[anjelmarie]

I'm so sick of my bf's neice being in the middle of our life. I'm sorry I cannot deal with her selfishly invading our space and our life. Even though she has been at her stepmothers she still calls every day harrassing my bf because she wants money. She doesn't even want to come and get it, she wants him to come to her and bring her the money. This is what pisses me off about her. Even before she moved in, she was always asking him for money and wanting him to buy her outfits and take her and her cousin out to eat and to the movies or whatever. She told me that he is the only one of her uncles that spends money on her and thats why she likes him because he does things for her. But when he doesn't do what she wants, she has a fit and gets rude and disrespectful. I've seen her in action and told my bf about it. I told him off i was so mad because he didn't say anything to her about her behavior. This was a while ago before she came to stay with us. We took her and her cousin out and spent alot of money on them trying to entertain them and gave them dinner and then when my bf didn't want to do something they asked him to do they started yelling at him like he was their age and was very disrespectful and rude. I had told him then don't bring either one of them over here again and don't ask me to do anything with them again. Then a few weeks later his neice is living with us. He sat her down and told her that he didn't like the way she behaved that time and he said she apologized. She talks disrespectful to her father and to her other uncles. She has never talked that way to me although i know she would like to. I saw her and her cousin giving me the evil eye several times while we were out that time because i wouldn't let them run things. They are very demanding teenagers, selfish and greedy. Always wanting something and not even being thankful or grateful. Anyway i got off the subject. Yesterday after my bf went to get her to bring her back here like she said she wanted, she told him she wanted to stay there for thanksgiving she just needed money because her pocketbook broke and she needed money for a new one. He lied and said he didn't have any money because he has a problem just coming out and saying no. So he told her he would come out there on Thanksgiving knowing that we were spending the day together. When he came home and told me this i was mad as hell. I said if you go out there i'm going to be very very upset and will have nothing to say to you. He tried to get through to me and told me well you can come, we can visit, i said no because she doesn't want you to come and visit she just wants money thats all it is. He doesn't want to see it. But I let him know, she wants you around because you give her money and buy her things. I said, she is not even our daughter, she is not your daughter, she has a father. We should not and can not support her financially. She needs to get a pt job if she wants money or she needs to make peace with her father and ask him. I said to him why do you keep giving her money whenever she asks, you know you shouldn't do that, it just makes her more spoiled and more greedy and selfish. He said he knows, he feels sorry for her and doesn't know how to tell her no. He doesn't want her to be mad at him. Who freaking cares? Let her be mad! Then she kept calling over and over. She would call my bf's cell phone, he wouldn't pick it up and it would go to voicemail and she would call right back, and over and over. Then she called the house phone and did the same thing. Then she tried my cell phone. We ignored the phones and she was just going crazy ringing all the phones over and over like a crazy person. Who does that? You leave a message and hang up! Finally he called her and told her he wasn't coming and she was mad of course. She will be calling bright and early tomorrow doing the same thing to try to get him to come tomorrow. I want to pick up the phone and tell her off. This is why i didn't answer the phone because i'm so mad i will not be very nice talking to her, i will tell her to stop harrassing my bf for money and leave us the hell alone. Oh I am so mad. I'm sorry i have to vent. So we ended up going out to eat alone just the two of us but i was angry. I don't know what to do about him. He has no back bone whatsoever. I knew this already so i can't really complain. He has a problem standing up for himself. However, he has no problem telling me no he can't do something. I told him that. Why is it you have no problem disappointing me? He just says thats not true. He can never face up to what he does wrong. Oh boy have i got myself in a mess of a relationship. I've let it go on for way too long and now i feel stuck. I feel stupid even complaining because i know everyone is thinking why are you still with him. Because I am dependent on him right now. I don't feel like i can financially support myself alone. I do love him and i do feel an attachment to him he is like a part of me now. Plus he keeps telling me he doesn't want me to leave he wouldn't know what to do without me and we can work things out, but how if he can't put his foot down with his family. He needs to make me a priority and he needs to start standing up for himself and for me and for us as a couple. Anyway, I just needed to vent and i'm sorry this was such a long post.

i think maybe what you can do is focus on setting boundaries for yourself in your relationship with him rather than trying to change him. unfortunately, we can't change others although it sure would be nice at times. since his niece is family you may be up against a losing battle in trying to get either of them to change their dynamic. you are setting boundaries though regarding what you will and will not tolerate concerning her and that's good. i think if you do the same with your bf you will be happier and see better results than if you try to get him to change.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I have to agree with Bloom ~ You have to decide one way or another how much you're going to take. If it were me, I sure wouldn't want to play second fiddle to a niece!!! Cause if you do THAT you're ALWAYS going to be second to someone. You're NEVER going to be first in his life. Someone is always going to come before you.

