[kat20000]

I really need some help. I am feeling very alone and scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I take care of my mom and just don't know what to do anymore. She had some ministrokes a couple of years ago, so I'm taking care of her full-time. She has been doing really good, but every once in a while she goes off so bad that I get scared. Last night, she had one of her really bad days, and I thought the neighbors would end up calling the police again. They didn't, but she is still pretty bad today. The neighbors called the police before because they thought she was trying to kill me. There was so much yelling and throwing things. Physically she is about three times my size, so I totally get why they were concerned. By the time the police showed up, she was totally calm and acted normal. What was I going to say? I love her. I'm trying my best to take care of her. I'm almost 30 years old and have no social life. I just don't know what to do. There is no money to pay someone else to help. She has no insurance. She doesn't qualify for any programs (I've looked at ALL of them). There is no other family except me to help her.

Every once in a while she just goes off for no reason. I don't understand it. I always try to calm her down and stay calm myself, but I don't know what to do. She says things sometimes that are just awful. Last night she kept saying she wished I was dead -over and over again. You know, I wish I was dead. Then, I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. I pay all her bills, get her anything she wants. Whatever I do, she always finds a way to belittle me and make me feel awful. I'm trying my best here. I can't leave her because there is no else who will help her. I have no support network at all. I have no friends or other family who can help me.

Am sorry to read about you and your mum's situation..

I know you said that there is no way you can get outside help, and as I am not in the USA. Is she not entitled to Social Security Disability benefits? I guess all that would go on paying bills, rather than extra help. In the UK they depend heavily on family members to become carers, and pretty much walk away, unless the carer threatens to walks away instead. People to get help have to tell the doctor/social dept that their mental & physical health is effected and need some respite. Then outside carers come in and look after the relative while you get time off, paid by the government. Sometimes this is for a couple of hours a day, or a couple of days a month, a day a week and a couple of weeks holiday.

Is there anything like that in the USA? Even having a couple of weeks off a year where you can go and be you, not a full-time carer can make a lot of difference. Also, there may be a local support group for you to talk to other carers, which again, swapping stories and tips can be so helpful. Being a full-time carer is so hard, a sense of identity lost, but its also amazingly selfless what you are doing and it may be good to talk to others in the same position as you. After watching two close people be carers, I know its something I just couldnt do.

I am not sure why your mum is wishing you dead. I do understand her frustration over strokes and having to rely on other people, but its unacceptable to take it out on you. Have you ever just walked away for an hour or two, and tell her that you wont be there when she's attacking you? Perhaps it may help and the shock/realisation that she is lost without you make her think. If she's scaring you then you need to tell someone what's happening and never downplay it - actually tell the truth. And if the neighbours call the police, then let them - it may help your cause on getting help?

I wish you all the best, and seriously, I take my hat off to you - you're amazing to do this at all.

[kat20000]

Thanks riotgrrrl. I've looked at absolutely everything I could think of to get help. We've been rejected everywhere. She doesn't qualify for any type of benefits because they say she is too young - she is in her 50s. They won't offer any help at all. Without insurance things are even harder. I don't know if we even have support groups around. I've looked before and couldn't find anything close to me. That is why I'm here. I just feel so alone and not able to talk to anyone. I have no friends left.

I've tried what you suggested - walk away for just a couple of hours. It was really bad. She almost set the entire kitchen on fire and said she would kill herself. I can't leave her alone. She does that all the time and then threatens me. I don't know what to do. I forgot to mention that last night she was talking to herself in between yelling at me. It was really scary - she was doing different voices and everything. It was hard to even understand her. I get that she is frustrated. She really wants to find a job but can't. There are almost no job openings around. She has recovered really well from her ministrokes, but it's just every once in a while something sets her off. I feel completely lost. I see that she is manipulating me, but I still need to take care of her. I can't leave her and no one else will help me. I hope that made sense because I'm typing in between tears here.

Am so so sorry that this is so tough on you. Its really not fair...

