[Big Mama]

******WARNING DO NOT PROCEED IF YOU HAVE TRIGGERS ********
********DEALING W/ ABUSE, ALCOHOLISIM, RAPE******


My H and I have not gotten along for so long. I have posted here alot about what it/he has done to me. I am unsure what to do with the future. But the story seems very one sided and that is not fair. It's all my side. To be fair let me give you some back ground info on my H and this may help others to understand why I stay.

My H has had a difficult life. His dad drank heavily. His dad always put the bottle before his kids and family. His dad thought that keeping the bills paid was all it took to be a parent. He always told the kids "I'm to tired to play with you", "I got better things to do then throw a ball with you" or "I can't come to your ball game, while your playing I'm working". He always made the kids feel guilty. My H says all he can remember about his b-days as a kid was that his dad was out drinking and not there for their birthdays.

His dad used to beat them when he was drunk. He would beat them (him and his brothers) anyway just more severely when he was drunk. His dad would not just beat them but humiliate them as well. He would make them undress completely and make them lay down on the bed and he would hit them with a belt so hard they would bounce off the bed. Many years later his dad tried to commit suicide by turning on the truck and laying under the tail pipe while he was to drunk to care. He drank till he passed out then hoped to "go out" of this world. My H walked in on his dad after he passed out. You can only imagine what went through his mind.

As for his mom she was mentally unstable. She was admitted to a mental hospital multiple times. He remembers on one occasion he woke up in the middle of the night and his mom was standing over him with a knife looking down at him. For months he was afraid to sleep. He also had two little brothers, twins, to care for.

His home was destroyed by a flood. Everything he had was gone. He has no pictures or news paper clippings, nothing to identify with his past. He was homeless for a short time and had to go live with relatives.

His parents divorced and he and his brothers were separated. He lived w/ an alcoholic father who had a different girl every night of the week or a girl who wanted to try to be mom to a young teenage son. People were mean to him behind his dads back and good to him to his face. My H had to be obedient to these women or face the wrath of his dad. His little brothers ran away from home following a rail road track because they didn't know where they were. When they got to the nearest town they called there big brother (he was 15 his brothers were 11) He drove to pick his brothers up. He raised his little brothers from that point on. His dad supplied the house and the money. He gave the money to my H to raise himself and 2 eleven year olds and took the rest of the money each month to drink and run around. My H never knew it that would be enough money to do each month because he never knew if his dad was in jail, out of the state running around or just plain drunk living with some woman.

My H wants to do better. He has done better than his dad. But It is so hard to stay. I do not allow him to put his hands on the kids. But he is very harsh. He is very controlling. He is very demeaning. He tries and I really do feel like he is sincere w/ trying to be a good dad and H.

He is just so hard to deal with. I have developed PTSD from dealing with him. Plus dealing with a rape that occurred 20 years ago has caused some PTSD issues. I can't walk away from this man yet. He is making improvements. He is giving effort but my goodness is it hard to stay. The price I am having to pay with my own mental health, my health in general and the affect it has in the lives of my children. It is a very difficult call to make. PTSD, OCD, Depression and Bipolar disorder all run in his family and he suffers from them to. He will not see a P doc. Reasons to be told on another occasion. I just want people to know I have not lost my marbles. I don't like abuse. I'm not staying because I'm weak. I love this man.

[lizardlady]

I just want people to know I have not lost my marbles. I don't like abuse. I'm not staying because I'm weak. I love this man.

Big Mama, I get so angry when I hear people say "she was brave enough to leave." Some times it takes true courage to stay. I don't know your whole story, but based on what you've said here you are doing the best you can in a very difficult situation.

You said your husband won't see a pdoc. Would he go for "family counseling" so the emphasis would not be on him, but on dynamics in the whole family? Or would he consider parenting classes? You could put it too him that you see him trying to make changes to be different than his father, but that the classes would give you both some ideas about parenting? Again taking the emphasis off him.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

But the story seems very one sided and that is not fair. It's all my side. To be fair let me give you some back ground info on my H and this may help others to understand why I stay.

