Relationship problems

Hello there. This is my first post after sitting on the sidelines and reading everyone else's for a little while. I find everyone warm and understanding which is wonderful! :-)

Well...here goes. My problem is the relationship I am in now. I will try to summarize everything as it is quite involved. I have been dating a man for over a year. I actually left my husband of 17 years for this guy. In my marriage my husband and I still got along very well and he always treated me good but there was zero passion left in our relationship. Due to a depression problem that he finally faced up to, that shut down that side of him and he was unable to show much passion to me. I should have insisted that he get help long ago but I didn't unfortunately. I just shut down myself and looked for passion elsewhere which is of course not the answer.

Now I am with this man who I can honestly say does not really make me happy. Yes I have the passion that I was missing in my marriage but I also have someone who is selfish, judgemental, controlling, possessive and who I cannot communicate with. He only sees one side of everything (his side) and if I state my opinions or differ from his he sees that as me trying to start an argument. I have found myself shutting down somewhat over this year. Not expressing myself or my feelings when I have them like I used to. Just to save an argument starting. I feel my personality has changed a lot since I have been with him. I used to be happy and positive. That seems to have disappeared. How sad is that!! Why do I stay with him you may ask? At times he can be a lot of fun and loveable. But then there are those other times when he is argumentative and critical or impatient with me. At those times I do not even really like him I think. I am sorry to say that I think I stay with him for the passion, for the attention that he gives me that I have craved for so long. But I know this is not enough. And of course there is the thought of being alone. I am quite aware that that is probably one of the main reasons I am still here. Sigh.

To make matters more confusing I have been in contact with my ex a bit lately. When I am with him I can see all of his good qualities: how easy he is to talk to, to communicate with (communication is so very important in making me feel happy), to just have a good laugh with, how sensitive he is, how "real" he is in a world of very fake people that you have to deal with every day! He would like us to try again to get back what we had before...or rather to make it better than it was before. Part of me really wants this but part of me feels no passion whatsoever for this man.

I guess my questions are ...can someone be happy with someone who they do not feel passion for? can passion be reignited? And the big one....why is it so hard for me to break away from this relationship I am in now. I actually broke it off for a couple of weeks in September of this year but it was the worst two weeks of my life....I felt so upset, sick, depressed and like my life was over. Why does this guy have such a hold over me when I can see that he is WRONG for me in all ways?

Sorry for going on and on so long. You can see I am a very mixed up lady. I would appreciate hearing from other people who have maybe been where I am or someone who has words of wisdom for me. Even just typing this all out helps me in some way. Thanks everyone for listening!

Why can't you get rid of this other guy? Maybe you are trying to have the best of all worlds. Unfortunately, this is not going to work out long term and you will have to decide whether you want to chase passion for the rest of your life or work toward contentment in a loving relationship.

Passion is one of those things where the grass is always greener on the other side. People are always searching for passion--and when they get it, they lose it and see it somewhere else. I don't think this is healthy.

Hello Samantha and welcome,

In reading your post I can't help but think you should return home - to your husband of 17 years. Perhaps I am wrong, but I will stick to this opinion.

When we first mary we are filled with so much passion (probably more passion than love I think) and as time goes by the passion we had has to pale somewhat due to all the other things that have come into our lives which by the way, were not there at the begining.

I am a strong believer that a marriage, any marriage requires work on both parties to survive. From all the pressures life throws upon us as a people, it doubles as a couple, with each spouse experiencing his/her fears and doubts and fighting the negative forces that we all encounter.

I can't help but notice the elderly and how close they have evolved over the years that they just can't seem to function without the other. I once asked an elderly man how he came to love his wife so, and he replied, why we grew up together over the years, and we always communicated with each other. It sure made sense to me and I believed him. I still do.

I think that two people can love each other at the begining, but my observations tell me they are only at the begining of loving each other. It takes work (I know I said that already) and by that I mean - when was the last time you told your 1st husband you loved him (before you left) or did you ever send him a note along so that he would find it while away working and know how lucky he was?

And what about him? What did he do to remind you of his love? Did he send flowers for no reason other than to let you know you were his flower? Did he call you during the day to hear your voice or to say, "I Love You?"

When the marriage is young - neither seem to work at being together or letting the other know what they mean to them, but as time goes on, the relationship still needs to grow, and that is why I think you should return home. To give the two of you to allow your relationship to grow, to strengthen, to become one again.

Only this time - apply the work. It doesn't require lot's of dollars or even time - it just takes little things such as notes left here and there, or a phone call just to tell them, "I Love You".

