[Distressed2010]

Sorry its so long, but it's not all that boring , please read and give me your views. THANKS!

So, as some of you know, I'm already dealing with the childhood sexual abuse thing but for a while, there is this thing that's been bothering me.

I suck at setting boundries with outsiders, at home I'm an "okay" assertive person.

So, I have/had this married guy friend, I'm in my late 20s, he's in his late 30s and has kids and is happily married. The way I first met him:

Last year, I met a guy at a conference who forwarded me to this guy and I was looking for a job after graduation. At that time, I kept it very professional. He'd send me friendly emails (nothing sexual or bad), normal friendly, which I didn't expect because I was treating it strictly professional. Then he said I didn't have to be that professional, so i loosened up a little and I THOUGHT we were developing a friendship UNTIL!:

He ended an email of his with "with love, kisses, and hugs". Made me really uncomfortable but I ignored it. He also mentioned something like "somethings happened to you in the past so you dont open up easily". But the thing is he would never open up either... After this incident, I thought he was trying to get into my pants and avoided him until I somehow changed my mind and decided to give it a chance, since i'm bad at building friendships and i thought maybe i should try and give it another chance, maybe this could turn out to be a nice friendship, ignoring my intuition. oh and he always addresses my name with "sexy" which i dont always like but have never said anything, feel i might be rude?

This time, he invited me to lunch and his family happened to be there, i met his wife and kids, I WAS SO RELIEVED!

But then! I met him again for dinner a while back when he was visiting my town, and he said he was trying to figure me out, as in.. I'm in my late twenties but I'm not married, I don't have a bf, I don't have a career (although I'm trying to work towards one right now and he knows this!).. so then what about needs. And i'm like what needs?

Basically he was asking me if and/or why I did/didn't have casual sex. Or how i satisfied the need to be held in guys' arms. I told him even though I felt very uncomfortable. But after that I felt sort of violated (i know maybe its my bad boundry setting skills because he caught me off guard). I felt violated because I told him something that was about my personal life without realizing it was personal, until an aquaintaince told me later when I discussed it with the aquantiance, that the married guy was being rude.

At the same time, I felt VERY CHEAP and shameful! The whole situation made me feel cheap. Like a cheap, trampy woman. Wasn't he trying to judge me? AND HOW DARE HE!

He's pretty helpful in putting me in touch with people in the industry, etc.

Was he trying to get into my pants???

[sabby]

Distressed.....hon, if your gut tells you something is amiss then it is! Always go with your gut instincts.

No married man who is faithful to his wife and family will start calling another woman "sexy" or digging for information from you about relationships and/or your sexual encounters. Can I just say, RED FLAGS ARE FLYING!!!

If this was happening to me, I would not care how helpful he could be in finding employment or connecting you to others in the field, I would drop him like a hot potato. There are many more individuals out there who you can network with that are not playing on your possible vulnerabilities.

In my opinion, he is an opportunist and looking for a conquest. "I'll do something for you if you do something for me" comes to my mind.

Please be careful and take care of YOU! You have every right to assert yourself in this instance and it may mean the difference between being used and being safe.

With respect,
sabby

[KathyM]

You are a sexual fantasy to him - something to devour when he's hungry - and he's trying see if he's got a shot at making his fantasy come true.

Men get a little bored after they "conquer" a wife, because it's the chase and anticipation that excites them so. He still feels like a "stud," so he sniffed you out. If he's successful, he can brag to his friends that he got a fresh piece of *** without his wife ever knowing - better yet, he got both of you to sit down at his table together.

You'd be of good use to him when he's away from his wife and wants a free and friendly "hooker." - you can keep his "belly warm" with casual sex, free of charge and consequences (uh-huh). He's assuming he can get really "freaky" with you and do things his wife would never allow him to do - or try.

I have a married friend who constantly flirts with me right in front of my husband - asking me when I'm going to leave my husband and run off with him. He knows damn well it's a joke - but he keeps testing the water nonetheless.