You cannot give your husband's side of the story; only your husband can. Why you stay is your side of the story and for your reasons, not because of/for your husband. You "need" to stay, so you stay. That's okay! It's your life.

[Spiderlegs]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

******WARNING DO NOT PROCEED IF YOU HAVE TRIGGERS ********
********DEALING W/ ABUSE, ALCOHOLISIM, RAPE******

My H wants to do better. He has done better than his dad. But It is so hard to stay. I do not allow him to put his hands on the kids.

How do you manage to 'not allow him' to hit the kids? If he (or you?) can control that behavior, he can control his bad behavior with you..if he wants to. Lots of people come from bad backgrounds like his, but they don't abuse their wives. How he behaves is his choice.

[Big Mama]

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR RESPONSES.

I have told my story to some extent her through my posts. But no one has told my H's story. It is not mine to tell but if I am going to ask for opinions from folks then they should know more about the two people involved not just the one complaining(me).

As for my kids. I told my H before we had kids, if he ever put his hands on our kids that would be it. Marriage over. He has asked me for permission to spank them and I say no. He doesn't like having his parenting limited by me, but I know what happened to him and I have made my point, so that will not happen to them.

Correct people who have come from just as bad or much worse do not always abuse the one they are married to. That is not an excuse. That is why I am having trouble making my choices.

Big Mama

You write a lot of your situation, and you seem to be going around and around. You know the way he treats you and your children is wrong, and now you admit that he makes you ill, as well as unhappy. Your situation is so hard, and I do feel for you.

I understand why you wrote about your hubby but am afraid that as much as I feel sadness for his childhood, he's an adult now, knows how wrong abuse is and makes his own choices. Just as its your choice to stay. I would never think you weak to stay with this man, actually the opposite. You know he treats you wrong, he doesnt get enough help to help himself, and you fear the damage to your children. It must be darn hard to stay. If that's right or wrong for you and your children, only you can decide that.

[valyn9]

We will just have to have faith in Big Mama to make her own choices, and hopefully Big Mama has faith in us too. (We are here for you.) No one needs to be told they're out of their mind or anything. It's the last thing anyone struggling to believe in themselves as it is needs to hear, and that probably includes a lot of us.

Big Mama, thank you for sharing. We believe in you no matter what.

[Big Mama]

Riot, I'm not a cryer. But you have brought tears to my eyes. Tears from understanding. Tears from acceptance. Tears from knowledge that my decisions are mine and thats o.k. Thank you.

Valyn9, Thank you to. I need folks to believe in me not another metaphorical kick. (Not from yall here,you don't do that)

EVERYONE HERE : Yall are the most accepting bunch of people I've ever met. Where do you live cause it sure ain't around here. I would love to have any of you for a neighbor. I guess you'll just have to be my PC neighbor.

[Leed]

i know you love him, but look at what you're doing to this KIDS. They've already been hurt, Lord only knows HOW much, but to continue to put them iin the company of this man is abuse in itself. Sure, he's made improvements, but these kids are walkiing on egg shells -- they don't know when he's going to blow. They're too young to understand.

These kids need to get OUT of there. This is NOT fair to them. I damaged my kids . I don't want to see YOUR kids hurt like mine were. Get them OUT. Hugs, Lee

[Cleaning up]

I agree with Leed. BTW, it DOES take courage to leave, to stay and allow yourself to be abused with kids watching: to stay with the possibility of the kids getting abused has several labels but IMO "courage" isn't one of them. I had to write that rather than just click off of here with someone patting themselves on the back for allowing their children to live in hell.

