are you shy?

I am so shy. No that's not even the word: phobic. I literally have a phobia of rejected, as well as of being liked. Does that even make sense??????????

Today I got home and there were two messages on my answering machine from when I was away from cute guys that I met about going on coffee dates, which I am literally thinking about not answering. Sometimes when I see a cute guy looking at me or they start talking to me, it makes me feel worse!

Because it brings up all these feelings of maybe not being good enough! (Ouch).

A couple of times I have tried to bring this up and get help in therapy, but I feel like if you are a shy person, they just walk all over you more. (Oof!)

My last therapist even said most people wouldn't like me because I'm so nervous around them. (Ugh!)

More testimony: my last boyfriend and I played phone tag for more than 2 months before our first date, and at the end of it, he said, "you know I believe you when you say you're not playing hard to get.... you ARE hard to get."

Just curious is anyone else here this thin skinned when getting to know people?

I consider myself shy. However, I push myself to talk to people. I do better if I'm with someone I know and then they are talking to friends of theirs. If that makes sense. Just randomly meeting people or talking to strangers, not so good. I'm the one who would like to stand in the corner of the room and have no one notice me or have the floor open up and swallow me.

Hi, Lastyear. Before I say anything, what kind of therapist did you have?? How dare he/she say that!

Well, for me, I'm not terribly shy when I meet people. I try to be happy and introduce myself though my introductions aren't the best. I kinda randomly say, "Hey, my name is...," but regardless, I still manage to talk well with new people.

I tend to get worse though, as time goes on. You see, I become friends with person A, and we really start to get along, but later on, things fade away and I become shyer, and shyer, and shyer. I don't understand why I would do that, but I do. What a life. :|

I try to believe, though, that people are shy and quiet too. By being more outgoing than usual can help the other person, and myself as well, to break out of our shells more.

Sorry if this post seems all scattered. I'm kinda scattered myself right now.

Take care, Lastyear and PleaseHelp!

OMG I am so shy. I don't know whether it's "painfully shy" or "pathologically shy," or what; I am just very shy. It takes me forever to get to know people. I have had a core group of friends for like, 35 years almost, and sometimes I still wonder whether they really like me.

I don't know what it is. Definitely thin-skinned. Trying to figure out why. It's something I should have dealt with long ago.

Your T's approach sounds like some twisted kind of tough-love technique. I personally don't go for that. I think I understand what the T was trying to say, that being nervous can make it hard for a friendship to get off the ground, but there's got to be a better way to say it. I'd find someone who's a little more supportive. I mean, do you think that approach helped you at all?

I guess in social situations, I try really hard to focus. Figure out what the other person is interested in and talk about that. Underneath my shy exterior, I'm not a total cipher. I have interests and opinions, and I can express them if I can just keep my head on straight. I hope you can do that, too.

I know right! Thank you guys for being pro-shy and not anti-shy.... yeah, I think most shy people suffer from some combination of being closed off, being very sensitive or not knowing the ropes. But I also don't think most non-shy people beat themselves up about it so much when they don't do great or have everyone love them. It is so nice to hear what you guys feel like.... if more people were warm and fuzzy types I probably wouldn't be so anxious talking to them (ok maybe still a little). Lol I don't even want a million facebook friends, I just want to be able to look forward to talking to cute freaking guys.

I wouldn't consider myself shy in the sense, I can be quite outspoken and confident when I feel like it and I have quite strong opinions, but I'm naturally introvert, just have trouble liking people or liking talking to them.

Your therapist sounds terrible! "Most people wouldnt like you either"?? Wow! Most of the therapists I saw was like that, though, they totally thought I was shy and they trampled all over me, such disrespect .. urgh. Don't you hate therapists like that??

Yeah I'm really shy in some situations - though generally I would say I'm more 'reserved' or 'awkward' than 'shy' - but it often amounts to the same!! It takes me a long while to get comfortable with someone, or with a certain group. I'm the quiet one at the back who never says much. Then when I do get comfortable with someone I always find myself thinking I don't like them! I'm finally starting to acknowledge that is the reason why I usually sabotage relationships... I just don't believe that someone could like me as much as I like them! Because I'm super awkward in basically every way!

Yeah, I'm that way too. I didn't use to be this way. I had some horrible things happen to me in the last few years that made me afraid of all people.

I guess being stalked and being in a horribly abusive relationship can do that to you.

lastyear, I have this problem too...I got diagnosed with social phobia when I was 17. (Don't know if you have it or if you are just shy). I try really hard not to be reclusive, though, and I am better than I used to be. I just really enjoy my solitude, but then I get the awful pangs of loneliness at times. And by the way, your therapist sucks.

I don't know if I have social phobia or are just a nervous nelly. :/ what can you do. I am glad it's getting easier for you though wowy!