Whenever he asks when I'm going to run away with him in front of my husband, I just tell him "Honey, you would NEVER be able to handle me - I've already got my man."

If/when he pushes it further, I simply tell him - "Let's bring your wife Diane into this picture and she what SHE has to say about you having "casual" sex with a young "babydoll" while you'r'e out there picking up her medications and providing for her needs."

If this guy continues to push it with you, the next time you are all sitting at the dinner table together - ask him out loud in front of his wife "Why would you need casual sex from me?" OR - you could ask his wife "What would you do if someone told you your husband had a mistress?" They can then talk it over among themselves while you eat your dessert!

If you don't want all the hassle - break off the "friendship" altogether. If not, he will probably become outraged and jealous if you ever meet a boyfriend - because he wants to keep you in his pocket, away from his wife.

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by KathyM

You are a sexual fantasy to him - something to devour when he's hungry - and he's trying see if he's got a shot at making his fantasy come true.

Men get a little bored after they "conquer" a wife, because it's the chase and anticipation that excites them so. He still feels like a "stud," so he sniffed you out. If he's successful, he can brag to his friends that he got a fresh piece of *** without his wife ever knowing - better yet, he got both of you to sit down at his table together.

You'd be of good use to him when he's away from his wife and wants a free and friendly "hooker." - you can keep his "belly warm" with casual sex, free of charge and consequences (uh-huh). He's assuming he can get really "freaky" with you and do things his wife would never allow him to do - or try.

I have a married friend who constantly flirts with me right in front of my husband - asking me when I'm going to leave my husband and run off with him. He knows damn well it's a joke - but he keeps testing the water nonetheless.

Whenever he asks when I'm going to run away with him in front of my husband, I just tell him "Honey, you would NEVER be able to handle me - I've already got my man."

If/when he pushes it further, I simply tell him - "Let's bring your wife Diane into this picture and she what SHE has to say about you having "casual" sex with a young "babydoll" while you'r'e out there picking up her medications and providing for her needs."

If this guy continues to push it with you, the next time you are all sitting at the dinner table together - ask him out loud in front of his wife "Why would you need casual sex from me?" OR - you could ask his wife "What would you do if someone told you your husband had a mistress?" They can then talk it over among themselves while you eat your dessert!

If you don't want all the hassle - break off the "friendship" altogether. If not, he will probably become outraged and jealous if you ever meet a boyfriend - because he wants to keep you in his pocket, away from his wife.

LOL. Thanks Kathy. He did email me after that dinner but i never responded. He'll probalby try emailing me again, to which I'm gonna ignore again!

And if he asks why I'm not emailing back, I'll probably tell him I felt uncomfortable with him questioning my personal life.

That night, I kept telling him, okay now i feel weird. This was a weird conversation, etc..

I also told him i found casual sex disgusting and he looked offended, as in he's like well to each his own. and i was like, yeah, but its still disgusting to me..

[Distressed2010]

There were times when iw as okay with being called sexy and then there were times when i didn't like it. I didn't mind it when it sounded clean playful, but then when he would ask "hey did you find anyone pretty for me?" i didnt like it, because he's married and he should stick to his wife. otherwise leave her, if he wants to poke his lips elsewhere. I wonder if this has to do anything with my childhood molestation ?? (although this isnt any sort of trigger, my molester never said anything like this).

But even when he'd ask me THAT, I'd still feel cheap, because I felt like indirectly he was sending this to me.

Oh and he called me naive once during a convo. yuckky person!

I can't believe i ignored the signs!! i need to get better at this!!

Also, CAN ANYONE TELL ME if I could have stood up for myself a lot earlier in this situation? LIke when he said "with luv, hugs, and kisses"? or when he said you don't open up coz something major has happened in your life?