Am shocked over threatening to kill herself, and setting fire to the kitchen. There's no way of saying this kindly, but she has big mental health issues. Surely there is no age limit on mental health? Can you talk to your doctor? Her doctor? Do you have a mobile phone? You could record the next outburst and play it back to your doc or someone else who's previously refused help? Keep a diary too, of any outbursts.

If she's just manipulating you, and this makes me think its the case because she acts normal to other people, then you only really have a few choices. Keep trying to get help, insist, try threatening to walk away to social services -my mum who was a carer of her mum in law threatened to commit suicide to social workers - it worked. My mum had no intention of it, but the authority had a responsibility of care, both to my grandma AND to my mum.
Or you carry on as you are, or you do indeed walk away. I know the last you'd never do, but you are entitled to some sort of life of your own. I could say there is no point in two lives being ruined, instead of one. There would be no shame in that, you've already done more than most people would do, ever.

Again, I really really do feel for you, such a hard place to be in. Hugs coming over the pond.. x

ps - I am sorry that things are so tough over in the States without insurance. I find it hard to understand that everyone is refusing you help :-(

[Rose76]

You do have the option of walking away. Then adult protection services will arrange for her safety. Her property will also be appropriated to pay toward the cost of her care. Are you, in some way, dependent upon her? Perhaps you have no where to go, if you were to leave. Maybe there are factors keeping you in that house with her that have something to do with you having needs that get met there. It does sound awful, and it does sound like this is destroying your life.

I agree with the poster above who advised that you might welcome the neighbors calling the police. If your mother threatens you with harm, you can call the police yourself. That gets the authorities involved. I have worked in geriatric psych units where individuals like your mom were brought for observation. There are alternatives to what you are now doing. Those might involve your mom being cared for in a nursing home. That would gobble up any wealth she might have. If she owns a home, that might have to be sold. That might feel like too much change for you to cope with.

It is awful to be in your position. Do you believe her violence and hostility are a product of the ministrokes? Was she a warm, kind, loving mom before she had the strokes? Do you have a history of her being very supportive of you before she had the ministrokes? Your mom and you have a 30 year history together. Maybe some of it was good. That might be why you want to do your best to attend to her needs now.

It sounds like you are hoping that your mom could be more reasonable and not have these episodes. As long as the two of you are in that house alone together, the past will be the best predictor of the future. You are trapped in a living nightmare. It is very much like the dilemma of a wife living with an abusive spouse. There are other sons and daughters living the same demeaning existence trapped at home with a parent. It is heart-breakingly sad. Only you can decide what to do. I do not believe you have a moral obligation to stay in this situation. In the end, it's what you believe that counts.

In some communities, the police have a special unit to come into the home and counsel about what some options might be. A domestic violence hotline might give you some support.

It doesn't sound like your mom can be safely left alone for much time. That leaves you with a 24/7 responsibility. It is too much for one person, given that your mom is so difficult at times. What does her doctor say to you about the arrangement? It would be good for you to tell the doctor about her behavior. It is good to get that documented.

I hope you find a way out. This isn't much of a life for you.

HI kat2000 - I agree mostly with Rose76, if your mother is threatening you and putting you at risk then eventually it may get to the stage where you will have no option but to have her put into a home or respite centre - for your own sanity as well as hers. I don't believe that there is absolutely no alternative for someone who is having to care for someone who not only is very difficult to look after but is also a danger to your health. I don't live in the USA but if this is the case i will be very suprised - i think selling the house might be another idea, at least if you have to pay you will at least have more of a means to do so - what does her doctor say about all this? I would definately get in touch with a support group, even if its an online one, for people who are carers - they may be able to put you in touch with the right people. What about the caregivers support board here? Have they been able to suggest anything? I really hope this situation resolves positively for you - both you and your mum have a right to feel safe. All the best.