[kyouma]

perhaps i am wrong to think about this, but may i ask about your husband's job? does he have any hobbies, do you and all your family go out to do stuff? i understand it may be very hard for him to have all those memories, but it should have gone away now that he has you, and his own family. i think he should think of how much he suffered and think he'd never do the same to his own kids, like i myself think about the little attention i had from my parents and think i want to do the opposite, i want to be always there for them. and with my girlfriend i feel so happy and free from everything, if i end up marrying her i'd be the happiest guy in the world and i do believe every man should feel like that when they're with their wives.
my opinion is you should keep talking to him, try to insist that he gets help and someone to talk to, and maybe he could find something to do that helps him feel good, maybe get his anger out of him, find some nice activities, watch movies together and get more and more close to each other. maybe it's utopia (i looked up for that word in english, hope it's right), but he should think more clearly about some stuff and understand for himself, that all that went wrong is now long gone, you see?
wish all the best for you, hugs

[Big Mama]

Kyuoma thank you for your responce. I don't need to feel any worse about things. So your post was a nice change.

My H is self employeed. His work is his hobby. He has 15 or so employees and works 6 days a week. Usually 60 - 70 hours. He's a workaholic. He likes to be at home outside doing something in his spare time. He's never home so home is the place he likes to be. Only because he is not home alot has some of the counselors not made a huge deal out of his behavior. We are doing marriage T together. We have alot of issues. His need for control and jealousy and my holding on to all the wrongs. I've also got the fear and things that go along w/ abuse. So it appears we will be in T for a good while.

I do not condone how he treats me but I do understand why he sees thing the way he does. He is learning that just because his dad did what ever doesn't mean he should. Often I bring to his attention "Is this how your dad talked to you, did you like being talked to that way?" He will say yes and I hated it. I tell him well I hate it or the kids hate it. He just looks at me but you can almost feel the wheels in his head turning. It has taken a long time to get to this point. But we are here now. I really feel like my T has a good way of dealing w/ my H. He likes her and that helps alot. I like her to but am still nervous about being judged or saying the wrong answer. We certinly need to get out and do more things together and enjoy life together. We need to make good memories to overide all the bad memories.

Thank you again for not blaming me. It gives me a tiny shred of hope to hang onto durring the day.

[kyouma]

i'm glad you're working with him on therapy
and we can see how it is hard through his reactions, like when he said yes when you asked if he liked that kind of treatment. i don't mean to judge but it sounded like he was trying to be the adult, you know? at the same time as showing, even if not meaning to, how hurt he is and he still remembers. like "that's how i grew up"... but deep inside, he'll be creating his own judgement on the situation and we hope he will be getting more and more able to review his actions and think before doing anything.

i believe it's never late to put our mind into place and try to get better, so again he needs to learn he now has his own family and responsabilities, and as he has passed through a lot, he is capable to understand whats good and whats not - also understanding what's better for you, his wife, and your kids, and how you deserve all his caring, and the difference he can make. thats why i insist again on enjoying doing even little things, going out and things like that! which will be great for you too, you deserve it
he is late in doing that and he is very lucky he's got you, you're very brave, but don't ever stop thinking of yourself alright?

and, i like what you said: making good memories to overide all the bad memories. really, i like that a lot, thanks for that!

[shezbut]

(((Big Mama)))

The situation is very complicated ~ it always is.

I really do understand how stuck you must be feeling inside, as you try to work through your emotions about the past 20 years and how to continue to make it through. It has not been easy for you or your children, and you all have the scars to prove it.

While I really do think that it's great that you have been able to keep your hub from hitting your children, it IS important to consider the effects of emotional abuse. While my grandfather rarely hit or kicked me, he did scare the bejeezers out of me and that didn't help me make it through my childhood & teen years. And, he was just my grandfather! Yeah, I saw him for ALL of the holidays and birthdays, but at least I didn't have to live with him. You know??

The emotional abuse was really tough for me to accept. As was watching him hit and kick other people (in the family and completely innocent people)! I would imagine that your children have had a very difficult time watching you get hurt by their father and then listen to you coming up with excuses for him. That is awfully confusing to children. They won't understand why you put up with it & they honestly may be building resentment towards both of you.

I don't want to sound like a jerk, but it's a real possibility. I know that my mom resented her mom a lot for never standing up to her father (my abusive grandfather). I think that it's good that you and your hub are in T, but are your kids in T too? If not, now would be a really good time to initiate that. To help them work through their memories and attached emotions. While you and your hub may see the children as being free from abuse, we all have different perspectives.