This other guy can't compete with what is yours already and he knows it, and that is why his is the only opinion that means anything, because he understands once you start considering your own opinion and self - he will be history.

Go now sweetie - return home while you can.

I hope that I haven't overstepped my boundaries, but if I have, it was with the very best of intentions.

Your friend, Sam

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."

I was talking to an older couple tonight at my work party. The husband said the principle to any relationship is three "C"s. Commitment, Communication, Christ (understand that he is a good baptist man and don't hit me on the head.. LOL!). He said... do you hear the word Love in there at all? It's not in the equation. I knew what he meant though... he meant passion. Coz true love is in the commitment.

I really listened to him coz I am thinking about finding the love of my life and need all the advice I can get. Take it or leave it... I just wanted to pass along the conversation I had to you.... and please don't take offense... I am quoting the man verbatim.

Hi Samantha!

Oh my goodness!!!!!! I can't believe I found this post...it couldn't have been BETTER TIMING. Well, I've been married to a man for 5+ years and have ZERO passion for him as well. He is the perfect man for me, OTHER than passion of course. He massages my feet and legs WHENEVER I ask. He gives me total control of all his money. He lets me have whatever I want. He plays we the kids. We have two boys, 3 (ours together) and 12. He's never hit me or the boys. He is in the military, so we are VERY CONTENT. We have a nice house, new furniture, and a new car with three tv's in it. We even have a dog and cat who are so precious. We like to do the same things. We have the same spiritual beliefs. He'll say he's sorry on a regular basis. He does get MAD at times, having TOO much pride! HOWEVER, he'll be humbled within minutes and is quick to apologize. He is the BEST lover as well.

HOWEVER, I am repulsed at the thought of him even touching me in a romantic way. I haven't kissed him in a YEAR. And, we only have sex 3 times a year! He is the one who is hot for me. He is the one who wants to cuddle and have sex all the time. He's pressured me for sex so many times that it became a chore. It became an OBLIGATION. And, I was raped when I was a virgin in my teenage years..so, this could also play a role. So, we basically live like roommates. I have my own bedroom and he has his. Mainly, however, the reason for sleeping in seperate rooms is because his snoring could ROCK THE HOUSE. LOL. Also, I enjoy having SOME independance since marriage can really make you feel SUFFOCATED.

Also, he doesn't drink, do drugs, or smoke. He'd prefer hanging out with me and the boys than hanging out with some friends at a strip club. And, he doesn't make me work! He likes me staying home..WHICH I LOVE! I'm a CNA, however, I LOVE taking care of the house and children. I get to watch my 3 year old grow up! I've been by his side watching him learn how to talk and grow. It's adorable watching him at this age! I've been home with him since he was born. I did go to work at the hospital for a bit, but only part time.

Anyway..I've LONGED for PASSION. I'm not attracted to my hubby's mouth because his teeth are so yellow and he has an unattractive mouth all together. So, I WON'T KISS it. And, I hate sex..even though he's good at it. I've often thought about leaving him for a guy I have lust/passion with, but then I start thinking about reality. I start thinking about everything I could lose. And, I could end up with some selfish arrogant guy who ends up CHEATING ON ME. My husband is loyal to the core and madly in love with me..AND ME ONLY. I don't ever have to worry about him cheating on me. He goes to work and comes straight home. He only works right around the corner.

I have often wondered what kind of guy I'd end up with if I left my husband who has given me a content and happy life...excluding the physical arena. Am I willing to take the chance of losing everything, NO! I will remind myself of how good I have it everytime I get a desire for passion. And, as you can see, I FOUND YOUR POSTING! What are the chances of that happening! Now that you have strayed away to get your 'passion,' you realize it's not all you thought it would be. Here's a saying: 'Temptation can look sweet and delicious at first, but it will eventually turn SOUR.' We want what looks good to the eye..we CRAVE it! However, it's never what we thought it would be. Sex and passion do NOT make a relationship work because it's only the dessert. We need the MAIN COURSE..the entree! If we live on dessert for too long, without any healthy foods, we'll get sick! With our husbands, we are getting the main course..the healthy meals. However, we start craving the SWEETS! This is NORMAL. I'm not saying some people don't have BOTH, however, this is HARD TO FIND.

I hope I've helped you! Please respond SOON. I battle this passion which burns inside me just like you do, so you're NOT alone! I get so sick with depression at times because my craving overwhelms me. However, for the most part, most of the time, I'm soooo happy and CONTENT. I only crave the passion once in a while. Take care!