No thanks. I wouldn't want a life like that because I would be eternally MAD. Even if I had to move back home, I'd get out of that relationship. He's just not "the one." You're just in for a lifetime of hurt and disappointment.

I wish you the very best. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[AAAAA]

What a frustrating situation. I'm not sure how I would deal with it. Blood is thicker than water. Husbands, wives, Bfs and Gfs come and go, but your family is your family forever.

I would think that your bf's dedication to his niece would be a positive testiment to his character. I am not wondering at all why you would remain with him, quite the opposite. The fact that he's willing to take care of a family member like that tells me he's a kind, caring, mature, responsible human being.

Logically, how can you expect a teenager to behave properly when no one has ever taught her how to behave? As Bloom said, the only actions you control are your own. Set up boundaries for what YOU will accept as behavior and deal with her directly. How they interact between them is not only none of your business, it isn't even remotely within your control. Either he will get sick of it and deal with the problem directly or he won't, you don't enter into that equation at all.

Manipulative emotional blackmail tactics such and refusing to speak to him because he does something you don't like do not work either. And frankly are just as immature as her behavior and she has an excuse, she's a teenager. They're supposed to be difficult.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello anjelmarie,

I agree with bloom regarding changing him hon, but the other thing is treating him the way his niece treats him is only compounding his problem or issue.

I don't think he is treating you badly but I would be telling that niece where to get off, I agree that she needs putting in her place and needs teaching that she has met someone who isn't going to be bullied. And if needed you will have to speak for both of you.

If you love him you do, if you don't you don't, finances shouldn't come into it at all as far as how you feel about him. But I get too that you were just venting and were so over the situation with the niece.

I feel, that she should immediatley be sent home and not live with you. That is just going too far and you will have your own family if you stay together and when you are ready for it and want one. But if she stays it will be the end of your relationship.

If you do love him, don't let it happen. Best of luck to you anjelmarie and don't give in or up if you are not ready to give in.

.

[anjelmarie]

I know i can't change my bf. I just am very frustrated, upset, depressed about the whole situation. If you've read any of my other posts you know this is making my anxiety level go through the roof, i'm having panic attacks more now and its just not a good thing for me to have to deal with. I feel for my bf's neice and i know my bf is a good man and he wants to help her but he is the type that gets taken advantage of. I do love my bf to peices that is the main reason i keep trying to work it out. I have thought of leaving many times because i don't want to deal with his family but i know i would miss him terribly. I thought maybe i would move and still see him but i'd have my space. Its not all about finances. However right now i am not in the position to move. If i did i wouldn't want anyone else, i wouldn't want to move on and i'd be miserable if we broke up. This is my problem. I feel like i'm damed if i do and damed if i don't. I know alot of people don't agree with me and how i feel about the situation and how i'm dealing with it. I just really needed to vent, get things off my chest and was looking for some support and hoped that maybe a few people would get what i was going through and be on my side since i do feel all alone in this.

You say you told your boyfriend off because "she" was rude and disrespectful to him.You turned around and repeated her behavior.I dunno if you see that ? It does not seem as if your issue is that he is being taken advantage of or mistreated,rather that he hasn't handled things as you wanted him to.
As far as her being rude and disrespectful to him , it is up to him to deal with her. If she is rude and disrespectful to you though,you can draw the line.
You say he is your boyfriend,so I wonder whose home it is?You said "we cannot and should not support her" is the money being spent from your paycheck? You can control that part.
You say he has no back bone and cannot face up to what he does wrong.Dang! do you actually "say" that ?You say you are "stuck" with him because you are dependent on him for $ ???????? I am not thinking why are You with HIM...more like ...dam this poor guy is getting it from every angle.
An intimate relationship should be loving and feel like "coming home to a hug" if at all possible.As far as his priority....wow...I would have to say his priority is him first...all others second....he needs to feel loved ,respected,and valued.He is a man. If you respect him and are loving he will feel empowered to behave like one...yes?
He is not abusive...not controlling...and financially supporting you.You should be grateful for that.And do whatever you can to make him know he is appreciated and cause him to smile...cause in the end,between the two of you,he is gunna have an ulcer or whatever...anyway that is the way I feel about what I read ....Wolfsong >.<

[AAAAA]

It is very important to vent. Especially here, where you can say what you want to perhaps get some clarity. Not just from the responses, but re-reading what you've posted yourself.