[Distressed2010]

should i also delete him from my facebook?, although i don't put much private stuff on it..

sorry this happened to you. yeah, i'd delete him from facebook. he sounds like trouble and was definitely trying to see if you'd have sex with him when he asked you questions about casual sex and your needs. maybe try to come up with some phrases that you can have handy for when people say intrusive things. like, "i'm really not comfortable talking about that", "that's kind of a personal question", etc.

How about asking him what his wife thinks about casual sex?

[sabby]

I think the time to figure these kinds of things out is when your gut first twinges and you think.....rut roh....something is amiss here. Take some time to think about why your gut did that. Try to look at the big picture (which is hard to do at times) and see exactly what happened to make you feel uncomfortable.

Everyone is different and handles things like this differently. In learning how to deal affectively, one may have to have more proof than another before deciding that something isn't right. So don't put yourself down for it just because you may not have gotten it right away. The fact that you posted here and questioned about it is awesome. That shows that you are thinking about things and questioning the right things!

There are a number of ways that you can respond to both men and women alike who may be prying too far with personal questions. I like to deal with thing with humor as much as possible, but it does get the point across. I'll say things like "If I told you, I'd have to kill you" or "That information is on a need to know basis only, and you don't need to know". Of course, I'm smiling at the person while I'm saying those things so they know that I'm not angry with them, but they know I will not go there. If you don't want to use humor, it's perfectly alright to tell someone that you don't feel comfortable discussing the subject with them, or that you feel it's too personal a question and can we change the subject?

Most people will back off and give you your space and have respect for you. Some will not. Of those that will not, then they truly are not the ones you want to associate with because they don't respect boundaries or privacy.

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by bloom3

sorry this happened to you. yeah, i'd delete him from facebook. he sounds like trouble and was definitely trying to see if you'd have sex with him when he asked you questions about casual sex and your needs. maybe try to come up with some phrases that you can have handy for when people say intrusive things. like, "i'm really not comfortable talking about that", "that's kind of a personal question", etc.

Thanks Bloom.

The issue is that:

1. most times i dont know what personal questions are. Also, I noticed in my past i revealed info about myself that was personal, thinking i was being friendly.. but later realized i shouldnt have.

A lot of times in the past, I've found myself in situations where I just ask myself "how did i get here????"

2. So at first, i did feel uncomfortable, but i wasn't sure if it was personal question. Also, I think i was in my head feeling insulted that I had been asked this, so to shut him up I wanted to tell him that i found it disgusting and that should send the message across clearly, because then he'd feel ashamed of asking me this.. or would feel judged.. because he was sitting there judging me.

3. Also, he was asking it so indirectly that I wasn't sure what he was asking.. his question was like "So, you dont have a bf, then?' and i was like "then, what? what do you mean? what exactly are you asking me?"



Don't know why if its me or there are more like me out there, but i just don't get the hint until someone asks me DIRECTLY in clear words what they're trying to ask, beating around bushes confuses me! so i sit there in my own confusion trying to figure out what he's trying to say and at the same time what I'm feeling, and at the same time how should i set a boundry without being rude? and at the same time "its night time and he's my ride home, don't want to be too rude either" Its not like US where i could cab safely.

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by sabby

I think the time to figure these kinds of things out is when your gut first twinges and you think.....rut roh....something is amiss here. Take some time to think about why your gut did that. Try to look at the big picture (which is hard to do at times) and see exactly what happened to make you feel uncomfortable.

Everyone is different and handles things like this differently. In learning how to deal affectively, one may have to have more proof than another before deciding that something isn't right. So don't put yourself down for it just because you may not have gotten it right away. The fact that you posted here and questioned about it is awesome. That shows that you are thinking about things and questioning the right things!

