Would like your input please

Hi folks. I have not been around much lately , due to family issues, but that doesnt mean I have forgotten you folks !

I would like your input on my situation. I have a gorgeous 10 month old granddaughter. My son (the father) is in a miserable marriage, the Mom is a "witch", insecure, demanding, abusive (verbally, emotionally and physically), and for whatever reason, each time he leaves her - he goes back . She is now using the baby to prove she is the "boss". I was not allowed to see the baby for 5 weeks (we live 20 miles apart). She informed me that until my son does everything SHE wants, I will not see the baby. Twice we have had to have her removed from our front yard by the police for threatening us - they simply told her to leave.......the baby in the car, and her totally out of control with rage..and it was after midnight both times. When I DO see my granddaughter she is filthy, she has only had 2 sets of her shots, and mother will not give her flouride (Dr. prescribed), nor take her for follow ups after her surgery she had at 2 months of age.

Last week, after a particularly nasy encounter with her via phone, with her cursing me for absolutely no reason, she suggested in a sarcastic way that I "take her to Court" if I want to see my Granddaughter. She then informed me her son's grandmother had tried that and was laughed out of the Courtroom since our State has no "grandparents rights law". I called that grandmother, and she has never taken her to Court (oh - did I mention daughter in law is a habitual liar???). So, I took her up on her suggestion and filed for Visitation Rights. I had to swear to all the facts I outlined (I had detailed notes, dates, times etc. ) and when they finished with my report - the Intake Officer asked me "what is wrong with you, you MUST file for Custody until your son gets his act together and HE files for Custody to protect that baby". (In even filing for Visitation I had to file against my son as well as d-in-l and that was difficult enough - but custody?? ) My son is a GOOD person - but all his life - he has never wanted to "hurt anyones feelings", and I assume that is why he wont permanently separate from his wife.

My 79 yr old Mom lives in a suite on my house, and yesterday d-in-l called me and said she was coming here to "start trouble". I didnt want my Mom to hear her foul mouth - so we had to leave our home to prevent dealing with her.

Of course my FIRST concern is my granddaughters welfare. Could I ask your opinion about the fact the Intake Officer thought I was wrong not to file for Custody and only Visitation? Would you file for Custody ? The above incidents are only a taste of what has been going on, but gives you an idea of situation. I would be happy to share more, if you feel you could give me some advice ! I dont have court date yet for the Visitation Petition - waiting for police to serve me the papers - but I DO have the paperwork for Custody - I just have to file it. I am totally torn apart not knowing what to do !

Thanks for reading, and any input would be appreciated!

Hi Parker,

I find posting difficult at best-- but when it comes to little children... well, I tend to sometimes put my apprehensions aside.

Anyway-- I believe that you see your son as a nice loving young man---- however--- why is it more important for him not to have anyone mad at him than protecting his own daughter? I hope you don't take offense to this-- I'm not meaning it in that way at all.

Just an idea but.... helping his daughter to have a happy life will pay off a lot more for him than trying to appease his wife.

I'm so sorry you are going through all this--- I think it would be good to have a talk with your son and have him try to get custody-- do you think he's up to that?

I feel for you and hope things turn out best for you and that dear little one.

mandy

{{{{{{{{{{Parker}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I know what you're going through. Been there, done that! In fact, I'm going through pretty much the same thing you are right now.

Most States DO NOT have GPVR, period. The laws of your state at least give you the option of Custody. You BET I would file for Custody in nothing flat... if you think you can manage all the crap that's gonna come down the pike.

Before you even begin, your motto should always be IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD. (BTW, I was active in GPVR rights some years back.)

Your son, as well as mine, are GUILTY by association. What is more important; not wanting to hurt someone's feelings OR allowing their child(ren) to be hurt by their mother and their living conditions?? Give me a break!!

Get a restraining order on that broad! It may not keep her away from your front door, but once that RO is filed, if she voilates it, it will no longer be a minor thing! Some states carry different penalties for violating an RO.

If you have any more questions, I'll be more than glad to try and answer them. The only problem is that every State has different laws and statutes.

The fact that your grandchild's mother is so abusive will really work in your favor. You'd be surprised to know how many grandparents are raising their grandkids. There's support and support groups for these people.

My best to you, Parker!

No offense taken at all Mandy - I have asked him the same thing many times. He feels if he is AT home, at least someone is looking out for his daughter - and her 2 yr old son as well. I dont KNOW why he wont leave and file for Custody ! He is an 18 wheel driver, building a new home (that should have been finished months ago, but everytime he is working on it - she shows up and starts a fight and he literally has to leave to prevent her getting physical.) He will only go to their apt IF the upstairs folks are home (his Dad and stepmother), in case she starts to get physical he will have witnesses, OR so that if she gets really nasty and wont let him sleep - he can go upstairs and sleep - she wont go up there. Its a MESSSSSS ! My son states to anyone that he was better off being from a broken home than living in one - so its NOT that part that is stopping him , I do not KNOW what is going on with him. He is caught up in a mess that he just wont get out of - and I just do not understand WHY. The happy go lucky, fun loving, never met a stranger son I used to know is slowly disappearing - he is miserable most of the time. The time he is the happiest - the 2 nights a week his wife works and he and the children are alone. OH - interesting point - she has told my son that if he EVER leaves the house with the baby, she will have him arrested for kidnapping. Ok - most folks know that CANNOT be done, but since he has never had any dealings with this type thing - he wont take the baby anywhere - easier to just go along with her stupidity than have her come after him and knock him up side the head I guess. Heaven help me - I may lose it before this issue is resolved !