I am generally a quiet person. I used to be super shy as a teenager so I missed out a lot on life and the social happenings of the time. I didn't see a psychiatrist until I was 40 and I really wish that I had dealt with my shyness and being an introvert before then. I was really sensitive and am on meds that have helped me tremendously. I don't feel shy around people any more. My greatest fear was being laughed at and rejected and I used to feel that if someone liked me that maybe there was something wrong with them??? Really strange. I still battle with rejection and wonder, after I've made a friend or when I start a relationship, "when is it going to end?" "when they find out the real me, will they leave?" Small wonder that I am still alone.......

I have really bad social phobia, I think. I've been in similar situations as hearing the voicemails from people wanting to go out and I ignore them or make some lame excuse for why I can't go. I didn't realize until recently that I'm pretty abnormal about it. Sometimes if a guy I know is texting me a lot and hitting on me, I will flat out say, "you don't want to waste your time with me, I'm disgusting." I'm completely weirded out by most social situations. I hate it.

Hello, lastyearisblank. Shy or outgoing? Introvert or extrovert? Who knows what I will be at any given moment? A work in process. Yep. For sure.

... ghastly therapist!

I am a naturally shy persson, I find asking for help/talking to people face to face and going to interviews and dates a complete nightmare. I am really shy when people first meet me. I can come across as distant and quiet-overly quiet. Takes me a very long time to trust people and even then I am wary of them. I do not trust anyone anymore as I have been let down far too many times in the past.

I can become really quiet or have verbal diahorrea.... whichever one it never ends well as I will either say something stupid or people think I am a fruit loop

I feel your pain! Ever since I've been diagnosed, I've felt like "damaged goods", and can't imagine anyone ever wanting to hang out with me. For me I'm taking small steps; I challenge myself to go out once a week, even if I really don't want to. I find it's opened me up to more people and made me a tiny bit braver. But I actually like shy people; I find that you have to work a little harder to get to know them sometimes, but it's almost always worth the effort

thank you. It's really hard. I am always telling my therapist about how I "just don't seem to like a lot of people" and she tries to re-assure me with "I think you are just very selective, you are not inherently a bad or unpleasant person to be around". I don't know if I will ever be able to get over the relationship hurdle though. For instance, currently I am very attracted to my cousin's brother-in-law. We have met several times before but for whatever reason this time, I had the hots for him! I don't think he is interested in me, although he is super nice and friendly. I was able to share it with his sister and my aunt, they didn't think it was ridiculous or funny and they didn't make me feel bad about it. I don't think anyone is going to tell him, it is going to have to come from me ultimately. I just can't stop thinking about him even though it's been 2 months since I last saw him.

I can't even get to that level. I'm so good at shutting down, I think I am scared of telling them about my problems and why I don't like doing certain things.

I am studying with some nice people that I just met at the library but I literally want to leave. I'm so worried if I say the wrong thing they're gonna reject me.

Don't tell me I'm making it a big thing. I know!!!! My heart is beating so fast.

You are not making a bit thing. Its hard to be around new people to begin with. Even harder when you are shy or have social anxiety issues. Hang in there.

How did it go?

It went ok. We might hang out again. I left early and took a nap for like 3 hours. It might as well have been rock climbing instead of studying, that's how tired I am!

I am definitely going to work on this. It's almost like I get flooded with these negative thoughts when I'm with people. I can feel it all over my body, like a panic reaction to flee!!

It's really nice to share this here and feel like people aren't gonna be judgmental about it.

I signed up for this free workshop for people with social anxiety (not therapy, just sort of an exposure type thing) so we'll see how that goes.

That free workshop sounds like a good idea. Could you study with less people so its not so overwhelming? If you start to feel overwhelmed excuse yourself to the restroom or go outside and just breath and recoup yourself (I've done that before).

Part of me is shy and part of me isn't ... kinda depends on how things are affecting me. I'd sure help you if I knew what to add because ultra-shy can be a problem i know

Sometimes it takes practice. I was just like you at one point and I made myself say Hi to strangers on the elevator or in line. After a while I didn't even have to make myself. I know it seems little but it really worked.

I'm surprised that you're shy lyib. From your posts somehow I had the impression that you're very bold... not that you can't be bold and shy I 'spose. Being shy has been the hardest thing for me in life, I think. getting bullied for it through school until college. I'm at a point where I don't hear people say I'm shy routinely anymore. I'm not sure why since I don't feel very different. But being around people who don't bully me for a few decades now, since I finished high school, has slowly made me more comfortable talking with people when I want to. I actually made an offhand comment about being quiet the other day and the women I was with exclaimed "you're not quiet!" That was pretty nice for me I told them they were the only people in my life who had ever said that, and that got them to insist on it even more.

I think you're younger than me and I'm glad to read you joined a group. I was too embarrassed to really get help with it when I was younger and now I wonder if I could have started feeling better sooner if I had. But my t suggested the other day that I join a group if we could find one. Better late than never