Realizing the truth that hurts...

Today is my husband's birthday.

Tomorrow is the 19 year anniversary of my mom's death.

Previously, the 4th of December and the joy of the birthday of the man I love removed the pain of the 5th of December.

Today, I am alone. Things have been weird in my relationship for a few months now, but today I think I realize something that hurts and makes sense. My husband doesn't enjoy spending time with me anymore. I don't make him happy anymore.

I've learned this because he wanted to spend today like he's spent the majority of everyday of the past few months: watching streams, streaming, and hanging out with his online Skype friends. He was even hanging out with the girl that he had a picture of her in her underwear a while back. I won't get into that.... I've gone through it too many times.

He made it very clear he didn't want me around him today. I would go in and he would just get that annoyed and frustrated tone. He didn't want to go to dinner, so we had it in. He sat alone... well, not alone, with his Skype friends. He wanted to put up the tree today... which he had me do with the kids but without him.

And now I sit here listening to him laugh and have fun with those people, knowing that I"m not invited or watned. And I realize, he doesn't like spending time with me. He doesn't enjoy my company. Of course he's having fun with them.... to him, I'm not fun....

So, this is what I need to accept. I don't want my marriage to end. I won't let go because I can't. I love him too much to let go. So I will wait and see if he lets go or he just drags me along. I will continue trying to be fun and interesting, like I always do. At least now I understand...

I am soooo sorry! It must hurt to be married to someone you love who ignores you all the time. Is there someway you can tie into his interests more directly with out making him feel like you are intruding?

I wish I were there to give you a real one.. I'm so sorry you're going through this..

Thank you both. I do try to be part of his interests. Actually his interests are very interesting to me and I would love to participate. Some days he's better. Then it comes back. But he finds it annoying and I often feel like I embarrass him. His friends have actually said they like having me around, but he doesn't want me around them because he says I'm spying. I'm not spying. I want friends too. It is good to have some mutual friends.

I think he fears I'll say something embarrassing. But I'm actually pretty funny and I"m not dumb... and especially in type I'm a good communicator, much better than verbally.

Thanks for listening.

19 years sounds like a long time to still be marking anniversaries. This is going to sound odd, but I got it from Raja Yoga. The point is that you are not just the physical product of your parents. You also have emotional and mental aspects from both of them, whether they were around or not. Their goals and dreams are also part of who you are today, and you can find their good qualities within you in a way that you can rely on for strength and support. This isn't just theory for me. I never really liked my parents very much, and it bothered me to find myself increasingly becoming like them. I decided to accept the good qualities and learn from the bad ones to move beyond them. It can be done, and if you do it you will not need to have their physical presence in your life.

The thing about being fun to be around is that you have to first be genuinely having fun by yourself. When you feel genuinely good you are going to be much more pleasant to be around.

The most important thing, though, is that you do not have to change. All the good qualities you could ever want are already part of who you are. It can be difficult to recognize them, but when you do, other people will start to see them. Seeing your good qualities has to start with you; most people want other people to find their good first so they can find it in themselves second, but it doesn't work that way.

Whatever you do, don't force yourself to do anything. Trying to be fun and interesting on the outside, while grieving on the inside, can send mixed signals. It is better to go ahead and warn your husband what you are going to do, and then fully go into the grieving process without trying in any way to avoid feeling everything. Trying to force yourself to get over it just means that next year you will have to face your loss again.

I hope other people here have something more helpful to say ... it can be difficult for me to have things come across the way I mean them.

Here's the thing, I can be having the most fun ever and he will roll his eyes and tell me "you're annoying." I have total fun with him. He doesn't have fun with me. Then if I'm not having fun or smiling or laughing he says I don't like being around him and I'm a zombie. So it is the rock and hard place. I am nothing but a genuine person. But I know I have "zombie face" sometimes.

I was 13 when my mom died, and before that I lived my life knowing that her death was coming. For the first few years it was too much for me to handle and I didn't respond. It wasn't until one day at 15 I was watching t.v. and a show she used to watch came on. It was like someone opened a door in my head. I've always struggled with her death. I'm not in full on grief anymore, I don't lock up or hide or anything. It's just like having a small wound that drips blood and doesn't fully heal.

(((( dark_heart_x )))). I am so sorry that your husband is treating you this way especially since tomorrow, december 5th is the 19th anniversary of your mother's death. It seems to me that your husband is avoiding you by spending most of his time with Skype friends. All that blaming and name-calling is in my opinion abusive behavior.

I don't think he's abusive. I think he just says what he thinks, like he doesn't call me other names and is not disparaging or anything. He's not one to mince words. He's not mean to me at all. But I get lonely. It just feels worse now that he's always with those people. He's the same with others, even friends.