That sounds a little like my mom when she is very drunk. Especially after her brother died, she was even more of a mess for awhile. She left a burrito in the microwave once for 30 minutes. The whole house filled with smoke. She's left the stove and oven on.
She's a little better now though. After I moved out, I guess it was a little wakeup call of how she was affecting other people, although she still drinks, but not as much.
I think the strokes have obviously damaged your mom's brain though. I feel sad for you that this has fallen upon you to deal with, and that you have no other family. Same here, no family. You're the strongest one out of anyone you know, I'm sure. You might have to use that strenghth to make a difficult decision.
I think some of the other posters have a good suggestion. Talk to someone in social services. Your mom's brain is not normal. She needs that help. So do you. This is doing damage to you too. She may not truly mean what she says to you, but it still really affects you to hear things like that from your own mother. I don't live with my mom anymore, but when she is drunk and tells me things like, "Everything you touch, you destroy! Get out of my life!" (when I'm trying to help her) I end up feeling so hopeless about everything, and a part of me believes her. It's hard not to let those comments eat away at you. Especially for you, you are constantly in that environment, and can't escape. It must be torture to you. I think if you mention to a social worker that she has threatened to kill herself, or even you, they would take notice. I don't have a lot of experience with that, so maybe someone else can tell you what the process is like. Who knows, maybe there is a temporary care and treatment option. Anyway, to deal with the vicious comments, and tone, you could use earplugs for now. Just to help keep you sane until you figure out what to do. At walmart, I purchased the silicone ones. You can still hear stuff, but it's pretty muffled. I thought it helped to not hear the abusive comments.

They are right...if she has property, they will use the money they can acquire from that property to put your mom somewhere safe. You wouldn't be abandoning her; you'd be putting her somewhere where she'll be safe and you can work on regaining your sanity. Call the police and talk to them....they do have the right to take your mom if they believe she is in danger or putting you in danger. Talk to the neighbors; have them document everytime they hear problems develop and you start documenting each day as they progress. That will be proof of what's going on. It doesn't matter her age. There is help out there. You just have to find it. Good luck...I wish you the absolute best.

[likewater]

((((kat20000))) I took care of my grandparents alone. My grandpa had to go to an alzheimer's unit abd Grandma had hospice. I
couldnT leave Grandma except hour a week when volunteer came and I went grocery shopping. My grandma wasnt abusive but it was the most difficult thing I ever did physically or emotionally. Your situation isn't safe. Your mom needs some professional help.
Please call the police yourself and tell them what is happening. My brother qas living with our mom who used to try and kill us. Last
year she was hospitalized when she tried to kill him and our stepdad. In July she was alone with our brother when he was shot in the head. Police ruled it a suicide, but I have my doubts. At the least , I think she let him bleed out before calling 911. She got a 200 k life insurabce policy. Your mom is trying to tell you something is wrong. Also, no one should have to live the way you are living. I agree with the above posts. A social worker can help , maybe a social worker from a mental hospital where she can be assessed if you call police.

[girlwithbrownhair]

Hun, here's a hug!! At 30 your are entitled to your own life. And not to be mean or anything, but you are also responsible for your own happiness as well. That means not blaming your mother for your choice to stay in this dysfunctional household!

Do what it takes to move on..

So she has issues. It's her life...she survived before you, and she will after you leave. Again, I don't mean to sound ruthless or harsh, but don't get "guilted" into staying!! This isn't healthy, and frankly, you could be enabling her illness. Please get some counseling because you deserve some happiness! Good luck.

[Rose76]

I would just like to throw out that, if your mom does not have much personal property (if she does not own her home, or have much assets,) then she would be eligible for medicaid to cover nursing home costs.

One other thing I would like to throw out is that no social worker is going to appear and ride in like the cavalry to solve this. That will only happen when and if you tell "the authorities" that you will not continue doing what you are doing. You might actually have to get a motel room and literally leave the house. Of course, you would have to call adult protection services first and tell them that you are leaving. No law forces you to stay doing what you are doing. The law does force your mom to accept some kind of care arrangement, if she is incompetent to be responsible for herself - which seems to be the case.

If you are living in a home that your mom owns and you want to stay there, then you are in a touchier situation. Have you ever lived on your own completely independent of your mom. If not, then you are possibly accepting this arrangement because you are afraid that you may not be able to manage taking care of yourself, if your leave. If your mom owns property, you may be afraid of losing your inheritance. Those are legitimate concerns. Somehow, or another, your mother has leverage over you, and she knows it, and she is cruelly wielding that power. Despite her mini-strokes, your mom is out-foxing you. It is a shame that someone would do that to a daughter. You're not the first person in this situation. I've seen it first hand and it's usually the end game of a long toxic relationship controlled by the parent. When I saw it up close, it was like Aquarius mentioned. The mom was a drinker. Some people can get that nasty, even without alcohol.