There are a number of ways that you can respond to both men and women alike who may be prying too far with personal questions. I like to deal with thing with humor as much as possible, but it does get the point across. I'll say things like "If I told you, I'd have to kill you" or "That information is on a need to know basis only, and you don't need to know". Of course, I'm smiling at the person while I'm saying those things so they know that I'm not angry with them, but they know I will not go there. If you don't want to use humor, it's perfectly alright to tell someone that you don't feel comfortable discussing the subject with them, or that you feel it's too personal a question and can we change the subject?

Most people will back off and give you your space and have respect for you. Some will not. Of those that will not, then they truly are not the ones you want to associate with because they don't respect boundaries or privacy.

Thank you sabby, that really helps, and yes I do like the humor examples a lot. I think I'm gonna use your "if i tell you i have to kill you then". LOL.



I also don't like it when a girl acquaintance address me as "Hey *****!" or "hey sexy *****"... what can i say to her without being rude about it?

Also, if a guy calls me "sexy" or "baby" and i want it to stop, how should i respond?


one time there was this guy, who was practicing a monologue in one of my acting classes a while back and he said to me "yeah you *****.." it was part of his monologue but I thought he was saying it to me, and I said stop i dont like it. and he kept doing it. i said stop it! i don't like that. and he still kept going. so i said "okay fine, keep going but i'm not listening." and i walked away.

He looked insulted. 3 days later he saw me again and said "hey you crazy ***** you crazy ***** crazy crazy ***** whats up?" I sat there, angry for a second, and got up and walked away. it was me, him and my scene partner. I told my scene partner i'm leaving. the guy also held my shoulders and shook em while saying that. I DID NOT LIKE THAT A BIT. but i didn't know if it would have been worth it to say anything back to him or walk away??

The anger in me was there for days!

[TheDragon]

I would just like to point out that if he was just asking questions, he might have been genuinely curious. We shouldn't jump to conclusions and assume the worst of someone. Not all men try to "conquer" another after they found someone. Sometimes people are curious and try to get to know you better but some of the questions are awkward to you when it's something they're comfortable talking about.

And even when you're married with some couples they feel that a bit of flirting is okay.

If he very directly came onto you, and it made you feel uncomfortable then say so. Otherwise it's not fair to judge what a person does within their relationship as one does not know what a person consents to with their partner. We should all be careful about jumping to conclusions.

A married man who is curious does not have to call someone sexy to ask a question; nor do they have to end an email with love and kisses. Asking about casual sex and acting disappointed in the answer seems more than being curious.

Yes, jumping to conclusions can be problematical. Even so, there is no requirement that someone submit to questioning, especially when it makes them uncomfortable. This dude may have a different perception of what is appropriate. The one that counts, however, is yours.

Be safe.

[sabby]

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

Thank you sabby, that really helps, and yes I do like the humor examples a lot. I think I'm gonna use your "if i tell you i have to kill you then". LOL.

I'm glad that was helpful to you.

I also don't like it when a girl acquaintance address me as "Hey *****!" or "hey sexy *****"... what can i say to her without being rude about it?

It would be very appropriate to quietly say to the girl, "I know this is sometimes a fun way to address a friend, but to me, it makes me uncomfortable. Would you be so kind as to not refer to me in that way anymore? I would really appreciate it!" Maybe some might take offense, but most would consider your request and think it fair. Not everyone is out to hurt or insult another.

Also, if a guy calls me "sexy" or "baby" and i want it to stop, how should i respond?
Hmm....how about looking at them and saying "You're not addressing me in that fashion are you?" "My name is _____ and that is what I answer to best". If they do it again after you have said something like that, then ignoring them would again get the idea across that you are not going to answer to those names.



one time there was this guy, who was practicing a monologue in one of my acting classes a while back and he said to me "yeah you *****.." it was part of his monologue but I thought he was saying it to me, and I said stop i dont like it. and he kept doing it. i said stop it! i don't like that. and he still kept going. so i said "okay fine, keep going but i'm not listening." and i walked away.
I'm not sure I understand. Was he practicing on you without your permission and just pushing the monologue on you? Was he expecting you to play along with his monologue with more monologue?