Steph

It was wonderful to read your post and especially to see that someone else out there is feeling how I used to feel. All I can say is DON'T do what I did unless you are ready to take the consequences. Infidelity and all of it's excitements and huge passion is of course all consuming at first but when it wears off you realize what you gave up for something that will never last and quickly fizzles out. And you realize what you are stuck with ..someone that you have nothing in common with, someone who is full of faults and who you could never have a future with. That is how i find myself right now. I see more and more that this guy I am involved with is just totally wrong for me. My husband who I left, was totally right for me. In every way. And I gave that up for sex....how dumb is that. Anyhow....reading your post I just feel so much for you and how you are feeling. Does your husband have any idea how you really feel about the physical side of your relationship? Have you ever thought of counselling...even if it is on your own if you are afraid of him finding out how you feel? I would so hate to see you go on for years and years feeling like you do and someday getting in a weak situation somewhere that leads you into doing what I did. I would never ever do this again. I can definitely say that right now I am not happy, not content and just sort of existing day to day. Your husband sounds wonderful...your life sounds (almost?) perfect. Don't give it up for fleeting passion!!!!

I need to make a break from this guy. I know that. I just seem to have such a hard time doing it. Just last night we had another argument. He voiced an opinion and I voiced mine on the same subject area. Then he got all antagonistic: swearing and telling me my opinion was totally wrong. This has happened before many times. I am slowly realizing that I am receiving verbal abuse from him. I have read up on all of the signs and a lot of them point to our arguments. I myself hate arguments and would love to just have a normal conversation with him about something...a normal "debate" or whatever...two differing opinions sharing ideas with respect for what the other person is saying. But that is totally not possible with him. It all turns angry with him before I know it. I sit there with my heart beating fast and that feeling in my stomach. And again and again I wonder why am I still here? Why do I let him disrespect me...because that is what it is.

I need to break from him but I also need to tell him exactly why I am doing it. He needs to get help with this communcation skills, his anger and antagonistic side. I know I cannot change him. Everytime I let him treat me like this I am saying to him..."That is okay"...you can raise your voice at me, tell me I am full of [censored], or swear at me.

Thanks everyone for all of the posts and opinions and ideas. Very much appreciated.
Keep in touch Steph!!

Hi again! I have learned quite a bit since my last post to you. I'm going to share with you the ANSWER to ALL of this! Here it is:

vvFall Out of Fear & Fall Into Love
By Susan Anderson
Author of The Journey From Abandonment to Healing (Berkley, 2000)

Common Scenarios

Abandonholism: You've been hurt so many times, you’ve come to confuse insecurity with love. When someone comes along who is willing to commit, you don’t feel the "right chemistry." So you seek unavailable partners who make you insecure, leading to a cycle of reabandonment. Abandoholics are addicted to the love chemicals of conquest, of pursuing the illusion of love.

Fear of abandonment: Insecurity is your internal gremlin. It sabotages your attempts to feel cool, calm and confident when attempting to bring love into your life. It short-circuits your relationships with feelings of neediness, desperation and self-doubt.

Fear of engulfment: You feel emotionally closed in when someone is ready to commit. You pursue hard-to-get lovers to sidestep intimacy and avoid the panic of closeness.

Negative attraction: We all know someone entrapped in a relationship that is no good for them, addicted to the high-stakes drama of emotional danger. In fact, a negative attraction is often more compelling than a positive one. Recovery means learning to stay away from the "emotional candy" and choosing someone who offers emotional sustenance.

Love is invisible: Love may have shown up at different points in your life, but you weren’t able to recognize it. You were looking for another "feeling" and dodged the opportunity for a real relationship. In fact, love might be staring you in the face at this very moment, but your potential mate remains emotionally invisible to you.

Overcoming Invisible Barriers
When you are ready to break out of your patterns of self-sabotage, it is time to put your awareness into action:

Recognize your patterns. Come clean with yourself.
Commit to change.
Maintain a daily routine of self-reflection (possibly writing in your journal), focusing on changes you notice in your unfolding new self.
Share your emerging awareness with others -- friends, therapists, support group members -- to strengthen your resolve and gain support.
Practice being emotionally present, open and sharing with all of the people in your immediate life, each day extending your caring self to new people.
Step outside your usual circle of friends and activities to explore new interests and try out new roles.
Initiate contact with at least 10 new people and explore different aspects of your personality that may have not found expression before (your various alter ego states).
Come clean about your feelings and your culpabilities about past relationship failures with at least three of these contacts.
Become your higher self.
Share your higher self with significant others.
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Samantha.....also, when we like guys who are hard to get, it's a sign we are avoiding commitment. The reason we avoid true commitment, is because we fear abandonment. We pick those who make us feel insecure (which is NOT love), leading to eventual abandonment. This makes us an abandoholic. We become addicted to love chemicals of conquest and pursue the ILLUSION of love. When a guy really wants a commitment and makes us feel good about ourselves, we don't feel the CHEMISTRY due to being hurt so many times in the past. Thus, we confuse insecurity with love.

