[Pikku Myy]

Since I dragged (according to my husband) to our beautiful little hobby farm from the city several years ago... He has begun to blame me on everything that goes wrong (economy, travel, money, etc.)! Maybe he is right, but in past year this is always an issue when he comes home Not only do I need an hour lecture, but so does my 16 year old daughter which is unacceptable! He has never really hurt us physically... other than an occasianal headlock - and banging one of us to the fridge door . I called the cops then... not to mention throwing kitchen knifes... well, at least then I received a new front door. I believe he is super jealous person... and now somehow his dissulotional thinking has major issues. According to "him" this year, he always wants to trade some of my happiness. For example; get rid of the horses and I will let you keep the pool. Get rid of the goats, and I will let you keep the dogs.... He feels these are all distractions, and yes... they are... but these are my sanity! Any thoughts welcome.

[IamNothing]

It sounds like he is abusive and controlling. It doesn't sound like he really loves you. Or if he does it's not a healthy love.

Hi karoliinareddish - It sounds as though your new lifestyle doesn't quite suit your husband as well as you both would have liked. Attacking you physically or threatening to do so is completely unacceptable - what if one of those knives had struck either you or your daughter? His emotional abuse is also damaging and will cause further self esteem and trust issues for you and your daughter. You both have a right to feel safe and at the moment the situation seems at a stalemate. If he is not open to the idea of marriage counselling and or individual therapy for himself i would remove yourself from the family home until he accepts that he needs to learn to change his ways. Even if this doesn't happen it will at least give you the breathing room you need to decide on what you want to do next. I hope this situation resolves positively for you - do not let your husband use the excuse that your current lifestyle is whats causing him to behave so appallingly. The blame lies with him - he may be unhappy and want to alter the situation but being emotionally abusive and lashing out at you and your daughter on occasion is not the way to go about it. Good luck.

[Leed]

My Ex was like that too. He emotionally and mentally abused me constantly. I was a police officer and he had a horrible time dealing with that fact. Here I was, able to carry a 38 special, and his "manhood" felt threatened. He kept trying to bribe me into quitting my job. He'd buy me "this" if I'd quit.

You can't let him keep abusing you like this. Like bb2023 said, your self esteem is going to take a huge hit and your self worth will be nothing. Also, his physical abusing isn't going to stop -- someone is going to get HURT. These kind of men can't be reasoned with until they get help. If he won't get to a counselor BY HIMSELF, I would leave with my daughter and NOW. Don't wait until you or your daughter gets hurt!

God bless and I wish you peace and safety. Take care. Hugs, Lee

I agree with the other members, the way you have been treated is not ok and it is not acceptable. Make a safety plan and leave as soon as you can. It is very important that you and your daughter get counseling, too.

You and your daughter have experienced abuse. Your daughter is impressionable. She deserves a healthy go at life and to know that your H's behavior is not the "norm". No physical, emotional or mental abuse is EVER ok. You deserve peace, as well (break the cycle for her, if for nothing else).

Please let us know how you are doing.

[Jannaku]

Definitely all the hall marks of abuse in what you have written. If it is at all possible get out of this relationship as quick as you can. Blaming you for everything is deflecting his own inadequacies on to you and you will more than likely find that behind all this abuse of you is a man who is unhappy with himself and his life. My husband does this all the time - he is a narcissist and can't accept that the not so good aspects of his life are his own doing - they are all my fault or at the very least I am partially to blame. The one hour lecture sounds very familiar with me as well but I call it a ranting rage. Once it starts there is no stopping it. If it is at all possible for you to leave this totally dysfunctional and unhappy relationship I would recommend that you do so. Hopefully you can manage to do this and remove yourself and your daughter from this environment as it is not healthy for both of you. Over time his behaviour will erode your self confidence to the point where you will doubt yourself and this will make leaving even harder. I can see from your comment "maybe he is right" that self doubt has already started. Believe in yourself, listen to your inner voice, trust your judgements and find strength. In the meantime do not let his comments affect you. Try wherever possible to avoid subjecting yourself to his verbal abuse. I do this by totally avoiding "hot" topics and refraining from saying what I would like to say in order to keep peace. Hopefully you can make a clean break but please whatever you do don't let on to him that you are considering this as this will just fuel further abuse and could get nasty. You need to prepare carefully and give little if any notice. All the best and look towards a brighter future for yourself and your daughter.