He looked insulted. 3 days later he saw me again and said "hey you crazy ***** you crazy ***** crazy crazy ***** whats up?" I sat there, angry for a second, and got up and walked away. it was me, him and my scene partner. I told my scene partner i'm leaving. the guy also held my shoulders and shook em while saying that. I DID NOT LIKE THAT A BIT. but i didn't know if it would have been worth it to say anything back to him or walk away??
Hmmm....it sounds like he was being rude this time and then putting his hands on you was, in my book, stepping into your space and invading it. I can understand why you were angry at this.

The anger in me was there for days!

@TheDragon,

I understand what you are saying here, but distressed isn't trying to judge this married man, she's trying to understand what he was doing. She has every right to feel uncomfortable with what he said to her and how. It's incumbent upon the man to act appropriately around members of the opposite sex. If how he acted and spoke made distressed feel uncomfortable, then she is within her rights to explore why/how and what she can do now or in the future to help extract herself from that kind of situation without feeling guilty. I don't see her judging him at all......just asking questions and there is nothing wrong with that.

[lynn P.]

I think this guy is acting inappropriately. Since your connection to him was supposed to be professional and business related - he crossed the line in his emails and personal questions to you. He supposedly had connections you wanted - he's in the authoritative position. He figures if I scratch your back(giving you connections) then he'll take advantage of that and get what he wants. He's basically fishing and trying to sense if you'll bite and he's enjoying the chase.

I suggest you measure how valuable a connection he is - why do you have to be connected to him? If you're going to go out to dinner with him, you should have your own ride home - why the need for dinner?

How to handle advances like this - the humorous way is good but for me personally I like the direct approach. To me it's not worth it to get a few connections, but to have to deal with a married guy like this. I've been in sticky situations with married men before and I really detest men who are married being flirty. As Sabby said, you should trust your instincts. You can learn how to be assertive.

How about asking him what his wife thinks about casual sex?

^^
I think the statement Byz gave, would be the perfect comeback for his question about casual sex lol.

[Distressed2010]

First of all, Thank You everyone for joining in, this has become a pretty interesting conversation! and helpful ofcourse

@Dragonfly: I agree with you that sometimes people are curious and I am the same way, infact I've hurt some people with my curiosity in the past because like i said before, i'm still learning whats personal and whats not.. and for the longest time, i treated questions like this pretty normal because I thought well! every human being has sex, every human being suffers pain, etc.. so why are people shy about talking about it but now I'm realizing that sometimes people are just uncomfortable or don't want to remember a hurtful experience.

I would like to add though that this wasn't just one question that made me doubt him. It was a factor of things such as :

1. He's not an american. In US, its a lot more open and i feel a lot more comfortable discussing the topic of "casual sex" with others, as in how it affects you mentally, etc.. but i might not be comfortable sharing if I do it or not, unless I feel like you're not trying to get more info about me, which in this case I felt the guy kept on asking me personal things but wouldn't tell any of his. Also, when I'd ignore the personal question and change topics, he'd say something must've happened to you to not share. (btw, all this is not just one interaction with him, its based on multiple interactions)

Non-american guys are very different when they think of a woman. They might respect you on your face and totally disrespect you behind your back. or they'll be nice to you on your face and treat you like a piece of meat in their heads and undress you while you sit there in their heads. Now i know someone might say all men do this, but i don't know how to explain it, its jsut different with non-american men. They "expect" different things. like some of them will think just coz you were nice to them, you have a thing for them... or because you discussed the topic of "casual sex", in general -not personal, then you're like a sex-crazed female.

Even when I told him no, i'm not married and he's like but the normal age here is late 20s you're married, and I said so? its okay. he's like but you're not american. BUT I AM THOUGH! My ethnicity is not american but i've spent most of my life in America and yes I might not completely be american and i'm also not completely non-american, I'm just MYSELF! I don't like being boxed, but yes I do have a lot of westernized/open views on many things (eventhough I'm not a fan of my dysfunctional family, some of my western views are because of my parents and how they're accepting of all cultures-and critical at times, but we'll just ignore that part ) and then some conservative views on others.