So, I'm starting to realize that it's best I stay where I'm at. You have made a mistake, just like the rest of us do, and now it's time to learn from it. Things happen for a reason. Instead of staying STUCK, it's best we learn from it and move on. The worst fall we'll ever make is the one we don't get up from!

Let me know how much this has helped you. Meditate on it so it can sink into the depths of your soul! Looking forward to hearing from you again!

Steph

Steph

I.too waited a while and read... and what responses you have received! Real thinkers here. To be short: I think the man you are currently with is abusive, and pushes your buttons whenever you begin to come to your senses. You might try to go back to your spouse, and begin dating again. Rekindled, relight, or find the fire. You both may need to teach each other along the way. Good Luck!

I am sorry I haven't been back on to reply to everyone who took the time to post. I much appreciated all of the comments and advice.

Things have changed quite a bit over the holidays. The guy I was seeing actually split up with me the day before New Years Eve. Also it was in the middle of my two week vacation. I realize that this was the best thing for me and all but does anyone out there think that he could have at least waited to do this till AFTER my holidays and the Christmas season. Geesh. Sorry...maybe that was trivial..;-) We spent most of Christmas before he broke up with me being together but the whole time he was argumentative and critical. What a rotten Christmas season I had this year. Better off to forget it.

Anyhow...he said that he has been going through a bad time lately and he realizes that he has major problems with communication and needs time alone to reassess how he communicates with others and to figure out why he is such an unhappy, critical, argumentative person. He has always been the type who is never really happy, always finds faults with others and always looking for something else. I am surprised that we lasted as long as we did.

I know that I am better off without him and him breaking up with me was doing me a huge favour. But of course I am having a hard time with it now. I miss him very much even though he was such a hard critical person a lot of the time. And he was not good for my emotional health. That I know.

How do I manage to get past this? He also wants to see each other as friends and I am not sure if that is such a good idea.

I am of course still in touch with my ex husband and would like to see him in the future to see if we can get back some of our feelings.,.but I need to take time alone I am sure to get over this other guy.

Thanks for any comments anyone would like to make!!

yes passion can be re-ingtinted..
but you have to think of yourself first
not what the other needs.

One thing I learnd Sex is not an issue.. you hve to have a passion inside of you, for life, for all things.. not just in the bedroom.


<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

I wouldn't rush in your ex;s arms if I were you. I would wait a bit. Be by yourself, get your self-esteem up. You don't need a man right now. On of the mistakes I made, after my divorce, I jumped in to the relationship being deeply hurt, I was not ready! And becouse of that I skrewed up a lot of things(

With love to all.

Samantha...

I read with much interest your post about your relationship issues. Like you I was married and in a relationship where there was no passion. In my case the passion did not exist for a couple of reasons. First, my ex was (and still is) a very emotionally unstable and manipulative person. It is pretty tough to feel passion for someone that behaves the way she does. Second, she was very uptight about sex and sexuality. And, as I grew older I became more comfortable with my sexuality and became more sexual.

Like you I left my wife of 19 years for someone else. And, like you this someone else was VERY passionate. I felt blessed to have finally exprienced the passion that I thought would evade me. But, I recognize now that I placed too much emphasis on the passion and became involved with someone that I didn't have the same level of mental and emotional connection as I had with my ex wife at one time.

I conditioned myslef to crave that passion so much that I wound out seeking sexual gratification in any way I could. Then I found a woman that I clikced with mentally and emotionally and we fell in love. However, once again I found myself with someone that did not have nearly hte same libido level as I did. Physical intimacy for me became a chore. I tried as hard as I could to give her what she needed, but it was never enough for her. So, I began acting out again. Then I lost her.

Now, as I sit alone nights I ahve to ask myself what was really important. I guess I'd settle for a little less than ideal level of passion to have someone in my life that I love and that connects with me mentally and emotionally. Sounds like you had that with your ex.

It is so frustrating to me to see couples get into trouble because of "lack of passion". Geez, that should be the easy part. Why wouldn't someone want to experience physical intimacy and passion? But, some people have different needs and desire levels and ideally you should click on all levels. But, it may be better to compromise than to wind up with nothing.