At age 30, you are still young enough to have a chance to make a life for yourself. Let another 5 or 10 years go by, living as an abused servant, and your own competence to become something better than that will be diminished. It's much harder to start making a network of friends at 40 than it is at 30. If you have any kind of a family lawyer, you might ask for advice about how to proceed. If, and only if, your mom were to be sent in to a geri-psych unit for a competency eval, then the social workers at that facility would have a serious talk with you about options. And you needn't worry that they would keep her locked up there for long. They won't.

I wish you well in your search for a solution. It is much harder for you to think about than for me who is not in your shoes. My guess is that maybe things weren't so great, even before the mini-strokes. Maybe you've had a long, hard history of being exploited. I'm sorry for what you are having to deal with. It is very unfair.

[kat20000]

Thanks for the comments everyone. I'm trying to sort through everything and answer all your questions.
Mom has no property or money. At all. I support her completely. We don't own a home. She has a lot of debt. That seems to be one of the reasons why no one will help.
She acts completely normal outside the home, and it's not like she has a fit at home every day. Months go by without any problems.
She doesn't drink.
She doesn't have a regular doctor right now. She lost her job a couple of years ago and with it the insurance. Guess what? It's almost impossible to get anyone to see her without it & ALL the social programs say she is too young to qualify & won't help.
Someone suggested that this may be early signs of dementia a while ago. She is way too young for that I would think, but who knows? When she did that to the kitchen, she just said she forgot what she was doing.

[sad_dad2012]

Originally Posted by kat20000

I really need some help. I am feeling very alone and scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I take care of my mom and just don't know what to do anymore. She had some ministrokes a couple of years ago, so I'm taking care of her full-time. She has been doing really good, but every once in a while she goes off so bad that I get scared. Last night, she had one of her really bad days, and I thought the neighbors would end up calling the police again. They didn't, but she is still pretty bad today. The neighbors called the police before because they thought she was trying to kill me. There was so much yelling and throwing things. Physically she is about three times my size, so I totally get why they were concerned. By the time the police showed up, she was totally calm and acted normal. What was I going to say? I love her. I'm trying my best to take care of her. I'm almost 30 years old and have no social life. I just don't know what to do. There is no money to pay someone else to help. She has no insurance. She doesn't qualify for any programs (I've looked at ALL of them). There is no other family except me to help her.

Every once in a while she just goes off for no reason. I don't understand it. I always try to calm her down and stay calm myself, but I don't know what to do. She says things sometimes that are just awful. Last night she kept saying she wished I was dead -over and over again. You know, I wish I was dead. Then, I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. I pay all her bills, get her anything she wants. Whatever I do, she always finds a way to belittle me and make me feel awful. I'm trying my best here. I can't leave her because there is no else who will help her. I have no support network at all. I have no friends or other family who can help me.

My prayers are with you , I would say more but I don't type like these other kind people. But WOW look at the feedback.... It's Amazing.

[samysteav]

Originally Posted by kat20000

I really need some help. I am feeling very alone and scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I take care of my mom and just don't know what to do anymore. She had some ministrokes a couple of years ago, so I'm taking care of her full-time. She has been doing really good, but every once in a while she goes off so bad that I get scared. Last night, she had one of her really bad days, and I thought the neighbors would end up calling the police again. They didn't, but she is still pretty bad today. The neighbors called the police before because they thought she was trying to kill me. There was so much yelling and throwing things. Physically she is about three times my size, so I totally get why they were concerned. By the time the police showed up, she was totally calm and acted normal. What was I going to say? I love her. I'm trying my best to take care of her. I'm almost 30 years old and have no social life. I just don't know what to do. There is no money to pay someone else to help. She has no insurance. She doesn't qualify for any programs (I've looked at ALL of them). There is no other family except me to help her.