I do honestly have empathy for your husband's childhood. He had it pretty rough ~ and thankfully, he hasn't passed on many of those horrors onto his own children to suffer. That is a great improvement from the way that his father treated him and his siblings. But he does need to understand that emotional abuse can & often does have a dramatic effect over a person's emotional health.

Wishing you and your family the very best....

[Ft1980]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

******WARNING DO NOT PROCEED IF YOU HAVE TRIGGERS ********
********DEALING W/ ABUSE, ALCOHOLISIM, RAPE******


My H and I have not gotten along for so long. I have posted here alot about what it/he has done to me. I am unsure what to do with the future. But the story seems very one sided and that is not fair. It's all my side. To be fair let me give you some back ground info on my H and this may help others to understand why I stay.

My H has had a difficult life. His dad drank heavily. His dad always put the bottle before his kids and family. His dad thought that keeping the bills paid was all it took to be a parent. He always told the kids "I'm to tired to play with you", "I got better things to do then throw a ball with you" or "I can't come to your ball game, while your playing I'm working". He always made the kids feel guilty. My H says all he can remember about his b-days as a kid was that his dad was out drinking and not there for their birthdays.

His dad used to beat them when he was drunk. He would beat them (him and his brothers) anyway just more severely when he was drunk. His dad would not just beat them but humiliate them as well. He would make them undress completely and make them lay down on the bed and he would hit them with a belt so hard they would bounce off the bed. Many years later his dad tried to commit suicide by turning on the truck and laying under the tail pipe while he was to drunk to care. He drank till he passed out then hoped to "go out" of this world. My H walked in on his dad after he passed out. You can only imagine what went through his mind.

As for his mom she was mentally unstable. She was admitted to a mental hospital multiple times. He remembers on one occasion he woke up in the middle of the night and his mom was standing over him with a knife looking down at him. For months he was afraid to sleep. He also had two little brothers, twins, to care for.

His home was destroyed by a flood. Everything he had was gone. He has no pictures or news paper clippings, nothing to identify with his past. He was homeless for a short time and had to go live with relatives.

His parents divorced and he and his brothers were separated. He lived w/ an alcoholic father who had a different girl every night of the week or a girl who wanted to try to be mom to a young teenage son. People were mean to him behind his dads back and good to him to his face. My H had to be obedient to these women or face the wrath of his dad. His little brothers ran away from home following a rail road track because they didn't know where they were. When they got to the nearest town they called there big brother (he was 15 his brothers were 11) He drove to pick his brothers up. He raised his little brothers from that point on. His dad supplied the house and the money. He gave the money to my H to raise himself and 2 eleven year olds and took the rest of the money each month to drink and run around. My H never knew it that would be enough money to do each month because he never knew if his dad was in jail, out of the state running around or just plain drunk living with some woman.

My H wants to do better. He has done better than his dad. But It is so hard to stay. I do not allow him to put his hands on the kids. But he is very harsh. He is very controlling. He is very demeaning. He tries and I really do feel like he is sincere w/ trying to be a good dad and H.

He is just so hard to deal with. I have developed PTSD from dealing with him. Plus dealing with a rape that occurred 20 years ago has caused some PTSD issues. I can't walk away from this man yet. He is making improvements. He is giving effort but my goodness is it hard to stay. The price I am having to pay with my own mental health, my health in general and the affect it has in the lives of my children. It is a very difficult call to make. PTSD, OCD, Depression and Bipolar disorder all run in his family and he suffers from them to. He will not see a P doc. Reasons to be told on another occasion. I just want people to know I have not lost my marbles. I don't like abuse. I'm not staying because I'm weak. I love this man.

reading this I could not help, but reflect on my own carnaged childhood. only my Dad was not drunk instead forced us kids to eat or "get it"

[Big Mama]

Shez I did end up getting the kids in counceling. It has helped. My middle child has autisim and does not see thing as clearly as his older brother. But he does see things and say stuff w/ out thinking. One day he said"Dad are you the real Oscar the Grouch" or " You are no fun to play with". I'm just feel stuck right now. It is starting to pas. I need to let go of the past some to.