(about him) How can you say that when the friendship is so fresh? Even if something did happen to cause me to be guarded, you're sort of putting me on a spot by saying it out loud like this and making me uncomfortable from the getgo.

2. He kept referring to me as "sexy" in EVERY email/text. I didn't mind it at first, but then when it was EVERY single conversation piece, that made me uncomfortable. And maybe its just me, as in, I don't say "hey sexy" to every guy I meet. I also say it VERy rarely, if so, it'll probably be towards a guy I'm in a relationship with.. or maybe to a friend that Knows i'm not into him like that. I'm playful, but not in a sexual way, infact guys that get very sexual-flirty is quiet a turnoff for me.

3. He ended his convo's with "love, hugs, and kisses". IMO, thats really unnecessary. Maybe you and your wife have an agreement on flirting but I'm just getting to know you. It was just too gooey for a "married" friend of an opposite sex.

4. He'd constantly ask me "so did you find any hot girls for me?" I didn't like that. Why should i be finding hot girls for you, even if its a joke! and hello! you're married! I wouldn't want my bf/husband to go around asking other girls stuff like this, i'd be pissed!

5. Then came the day when he asked me about casual sex INDIRECTLY first... and I found it insulting because I'm in my late 20s. In this country (won't mention where i am) people are married by 27/28. Him re-iterating the fact that I'm not married, neither do i have a bf, really annoyed me, especially since I had already told him that I'm in my late 20s and I'm still restarting life. Why do you have to call me out on the fact that i'm not married or have a bf? what if i'm looking to get married? what if i'm looking for a bf, just haven't gotten the chance coz i moved around so much??? (wow, i'm seriously really annoyed with him after realizing all this!).

I even told him to find me guys, and i can say this coz i'm single! but he can't say it to me coz he's married. if he wants to play the field, he better be IN the field (single), not sit on the bench and try to shoot while holding his wife's hand. It was also me and him alone at dinner, so i felt uncomfortable.

Hmm, now that I think of it, I felt uncomfortable when I plainly just went for that dinner! I had eyes looking at me, like i was a hooker or something. again, its not the US. so its different. a girl alone with a guy.

But thanks anyway TheDragon, I understand you were just trying to show the "other" side of this situation but maybe after reading all this, you might be able to see what I'm trying to say, as it just wasn't a simple question, but various experiences with him over a span of 4 months or so..



@Sabby: Thankyou for all those lovely suggestions! I will use them in the future for sure!

About the guy, he never asked me for the permission to use it on me and just came out of nowhere. Also, he's kind of a rough guy like he's quiet big but then very arrogant, and I felt like he thought he could just say anything to a girl and she'll be all goo goo gaa gaa over him, but that kind of attitude actually gets on my nerves. I'm not unequal/piece of meat to you just because i'm a woman.

@Lynn: Thankyou once again! Yes, Iunderstand what you're saying. I think when I was replying to Sabby, I had two people in my head. One was a girl and one is the married man. I think for the girl, i'd be fine using humor but for this guy, definitely direct is better!

Lynn, we went out for dinner because he was visiting my town, and I thought it was a friendly dinner, it wasn't like a date. He had to pick me up because i dont have a car here yet. and cabs aren't safe for women here. so that was why he was my ride. Was it a bad idea to have dinner with him? i did carry mace with me.

[Distressed2010]

okay! never mind! i can't believe i wrote all that just to find out later TheDragon, you're a guy. lol. so maybe that's why you're having a very different view than the rest on here.

can i ask you if you're married?