It is just hard to realize this.... and I wish it wasn't today that I realize it.

(((( dark_heart_x )))).

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It just sounds to me like he is taking you for granted... I really hope things get better for you. It is very obvious you are in love with him, but it bothers me when you say how he likes to spend time with his friends and be-little you when he does spend time with you... I personally would not be able to tolerate that and I don't think you deserve to be treated that way yourself. I hope he will soon realize that he is taking you for granted and turns everything around and returns the same love you are giving him.

I can really see how you are feeling alone with your current situation and I wish you the best. Take care

Wow, this really sounds a lot like me, and I know where you're coming from. DH and I used to have a lot of friends and socialize a lot. But he was always having to be the star. If I tried to talk, he would cut me off. If I pointed it out later, he would say, well, you take to long to say anything. This is the man, who takes over every conversation. Seems he enjoys all his online buddies from his collector forum boards than talking to me. We rarely sit and talk, it leads to awkward silences. I barely remember the last time we had sex. I gave up initiating. How many times can a woman be turned down, before even though he says don't take it personally??? Helloooooo it's a marriage - you and I, how am I not to take it personally?

here's funny thing. he's not that way. I'm the talker, he's the silent one. he barely even leaves the house, seems like major social anxiety. don't know where all this came from????

We have sex okay, that's okay. he's not always gone.

Today he is back againg. gone again tomrrow? back again? gone again back again.... aaaarrrghhh....

Can't he just stay normal like he used to and not disappear? I don't mind his friends at all. Just wish I could be part of it sometimes, not even always, just sometimes. Today is a hard day.

wish I had a time machine and go back to July when it was normal.

Ahhh, a time machine. An everyday wish here. Back to the morning of Dec 26th 2010, this time he didn't get up and go to work overtime and get in a near life ending car accident.

Christ, it's his birthday. Should've made him a cake or something. That might've drawn him out.

I got him dinner. He didn't want a cake. Offered to make his favorite pie, he didn't want it. Offered him... well, birthday presents. Didn't want them. Would rather be talking to friends that he talks to 16+ hours a day than getting birthday presents. That confuses me.

If it was still July I could save my car, and by proxy not be able to afford to buy the equipment to start up his business, (like ever,) and he probably wouldn't have made such close friends with these people, he would have gone to my birthday party (birthdays suck around here) and he wouldn't have gotten sucked into the idea that he needs to change to impress these people.... (Which I remember him saying to me, "I'm going to need to get good at talking to people if I do this," and I said, "I believe in you." ) Haha... jokes on me.

Exactly. For yourself, it would be better to find a way to heal this so you can feel complete and move forward. It makes a difference, because until you do this you may find yourself in patterns of pushing people away and being abandoned. Like I said before, though, this is just an opinion ... one of many ... and I don't tend to be very good at saying things the way I mean them.

My mom died when I was 13 too. As a result I still have abandonment issues, or at least my therapist thinks so. As a result I feel really left out a lot and try extra hard to please people. It sounds like you have given him everything and kept nothing for yourself. He in turn gives you nothing.
I feel really hurt when that happens and get really depressed. You need to reach out to him of course, but maybe you need to also take care of yourself. I do not pretend to understand all you are feeling and can only speak from my experience. I am rooting for you.

I also feel really left out a lot and really abandoned even though I know it wasn't her fault she died.

Thank you.

he sound pretty selfish for not wanting to spend time with you during his birthday.

Come to my house and we'll hang out hugs

This past week since then things were going better. Things were going really well. I was thinking, something must have happened and he is coming back to his normal self.

He doesn't know I know, and it is a thing on Twitter which he knows I follow but something has happened and I don't know what it means. I don't know what to think of this. This is a conversation between him and a girl -the girl who he once had a picture of her in her underwear- who is also is talking to on skype but I dont' know how often. And we had a huge fight over it. And I told him NO NUDE PICTURES of girls he talks to.

This girl... I must be honest... is an attention seeker especially from males... I will be polite and not use the words for her that I am thinking, even if she doesn't deserve it. Many guys often request nude photos of her, you can tell she gets a kick out of it. Here's the conversation

TheGirl: So since I am doped up on medicine, @SoAndSo asked for my nudes. I figured I would share them with everyone (link to an overweight girl who is obviously not this girl fully nude and in a pornographic pose.)

husband: @TheGirl Wow wtf... Really!? Not cool.... :/

TheGirl: @husband LOL <3, you clicked it, perv :P

This happened yesterday. I saw this this morning while getting ready for work. I was screaming, litterally, in sever pain all the way to work.... It hurt to see.

I've been thinking about it all day. What does it mean?
A) it is on Twitter, public forum. Not hidden in any way.
B) Does he mean, not cool to make fun of overweight girls like that? (I'm over weight...)
C) Does he mean, not cool I really wanted to see you naked and it was gross and disappointing.