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she has told my son that if he EVER leaves the house with the baby, she will have him arrested for kidnapping.

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Parker, YES! She can!

He needs to get pictures of the living quarters, pictures of the kids when they're filthy, ESTABLISH A TIME FRAME within the pictures so he will have proof.

If the cops find him with the kids, they can and will arrest him and put the kids in "the System." NOT, NOT, NOT a good thing!!! That's almost worse than where they are now.

Your son, no doubt, like mine, is having a tough time accepting the big mistake he made. He may be overwhelmed by everything. He will come back into his own on his OWN time.

I've been sorely dissapointed in my son as well, but it seems he's finally coming to the end of his rope and is getting ready to "rock and roll."

Thanks SeptMorn. I appreciate your input, and I do know my son is at fault in this situation also. We talked to an attorney about a RO, but the house my son is building is on our farm, and they use our driveway to get to their house. We can have it worded that she may use the driveway, but not step foot off of the gravel, but the lawyer said that would be HER excuse for not letting me see the baby. However, I talked to Social Services who said there are many different types of RO, and we could have one that simply states she cannot be threatening, or confronting, or use abusive language in our presence. I am going to check that out on Monday. SOOOO much has happened yesterday and today that my head is spinning. She has not even been served with my Visitation Petition and I know what is going to hit the fan when she gets that ! (She is in Contempt of Court for not allowing her son to visit with his natural Father every other weekend as ordered by the Court. He hasnt been allowed to see his son since November, and altho he notified courts - the paperwork just got to her 2 weeks ago today and they will be in Court the last week of this month. Perhaps the same Intake Officer talked with the Father, and with me, and knew how bad things are.

I WANT whats best for my granddaughter above anything else. I do know alot of grandparents raise their grands, I just wonder with my health issues if I am UP to it !

I will probably be throwing some questions your way, thanks for the offer !

Start a journal of her every word to you but especially when she causes you problems on the phone or in person. If you can, record her phone conversations to you!!

Make sure you date every entry and where it took place!

SeptMorn - according to our lawyer - my son could NOT be arrested for kidnapping his own child since they are still living together and legally married. Do I need to check that out more thoroughly ? Why cant a Daddy take his daughter to visit his Mother if he wants too ? How is that kidnapping? I understand he cannot take HER son, he has no rights with that child, but with his own child - I dont understand that at all.

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Why cant a Daddy take his daughter to visit his Mother if he wants too ?

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She can make up any story she wants to get her way and they will ALWAYS take the word of the mother over the father or relative. She can say that she is against the baby being in your presence and make up any nasty reason she wants!

Sounds like your son and the other father need to join forces to protect their children!

Something else I thought of.

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according to our lawyer

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Attorneys as well as the lawmakers, when they make the laws, assume that everybody is going to abide by them simply because they exists. We all know that's not so, or our prisons wouldn't be full to overflowing.

Add a manipulative, angry (scared) person to the equation and they'll try ANYTHING to have things their way. The laws don't apply to them.

PLEASE, don't be surprised by anything this woman tries. Be ready for anything! When my attorney told me and my husband that our ex's, who had gotten together, could come to our door with a cop and take the kids by force, against MY will and THEIRS, I told him, "over my dead body!!!!" He rared back in his seat and said "WOW! You're serious, aren't you??" DUH! The kids did not want to go visit with the other parents because of the abuse they were subjected to at their respective homes. I certainly wasn't going to let ANYONE take them out of their safe home, laws, cops or anything else! We had a plan in place should this take place. Lucky for us and our kids, the other parents turned tail when we upped the child support which was well within reason.

Parker, the best defense is knowlege. Look up the laws and be ready to put it all on the line for this little girl, she deserves it. I am sure she already has serious long-lasting affects from mom's abuse and neglect but she is young and if she can live in a place where she knows her needs will be attended to and that she is adored it will make it so much better. Please do this for the child. The residual damage can be seen in many of us here. Though different circumstances, neglect, abuse, witnessing violence and mental illness. That child deserves a chance. Speak to any group that knpows anything and be ready for her to file abuse claims against your son. Speak with the attorney about what you can do in advance to help with that. You are doing the right thing. Also, if this woman is an immediate threat to self or others call a crisis line and the police. If she is threatening violence or worse maybe she is dumb enough to say it in front of the wrong people. Also, I disagree with Sept about letting the child welfare people get involved. If there is a way you can be sneaky and have them witness what is going on i will help. They would much rather place a child with kin then with strangers. It is worth an annonomous call at least. Check out your options. Good luck.