[Distressed2010]

Lynn & Byzantine,

Couldn't have asked him about his wife because he asked the question in an odd way, saying:

i'm single so don't i feel the urge to be in a guy's arm? usually girls my age are married/relationship but then i'm single, so how do i fill that need? (that's his question)

Not sure how the wife's casual sex part fits in that? :|

[Distressed2010]

Im pretty good at assertiveness at home, and pretty good at it outside at times, but in front of other people (peoplethat i think i want to maintain a longterm friendship with -not necessarily this guy- but others whether its a girl or guy, with THOSE people I suck at assertivenss.

Any ideas how to get over that, and why its the case that i'm assertive but when its people that I care what they think about me, i freeze??

[danvb]

Distressed,

A guys point-of-view here...

ANY time a guy says or does ANYTHING that is not respectful to you AS A WOMAN or makes you feel uncomfortable, drop him like a he is on fire! He knows what he is doing! He is NOT making any innocent or innocuous comments. What he is doing is intentional and intended to intimidate you. It absolutely is predatory behavior that should not be tolerated in any way. The guy is a scum bag piece of trash!

I've read other posts here where people talked about what you should say to him when he treats you like a piece of meat... My advice is to say NOTHING to him. He deserves no response! - Simply turn around and walk away with all of the self confidence you can muster! You are doing a good thing! Tell yourself that as you walk away. You are acting in your own best interests!! You are a special, wonderful person! If you walk away from him he'll do his best to try to make you think that you are being too touchy or too sensitive or *****y or any other thing that he can think of the make you LESS OF A WOMAN and at fault. It's all he can do. Ignore all of those predatory lines...regardless of how innocent he tries to make himself appear, and he will. He KNOWS how to play on your emotions and exploit them to get what he wants from you. Do NOT worry about hurting his feelings. Do NOT be concerned about what he might think of you. That's what he'l planning on! He KNOWS that women are usually willing to compromise themselves in order to avoid a confrontation.

Oh yes, he will parade all of his wounded innocence before you like an injured bird. He will tell you how much you have hurt him. He will tell you that he can't understand how you could act that way to him because all he ever did was ...blah blah blah blah...

Trust me. It's all a ploy.

You deserve better. YOU are not at fault for any of his abuse. YOU did not cause ANY of this. HE is a predator and YOU are his prey. It's just that simple. It can't be any plainer than that.

If you hang around and not distance yourself from him in all regards, he will think that you WANT his attention an are encouraging his sexual pursuit. In his mind, you are just playing the "game" and are being "hard to get". That will only stiffen his resolve to have you.

Distressed, I can not state this forcefully enough - Get away from him. You are nothing but his prey and his plaything. You have NO future with him !!

Here, read my lips: GET - AWAY - FROM - HIM

Oh, one last thing. Listen to your intuition. It can be your best friend! It will NOT steer you wrong.
You are here asking some very troubled questions. What does that tell you about what your intuition is telling you. Hmmm? Listen... can you hear it? Yes, it IS your intuition speaking to you!!

[TheDragon]

Distressed - You're absolutely in your right to get away and/or tell him that he's crossing lines and being inappropriate if you feel he is. Don't get me wrong, I think if you feel uncomfortable then you're well within your right to remove him from your life. Based on everything you've said he seems to be overstepping his boundaries and is being disrespectful and rude so I absolutely support the fact that you should create some distance and do what you need to in order to feel safe and comfortable.

My comments were more directed at everyone else who responded. I just feel we are a tad too fast to jump and assume the worst in people, and while I am a highly cynical person and am often critical of people, I do believe that we should not assume that someone has the worst intentions. Sometimes what we view as negative actions may be coming from something innocent. I am not defending this man, but just saying that while these actions make you uncomfortable and are over the top, it may be something more acceptable to him. He may come from a culture where his actions are appropriate by his standards, but not ours.