What's more likely.

I get she's a boy chaser. I know she is glad he clicked and she is probablythinking he wanted to see her naked. She's probably happy about that. I hate her and I don't care about her or her stupid, immature, self-depreciating "I'm a sex object" attitude.

I don't want to over-react to something but I feel completely betrayed. And I know the confrontation will be "you're crazy, get out, you hate all women, you don't want me to have friends, it was a joke," blah blah blah....

I realized on his birthday he had a birthday party, although online, and I wasn't invited or welcome.... And I.... I don't know what to think. I feel sick.

i agree with dusty9838, he's right on the money.
correct me if i am wrong, i think you posted something that your hubby doesn't want to go to marriage couseling with you, what was the reason for that?
if its money issues, look into your local churches that had sessions about marriage repair.
to ignore you like that, and WHAT he had a pic of this woman in her underwear!?!?!?!
honey i have been married for over 23 years, my hubby never ever did this to me, and if he had, i would ask him to leave.
you deserve better, you deserve respect, you deserve a partner that loves you unconditionally, you deserve communication, you deserve emotional support, as well as physical too.
keep us posted

I think a lot of us women/wives build our world around what makes our husband's happy and peaceful around the house. We try so hard to be sure the families needs are met that we and forget how to find hobbies, friends and joy in anything but our family. Then one day we notice that he is the one with friends, or the one trying out some new project or pursuing a new job and we are just along for the ride. I did all the wife and mother things right and in the process became, to him, a boring spouse he knew everything about that had nothing new and exciting to entertain him. My fault for loving a narcissist and serving him for so long, but I learned a lesson to be more for myself than his wife.

If he doesn't want to do things with you go out and do them on your own. Take a window shopping day, treat yourself to dinner or just go browse the library and get some books on something you always wanted to know more about. Make yourself active and happy and when you come home I bet you are refreshed and feel better and not so worried about what he says or doesn't say to you. I bet you are funny and interesting and that may be a threat to his friendships where he wants all the attention from them for himself. Also, I know about grieving as I have lost both parents. Today is my dad's birthday, he would have been 91. My mom died last year. My best coping is to distract myself from thoughts of them, although I do allow myself to cry, but not obsess because it hurts me too much to go there. Most men cannot deal with our sadness more than a hug or few minutes of holding, it just makes them uncomfortable. I think it's just a biological difference. You are not alone when it comes to the pain of loss, always remember that even if your husband cannot show the compassion you need. Others do feel the pain and understand. Hang in there, if nothing else stand in front of the mirror and grin at yourself, sometimes that works!

I think your husband doesn't want you there on line of he couldn't so blatently open links like that or make the comments he probably makes to the girls.......sounds like he's pushing you away because he wants his freedom to be & do what he wants online.

Porn & even having online relationships with others in a sexual tone is cheating on your marriage & he knows he couldn't get away with it if you were there. He's making you feel horrible about yourself to keep you from making him feel horrible about what he's doing.

I personally wouldn't tolerate it.......shoot....you are without a car so he could have the business equipment to start HIS business & then he treats you this way......no way.....I would make him start paying me back the money from your car from his business to start with & set down some rules.

The picture in the underware is more significant & more of a problem.....& is just indicating where your husband's mind is heading rather than keeping it in his marriage. I know you don't want to give up your marriage....you love him......but it's obvious the feeling isn't mutual.

I left my husband for other reasons because he wasn't responsible & I couldn't trust him to take care of me & in the process realize that I never had loved him from before we were married 33 years before because I never respected his values & our marriage was nothing but constant fighting from the beginning because I wouldn't tolerate his crap. We are still married, but I left 4 years ago now & had no money to go back & get my things. Starting over 2100 miles away has been a challenge......but we don't have to put up with being treated poorly by a husband.

Yea, your sex might be ok.....he has needs also.....so that's really not an indication of the status of a marriage.....& at this point isn't satisfying himself with the porn........who knows what the future holds if it's only been 6 months & he's at this point?????

Your marriage is definitely in a bad place & it's your husband who is making it that way....it's not you being boring or being embarrassed by you that's causing it....it's his excuse & putting the blame on you so that he doesn't have to be held responsible for being in the wrong & causing the marriage to fail.

The funny thing is that I have lots of hobbies and things I do on my own. I actually leave the house and spend time with actual human beings.

But I am not good at making friends. Not good at all. Friends are few and far between. It may have something to do with being bipolar. Not sure. And when I DO have friends, he's jealous of them!

Of course all of my hobbies are lonely things. I have no one to share my triumphs with. No one. It always makes me nervous when someone says I did a good job.