[Pikku Myy]

I almost feel like he has already sucked my spirit our Really appreciate your thoughts

Originally Posted by Leed

My Ex was like that too. He emotionally and mentally abused me constantly. I was a police officer and he had a horrible time dealing with that fact. Here I was, able to carry a 38 special, and his "manhood" felt threatened. He kept trying to bribe me into quitting my job. He'd buy me "this" if I'd quit.

You can't let him keep abusing you like this. Like bb2023 said, your self esteem is going to take a huge hit and your self worth will be nothing. Also, his physical abusing isn't going to stop -- someone is going to get HURT. These kind of men can't be reasoned with until they get help. If he won't get to a counselor BY HIMSELF, I would leave with my daughter and NOW. Don't wait until you or your daughter gets hurt!

God bless and I wish you peace and safety. Take care. Hugs, Lee

[Pikku Myy]

It is just so difficult

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

I agree with the other members, the way you have been treated is not ok and it is not acceptable. Make a safety plan and leave as soon as you can. It is very important that you and your daughter get counseling, too.

You and your daughter have experienced abuse. Your daughter is impressionable. She deserves a healthy go at life and to know that your H's behavior is not the "norm". No physical, emotional or mental abuse is EVER ok. You deserve peace, as well (break the cycle for her, if for nothing else).

Please let us know how you are doing.

[Pikku Myy]

Again little pals I truly appreciate your suggestions. I have so much to think thru I and my daughter are on the same page neither of us feel safe when he comes home... and what type of lecture we are going to receive We now typically pretend to be asleep. This has been going on for a while... and of course, according to him - he is perfect . Finally I am feeling better mentally, but still very volitale. He tells me to seek help/support... which I do, and the gets super angry I did . His reasoning - why do you want to pay any money to other... after several hour rant.... because I CAN DO IT FOR YOU FREE... IF YOU WOULD JUST LISTEN!!! We hane been married 25 years, and yes he has always been jelous... but now... life is all about him & how great he is ... It does help to hear your opinions.

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by karoliinareddish

Since I dragged (according to my husband) to our beautiful little hobby farm from the city several years ago... He has begun to blame me on everything that goes wrong (economy, travel, money, etc.)! Maybe he is right, but in past year this is always an issue when he comes home Not only do I need an hour lecture, but so does my 16 year old daughter which is unacceptable! He has never really hurt us physically... other than an occasianal headlock - and banging one of us to the fridge door . I called the cops then... not to mention throwing kitchen knifes... well, at least then I received a new front door. I believe he is super jealous person... and now somehow his dissulotional thinking has major issues. According to "him" this year, he always wants to trade some of my happiness. For example; get rid of the horses and I will let you keep the pool. Get rid of the goats, and I will let you keep the dogs.... He feels these are all distractions, and yes... they are... but these are my sanity! Any thoughts welcome.

Yes it's abuse... And from the sounds of things, I can tell this has been going on for awhile... How do I know? Because you exhibit a common trait among those who are abused... Meaning, people who are abused, they are abused so much that they minimize (see the bolded up top) abusive behavior... I hope you don't find my post offensive... I'm only trying to help.

I've been in your daughter's shoes, and I've been in yours... And I can tell you, it was damaging to me that my mother stayed with my father even though he was abusive... Physically, mentally, emotionally, etc... Because as a child, we internalize that, it messes with our heads, and we begin to think that it's "normal" for people to react in such a way when they are upset or for whatever random reason... Or, we may not think it's normal, but we accept it and that carries throughout adulthood and in our relationships...

Your daughter needs to understand that her father is abusive, and no man should ever do what he does to her... That includes headlocks... I'm telling you that this cycle has a good chance of repeating with your daughter and in her future relationships... If you continue to stay then that is your decision... But consider the safety and future of your child. His behavior is totally unacceptable and uncalled for... If he's mad about something, then he needs to walk away until he calms down...It's called having self control... You staying with him is the reason he keeps doing what he's doing... Good luck! I genuinely wish you and your family the best...