Every once in a while she just goes off for no reason. I don't understand it. I always try to calm her down and stay calm myself, but I don't know what to do. She says things sometimes that are just awful. Last night she kept saying she wished I was dead -over and over again. You know, I wish I was dead. Then, I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. I pay all her bills, get her anything she wants. Whatever I do, she always finds a way to belittle me and make me feel awful. I'm trying my best here. I can't leave her because there is no else who will help her. I have no support network at all. I have no friends or other family who can help me.

Hello ket20000,
I read your situation and i feel very sorry for your condition what you are suffering from.

[Rose76]

(((Kat))) You are doing all this out of kindness. If only life was fair to kind people. It sure isn't.

Your mom is not too young for dementia. Not at all. If your mom can not cope with living alone, then, basically, she is eligible for a nursing home. That would make her eligible for Medicaid. Debt can be defaulted on. If she has no potential to earn and possesses no assets, then the only consequence of defaulting is that she will get a bad credit rating. That means that she won't be able to borrow any more.

So you must be earning the money that supports your mom and you. Being caretaker and breadwinner is a lot of burden.

If your mom did work in the past, and can't work now, then I would think she could be eligible for SSDI, or SSI. That would be a good place to start. There is no minimum age needed to be considered "disabled." You can talk to a Disability Lawyer for free. I used one of the nationwide firms that advertises on the Internet. Others advertise on the TV. If she does not have enough of a work history to get SSDI, then real disability would get her SSI. Once that is in place, other things would be easier to approach.

[girlwithbrownhair]

Originally Posted by kat20000

Thanks for the comments everyone. I'm trying to sort through everything and answer all your questions.
Mom has no property or money. At all. I support her completely. We don't own a home. She has a lot of debt. That seems to be one of the reasons why no one will help.
She acts completely normal outside the home, and it's not like she has a fit at home every day. Months go by without any problems.
She doesn't drink.
She doesn't have a regular doctor right now. She lost her job a couple of years ago and with it the insurance. Guess what? It's almost impossible to get anyone to see her without it & ALL the social programs say she is too young to qualify & won't help.
Someone suggested that this may be early signs of dementia a while ago. She is way too young for that I would think, but who knows? When she did that to the kitchen, she just said she forgot what she was doing.

Kat, why can't she apply for Section 8 housing? Public housing? In my state, when a person with no income moves in they only charge something like $25 a month, and she could get food stamps. That said, could you try for that yourself? Good luck...and don't let depression paralyze you at this point, please. People care.

[Harley47]

Hey Kat.

I am sorry you are in this situation...I do agree with the thought that your own mental health needs to come first here. You are doing a very noble and admirable thing by taking care of her, but she is putting you under a severe amount of undue stress that you aren't due by any means. It isn't fair to you.

Was your mother like this before the ministrokes? I am not very knowledgeable on the long term ramifications of strokes, but could that be a possibility for her shift in mood?

I wish I could give you more specifics on what to do, but you need to do what is right for you. You are doing an amazing thing by caring for your mother, but not at the sacrifice of yourself.

Please know I wish you my best, and I am keeping you in my prayers.

My best,
Harley

One thing I learned for sure when my grandmother had her stroke last year is that the brain is an amazingly complex thing. My father and I have shared all of her care since she came out of the hospital. Prior to the stroke she was healthy, active, driving, working, supporting herself in a different state than my father and I . Then boom! Stroke! She had a 10% survival rate in ICU and 'if she survived would be in a vegetative state.' She survived, walks (somewhat unstably at times), feeds herself, dresses herself (most days). But she can't remember things like dates and time. She gets lost and confused. Somedays she hallucinates people in the house, they even talk to her. She was completely mentally healthy prior to the stroke.

Well, I wish I had words of wisdom at this point. All I can say is that I am so truly sorry for your pain. I truly, firsthand, know where you are coming from. My grandma doesn't get violent, but she can be manipulative at times. Oh yeah, and she puts clean dishes in dishwasher and the dirty dishes in the cabinet and tries to double dose meds due to 'thinking it's a new day' esp. after a nap. She draws $700/mth SS. It's just not enough and we qualify for nothing.