[SweetSunshine]

I"m afraid I am losing it all. Things are not going well with hubby and I at all.He is staring T too . He is getting angry with me , and o/c about finances also. I cant be perfect. The way he wants me to be. Hes got unrealistic expectations of me too. I am not getting it together quick enough for him since the hospital. I am scared cause I am feeling myself going down the same road I was before the hospital now. Depresion is getting worse. And I ohh gosh Ihate saying this , but the suicidal feelings are coming back. PLEASE DO NOT CALL ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trusting all of you on this ok? I cant bear to be taken in like that again. Guys I am so scared I dont know what to do to make him happy without losing everything I have tried to work on for myself these past few months. And i am sure I stil love him cause if I didnt it wouldnt hurt so bad right? What do I do? How can I make this better? "m losing all if it again . I cant go thru that again.I"m sorry I just needed to get this out .

Beth

[SweetSunshine]

guess I shouldnt have posted this. sorry.

[downsolong]

Glad you did beth it let me know what was up with you.

Don't panic with husband seeing T as well now you maybe be near the payoff of working things out.

good luck hugZ~ Down

[SeptemberMorn]

Bethy, it's a good sign that hubby is seeing a therapist, too. Maybe he'll begin to understand how hard you are working.

If he's being so hard on you and you don't see things improving with him, maybe you need a separation for the time being, so you can get yourself on your feet.

There's a possibility that you don't love him as much as you think you do. It could be hurting so much because he's critisizing you and expecting so much out of you. He's making you feel like you're worthless because you're not Martha Stewart.

Maybe you can hang in for a while and see if he doesn't improve some. If not, then keep yourself safe where you can get better without all that pressure on you. You need kindness and understanding and he's not giving it to you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bethy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[eskielover]

Beth,

I guess I am wondering if your Dad is still living with you? I don't mean to get nosey...sorry. I know when someone else is in our home, the stress level goes so high that everyone gets on each others case because our routine is all off balance. Sometimes even the little things become big.

I hope you can work things out with your husband. You can't always be what he wants & you can't kick yourself or harm yourself because of it. If you are trying the best you can to work on the issues that are the problem, he should be able to see the changes & want to work with you from there. The fact that he is going to a T, is a good sign.

I tend to agree with Sept however. It may be best if things don't improve that a separation period for you to figure things out for yourself without him being around to put such pressure on you.

It is important for you to realize what you are willing to take from a relationship. If it is harming you, even if you really love the person, you need to think about how they feel about you if they are treating you this way. I know it is much harder to act on than to say....that is probably why I have stayed in my pathetic marriage for 30 years. There is a time when we need to realize what is best for us & what we need to continue surviving without being harmed (by the other person or ourselves). Looking back & reading some of my journaling, I now realize that I was feeling suicidal because of the way my husband was. I was depressed because I no longer had my career to take me away from the marriage & I wanted out any way I could get there. You need to think about what is at the bottom of "those" feelings that are now returning into your life, & figure out what is the best for you.

Please take care of yourself above all else,
Debbie

[Artist]

Even if the worse happens and you divorce Life will go on and It will get better.
I also have depression and My ex couldn't deal with it. She would not even go to see a T . At least your husband is doing that much. She blamed me for everything. At first i took it that i was a loser. Now I see that I'm a good man with some problems. Hang in there the pain will pass There is a silver lining. trust me on

[bebop]

Beth I think your hubby going to a therapist is a great thing! I feel it shows he is willing to at least try. I sure wish mine would even admit we have issues. I am here for you anytime!! Just know he is willing to try and maybe work on his own issues too. luv u hon!

[SweetSunshine]

Thanks Tomi , Debbie, Artist and Bebop,for your responses. I will keep what you said in mind.

I went to T yesterday and talked to him about things. He knows what the problems have been with hubby and I financially. And made a suggestion. Knowing the pressure hubby has been putting on me here of late to figure out his retirement plan and well OURs too. I am not trained in this. And furthermore, my parents never taught me about money and how to handle it. Dad basically hid his finances away from everyone. Didnt give mom any money other than grocery money. And I have been very fearful that my marraige was going to turn that way also. That is one reason why I have been so reluctant to give up or share the responsibility of paying the bills or letting hubby know what they are and such. We've been married it will be 16yrs this November. And Ihave still nothing in my name. I havent really asked for it either. Basically I have been nice and quiet about things. Just happy to be married and someone who loves me. I am starting to think I deserve more now. So back to being at T yesterday. T suggested that I talk to hubby . Tell him that I am not trained in figuring these things out nor am I comfortable in doing so. Stocks , bonds all that even the 401k. I am really dumb when it comes to this stuff! And so maybewe need to talk to a financial advisor . I did talk to hubby last night and well ... there is progress. He did agree that would be a good idea. I am somewhat relieved , and glad cause I was afraid of yet another heated argument. Keep your fingers crossed for me. We are going to talk some more about who we want to go see about this now.

I also got to talk to my pdocs nurse. I have had increasing anxiety here the past few weeks with everything that is going on. I wanted to know if it was ok for me to take my anziety medication with my other meds . Which she said it was fine. It will take a few days but I hope by maybe tonight I will be able to get a good nights sleep.