[JLarissaDragon]

Maybe I am just adding another vote so to speak. He not only sounds abusive and controlling but scary and dangerous as well. We are often inclined to deny how bad the situation is when we are close to it, Anybody who bangs people up against the refrigerator door or throws knives definitely has an anger problem, Blaming you for all the ills of his world is not going to cut it. He needs help and I would insist that he see a counselor. I do not think you can continue like this indefinitely. SOmeone is going to get hurt seriously

[Jannaku]

I'm so glad that our opinions are helping. They help me as well. I can relate ++ to your situation which sounds similar to my own. These people are a nightmare to live with but also very difficult people leave because of the control they have over you. It's amazing how they can make you feel guilty like you have done something wrong and plant seeds of doubt in your mind so that you start questioning yourself. It's all part of their desire to control you. There are times when I feel very low as well and feel similar to what you have said about having your spirit sucked out of you but I also know that he hasn't. The very fact that your questioning his behaviour and have posted on this forum is sign enough for me that your spirit is still alive - struggling a bit - but well and truly alive. Keep posting as a means of therapy for yourself and in the meantime see if you can plan your departure if that is at all possible. Stay strong and believe in yourself.

We are here ... it is not easy. Please keep posting and let us know how you and your daughter are doing

[Pikku Myy]

Again... thank you for your suppot You can't believe how much it helps!!! It does.... Went thru a another two hour rant last night just because I did not call him at 4pm to report what I am doing He was kicking the walls, banging chairs around, screaming he does not care if I call the cops, ... and yes, I am not worth even being worth hitting.... because he loves me. I am supposed to call him at 2pm today and let him know if I want a divorce.... this is way too fast .... and yes, he brought me flowers yesterday!!!!! I think I will send him a text message at 2pm to pick up some more dogfood but this might piss him off even more. Hugs little PC pals

Originally Posted by karoliinareddish

Again... thank you for your suppot You can't believe how much it helps!!! I am supposed to call him at 2pm today and let him know if I want a divorce

Your idea about the dog food was quite cute and funny (if he were not abusive and dangerous).

I really don't mean to sound harsh...I know how fabulous it feels to FINALLY get support when struggling and in pain. I found that support here and I am eternally grateful. I have made good friends here that I respect and look forward to hearing from them. We all struggle, some days are better than others, and we support each other. Something many of us do not get IRL. That is how we found each other There are lovely people here.

That said, based on your H's behavior (just) yesterday, although you are receiving lots of support here, I really urge you to start putting together your exit/safety plan in place. I know it's hard...but please consider it.

hugs to you and your daughter.

[Jannaku]

Hi and hope things are OK. Sounds like your H is really losing the plot. Maybe he can sense a loss of control over you since you have become a bit more empowered after posting on the forum. It happened to me when I first started posting I suddenly felt so strong and confident and I had an air of "you can't touch me" which I think got up my H's nose. They hate it when they don't get the response that they want - a bit like a disobedient dog. So why don't you call the cops next time he starts chucking things around?? After that you can get an AVO (? do u have that in the USA) out on him which will provide you and your daughter with a bit of safety. This man sounds like an A Class abuser with an obvious disorder. You and your needs have become lost in this relationship and in fact you are displaying typical codependent behaviour where you are being controlled and manipulated by this beast. You don't need to put up with this crap anymore as you have tolerated far more than you should have anyway. This moment of truth where you now recognize and acknowledge that his behaviour is abusive and unacceptable can be a confusing time in which a mixture of feelings will dominate your thoughts but the one thing is that you are finally released from the self doubt that has existed in your thoughts and emotions about whether he is off base or you are. This gives you power so believe in yourself and use this new found confidence and strength to finally fight back and put him in his place. You and your daughter deserve much better than this. Be careful and best of luck xxx

[Pikku Myy]

Hi everyone Received my husbands OK for me and my daughter to go to our lake house We are both so exited packing already!!!! Hugs everyone

[Pikku Myy]

Gosh little pals... it happened again last night. 3 hour raiging rampage... and now I am supposed to call him every day at 4pm... and report what I (we) are doing... thank goodness he has NOT been violent... just needed to vent... I feel so stuck :[