it in private. Make sure the therapist you see is SPECIFICALLY trained in verbal and physical abuse; believe it or not, some are not and you will become re-abused and confused. I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group; the names are different, but abusers are all the same, basically.

Thanks, Sharon. That does make sense about needed individual counseling. He has pointed out that he is a little narcissistic without realizing that's what he was calling himself. He has said that he is just oblivious to situations and what they require as far as emotions go. If I asked him I know he would go himself but he doesn't have insurance right now and I do. So the only way for him to talk to someone is to do couples counseling through me. And when we argue it does seem like he turns into a 12 yr old.

I will mention everything you said to the T on monday and see what they think. I really don't want to encounter "well maybe he is just stressed and you need to be more understanding" type of crap because that is what happened the last time and I thought it was bull then, and it's bull now. I'm stressed as can be but don't do or say those types of things.

Thanks again.