Thanks everyone for your help and thoughts. I appreciate it.

Hugz~
Bethy

have you thought about a separation, from your husband? it helps that he's going to see a T, but he has to show that he's working upon himself.......perhaps being away from each other, would help you both. i hope that you'll continue to talk to us.......xoxo pat

[SweetSunshine]

Pat ~ I know that seems like the best thing to do, but it would be the one thing I think that would make me the most uncomfortable too. I feel as long as we are in the same house , we can keep communicating . Whether it be thru talking , yelling or whatever. I just dont do well with the loss of communication. I know we will both put forth more effort if we are here together than if we are apart too. So as long as it can stay this way. This is how I want it if at all possible.

Thanks~
Bethy

beth....just want you to know that i am sorry that you are going through so much....also........i have to agree with you on staying with your husband (unless of course he is abusive which doesn't seem to be the case).....i have been married for 35 years and the one thing my husband and i always agreed on is no matter what is going on between us we would stay together and tough it out...neither one would ever leave the house....it has worked well for us....best of luck..julia

[Artist]

Sounds like you are making some progress. Money and sex are the 2 biggest reasons couples get into fights. Maybe if the two of you both started learning about money and investing it would be something that would bring you closer together.

[SweetSunshine]

Thanks Blady~ I will deal. I'm a survivor of CSA so I think I can make it thru this one way or another. Just seems so overwehlming with it all coming at me at once is all. Thanks for agreeing with me. He is showing some anger but he is not hitting me or anything like that. What may seem like such little steps right now I think will turn out to be bigger steps for us soon.Thanks for your reply, I really wasnt expecing it!

Hugz~
Bethy

[SweetSunshine]

Arist~
This is what I am hoping. It surely cant hurt I dont think.Thanks for your replies!!

Hugz~
Bethy

[wisewoman]

tRYIN, i HAD a long post and somehow pushed the wrong button. Hang in there and be proud of you and your choices and keep fighting. You will do well. Wishing you safety.

[seeker1950]

Tryin...
I am a bit concerned that you say you have been married for 16 years, and yet nothing is in your name. That doesn't sound good to me. I was married in a similar situation for 20 years, and upon divorce, which I allowed him to write without lawyer (being so intimidated by him), I let him keep all his investments and retirement. Now, in retrospect, I should have been tougher, smarter.
Don't be a pushover regarding finances, Tryin.
Seeker

[eskielover]

Tryin,

It's been a while since we have heard from you & wondering how you are doing & hoping that things are looking up for you.

Worring in what I am good at, & I care, so I worry about you,
Debbie

[SweetSunshine]

Thats ok WW, I've done that a few times too hon.Things have settled down a bit here on the homefront. I will keep trying hard . Thanks for the encouragement WW.

Hugz~
Bethy

[SweetSunshine]

Thanks Seeker. Hopefully as we work other things out , we will get to all the rest of what needs to be done too. I know its important to protect myself financially. Just taking babysteps right now.

Hugz~
Bethy

[SweetSunshine]

Debbie~
Thanks hon , I'll be ok I think I just gotta toughen up my skin a bit sometimes.No Need to worry ok? Thanks anyways!

Hugz~
Bethy

[SweetSunshine]

Im scared about starting Marraige counceling tomorrow. Hubby got to meet the T already and I feel he has the upper hand. My T reassured me though that the MC is a fair minded person. I sure hope so. If you dont mind me asking .. will you keep me and hubby in your thoughts everyone? Thanks so much.

Hugz~
Bethy

[SeptemberMorn]

Take it one day at a time, Bethy. No need to feel defensive already when you don't have any reason to. Give the MC a chance first. Be thankful that hubby wants to go, too!! That's a big one!

I'm really proud of you for taking this step! Good for you!

[nothemama8]

Bethy Poo, hubby and I went to MC before we got married, things will work out, remember to remind hubby that he married you for better for worse , through sickness and health
Your a survivor you will get over this bump
Love ya
Angie

[SweetSunshine]

Thanks you guys! I am really getting nervous here . I am still in my pj's, a half hour before we need to leave. Our appt is at 2pm this afternoon. If I dont get this right , it will be the end. And I dont know if I can handle that.I'm scared it will turn into a yelling match . I am feeling so inadequate as a person , a wife . Why am I feeling this way ? I mean ,I dont think I am that bad. I feel like his family are breathing up my neck here. This is the kind of stuff they would tell me. Maybe in the beginning the expectations for me as a wife were set to high by them and it ran into my husbands mind. And now he is trying to hold me to those standards. I cant do it. Iguess I need to see how things go instead of reading into it too much for now huh? Well I better go here and get ready. Thanks for listening to me again. I appreciate it!!

Hugz~
Beth

[h0kie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Tryin2bme said:
If I dont get this right , it will be the end.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

And that, dear Bethy, is the biggest red flag (to me) of your entire post. You can't fix this on your own. It has to be a mutual effort. My only advice: Be honest with your counselor. If you hide how bad things are (or how bad you feel) he can't help fix the problem.

You can do this Bethy. We always fear the things that seldom happen. Keep us informed.

((((((((((Bethy))))))))))