This is a difficult medium to communicate with sometimes. You mention sides in your last post. I'm not trying to beat up on you, but if that is truly the way you view it rather than a poor choice of words there is trouble in Dodge.

If there are sides, this is a battle. Him vs. me. Me vs. niece. Them vs. me. There is a winner and loser and that is a very unhealthy way of looking at things.

If this situation is so bad that it is affecting your mental health, then exercise some self care. If you need your own private space and moving is not an option, make your bedroom your sanctuary. DO set boundaries. This is not a power struggle, if his niece will not behave civilly in common areas then she can sit in HER room until she can. Communicate with her maturely stating calmly "screaming is not acceptable, go to your room until you can speak in a normal tone of voice."

It will help if your bf is on board with this, so try discussing it calmly with him. If she X then Y. Agree to show a united front. Eventually she'll either comply or find another place to live.

[anjelmarie]

I came on here looking for support. I am already feeling miserable, dealing with depression, anxiety and now this living situation that i'm having a very hard time dealing with. I have been posting about this for a month now in another section so maybe you don't know everything about the situation and me, maybe you do and just never responded. You have a right to your opinions of course. Yes i was looking for someone to be on my side because i really feel like everyone is looking down on me and making me out to be the bad guy. I feel like i have no one to talk to about this, i feel alone. I don't think i'm a bad person. My bf and i are in a committed relationship together we have been together for years and living together for years alone we have no children. I have supported him when i was able to work and he was unemployed. He supported me when i couldn't work. Now I am unable to work and on disability and he works, we are both contributing right now. He is a good man yes but he puts others first a lot and i do feel hurt by that. I don't think i'm a bad person because i want to be first in my partners life. I want to be a priority. I want my needs recognized. I have always put him first before my own family. My family knows that too, they know where he stands with me. He is my family. That is how i look at it. Yes I was angry on this particular post and i spoke out of anger. Maybe i sounded like i was all about myself but i am not. I spoke more about my bf and his family dynamics on another post and they make him feel responsible for them and their needs and make him feel guilty for wanting to have his own life and do things he wants to do. I know that i can't change him. I have been dealing with this for years and trying to hang in there because i do love him. He is a part of me. It is difficult for me to think of being without him. But its difficult being in the relationship and having his family and their problems in our life all the time. I know most people i talk to want to just tell me what to do they want me to either leave or stay. Its hard for me to make a choice. All i wanted was some support. I just needed to talk and maybe get some supportive words from someone because i was upset. Thats all. I wasn't expected to be criticized and made to feel like i'm a horrible person. Right now i feel anxious and depressed and seeing your responses only made me feel worse.

(((((Angel)))))please forgive me if I did that.I deeply apologise.~W~

[anjelmarie]

Originally Posted by wolfsong

(((((Angel)))))please forgive me if I did that.I deeply apologise.~W~

Thank you wolfsong for apologizing, i appreciate it.

[AAAAA]

Originally Posted by anjelmarie

I came on here looking for support. I am already feeling miserable, dealing with depression, anxiety and now this living situation that i'm having a very hard time dealing with. I have been posting about this for a month now in another section so maybe you don't know everything about the situation and me, maybe you do and just never responded. You have a right to your opinions of course. Yes i was looking for someone to be on my side because i really feel like everyone is looking down on me and making me out to be the bad guy. I feel like i have no one to talk to about this, i feel alone. I don't think i'm a bad person. My bf and i are in a committed relationship together we have been together for years and living together for years alone we have no children. I have supported him when i was able to work and he was unemployed. He supported me when i couldn't work. Now I am unable to work and on disability and he works, we are both contributing right now. He is a good man yes but he puts others first a lot and i do feel hurt by that. I don't think i'm a bad person because i want to be first in my partners life. I want to be a priority. I want my needs recognized. I have always put him first before my own family. My family knows that too, they know where he stands with me. He is my family. That is how i look at it. Yes I was angry on this particular post and i spoke out of anger. Maybe i sounded like i was all about myself but i am not. I spoke more about my bf and his family dynamics on another post and they make him feel responsible for them and their needs and make him feel guilty for wanting to have his own life and do things he wants to do. I know that i can't change him. I have been dealing with this for years and trying to hang in there because i do love him. He is a part of me. It is difficult for me to think of being without him. But its difficult being in the relationship and having his family and their problems in our life all the time. I know most people i talk to want to just tell me what to do they want me to either leave or stay. Its hard for me to make a choice. All i wanted was some support. I just needed to talk and maybe get some supportive words from someone because i was upset. Thats all. I wasn't expected to be criticized and made to feel like i'm a horrible person. Right now i feel anxious and depressed and seeing your responses only made me feel worse.