Thanks again Sept Morn, and also Wisewoman. Interestingly I have been on the phone with the Father of my son's stepson. He called to let me know the Court date for his case against my d-in-law. We talked almost 40 minutes, and he is going Monday morning to file for sole Custody of his son. He caught my d-in-law's wrath in a phone call today asking to see his son in HER home for ONE hour anytime on Easter ( this is actually his weekend to have his son all weekend )so he could give him an Easter Basket. She told him NO. (among many other things). He has now asked if I will go to Court as a witness for him when his case is heard. Oh geeeeeezzzzzzz, I feel like I need a bullet proof vest to wear 24/7 as it is ! However, I agreed to do as he asked, since I actually know his son better than he does, and know things that he is totally unaware of. I dont want either child mistreated, although she does favor the son, and admits this fact.

Thanks again for the input, and info, and suggestions. My brain is about fried tonight, but I have a feeling I will be needing this forum alot thru the coming weeks !

Take care all.

gggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Parker, i am so sorry that your family is going though this horrid turmoil. your DIL is a dangerous person and if you can get the child from her, do so. and be very careful when you have to around her. she sounds like a powerkeg.

do your research, talk to your son and may be get the ex to talk to him. that child needs to be out of there ASAP..I know that this is terribly stressful for you.

my oldest granddaughter has lived with me off and on for most of her life. it causes so much turmoil, but it's worth it. we were lying in bed one night and she reached over and got my hand and said, 'nomi, i'm safe with you'.......

..nor have I forgotten you! take care of yourself!

Parker you can always get social services involved in this as a way to gain custody of your granddaughter. they always try to get family to take the children in a case of abuse. been there done that hon. if she is neglecting the baby then it will be proven. let your son know beforehand what your plans are though. I am here for you hon

I suggest that your son starts a video type diary for the well being of his daughter and himself as well. Isnt there some sort of law there that means a spouse can 'section' a spouse for medical/mental review or go to the family doctor and say that his missus has flipped her wig or something?? There is absolutely no way your son is guilty by association at all, he obviously knows how to handle his wife. I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years and got smacked about quite badly until one day i thought, righto, enough is enough. He obviously knows that if he pushed the wrong button things could go horribly wrong and his wife could do something that would be regrettable?? I dont know, the only thing is, be there for your son and your grand daughter. Another thought, having a young baby in the house might not be a bad thing, keeps ya young and makes you smile and get that awesome warm bubbling over feeling in your heart!! All the very best of luck!!

Parker,

This whole situation breaks my heart. I think that you are doing the right thing. Your main concern is that child and to be honest, no one but you is thinking of her.

Please, stick to your guns on this. That baby needs someone to fight for her.

((((((((((((((((Parker)))))))))))))

Thanks Fayerody, bebop, tracylee and JMO. I have about lost it now, the papers were served on my son Sat AM, and he HID the one for his wife, not wanting to "ruin their Easter"......like he doesnt realize how all this is "ruining" me, and my granddaughter?!?!?!?!? Right now he is not talking to me, and kissing up to her big time. I also got served on Sat.....and waited for her to either show up or call, and trouble start, but here it is Monday afternoon, and she still doesnt even know about it ! Go figure.......since my doing this was a JOINT decision between my son and me. On top of all this garbage, my eardrum ruptured yesterday and I feel horrible ! Murphy's Law I guess. Oh well..... what doesnt kill us, makes us stronger.

((((((((((((((((((((Parker)))))))))))))))))))

((((((Parker)))))) hon I know what a rough time you have had with this wench!! I am keeping you in my prayers hon

{{{{{{{{{Parker}}}}}}}}}}} Sounds like you're on your own if your son isn't going to keep his word to you. Don't involve him in anything else. Again, think real hard about whether you can do this or not. Regardless, you're that little girl's only voice. You need to speak up for her!

Is there another family member that could care for your granddaughter on a steady basis?

I've seen too much crap go down when kids get put in the System. Again, I say, do all you can to keep your granddaughter out of it.

I'm here if you need me.

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There is absolutely no way your son is guilty by association at all, he obviously knows how to handle his wife.

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I disagree. That little girl is the ONLY thing that should matter in this dangerous, volatile situation. As her father, he has every responsibility to keep that little girl safe and he's NOT doing it. In some States, if he just sits by and puts up with everything, he would be LEGALLY considered guilty by association.

"If you're not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem."

Hmmmmmmm, I wonder if your son as actually given his 'wife' what he was supposed to give her on saturday?? It would appear that he hasnt. Crickey, she must be one completely scary female!!! I hope that everything goes well for you hons. Also hope your ear wont bother you for too long, that hurts worse than having a baby........... huggles and smoochas