[sadface]

I have issues with my husband. He doesn't understand nor wants to understand mental illness. My medications and menopause issues has decreased my libido. My husband is a good man but totally stunted emotionally. He is stoic, showing no emotions other than negative ones. A kiss from him is a quick peck. He never cuddles me. He comes home from work stressed out and is very hard to deal with. He interrogates me about every thing. When I tell him how it makes me feel he says I'm just trying to have a conversation with you and I know in his mind that is what he is trying to do. He drinks to calm down and sometimes it takes a lot. He stays in his own world watching sports but if I get involved with anything he resents it. His idea of foreplay is saying when are we going to do it? I have tried to explain how I feel but he just doesn't get it. What can I do? It has been three weeks since we have had sex. Tonight he wants to know when I am going to have sex with him. It repulses me when he talks to me like that. It is like he just ordered me to iron a pair of pants. The weird thing is when we do have sex I enjoy it. I just want romance and foreplay. I welcome your opinions/ suggestions. I am adding to this post which was originally posted in new members and was told to post it here. Someone advised me to go to couples counseling and even though I have asked for him to go and he has not wanted to I am going to ask again. I know this is an impossible issue to have a quick fix but I just wanted to put it out there. Thanks for any thoughts.

[Tatyana2009]

Hello, I am sorry. You sound so sad and I get a sense that you feel trapped.

From what you are saying I think it might be better to have counselling on your own.

It sounds like on a deeper lever your needs are not being met, you do not feel valued and his coldness and demands weaken you. I am sure that this is not what you want in your life. I am sorry.

Remeber that you do not have to have sex unless you want to. Maybe - if you enjoy sex with him - say to him that you do not accept this kind of talk and you need touch and closeness, not demands and ordering you about. Then - DO NOT have sex with him until he is being physically close and there is no verbal demand. Be strong and draw your boundary clear.

The fact that he drinks only contributing to the fact that he is distant and emotionally unavailable - can he stop drinking?

Please post whenever you feel like it. We are here for you xxx

[Leed]

WOW - If I didn't know better, I'd think you were writing about my ex !!! It was exactly the same way with me! Exactly!! Only when he "asked" for sex, he used much nastier words. ugh. After that, why would he think I'd WANT to??? Good grief. Then he wondered why it was so infrequent. Sheesh.

Mine interrogated me too about everything -- mostly about money. What did I spend and where?? Then I got a lecture about how money doesn't grow on trees. I did NOT overspend -- I was lucky that he'd let me buy groceries!! Yet he always had an extra $100 in his wallet every WEEK to do with whatever he wanted. I had to account for every single penny!!

I talked to my husband about his nasty talk about sex -- did it do any good?? NO. He never hugged me - he mauled me.

Needless to say, there were other problems in the marriage -- so after 26 long years, I divorced him. Why did I wait so long? I waited until the last child was 18 yrs old. It's a long story why I did that, but I was finally FREE.

I wish I could give you a magic wand and cure the problem. But without counseling and HIM willing to LISTEN -- I'm afraid it won't go away. God bless you and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

[sadface]

Thanks to all that have responded. I am in therapy and I am working on boundaries an alot of issues with my therapist. I am uncomfortable talking much about sexual issues at least now. my therapist is male and I had a male therapist come on to me once so it is hard to fo there wit him even though he is not like that at all. I am working on a lot of other stuff now. My therapist did suggest couple's counseling a while back when I mentined our sex problems. My husband does have to me demeaning talk that turns him on but has the exact opposite effect on me. I am just hoping one day he will give up....he is 58 yrs old.

[Tatyana2009]

So maybe couples counselling will help with sex - did you suggest it to your husband?

please do not accept him to just change - people dont.

and you do not have to accept him puttin you down!

Hello, sadface. Have you considered talking to your therapist about the discomfort you describe? The sexual relationship with your husband is the one bothering you the most. You might want to print your post for your therapist?