[danvb]

There is no question that there are some pretty significant differences in the interaction between men and women from one culture to another. For instance, a few years ago I spent a week visiting a woman that I know in England. On the flight home I met a man from Lebanon. During the course of our conversation I told him why I had made the trip. He absolutely could not fathom how I could be away from my wife for a whole week while I was visiting a woman and not have sex with her. For the longest time he inferred that it was just the two of us guys talking so he wanted to know all about how good the sex was with the woman in England and that it was ok for me to tell him about (nudge-nudge wink-wink)... It went on and on like that in spite of my explanations to the contrary... that she was just a friend... that my wife knew of and approved of the trip and so on... He genuinely could not comprehend how I could visit a woman friend for a week, and not have sex with her. Finally I asked him if he had a sister. He said that he did. When I told him that the relation I had with the woman in England was just like the relationship he had with his sister, he understood why I would not want to have sex with her. Now THAT he understood and made sense to him. But it was ONLY after I explained it in those terms that he got it.

It was a very, very strange plane trip home...

There certainly are cultural differences. But that still doesn't excuse ANY man for treating a woman with disrespect... Now, if Distressed was in a foreign country, then it would be HER obligation to understand and abide by the customs of that country... just as this fellow should be doing while he is living here.

Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it no matter HOW wrong I am!!

@dragon

one thing i think you are not considering is that Distressed has a history of SA. this can alter things, namely her ability to set appropriate boundaries in specifically these sorts of situations. i don't have SA in my background but i do have other types of abuse and i also have a hard time setting and maintaining boundaries with men. to tell someone with those sorts of histories to be open and have a go-with-the-flow attitude with what Distressed described could unfortunately put her in a dangerous situation and men who are abusive or predatory do pick up on this vulnerability. as for her specific situation with this guy i also got a sense he is rather "predatory" as danvb said. can i know that with any absolute certainty? no, but i have enough experience to trust my gut in these situations even while taking into consideration cross-cultural issues. having been in countries where men walk down the street openly holding hands and they are totally heterosexual i think i'm a bit aware of those considerations.

[TheDragon]

I realize that having a history of abuse and skewer our perceptions. I know first hand.

All I'm trying to do is point out that instead of jumping to conclusions about others, why don't we focus on helping Distressed deal with the situation? Ultimately this is about Distressed, and how she can better handle the situation, no the morality of another person.

[Distressed2010]

@DanV: Thanks a bunch for telling me all that! it really helps a ton!! I also want to say I wasn't looking for a future with this guy, I had just thought of it as a friendship (since I lack friendships, he did seem nice at first but then i was confused at the same time since he was married and constantly wondered how his wife felt about a friendship like this), hence I felt uncomfortable when these things occurred.

Can you tell me how i can detect/signs a guy that wants to be just friends vs a guy that wants to get into my pants?

Also, If you dont mind me asking, I would like to know about the trip that you made to the woman in England, how does your wife feel comfortable and not worry that something won't happen between you two?

I only ask because I have jealousy issues of my own and would like to work on that. I had something similar with a bf who spent the weekend in the hotel room with a girl-friend of his, and I just couldn't take it. (also, he lied to me about that weekend.. possibly because he knew i wasn't comfortable with it but he also know I was going through a very rough time, like i was depressed etc and i asked him to be there with me the next weekend because he was all i had and needed him...anyway, i wont get into that right now- thats probably 3 more posts and its the past.)

@Bloom, thankyou for your response to Dragon, it clarifies things for me as well I do think the SA is a problem here as well.
Could you tell me what you mean by him playing on my vulnerabilities and what my vulnerability would be? Am I too naive??

@TheDragon: Thanks for your responses but I feel everyone here is helping me deal with the situation because first, i'd have to learn what's going on in the situation so I can detect it the next time it happens. We are working on cure and not temporary relief. Also, I feel that if this guy is married and he is trying to get into my pants as everyone else is hinting here, his actions talk bad about his morals, that's him doing this, not us judging him.

And morality goes hand in hand to how to handle the situation, don't you think? first step would be to judge the situation/person/thing, then move forward.