I was truly not trying to make you feel worse. Sometimes we are so close to a situation that we do not see that we are our own worst enemy. I have no knowledge of an ongoing problem. I was trying to give you the benefit of my own experience. I DO understand what it is like feeling helpless in your own home because a stranger is there. Over the years my husband and I have taken in many people into our home. The last one nearly destroyed our marriage.

The young woman that I have referred to as Amy in several threads caused a great deal of stress in our life. While I felt truly sorry for all Amy went through in her young life, my husband had a particular soft spot for this young girl from the time she was 10 years old. I found it particularly distressing when he sided with Amy over our own daughter. Things got pretty bad.

At the time it never occurred to me that the reason Amy spoke us the way she did wasn't out of disrespect, it was because no one ever taught her how to communicate. Her parents barked things at her so this is all she knew. At the time I only knew that I dreaded speaking to her over the most mundane things because I knew I was going to walk away livid.

During a bathroom remodel nothing was going right, I was in tears because I just couldn't take another thing going wrong. Amy stopped in the doorway and just started laughing. Such an inappropriate response... it nearly sent me over the edge. Then when my brand spanking new bathroom was completed, she invited some of her friends over and they decided to dye all of their hair black. I had black hair dye all over my brand new tub, tile, sink, floor, walls, and door. It was everywhere. My brand new rugs were ruined.

There is a thread I posted when Amy moved back to town. I was absolutely dreading this. My anxiety was off the scales. To top it off she was pregnant, does not drive (we live in a very rural area) and her biological family was unreliable at best. My husband has viewed this girl as his daughter from the moment she walked into our house at 10 years old. She didn't "officially" move in until she was 16ish. I was not prepared for the work that was coming having Amy back along with a baby.

Not my proudest moments, but I was full of resentment. The first thing was her baby shower. I knew who was going to attend and did not want to go. I didn't think I should have to go. My husband, who normally understand my social avoidance and anxiety, tried to guilt me into it. My daughter said "mom you have to go, you're the only mother she's ever had." I went, but I wasn't happy about it.

I tell you this long story because since the baby came (early at that) I have gotten to know Amy. Really know her. I would like to say that Amy grew up so we now have an awesome relationship. But the truth is I grew up. I looked beyond the comments, tone of voice, and inappropriate responses.

I am ashamed to say that young girl lived in my home for nearly 8 years and I never took the opportunity to explain to her HOW to communicate. While I supported her financially, and listened to her when she wanted to talk, I honestly never invested in her emotionally. She just plain irritated me. My youngest sons absolutely hated her. She had no respect for anyone's property or space. Instead of teaching her the correct way to act, I would just walk away. I would tell the boys that we just have to deal with it, that I was helpless. I made a lot of mistakes.

In my opinion support also comes in the form of information. I am sorry that you do not find mine helpful.

[anjelmarie]

Well thank you for sharing your story with me. I understand your trying to help by telling me about your experience since it is somewhat similar. However it makes me feel like your saying there is something wrong with me for not wanting my bf's neice living with us. I feel like your saying i'm not trying hard enough to get to know her or to understand why she acts the way she does. It really doesn't have much to do with whether i like her or not. I don't want anyone else in my home except me and my boyfriend. I have a problem with having to deal with someone else being in my home. Even if it were my own neice it would be bothering me. I have issues with having someone else in my space and being there around me all the time. I know that may be hard for you to understand if that doesn't bother you. I think that it is difficult for many people to understand. I'm the type of person that needs to be alone alot and i'm a very private person and i didn't want people to know i wasn't working or that my home is a mess, or that i sleep alot, I don't want to have to talk or have someone talk to me or question me. I'm used to it being me and my bf and that is the way i like it. You still may not understand or think well you need to compromise for your bf's sake. Many people think that way. Some of my friends don't understand me and don't agree with me which is why i can't vent to them. I think i shouldn't have come on this forum and vented about this issue because i realize alot of people just can't understand where i'm coming from. Alot of people just think i'm being selfish. I am just really having a difficult time with my living situation and my relationship with my bf and again, i needed to vent but i think maybe i shouldn't have because i needed to hear supportive words and when i hear people say i'm not thinking of my bf or his neice it makes me feel badly about myself and it hurts my feelings. I know that is not what you intended its not what anyone intended but that is how i feel. I just don't even want to discuss it anymore but i do appreciate you taking the time to tell me about your experience i know you were trying to help and i'm glad that things worked out well for you.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((Anjelmarie)))), I don't think anyone was trying to upset you. You are in a very sensitive place at the moment and maybe the way people write some things makes you feel a little overwhelmed because you are dealing with this alone.