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...ut-in-therapy/
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...lk-in-therapy/

[mydylpickle]

have u tried doing different things to get him excited? if he likes it maybe he'll want it more. which would benefit u. maybe a sexy new dress and hair do. it couldnt hurt to try.

[sadface]

A friend of mine suggested a movie called "Fireproof" which is a faith based story about a copuple that are on the brink of divorce. He was adding little comments throughout the movie which I jst ignored. I knew he was uncomfortable which is why he was talking the way he did. He was trying to joke about it all. It is so sad to see someone that you would like to grown and mature be stuck. There may be a day I walk away from him I don't know.

[ChipmunkGal]

I'm so sorry to hear this <<<<hugs>>>>>

[salukigirl]

Sounds like the real issue is communication. Everyone has a sort of rollercoaster when it comes to libido. I will go from wanting it every day to going a week or two without even thinking about it. If he doesn't understand what needing romance really means, then he isn't listening to you. Sounds like he is only caring about his needs and not yours. I'm sure it's not that you don't WANT sex but you just need more than getting right into it. Which is normal! It's not out of the ordinary to want to come home to dinner ready and candles or a bath or whatever you think is romantic.

Does he ever do those little things that are romantic to you? And if so do you tell him 'this is what I mean when I tell you I want romance'? I have to tell my bf "when I say I want this...this is what I mean". And when I go out of my way to compliment him on something he has done, it makes him want to do more. Like I made a big breakfast for him the other day and told him it was because I appreciate everything he does for me. So he did all the dishes and I came home to a totally clean house! It's amazing what one little compliment can do. So instead of coming across as nagging like "I hate it when you say this" try to reward the things you DO like. Attention is attention whether it's good or bad. So if you ignore the bad things and reward the good things...it might make him WANT to be more romantic to you.

[distant]

Just a thought that may help....men in general are very visual...and often don't respond well to talking...may I suggest writing him a letter of exactly how you feel and what your nedds are? It may help...to get through to him...if he see this visually written on paper....just a thought...hope all works out!!

[hayward]

hey, Sadface.. I just realized something...

Is THAT where my husband goes when he is working "late"? To your house? Are you his other family? Or are they twin brothers, separated at birth??

Seriously, I know how you feel, and I'm not just saying that! I certainly do not think that what he is doing is okay, and I don't want to let these guys off the hook. But as I get older I have realized a few things that actually do make me feel better about all of this, depending on my mood of course!

I think the key phrase you used here is "emotionally stunted." Because they really are. But I don't think they just decided to be that way, or even do it on purpose. They don't know any better, even if you say it over and over again. Women really are the superior sex.

Ok ok, so I KNOW there are exceptions, but women and men are really different. I think sometimes we forget that- we expect other people to think and feel the same way that we do. When they don't, we take it personally, but it really has nothing to do with us. They are just incapable of the same warmth and caring and depth of emotion and understanding that we have! And, depending on the circumstances of how they were raised, it can make men some even harder to deal with than they otherwise would be.

I do best when I just lower my expectations.. then I don't get disappointed, and any little good thing that happens thrills me. Avoiding him is also good; absence doesn't make my heart grow fonder but it helps me from going crazy and killing him.

Distractions are also good. Sure, there are the usual walks or music or movies or computer time, but don't forget the classic standbys of shopping, good chocolate, wine, or perhaps masturbation, or all four.

I am not a big sports fan, but I find that sometimes I can watch to just check out the guys, and of course to make comments on their uniforms or colors or ask questions which really bug him, like "where does that invisible line on the football field come from?" and "why aren't there any white guys on the basketball court?"

And finally, always remember that you are not alone in this. The bottom line is that if you trade him in, you will just get a different model. He may not have those same issues, but there will be something else, because everyone has their ----. So, choose your battles, and whenever you are upset with him say "It could be worse.. he could be a _______ (insert some unthinkable thing)" and count your blessings that he is indeed "a good man", as you say.

(Oh, and I just want to add one more thing. A long time ago I was complaining to my husband that he didn't love me, or show me that he did. His response: "What do you mean?? I washed your car today, didn't I ??")

[sadface]

I told him in order for me to want sex with him I needed to feel some closeness. He told me in order for him to be close he needed to have sex so for awhile I said ok I'll buy that and had sex on his terms. He did not change his behavior at all. he recently brought up that same crap again and I told him I knew that was a big lie and I wasn't buying it now. You are right about the communication thing. I don't have anyone to blame but myself. I knew he was emotionally stunted and had issues. I am going to try and sit down with him and get him to talk.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by sadface

The weird thing is when we do have sex I enjoy it. I just want romance and foreplay.

That's great that you enjoy it; I was going to recommend you initiate it! Go for what you want (the enjoyable sex) but "tease" him while you're at it, coming on to him but making him "work" for it a little (teach him what you like/how you like it).

"Telling" him what you want, to him, is probably a bit like his asking you when he's going to get it is for you. You're very correct, he doesn't understand or "get it" how you would like but for that you have to show him. When he comes home tired/in a bad mood, be pleasant and maybe give him a back rub or something. Maybe try to ask about work over time and his coworkers, get his "stories" and take his side; it is his work/life after all and even if you can imagine other scenarios why a coworker might have said/done something (my mistake :-) it didn't happen to him that way, he perceived it his way and his perception, in his life, is correct for him. My husband use to have to remind me, "We're on the same side!" Oops

The best way to get some good stuff from him is to try giving good stuff TO him. Sometimes I think we get to thinking too hard about what we need and forget how much we love the other and need/want to help the other get what they need too, as they view that need. If he likes being alone watching sports, leave him alone; bring him a fresh beer and a healthy snack? Your positive influence might penetrate his negative "wall" and weaken it some. If he's relaxed he's more likely to think of/realize that you are "there" and remember he loves you too and wants you to be happy just as you do him.

Don't be too particular about how you like your romance though? If he's not a candle guy, it gets very frustrating hoping for candles from him or for hot baths for two in a candlelit bathtub (a la "Pretty Woman").

I remember a good, older friend of mine, the woman I considered my mentor as a matter of fact, and she was sick and a guy friend brought her over hot dogs :-) She didn't like hot dogs and especially when she didn't feel well! But it was the "thought"; he did the "best he could" as an older, single man because that's who he was and that he thought of her and tried is very sweet, even though it wasn't exactly what she would have chosen.

Eventually maybe you'll be able to have conversation where you can share with each other what you really "like" and some of that will stick. I was able to mock-tease my husband into getting me a chocolate rabbit for Easter each year. One year he had to have a guy friend stop at a store on his way over Easter afternoon for dinner and the poor guy had no clue what "type" of rabbit so bought me three (presented to me as from my husband though :-) and I ate the one with caramel in it first and I'm lactose sensitive so it made me extremely sick the rest of the evening/night. But the whole experience and the two men trying to make me happy and my mistake of not knowing caramel has a great deal of lactose in it, etc. is priceless to me.

[lovelystars]

Hi Sadface,
I agree with Perna. I haven't been married that long (about 3 years) but it sounds like perhaps trying to rekindle some romance might help. I'll tell you some things we have done. Once you start it, maybe he will reciprocate it. Try writing tiny poems and leaving them where he will find them. Or, use eyeliner/lipstick to write a sweet message to your husband on the bathroom mirror that he will get when he wakes up. You could also get a flower and put it in the air vent of his car. Or, leave a scavenger hunt around the house of small gifts for him. If you do want the candles and stuff, just get some cute lingerie and set the mood in the bedroom yourself J . Our environment often has a heavy impact on our behavior so by setting up a romantic scene hopefully you will get the romance you want.

[sadface]

Thanks to all of you. A lot of good ideas. I am seeing that I spend zero time thinking about how sex, what I want, being creative. Mostly I just think about how inept my husband is when it comes to that department. I am going to put more thought into ways to spark romance. I have come to terms about how little affection I get from him. It has taken a lot of years. He used to hurt my feelings because I felt he didn't care but that really wasn't true. He is just not a touchy feely kind of person.