People just respond to what they read and by the way what they are reading sounds to them; I honestly don't think anyone would want to hurt you.

I think that young minx will cause catastrophic problems for you if you allow her to, and the way she behaves is simply disgusting and I would be just as upset as you and I would do something about her and her behaviour.

You are supported even though at times it may feel otherwise; and venting is something that we all do and have every right to do. Just don't let this young girl do you any more damage.

[NuckingFutz]

Just reading this post and the responses. Take some deep breaths here. You don't need to make big decisions and changes right now. Sometimes we take on more than is ours to take on.

Love your bf, focus on that and your life and in time, this situation will work itself out. Maybe with your help, maybe not.

But in any case, I can relate to your anxiety and your view of feeling stuck. Just today I did everything I set out to and got no results, but as the evening wore on, I found that a lot of things we hold onto when if we let go, and allow things to happen, faith is strengthened and we are the better for it.

Don't expect miracles from yourself or your bf or his neice overnight. Take things one step at a time.

Sending you big safe hugs.

Angel.....You stated your case for feedback ...no...? That's what you are receiving.If you step back and read the things you entered into "public" forum...you opened your self to feed back.I am beginning to feel that you are not hearing what you want and thus ...I hate to say it...but manipulating the posting to mold replies to your liking...thus I withdraw my energies from this thread....Good luck!! ~W~

[AAAAA]

Originally Posted by anjelmarie

Well thank you for sharing your story with me. I understand your trying to help by telling me about your experience since it is somewhat similar. However it makes me feel like your saying there is something wrong with me for not wanting my bf's neice living with us. I feel like your saying i'm not trying hard enough to get to know her or to understand why she acts the way she does. It really doesn't have much to do with whether i like her or not. I don't want anyone else in my home except me and my boyfriend. I have a problem with having to deal with someone else being in my home. Even if it were my own neice it would be bothering me. I have issues with having someone else in my space and being there around me all the time. I know that may be hard for you to understand if that doesn't bother you. I think that it is difficult for many people to understand. I'm the type of person that needs to be alone alot and i'm a very private person and i didn't want people to know i wasn't working or that my home is a mess, or that i sleep alot, I don't want to have to talk or have someone talk to me or question me. I'm used to it being me and my bf and that is the way i like it. You still may not understand or think well you need to compromise for your bf's sake. Many people think that way. Some of my friends don't understand me and don't agree with me which is why i can't vent to them. I think i shouldn't have come on this forum and vented about this issue because i realize alot of people just can't understand where i'm coming from. Alot of people just think i'm being selfish. I am just really having a difficult time with my living situation and my relationship with my bf and again, i needed to vent but i think maybe i shouldn't have because i needed to hear supportive words and when i hear people say i'm not thinking of my bf or his neice it makes me feel badly about myself and it hurts my feelings. I know that is not what you intended its not what anyone intended but that is how i feel. I just don't even want to discuss it anymore but i do appreciate you taking the time to tell me about your experience i know you were trying to help and i'm glad that things worked out well for you.

I have the same issues regarding my home truly. Hell I don't even like the phone to ring unless I'm expecting a call. But clearly I am not making myself understood because making you feel bad because you don't want her in your home was not even on my radar. Feel free to vent away, I shall avoid the thread entirely.

[bpd2]

angelmarie, vent. I'll visit occasionally, but I have little to offer except my understand of the horror of having someone else in my home when I feel completely vulnerable and needy. I hate the phone to ring when I'm not expecting a call, hate for anyone to just drop by.

That's about all I can relate to. I'm sticking to that.

I often feel like that BPD2