[Tatyana2009]

You say that he is not mature. That he may never grow up. No matter how how much communication you can not make him grow up.

I fear that you ll end up hurting yourself more... as it sounds like he has little empathy to your needs and has an issue with respect.

If you spent most of your time thinking about the negatives - maybe there was a good reason for that...

[sadface]

Thank you everyone. I went to pdoc today and she is changing my med from Lamictal to Wellbutrin. I hope this helps my libido issues some. The Lamictal isn't addressing my depression issues. I am having recurrent infections in my lungs which no one can stop and now the constant antibiotic use is causing problems with my GI tract. I also have H pylori bacteria and had to go on antibiotic therapy for that. I have low adrenal function now so I am a big mess. I feel for my husband because he married a healthy person and since then my health has gone downhill.

[Tatyana2009]

I am sorry to read your health is in bad shape.

Try some herbal remedies. Here is a site of a herbalist that is excellent. Her name is Mary. You can also email her and explain your situation and she will advise you.

http://www.naturesherbs.biz/store/2171581/home

http://www.naturesherbs.biz/askdrmary

I consulted with her once about a physical problem that drs could not solve - and she sorted it. Worth trying! Good luck x

[sadface]

Originally Posted by hayward

hey, Sadface.. I just realized something...

Is THAT where my husband goes when he is working "late"? To your house? Are you his other family? Or are they twin brothers, separated at birth??

Seriously, I know how you feel, and I'm not just saying that! I certainly do not think that what he is doing is okay, and I don't want to let these guys off the hook. But as I get older I have realized a few things that actually do make me feel better about all of this, depending on my mood of course!

I think the key phrase you used here is "emotionally stunted." Because they really are. But I don't think they just decided to be that way, or even do it on purpose. They don't know any better, even if you say it over and over again. Women really are the superior sex.

Ok ok, so I KNOW there are exceptions, but women and men are really different. I think sometimes we forget that- we expect other people to think and feel the same way that we do. When they don't, we take it personally, but it really has nothing to do with us. They are just incapable of the same warmth and caring and depth of emotion and understanding that we have! And, depending on the circumstances of how they were raised, it can make men some even harder to deal with than they otherwise would be.

I do best when I just lower my expectations.. then I don't get disappointed, and any little good thing that happens thrills me. Avoiding him is also good; absence doesn't make my heart grow fonder but it helps me from going crazy and killing him.

Distractions are also good. Sure, there are the usual walks or music or movies or computer time, but don't forget the classic standbys of shopping, good chocolate, wine, or perhaps masturbation, or all four.

I am not a big sports fan, but I find that sometimes I can watch to just check out the guys, and of course to make comments on their uniforms or colors or ask questions which really bug him, like "where does that invisible line on the football field come from?" and "why aren't there any white guys on the basketball court?"

And finally, always remember that you are not alone in this. The bottom line is that if you trade him in, you will just get a different model. He may not have those same issues, but there will be something else, because everyone has their ----. So, choose your battles, and whenever you are upset with him say "It could be worse.. he could be a _______ (insert some unthinkable thing)" and count your blessings that he is indeed "a good man", as you say.

(Oh, and I just want to add one more thing. A long time ago I was complaining to my husband that he didn't love me, or show me that he did. His response: "What do you mean?? I washed your car today, didn't I ??")

Loved your response. Sounds like you have this type of guy figured out pretty good. I went to my pdoc on Monday and he asked how it went and I told him she changed my med....Wellbutrin instead of Lamictal. He asked me why and I told him I am depressed and have been for more than six months. He has been so much nicer to me this week. Could be that I told him the Wellbutrin can help with libido and he is thinking hmmmm....this could be good for me! You know keeping a good sense of humor as I can tell you do it so important. I am hoping this Wellbutrin helps with my mood.